because i knew you i am changed for good

 

 
 
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

Well, it may never be
That we'll meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a hand print on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have rewritten mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
Because I knew you
I have been changed for good

"For Good"
from Wicked

 

This weekend I had the awesome privilege of seeing Wicked on Broadway. It was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G and one of the best things about it for me was that, rather than focus on a romantic situation as most plays do, this one focused primarily on friendship, something I don't think we, as a culture, discuss as much as we should. For example, just the other day I was talking with a friend about how hard it is when friendships end. We talk on and on and on about romantic heartache, but rarely address the issue of how painful it can be to lose a friend. As someone who has lost a few (to drama, to death, to misunderstandings), I know just how painful that loss can be. Wicked addresses the topic of friendship in a way that I rarely see in media and I just adored the play, the actors, the plot. If you haven't seen it, you should. Really. It's amazing. Anyway, when I arrived back from NYC I discovered (via blog posting and Twitter) that the first Sunday in August (today!) is Friendship Day. How perfectly timed this was with my Wicked experience! I knew right away that I would write about friendship when I saw the play and it couldn't have been more fitting that today is Friendship Day.

Before I go on, I must pause and say Happy Friendship Day to all of my amazing, wonderful friends out there. I have the good fortune to have some really loyal, trustworthy, caring friends and I am so lucky to have them. In addition, I have the joy of having all of my online friends who are always so supportive and encouraging of me and my blogs. Happy Friendship Day to all of you and thank you, thank you, thank you for being the wonderful, giving, awesome people you are. Without my friends, I don't know where I would be so thank you all for being there, for supporting me, for making me the person I am today. You have all -- in some way -- changed me, not only for good, but for the better. Thank you.

The Early Years

Now that all of the sappy stuff is out of the way, I want to talk about friendship. When you're a kid, it seems easy. Okay, maybe not easy, but it seems easier to understand. Either you're someone's friend or you're not. You have your BFFs (best friends forever!), you have your close friends, you have some friends that you'd invite to your birthday party but you don't really care all that much for. To me, childhood friendships were pretty darn simple. Sure, there were some dramatic years (fourth grade, to be precise), but it was a lot easier to relate to one another than it seems to be now, as adults. Perhaps that was because we were all pretty open -- being ourselves and just living in the moments of childhood -- but it seems like friendships were easier back then.

The Teen Years

In high school they got more complicated due to what I like to think of as the B + J + 3Ds (Boys + Jealousy + Drinking/Drugs/Drama). All of those contributed quite a bit to the unique dynamics of many of my high school (and college) friendships. However, that's just me and, of course, keep in mine that I went to an all-girls, Catholic school. That tidbit of information might help you to better understand my complex perspective on friendships a bit more. Though, I must be honest, I'm sure plenty of girls that went to all girls schools had amazing, lasting friendships. I have a few great ones that I'm so thankful for (love you, Christine and Blair!), but, for the most part, it was a lot of cattiness, competition, and cruelty -- things I definitely don't have in my friendships today.

The Grown-Up Years

Today I am lucky to have some really great friends -- people I interact with daily, people I share my deepest thoughts with, people who aren't always in my everyday life, but who I love dearly and who love me back, even if it's from a distance. I am incredibly lucky when it comes to friendships. I have a great best friend at work. I have not one but three great best friends out of work. I have a few close friends that I treasure, many of which live all over the country. I have family members who are like best friends. I have a bunch of new online friends who are amazing. I often sit back and think, "Ugh, I'm alone," but, really, I'm so not. This post has reminded me to think about -- and be thankful for -- all of the great people in my life.

Changed for Good

Because of my friendships, I have been changed. As I was watching Wicked, I thought back to a friend that I had when I lived in California. She was, I'd thought, my closest friend out there. Then something happened. Something bad. Instead of standing by my side, as I imagined a friend would do during a difficult time, she went behind my back and started saying things about me that just weren't true. Though I could understand, to some extent, why she thought those things, it was incredibly hurtful to find out from another (who is now one of my great friends!) that she was saying such things about me. I was instantly transported back to high school -- a time of cattiness and pettiness and jealousy -- and I hated it. I was, to put it mildly, miserable. If it weren't for my new friend, I don't know how I would have survived. As I watched the play, I thought back to the girl who had hurt me (and, for those who have seen the play, is not all that far off from the character of Glinda) and I forgave her. It's been years since this all happened and for years I've been telling myself that she was an awful, spiteful person. I've been hurting myself even more, I've realized, by doing this. It felt good to finally forgive her and even better to realize that my friendship with her served a purpose. She changed me for good and she changed me for the better. Though I didn't know it back then, she was making me stronger, better just by saying hurtful things about me. Though I knew her only for a short time and have no contact with her now, she changed my life for the better. All of the sadness, the hurt, made me a better person.

And that's what friendships -- even those that seem wasted -- do. They make you better. They change you. We often think about this concept in relation to romantic relationships. I myself wrote a post the other day on how to deal with a broken heart. We tell ourselves that a broken heart will make you stronger, better, but what about a broken friendship? It does the same thing. We can see the good in it, the positive, even when it doesn't seem like there is any. When I think back on that friendship with that girl in California, I know there was good in it. She taught me things, even if those were lessons on what I didn't want to be. I learned from her that I didn't want to be negative. I didn't want to be whiny. I didn't want to treat others as if they were beneath me. I learned from her that I didn't want to focus only on my looks, that I wanted to have a career that didn't involve head shots and casting calls. I learned that I didn't want to bring other people down or date a guy that was too scared of being alone to leave me. I learned that I didn't want to be a bad friend, the kind of person that would hurt other people just to stir up trouble, to be the center of attention, to make her life less boring. I learned I wanted to have a really close group of good friends rather than a bunch of girls that spent time with me just to up the numbers of people they had at a party. I learned a lot from this girl. And this was someone I knew only for a short time and had a not-so-pleasant experience with. Just think of all the wonderful, inspiring things I learn from all of my friends on a daily basis!

Friendships come and go. Some are for life, some are only passing, fleeting moments that we share with other people, but all of them change us. They change us for good, and many change us for the better. I am so fortunate to be in the company of such amazing people in my life. I am so lucky to have friends that love me, challenge me, teach me, push me, and want the best for me. Every day my friends change me without even knowing it. Every day they make me better. To them, and to all of you reading this post, Happy Friendship Day!

 

What does friendship mean to you?
How and what do you learn from your friendships?

Comments

[Hayden Tompkins]

It wasn't until I was WELL out of college that I started making friends with women. I just related more to boys in elementary, middle, and high school. I usually had one or two close gal friends but the bulk of my peeps were guys.

The one thing about guys is that they are usually VERY laid back, which is great in a group dynamic. But as a one-on-one best friend thing it can be a little infuriating after a while.

Either way, friends are fabulous! It just took me a while to figure out that my friends weren't perfect for every situation, that some friends were better suited than others sometimes.

[Hilary]

Happy Friendship to you my young friend! We're as young as we feel - fairly young! You're doing such a great job .. just so pleased you enjoyed Wicked .. it's interesting to hear what the story line is about, as at the moment I can't pay attention to those sort of things, so please keep correlating between film, theatre, music and us your friends ..

Fantastic about NYC .. glad you enjoyed the experience .. yes we all need to learn as we go from good and bad experiences .. often we think people 'leave us' .. but sometimes it's just life . I've contacted a friend recently from SA who's back here .. and for her it's just life ..

Keep writing, keep posting and we'll wing friendship votes of confidence in your direction .. Happy Friendship Day ...
Hilary Melton-Butcher
Positive Letters Inspirational Stories

[positively present]

Hayden - Friends are fabulous! I've always had a hard time being friends with guys because it never seems to stay at a friends level. I've always preferred a few close friends to a large group of friends, and I completely agree that there are certain types of friends for certain situations. The older I get, the more I'm able to understand the dynamics of certain friendships and make the most of them.

Hilary - Happy Friendship Day to you too, friend! :) As you said, we need to learn from the good and the bad in life (and this includes friendships too!). Connecting with people is important, but sometimes we have to realize that a lost friendship happens for a reason. Thanks for your great comments! :)

[Dayne]

It's amazing the power of just having one good friend. Of course, more is good too, but even if you have that one person you can be yourself with, laugh with, exchange thoughts with...it can alter your life. I'm lucky to still have one of my best friends around me now and it makes all the difference in the world.

Thanks for the great post Dani! :)

[positively present]

Dayne - It's so true. One good friend can have such a powerful impact on our lives. Having a best friend is one of the greatest joys in life and I don't think it's celebrated nearly enough. Friendship Day is a great excuse to let your friends know just how much you appreciate them.

[Deb Owen]

First, I saw Wicked on Broadway a few years back and loved it! And a friend(!) of mine and I have often sung this song when we're asked to sing on the spot. (She always makes me play Glinda though. Sheesh! ;-) )

So I'm very excited for you that you got to see this!

Now, about friends.
I've been so very lucky to have some amazing friends in my life.

Not only do I value those who stick by me (and I them), I count my closest friends as those who truly know me, love me anyway and will kick my butt when I need it. They will, when needed, be as brutally honest with me as they need to be.

Actually, there was someone I wasn't exactly a big fan of and who I had always thought didn't like me much. Until I went through something in my life, and this was the person who told me the truth. I became more accepting of the ways in which this person 'wasn't perfect' - and we ended up becoming better friends through the process.

And that, I think, has been one of my biggest lessons in life. To realize that not all of my friends have to know every detail of my life (I have friends I wouldn't tell my deepest, darkest secrets to -- but we have interests in common and have a great time hanging out)...and to not expect perfection from them either.

It has been my friendships, more than my romantic relationships, that have changed me the most -- for good.

Thanks for this great post, Dani!
All the best!
deb

Side note: When I went to see Wicked, especially since it was on Broadway, I bought a few souveniers -- for me and a few for others. When the girl saw the total for how much stuff I'd bought, she looked scared to tell me the amount. I just shook my head, looked at her and said, "Just run the card. Don't even tell me. Just run the card." I already knew. But it made her laugh anyway.

[The Exception]

I would love to see this! Our friends offer so much whether we are in that relationship or whether it has ended. A friend and I traveled different paths shortly after graduating from college - yet, our paths crossed again 7 years later , and she is now someone I once again value greatly.

One never knows where the path will lead or which friends or people or relationship will be included in that hourney, but each relationship offers something... and friends are people that I have come to appreciate more and more with age. (I just posted on friends, kind of, Friday)

Thanks for this post. I am looking forward to seeing the show.

[Giovanna Garcia]

What a beautiful post about friends. :-)

A true friend is someone who knew you when you were down and out, and treat you the same when you are doing well.
A true friend is someone you know that you can count on, when you need a leg up.
A true friend is someone you want to give generously to, just because.
A true friend is someone you will protect and stand up for because you care for them.
A true friend is someone you are honest with; you tell each others the true.
A true friend is someone you are kind to.
A true friend is someone you love.
A true friend is someone who will always be there for you, because they want to - not because they need to.
A true friend is someone whom makes the effort to visit you even when it isn’t convenience, and you will do the same as well.

Cheers to friendship.
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action

[Lori]

I've lived pretty far away from my family since I went to college. Therefore, I've often found substitute family in my friends. To be honest, if you move around the world like I have, your BFF's change. But that's okay. I may not keep in close contact with all the friends that have accompanied me through my life trials (divorces, family drama, grad school, child-rearing), but they will remain permanent pieces in the mosaic of my life.

To all my friends: Happy Friendship Day! --Lori

[J.D. Meier]

I forget where I read it, but somebody pointed out that the most important people in our lives are the ones that help make us a better version of ourselves.

[Dawn]

I love this...I too have lost too many friends...and have found it difficult to really embrace new ones...Great post.

[positively present]

Deb - Wicked is great, isn't it? I loved it so much. That's wonderful that you also have some really great friends in your life. Thanks for sharing your insights on friendship. I think you've made such a great point about how some friendships are different than others. We can have many different types of friendship in our lives and that's what's so amazing about it. And, no matter what kinds of friendships we have, they impact us in so many ways and change us in ways we might not even realize until many years later.

The Exception - Thanks for the comment! You've made a great point about how friendships can come back into our lives. I recently connected with an old friend and I'm so glad I did. I also loved what you said about how we never know how friends will impact our journeys. Life is unpredictable and we never know who will impact us and how our relationship with that person might change in the future.

Giovanna - Thank you! :) And what a great comment you've posted. I believe that a true friend is all of those things you've mentioned and more. Cheers to friendship, indeed!

Lori - Great point. For many people who are living far from family or who do not get along well with family, friends become like family. And I also love what you said about how friends can change and we can change, but all of our friends will always be pieces of us, little parts of us that make up who we are today.

J.D. - I think I've read something like that somewhere as well and I believe it's so true. The best kinds of friends are those that make us better and, in return, we make them better as well.

[Megan Bord]

What a great post, and as you said, well timed!
My friends are my family, and the further I go along this joyful spiritual path, the bigger that family becomes.
I have a childhood friend - my best friend growing up - who has always been by my side, no matter what. At one point in our 20's, it seemed we were drifting apart, though. She had her boyfriend-to-become-husband and I had mine, and we didn't make time for each other anymore. One day I told her as much, and said I thought it was okay if we drifted apart. She wouldn't have it, but she didn't say that to me directly. Instead she started setting up regular Saturday morning coffee outings for us, which we're now on the sixth year of...
I learned through her gesture that no matter what, we're sticking together, and I couldn't be happier or more grateful.

Dani, I'm so glad you mentioned your online gang of friends, too, because truly I feel such a beautiful connection with everyone who blogs & comments, including you. Namaste, my friend!

[Sami - Life, Laughs & Lemmings]

Happy Friendship Day to you too PP! One thing I've learnt about friendship as I've gotten older is that it's very much about quality as opposed to quantity. I've gotten to the point where I believe that life is so precious and short that I'd rather spend my time with true friends than waste my time with superficial people (that may sound arrogant but it's not meant to be). True friends rock!

[positively present]

Dawn - It's so difficult to embrace new friends after having lost friends, but I think it's important to keep good friends close. We don't have to have tons and tons of friends -- just a few good ones that stick by our sides through think and thin.

Megan - What a great story about you and your best friend! You've highlighted two very important attributes of friendship -- communication and dedication. Friendships take work and we have to communicate with one another to make the most of them. That's great that you spend time with your friend often. Yes, I couldn't leave out all of my new online friends. They've become such an important part of my life!

Sami - Thanks! I'm with you on quality over quantity. I'd much rather have a few very close friends than a bunch of so-so friendships. True friends really do rock! :)

[Stephen Mills]

Dani, what a wonderful post. Being a man I can't exactly relate to all the drama with friends you've had. At least men from my generation don't seem to suffer quite the same drama amongst friends. Interestingly enough, currently most of my closest friends are women and I find they get hurt a lot more than my male friends ever did. I don't know what this has to do with your post because I started rambling, but there it is anyway. Love your blog!

[Karen Chaffee]

I think everyone who touches our lives changes us to some extent, but the truest of friends always change us for the better. Excellent post, Dani!

[positively present]

Stephen - Thanks so much! It makes me so happy to know you love the blog because yours is so great. As for friendship, I think each friendship is unique and I definitely think that friendships with men and women (and between both sexes) can be very different. For the most part, I feel like men don't have as much drama in their friendships (lucky! haha).

Karen - Yes, that's so true. Everyone that touches our lives can impact us and our good friends can have such positive impacts our lives. :)

[Lance]

Dani,
A great big Happy Friendship Day to you! And don't say that "tongue in cheek", I mean that very much. A few years ago it would have been difficult for me to imagine I could have friends I'd never met in person before. And yet, today - in addition to those I call "friend" that I know by our personal meetings, I also have a wonderful group of friends I've met through blogging. And this has been wonderfully uplifting and connecting for me. And you, Dani, are such a part of this group I call a friend. Thank you for being you, for the honesty with which you write, and for caring as much as you do.

[DavinaH]

Hi Dani. I enjoy live theatre. Saw a Broadway play once and loved it. This is a wonderful post for Friendship Day. I lost a dear friend about 5 years ago (mutual decision). It was very hard. But the hurt? I think it's just a recognition of something that needs to be healed and that friend has given you the opportunity to look at it. How else COULD you look at it if you weren't feeling it? Happy Friendship Day.

[positively present]

Lance - Thank you so much for your kind comment. Like you, I wouldn't have imagined in the past that I'd have friends that I'd never met, but I do! And I most certainly consider you one of them. Thank you for all of your support. It means more than I can say.

Davina - Theater (especially Broadway!) is so amazing. Any time I see a performance I am so moved by actors' abilities to tell a story and Wicked was particularly moving for me. You've made a great point about how the loss of a friend brings to light issues and feelings that should be dealt with. Friendships -- lost and otherwise -- give us opportunities to look at ourselves and the world from a new perspective and, to me, that's always so important.

[Carolyn]

Beautiful post. I am currently struggling a bit in the friendship department. Having just graduated from school, it's weird to not have a built-in social network in which I'm immersed. I am trying to find quality friendships, but it's quite hard in the midst of working a full-time job. But I'm going to keep trying!

[Chania Girl]

I'm glad you wrote this post, Dani, because you're right: we don't see as many portrayals in the media of friendships as we do romantic partnerings.

I, too, have experienced the loss of friendships, recently and not so recently, and these losses are painful even when sometimes they are for the best. I have also "broken up" with friends, and that too has been hard.

But all of these have helped me grow, and I can look back now on even the not-so-healthy friendships and see how they've taught me what not to do, how not to treat people, or helped me realize what I TRULY want.

Beautiful post!

[Kaushik]

Hi Dani,

Happy Friendship Day to you too!

You're right, friends can come and go, and perhaps that knowledge is what can helps us make the most of our friendships in the present.

Thanks!

k

[positively present]

Carolyn - Friendship is never easy, especially when you're just graduating and in the work world for the first time. I've been out of school for a few years but it's still hard to meet new people and find lasting friendships. Don't worry though, it will happen, and the friends you make post-college are some of the best friends you'll have!

Chania Girl - It's unfortunate that we don't see as many portrayals of friendship in the media, but the one in Wicked is a great example of how sometimes friendship really is brought to the forefront. The loss of friendship is something that should be talked about more because it really can be so painful, but I do believe that things happen for a reason and that we learn and grow from them. So glad you liked the post! :)

Kaushik - Thank you! You've made a great point in your comment. Friendships may come and go and that's exactly why we should make the most of them right now, in the present. Great point!

[green ink]

Thank you for writing this post Dani. More than ever you've made me feel like I'm not alone! I too have suffered the betrayal of false friends (the story you shared is almost identical to the situation I was in) and it hurt like hell at the time, and does still hurt today. But until I read this post, I never thought that I have changed because of these people and I've learned lessons about what I don't want to be or have in my life. It is indeed something to be grateful for, despite everything. And the friends that I still have from that time in my life and who have stood by me are amazing, and bring a great deal to my life which I am grateful for.

I saw Wicked two years ago, and I loved it. My boyfriend has often said he'd like to see it, so maybe I'll take him to see it again! I loved how different it is to other musicals and, as you say, it has messages about life and friendship that are so relevant.

Have a happy week and happy Friendship Day xx

[positively present]

Green Ink - I'm so glad that you could relate to what I wrote. I think many people have been in similar situations and they can be so painful -- just has bad as heartbreak, if not worse -- and people talk about them so rarely. We really do learn and grow and become better because of them. It's not always easy to see this but it's so true and sometimes it's these situations that really make us appreciate our true, loyal friends even more. I hope you have a happy week too! :)

[Syd]

I'm grateful for the friends in my life. I know that I am much more open to friendships than I ever was before. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on friendship here.

[positively present]

Syd - Like you, I'm becoming more and more open to friendships these days. Before I was always guarded, scared, paranoid, but I'm learning to open up more and more and I'm so grateful for all of the friendships in my life.