how to be beautiful from the outside in

 "Too many people overvalue what they are not
and undervalue what they are."

Malcolm Forbes

The other day I received an email from a friend who was feeling down about her appearance, primarily because she was comparing herself to others. No matter what she told herself, she just couldn't help but compare her physical appearance to those around her. Reading her email, I could completely relate. There are times when it's just downright impossible not to compare the way I look to those around me. And generally that's not a positive experience because if I decide that I'm the one better off in the comparison I still hate myself for judging and for comparing in the first place. 

First, before I go on, let me say that my friend is quite pretty. She's the kind of girl you'll be walking with and randomly guys will look over and say, "Hi!" as if something compelled them to utter the word. She's beautiful. But, like most beautiful women, that doesn't necessarily stop her from feeling down on herself or from comparing the way she looks to the other women around her. 

I don't want to make this all about women, but I really can only speak from the point of view of a woman. From my personal experience -- all of the experiences I've heard about from other women over the last twenty-six years -- it's pretty darn hard not to compare yourself to other women and not to, at times, feel insecure, even if you happen to be a dashingly beautiful lass like my friend. So, I've given it some thought and rather than reinforce my usual "love yourself!" lesson (which, don't get me wrong, I still wholeheartedly believe in), I've decided to write a post on how to deal with transforming your outer beauty into an internal, lasting beauty. And, really, that comes down to not comparing yourself to others. You might be able to validate yourself based on your physical appearance sometimes, but is that ever really enough? To be truly happy, you have to be happy with who YOU are, no matter what other people look like or say or do.

 How To Stop Comparing

1. Remind yourself that you're not alone. It's definitely hard not to compare yourself to others. I don't know whether it's a trait we're born with or one we learn from our societies, but it's definitely a hard habit to break so cut yourself some slack and don't beat yourself up every time you find yourself looking at the guy or girl next to you and thinking, "Man, s/he is way better looking than me." It's normal to do this from time to time, but it's not normal to obsess about it or to let it make you feel terrible about yourself. Whatever you do, make sue you reinforce the positive notion that no matter what you look like, you are more than your appearance.
   
   
2. Remember all of the things that are great about YOU. Whenever I find myself feel bad about myself for any reason, I remind myself of my good traits. I tell myself that I'm great at something and focus on the non-physical aspects of my awesomeness. And when I do this, I make sure I'm not comparing. For example, I'll say to myself, "I'm a great writer," not "She might be gorgeous, but I'm definitely a better writer than her." Pump yourself up, but not at the expense of others. Focus on your positive traits (and, yes, you know you have tons of them!). 
   
   
3. Tell everyone you know to stop talking about appearance. This is a hard one but for a lot of us, the reaction to compare stems from those around us who are also comparing. When we hear others doing the comparing, it's tempting to join right in. In addition, the more those around us talk about and worry about their physical appearances, the more we will too. If it comes up in conversation after you've already asked friends and family not to make it a priority, simply say, "I hear what you are saying but, as I mentioned to you before, I don't think its healthy or productive for me to focus so much on physical appearance." Make it all about you by using the words "I" and "me," because the last thing your companion wants to hear is you bashing him/her for bringing up a topic s/he probably already feels insecure about. 

I've found that it's hard not to let my ego get the best of me sometimes. I know there are probably better ways to handle comparisons to others (like, maybe, eliminating all earthly possessions or something like that), but, hey, I'm not perfect. When faced with a society that's constantly bombarding you with images of how you can (and should!) look better than you do, it's pretty hard sometimes not to compare yourself to others. For right now I can only say that I'm going to work on embracing the positive in and around me every moment. Instead of comparing ourselves to others, we should focus on the great things in our lives that aren't physically represented. We have to counteract society's focus on physical appearance with more important, essential things (such as amazing talents or great friendships).

Sadly, I don't think we're ever going to be able to escape the notion that what we look like impacts our world (society, our friends, and our minds have tainted us too much), but we can do our best to shift our focus to more important, valuable things. We need to remember that no matter what we look like, no matter who is better looking or less attractive than we are, we have a lot more to offer to the world than physical appearance. Without physical beauty, you will still be fabulous, creative, intelligent, generous, loving, thoughtful, passionate people. Keep smiling and believing in your awesomeness! You're beautiful outside and in and no one else's comments, beauty, or attitude can take that away from you. 

Do you find yourself comparing yourself to others?
How do you deal with these comparisons?

Comments

[twitter.com/EnhanceLife]

Great post as usual :-0)

To add to what you've mentioned here..

Self esteem is a measure of how you value yourself. If you think that your behaviors and decisions matched up well with your internal value system, you will feel good about yourself.

Your beliefs about your potential point directly toward your self-image. Some people seem to come by a healthy self-image naturally; most of us need to work on improving how we see ourselves.

[Tess The Bold Life]

Dani,
This is very very good! No. 2 will pull a person up immediately. No. 3 I'm going to begin doing. My mom always commented and compared herself. So I grew up with it. It's never to late to stop as you say and ask others to stop as well.Great ideas.

[Mark]

Great post! Yes, when we stop comparing ourselves against others or against cultural standards we then are able to see and appreciate our true beauty!
Interesting my post and yours today were along similar thoughts.

[Ia]

I definately feel that the urge to compare ourselves to others stems from the society we've grown up in. In my opinion, the ego is something that is built - it isn't a natural presence, it's a learned behavior. I feel the best thing we can do for ourselves is to simply let it go. I used to compare myself to others all the time, for appearance it was other models and the ex-girlfriends of current boyfriends. Instead of trying to pick myself up in a healthy way, I either beat myself in the ground for not having so much talent or bash the other girl. Not at all healthy! During my process of re-evaluation I learned that it was always my ego and not actually me. So, the easiest way was to just stop, whenever I caught myself comparing, I'd close the webpage *since it's usually other artists* and occupy my mind with something more productive. This helped break the habit, and now I can look at other artists' work, appreciate it, and try to see what I can learn from it (another thing I learned is that talent is cultivated, but you might be pre-disposed to a particular talent). Thanks for this post, Dani!

[All Women Stalker]

NOT comparing myself to others is so hard. But when I catch myself comparing and being jealous, I just do Step 2 here.

-meream

[Andrea]

I think your suggestion about telling others not to focus on appearances is great. What a wonderful and assertive way to point out that physical appearances are not in line with my values.
When I was at a very low point in my life, I came to the huge realization that comparing myself to other more attractive people was contributing to very poor mental health. So I took some time and came up with this self talk: "I am beautiful. There will ALWAYS be people who are more beautiful than me, but it doesn't discount the fact that I am beautiful."
I also like the process of non-identification: "I am not my appearance" or "I am not what other people perceive of me." This is a great reminder that who I am is more complex than just a physical manifestation.

[jonathanfigaro]

Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder. Focusing on how great you are, ends thoughts of comparison. nce you begin to compare your self to others you feel insecure, judgmental, and unatractive. If you keep your mind focused on posiitvity you feel great, positive, attracive, confident and happy.

How to see yourself as great

1. Think positive
2. Write a list about how great you are
3. Visualzie yourself as confident and happy to be in your own skin

[Lynn]

Okay, I do find myself saying - wow, she's hot or man, I wish I had her ______. When I do that, I just say "oh well, I don't and that's that" and move on. Just like you said - even beautiful women have issues. Thanks for the great suggestions! I will use them.

[Gretchen Cawthon]

Excellent. Have you seen the Dove video where they show the making of a supermodel billboard with all of the makeup, air-brushing and photoshopping? It's very powerful! My kids were blown away by it.

[Syd]

I've found that daily affirmations helped me when I first got into Al-Anon. I would write 5 things that I liked about myself and do that a few times a week. It helped.

[Danielle]

I used to compare myself to others, particularly in appearance, but I've learned to stop. I'm lucky enough to have a very supportive boyfriend who loves me for who I am. Whenever I'm feeling down or like a whale, he'll always be there to say that I'm beautiful and that he likes my curves. A lot. That definitely helps, and I've learned to love my shape too. Even if I compare myself to another woman who is skinnier or prettier, I just do No. 2 up on this list (not in the bathroom!) and say that I'm awesome because my booty is awesome! Then I feel better. Usually.

[Sara]

Dani -- This is a good post. I think it's appropriate for both men and women. Men have the same issues, but they express it differently.

I liked your suggestions very much, especially the second one. I have to really work at making myself list things I like about me, but when I do it, I feel much better.

I also try to avoid a lot of the magazines geared for women, which focus on beauty. First of all, they sell tons of stuff that we don't really need and they imply we need we fix ourselves in some way.

As I grew up at time when you didn't go out of the house (for any reason other than fire) unless you wore makeup, I'm also learning from my daughters to be more comfortable going out with a naked face:~) Thanks for this post.

[Positively Present]

EnhanceLife - Thank you! And great addition to what I wrote in this post. You have to make sure that your behaviors match with what you want your values to be (which was always a problem for me!), and you have to work on improving self image in order not to worry so much about what others have/think/do/look like.

Tess - I think a lot of women grow up with moms (or friends or other family members) who are so into appearance that the women cannot help but be affected by it. It just came to me recently that I can simply say, "You know what, this isn't something I want to talk about" or change the subject.

Mark - Thanks! Exactly... Once we stop comparing ourselves to others we can really appreciate our own beautiful. We are all beautiful in our own unique ways and we have to always remember that. No matter what someone else says or does, we can always celebrate our own beauty!

Ia - I completely agree which is why I wanted to study society in graduate school. As you may or may not know, I wrote a thesis on how children's films impact the way they view gender and love. So much of what we absorb from our culture impacts us. You've made a great point about letting go. If we find ourselves comparing in a specific situation, we need to remove ourselves from it and change the way we think about it. Great point!

Meream - It's definitely SO hard, but it's important to do what you do when you find yourself comparing. Just remind yourself how great you are. There's enough greatness to go around so playing up your good points in your mind doesn't mean you have to downplay anyone else's!

Andrea - Thank you! I'm glad I thought of it because I really think it will help me (and the friend I wrote about here) out a lot. Sometimes it's just as simple as saying, "No. I don't want to talk about that." As you've noted, there will always be people who are prettier, smarter, wealthier, etc. than you are and, because of that, it really doesn't do any good to compare. You have to love yourself no matter what and, not surprisingly, other people pick up on this and will love you for all of your amazing qualities too!

Jonathan - Yes it is! I love your suggestions for "How To See Yourself As Great". I think all of those are wonderful and great ways to focus on the positive happiness we all possess within ourselves.

Lynn - That's great that you can recognize the comparisons and then move on from those thoughts. As I said above, it's normal to have thoughts comparing yourself to others (I think we all do it at some point), but it's important to make sure these thoughts don't become dominant in your mind. Sounds like you handle it very well!

Gretchen - I haven't seen that, but I have enjoyed many of the recent Dove ads that I've seen featuring real women (not stick-thin models). I'll have to search for the video online. Sounds like it would be great for my other site, Hope Springs Internal!

Syd - That sounds like a great idea. When you're writing the positive things down, you're reinforcing them and encouraging yourself to look for the good within you. No matter who you are or how often you compare yourself to others, I think we could all benefit from this suggestion. Thanks for sharing it!

Danielle - How wonderful that you've learned to stop comparing! I've definitely cut down on it a lot, but I can't say that I'm 100% there yet. That's really great that you have a supportive guy in your life who loves you for who you are. It's great to remind yourself of how great you are whenever you find that you might think about comparing yourself to someone else. (Haha, I love how No.2, booty, and bathroom were all in the same sentence!)

Sara - Thank you. I'm so glad that you liked the post and my suggestions. You've made a great point about avoiding things that encourage us to compare (like women's magazines). It's so much better to focus on our natural beauty (and other things that don't relate to physical appearance at all!).

[Caroline]

Yes...it's the comparing thing that get me! And where I live it's all about the body! I am surrounded by young actresses and models. Long lean tan legs and fake boobs. Gah! I am 40 and have had 2 kids...and I am sorry, but plastic surgery is not an option for me. What I need to do is stop comparing! I mean really, what is the point? Why do we do this? It's self torture and not kind at all! Thanks for this Dani...and your comment on my blog. This is good...very very good!

[suzen]

Great post and great suggestion about NOT comparing ourselves to others. What a waste of energy first of all---thoughts are energy---and chances are you do nothing ultimately good for yourself. Oh I admit once in a blue moon I'll say "If I could look like so and so........" but it is more out of admiration for this person's beauty than it is to belittle mine!

My mom taught me to work with what I've got cuz that's ALL I've got to work with - and just be happy with what I've been given. Is there anything more beautiful than a person who is comfortable in their own skin?

[Positively Present]

Caroline - Me too! It's hard not to compare, but it's SO much better when we don't. As you noticed, there really is no point in comparing ourselves to others. It really does just make us feel bad about ourselves and never makes anything any better. We all need to be kinder to ourselves and love our appearances just the way they are! I really enjoyed your post today! It's great!

Suzen - Thank you! Comparing ourselves to other people IS a waste of energy. It never does anything good for us. I know what you mean about admiring someone else; I think that can be a positive thing as long as we don't use that admiration to get down on ourselves. Your mom was definitely on to something and you're so right -- there is nothing more beautiful that someone who is comfortable in his or her own skin!

[Hilary]

Hi Dani .. it's presenting our best face and then relaxing .. looking within reason tidy, clean, happy and 'well presented' not scruffy ..- otherwise we could feel so out of place, and uncomfortable trying to match up - if we're just "us" .. then that's who we are 365 days a year, 24/7 .. no changing, nothing different it is as people will always see us and as we will always behave .. etc

Thanks - good points - Hilary Melton-Butcher
Positive Letters Inspirational Letters

[Stephen - Rat Race Trap]

I decided looks were not important when a girl in a high school classroom shouted out "You are going bald!" :-)

I know it can be hard but looks are temporary and if you tie yourself to them you are guaranteed to be disappointed. I actually think it is good for people to be average looking because to be beautiful can be a burden. To be average forces you to come up with something else.

[Positively Present]

Hilary - You're so right. If we present the best self to the world we feel a lot more together and relaxed. This doesn't mean being the most beautiful or perfect; it means putting whatever we have out there and accepting ourselves for who we are. Great points!

Stephen - Oh man, that sounds like a good day to make that decision! :) It's definitely hard to remember sometimes that looks are temporary, but they really are. If you make them your life, you will be let down because, no matter what you do, you will still age and change. I agree that being beautiful can be a burden and it really does raise a lot of questions about a person's self-worth in his/her mind. For example, whenever someone tells me I'm beautiful I always quickly reply with, "Thanks. And smart too!" as if to remind them (and myself) that it's not all about looks.

[Megan Bord]

As someone who developed an eating disorder at age 14, I can definitely relate! I've learned, though, that the more at peace I am within myself, the more at peace I am with what I see on the outside. For those days when it's just not working, though, I remind myself of something a good friend told me when I was scraping the bottom of the barrel, like your friend. She told me, "When people look at you, they're noticing what they like; not what they don't like! They see your shiny hair, bright beautiful eyes, big smile..." That was a great reminder of what I needed to focus on (the good) as opposed to what I had been wasting my energy on (the bad).
As always, great advice in here!

[Jannie Funster]

Guilty here of sometimes comparing myself to prettier souls. I've never liked my nose. Isn't that superficial? But those feelings pass pretty quickly to be replace with soul-level gratitude for my good health, talents and the great love I have in life.

[Positively Present]

Megan - I completely agree with you -- the more you're at peace with yourself inside, the more you're at peace with yourself on the outside. Your friend offered you a great piece of advice and we should all think that way when we're starting to comparing ourselves to other. Focusing on the good is always the best thing to do!

Jannie - I think we're all guilty of doing that from time to time (superficial or not!) but it's important to do what you do -- let those feelings pass quickly and instead focus on the deeper, more important aspects of your life.

[brandi]

oohhh...that # 3 is a powerful one...setting a boundary and also being an example for others to shift perspective.

love it!

[Kaizan]

I think women have it even tougher now, since appearance is considered so important in our society. Even if you're a successful mother or brilliant at your job, it's considered an addition to your physical appearance.

Rising above this isn't easy, but remember that personality is as important as actual physical looks in whether someone comes across as attractive. No one likes an angry bitter person, whether they are stunningly good looking or not.

[Positively Present]

Brandi - I agree -- and probably the hardest one to do. But I think once you put it out there that talking about physical appearance and comparing yourself to others isn't something you do, people will stop bringing it up. It's a great boundary to set!

Kaizan - Definitely. It's hard to be a woman -- no matter how beautiful/thin/successful you are. I agree that it's so important to remember that physical looks can be impacted by attitude A LOT. The happier you are, the more attractive you are!

[Hilda]

That's a powerful quote Dani - I'm going to borrow that one ;-)

Learning to not compare myself to others was one of my most powerful life lessons. Comparing ourselves to others isn't limited to how we look, but also to what we do/what we have/what we've acccomplished. And it's really draining.

It takes practice to stop making the comparisons, but it's very freeing and empowering once we accept that we are all different, and on different paths. A very important topic, thanks for writing about it.

[Positively Present]

Hilda - Glad you liked the quote! I thought it was pretty fitting for this post. You're so right about comparisons being draining. They only bring us down and never bring anyone else up. It absolutely requires a lot of practice to stop comparing, but it's definitely something that's worth putting a lot of effort into.

[J.D. Meier]

It's a great reminder that the most important bar is the bar you set yourself. It starts from the inside out.

[Positively Present]

J.D. - Absolutely. We have to set our own values and we can't base those values on the appearances of others. I agree that it starts from inside and, for those who have trouble focusing on the inside, they need to take what they see as beautiful on the outside and turn it inward.

[Sami - Life, Laughs & Lemmings]

Totally agree with this article. As I've grown older I've focused far less on the importance of my outward appearance and far more on who I am as a person. I still have my comparing moments but they are not nearly as often now. It's a much more meaningful outlook to have.

[Positively Present]

Sami - So glad you agree! It's so important to focus on what's inside because, cliche as it sounds, that's what really counts in life. I definitely feel like I have fewer comparing moments these days and, as a result, I actually feel much better about myself!

[Jenn]

Dani, I love the quote you started with! Also, I fall into this category a lot of comparing myself, I find it simply stops me from starting the most passionate things I want to do. Right now I'm seeking authenticity and clarity and so I appreciate this post very much! luv Jenn

[Positively Present]

Jenn - Thanks! You've made a great point about seeking authenticity and clarity. Those things are both SO important when it comes to loving yourself and the world around you.

[Niluka Weerasinghe]

Hi,
Totally agree with this article. As I've grown older I've focused far less on the importance of my outward appearance and far more on who I am as a person

Niluka

[Positively Present]

Niluka - Thanks for your comment! Like you, I've learned that inner beauty is much more valuable than outer beauty. It's such an important life lesson.