want to be happier? stop avoiding unhappiness

 

 

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell
that encloses your understanding."
Kahlil Gibran

The other day my therapist and I were discussing the topic of pain and all of the ways people try to avoid it. As we got to talking about it, I realized how truly shocking it is when you think about the lengths some of us will go to (me included) to avoid feeling pain or to inflicting pain on others. Logically, it makes sense. Pain sucks, so why would we want to experience it? But, the more I live, the more I know that pain is part of the game. And, through lots and lots of attempts to avoid pain, I've discovered that it only makes things worse when you seek to avoid pain. At the time it might seem logical, but I've found that the pain and hurt never actually go away. They just reappear in another (and often worse) form. No matter how hard we might try to cover up unpleasant emotions, they will resurface. Today I've been thinking about two things: (1) how we try to avoid pain (and why those things never really work) and (2) what we can do to stop avoiding pain (and, as a result, be a lot happier in the long run).

I like to think of that girl in the picture as the old Dani, the Dani that was so fearful of feeling anything other than excitement or happiness or numbness that she would do whatever she could -- almost always harming herself and others in the process -- to avoid pain. It seems backwards that now, as I learn to be a happier person, I am also learning that I need to be able to experience pain. When I think about it, it almost doesn't make sense. If I want to be happy, why would I want to feel pain? The thing is I don't want to feel pain. I don't want to be sad or angry or upset. But that's life. The more I avoid it (and, believe me, I became an expert at that), the more painful it becomes. No matter what I used to do numb or dull or completely avoid the pain in my life, it always came back. And it came back bigger. And more painful. Not only do I not want to experience any more pain than I have to, but I certainly don't want to make it worse. For so long I thought I was making it better, but that was far from the case. Let's take some time to talk about some of the ways we might try to avoid pain, why avoiding it makes it worse, and what we can do to stop avoiding pain.

The Ways We Avoid Unhappiness

1. Numbing the feelings. This used to be my number one go-to when it came to dealing with pain. Unhappy? Have a drink. Upset? Go to happy hour. I used to use substances that altered by mood and made me feel momentarily happy and uplifted. Anyone out there who has tried to deal with pain by drinking knows that this never works. Okay, I'll admit that it feels like it's working. For awhile you feel better. Until you don't. Even after indulging in whatever pain-numb suits your fancy (alcohol? drugs? sex? food? sleep?), it's still there. The pain, if left untouched, doesn't go away. And if you're adding substances like alcohol to the mix, there's bound to be more pain headed your way because, you see, when you're drinking you're ingesting a depressant. You're feeding the pain, giving it more ammo to use against your mind. In addition, if you're drinking heavily (as I often used to do), you're hurting your body and, if you're anything like me, hurting the people around you. Whenever I tried to numb pain, I created more painful situations for myself. After a night of heavy pain-numbing, I'd wake with more problems, more pain to deal with (and not just the physical kind, though that was pretty brutal). Though I don't have much personal experience with the food situation, for example, I would imagine that most things, if used in excess to numb pain, will have very negative results on your life and will create more problems. Numbing seems like a great idea -- sometimes it even seems like the only option when you're in so much emotional pain that you can't stand it -- but it's never the right option. It only makes it worse. Always.
   
   
2. Shifting the blame. This is another one of my favorites. If I wasn't trying to numb my pain in some way, I was trying to blame it on someone else. I would say that I was upset because so-and-so said this or did that. I would claim that I was hurting because that was just the way I was. I was just a sad person and that's all there was too it. I'd blame people, situations, the numbing effects of alcohol (never mind that I'd been the one to drink it... it was all alcohol's fault). I'd blame the timing or my mood or even, yes, the weather. If there was pain, there was a reason for it and that reason sure as hell wasn't me. I know I'm not alone in this because I see people do it all the time. They're unhappy, they're in pain, or they're sad -- so what do they do? Well, of course, they blame someone or something else! For years and years and years I felt like my pain was the direct result of other people. I felt that my friends, my parents, my sister, my teachers, my classmates, my relatives were to blame. There's no way I ever thought it might have been something do with me. For so long I thought that if I could just pinpoint the source of the pain I would be able to deal with it. But that's most certainly not how it works. I've found, in recent months of soul-searching, that most of my pain comes from me. There is no one to blame. Of course people have done things to me or said things to me that truly hurt, but that doesn't mean that I have to blame them. Many of the things that have been said to me hurt because of the truth that lies in them. Many of the hurtful things that have been done to me are a direct result of my own actions. That's not to say I'm at fault always, but it is to say that shifting the blame doesn't make me feel any better and it doesn't make the pain go away.
   
   
3. Devaluing the situation. This is one that didn't come to my mind right away, but was brought to my attention by my insightful therapist. She noted that a lot of people avoid dealing with pain by saying things like, "Oh, it doesn't matter that I failed that test. It's a stupid class anyway," or "Whatever. I don't care that she dumped me. She's a loser and of course I can do so much better." After she brought this idea up, I realized that a lot of people do this. When we're in pain, we try to rationalize it in our minds, to make it seem like less than it is. We, in a sense, devalue it. We think that if we strip it of its value then it won't mean anything to us, but, as most of us probably know, this isn't the case. Even if you say to yourself a million times that you don't care that you were dumped, does that really change how you feel? Does it really erase the hurt from your brain? Probably not. If you're hurt, you're hurt and no amount of devaluing the situation is going to change that. It might feel better temporarily, but it won't necessarily make the pain go away in the long run. I know I've done this before and I can remember feeling momentarily relieved. I can remember failing a Physics test in college and thinking to myself, "Whatever, that totally doesn't matter. I'm going to be a writer. What do I need Physics for?" While I felt better for a moment -- and managed to rationalize that big red F on the topic of my exam booklet -- deep down I still felt like a failure. I still felt that nagging I'm-not-smart-enough feeling in the pit of my stomach. I challenged it with all of the A's in English and the high marks in my other classes, but the pain of not doing well didn't necessarily go away. And, what was worse was the pain of knowing that I hadn't tried. It wasn't as if I had put in all of my effort and still couldn't grasp the concepts. No, that wasn't it at all. The pain radiated from the idea that I'd hardly studied at all. Devaluing the specific situation (the Physics exam) didn't make me feel any less pain about the underlying problem (my inability to apply myself). I might have made myself feel better in the moment but, in the long run, I still had to deal with the pain.   
   
   
4. Deceiving ourselves and others. Tying in closely with #3 is the notion that we can trick ourselves (and others) into believing that we're not feeling pain. As you may be aware, all of the "I'm fines" and "It's no big deals" can't take away pain -- no matter how many times you say them. As a creative type, I'm pretty creative with the ways I try to trick myself. I really put a lot of effort into convincing myself of things that just aren't true. And where does all of this deception get me? Nowhere. No matter what I say (or even what I think), if I'm in pain, I'm going to be in pain. I can avoid it or pretend it's not there or lie to myself, but that doesn't change a thing about it. Believe me, I'm tempted to just tell myself things are fine when I'm feeling unhappy. I'm very tempted to just tell myself that I don't care or that it doesn't bother me or that my feelings aren't hurt, but what's the point of lying? It might feel better briefly to lie to myself or others, but does it make the pain go away? Nope. Does it make me happier? Nope. Does it help me to be more positive and present in my life? Nope. Dishonesty is never good, and lying to yourself is the worst. Really, to put it simply: it's pointless. It doesn't make it better and it doesn't address whatever the issue is. Tempting as it might seem to gloss everything over and pretend the pain isn't there, remember this: you're not a magician, you can't wave a wand and make your pain disappear.

How To Stop Avoiding Unhappiness

1. Face the pain head on. It can be the hardest thing to do, but it's the most important if you want to get back to your happiest self. Deal with the pain. Sit with it. Spend time thinking about it. Let it be what it is. What I've been trying to do a lot lately is to think about something in an objective way. For example, if someone says something and it hurts me I think to myself, "That comment really hurt me because..." I think about it. I don't blame the other person or try to say, "Oh, he said that because..." I just look at it, as if it's a thought floating by, and I accept it for what it is. Then I accept the way I feel. More and more I'm learning that it's okay to be sad or angry or unhappy. It's okay not to be happy all of the time. For so many years I honed in on this pain and focused so much on it -- being negative, being sad -- that I didn't realize that it was up to me to choose happiness. Now that I know that I can be happy, that it's up to me, I see pain differently. Rather than being my archenemy, unhappiness is now something that is unpleasant but can be faced and dealt with. (Oddly, as a result of being able to accept unhappiness, I find that I encounter it much less often these days.)
   
   
2. Accept your responsibility. Yes, there are many things that aren't your fault and you shouldn't blame yourself for, but you have to realize that more often than not you are the one controlling your pain. Yes, others can say and do things to you, but you are the one that has the power to say, "I'm going to deal with this pain and I am going to move on." Blaming other people, as I mentioned above, really doesn't do anything. It might seem like it will make you feel better to point a finger, but does it really? Do you ever really feel better when I put the blame on someone else? I know that I don't. At least not in the long run. We all have the ability to take control of our emotions, to choose happiness, and while I'm very aware that this isn't always the easiest thing to do, it's always possible. You can let other people make you feel bad or you can choose to feel good. You can mope around feeling sorry for yourself or you can accept the situation and move forward. It's up to you. You've got one life and do you really want to go around, avoiding your pain by pointing fingers at other people? Yeah, didn't think so.
   
   
3. Recognize the value. I know it can be so tempting to just say, "Oh, this doesn't matter," or "I'm SO over that," but I don't believe that takes away the pain or helps you learn or grow from your experience. Every bad situation has a nugget of knowledge in it somewhere. You can find it if you just look. You'll never learn from your pain -- or actually be free of it -- if you don't admit that you care. It's not always easy to do this, especially when you don't want to care (and we all know what those situations are like!). So many times I'm faced with situations where I don't want to care, but I do. What do you want to focus on -- the imaginary "I don't care" scenario in your mind or the actual situation in which you do care? Personally, I want to live in the moment, in the real world, and that means admitting that something bothers me and that I'm affected by a situation. Maybe I don't have to admit this to anyone else, but I can at least admit it to myself. If I accept that the situation has value, I'll be able to move forward and recognize that my pain has value. Once I've realized that pain is real, that is worth feeling and being honest about, I can make progress in addressing it.
   
   
4. Be honest with yourself and others. This is probably, by far, the hardest one for me to deal with. As someone who's a bit of a story-teller and exaggerator, I have a hard time being honest with myself. I let things get out of control in my mind sometimes and situations (and emotions!) become bigger than life. I'm learning more and more to be honest with myself, to ask myself, "How does this really feel?" and "What's really happening right now?" The more honest I am with myself, the more honest I can be with others. Pain and sadness isn't something we should be ashamed of. We can all feel down from time to time and we all do. What we need to do is make the most of our pain by being honest about it. When we're honest, we can deal with much more effectively. When we're honest with ourselves, we can communicate our thoughts and feelings more accurately to others. I often find myself saying things about how I feel and then realizing moments later, "Hey! That's not really how I feel." The more honest I become with myself (even when that's a painful thing to do), the more honest I become with others and the better I become at communicating with them about my pain. This isn't always the easiest thing to do, but overall it really does make pain easier to deal with -- and to move on from.

 

Now you're probably thinking to yourself, "Great, I won't be making my pain any worse, but I'll still have to deal with it and that will make me unhappy." I can't speak for everyone, but I can speak from my own experience. The more I stop avoid pain, the less pain I find that I have in my life. Avoiding pain causes a lot of stress and takes a lot of energy out of us. All of that energy that could be spent on being happy instead goes to feeling sorry for yourself or worrying about your situation. When you deal with pain right away, in an honest way with a positive attitude, you'll find two things: (1) the pain's probably not as bad as you thought it would be and (2) you'll be able to deal with it and move on a lot better than you thought you would be able to do. The more you create a tangled web of unhappiness, the more you get trapped in that web, unable to get out no matter how much you struggle. In fact, it's the struggling that makes it worse. Sometimes you have to just sit with your pain or unhappiness, accept it for what it is, and realize that it will pass.

If you want to be happier (and don't we all?) one of the best things we can for ourselves is to accept pain in our lives. Yeah, it would be great if we didn't have to deal with pain (or would it?), but we do. That's life. Sometimes it's shitty. Sometimes it sucks. But I can guarantee that if you are living your life trying to avoid all of the painful, shitty things, you're making yourself pretty darn unhappy. So start being happier right now by doing just this one thing: stop avoiding your pain. I can't say that I'm an expert on this yet, but I know that now that I've started to deal with my pain I'm a lot happier (yes, even when I'm actually experiencing the pain) than I am when I try my hardest to avoid it. But don't believe me...try it out for yourself and see if it works for you!

Do you try as hard as you can to avoid pain? If yes, what methods do you use?
When you are trying to avoid pain, do you find that you're actually creating more pain?

Comments

[Jay Schryer]

For me, the ways that I most often try to avoid pain are a combination of #3, devaluing it, and #4, being dishinest with myself. But just like you, I've recently come to the conclusion that I'm only increasing the pain. I spent most of my life trying to avoid painful situations - always choosing the safest option. What life has taught me is that there is no escape. Sometimes, the "safe" option turns out to cause more pain than the adventurous option. Maybe always? I don't know. But I *do* know that pain can't be avoided. Took me long enough to figure it out though!

This is my favorite post of yours BY FAR! Awesome, awesome insight you've shared here. Thanks!!

[positively present]

Jay - Thank you so much! :) You made my day with that comment of yours. I felt really good about this one so I'm so glad to see that you enjoyed it a lot too. It's definitely taken me awhile to realize that pain cannot easily be avoided. It's so much better if I just deal with it and move on. It's tempting, even still, to believe that I can avoid it somehow, but I only end up hurting myself more in the long run. Thanks again for your feedback! :)

[Dayne]

Brilliant post Dani, this was great!

For me the way to be happy is to let it rise. I think we are all happy, it is just that most of us have our happiness closed off. For me what makes me happy is:

1. To have purpose
2. To feel my emotions (good or bad) and let them run their course
3. Acceptance of what is (reality)

When I do these things, happiness usually rises more often within me.

Thanks again!

Dayne
TheHappySelf
http://www.thehappyself.com

[Hayden Tompkins]

Also, "selective memory". Sometimes we don't want to go near a painful memory and we sort of erase it from our brains. Allowing ourselves to remember a painful experience instead of burying it deeply in our subconscious where it can do more damage.

Dani, I love love love that quote. It's perfect.

[Betsy Wuebker]

Hi Dani - All pain really wants is recognition. It's amazing how it immediately can begin to dissipate if we merely say hello. If we don't recognize pain, how do we recognize its opposite?

[Barbara Ling, Virtual Coach]

I always tell my kids, take ownership of your feelings. THey're yours and yours alone - nobody can "make" you feel anything. You choose to react.

It makes life far easier to appreciate, let me tell you that!

[Giovanna Garcia]

Hi Dani
Great post. Sound simple enough, yet, people sometime forget how important this is. :-)
Thank you for the reminder, my favorites is #4.
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action

[Avani Mehta]

Buddha says, life is suffering. When the pain stops, you achieve Nirvana :). It is not pain which troubles us so much. But 'not wanting pain' as you say - avoiding pain, and holding onto pain or the passing feelings of happiness. When we can see that all feelings are to pass by, so we rather enjoy them for this moment and not get attached, things automatically become easier.

[positively present]

Dayne - Thank you! :) I really like the idea of letting happiness rise. I've never thought about that before and I really like it! I think the three things you've listed are great ways to let happiness rise and I'm working on all of them a lot.

Hayden - Ah, yes, selective memory! That's another way that we lie to ourselves to avoid dealing with pain. It's definitely important to remember painful experiences instead of avoiding them. Sometimes that feels counterintuative, but it's really the best way. Isn't that a great quote? I was so happy to find it!

Betsy - Great point! Pain wants to be recognized and will do whatever it needs to to rise to the surface, no matter how much we try to squash it. Recognizing it is the first step to moving towards freeing ourselves from it.

Barbara - That's a wonderful thing to teach your children. We have the power to choose what we want to feel. Even though it feels like it at times, you're right, no one can "make" you feel anything. We have to own our feelings!

Giovanna - Yes, I agree. It sounds so simple, but it is easy to forget at times. I'm really trying to remind myself of it and it really helps me to write it all out this way.

Avani - Oh, you are so right! It's not really the pain that's the worst part. It's the not wanting to experience pain that gives us so much trouble in life. Great point about the Buddhist saying too. I forgot all about that one! Thanks for your comment. It was so fitting and helped to really get to the hard of what I was trying to say here.

[Mark]

Outstanding post and excellent tips in regards to happiness and pain. Pain is part of the birthing process, part of change. The chick breaks the egg open because the shell can no longer contain the chick, it must be painful for the chick. The seed opens as the sprouts grow, again must be painful. There will be pain and there will be a new birth many times along our journey.

[positively present]

Mark - Thank you for your great comment! The example of the chick and the egg is spot on. I love it! We have to feel pain in order to learn and grow. Without it, life would be static and boring.

[Stephen Mills]

Love it Dani!

The way I look at it is that you can do all those things and have the dull constant background pain or you can rip the bandaid off and get it over with. By facing, accepting, experiencing, and then letting it go, it is gone. Otherwise it just hangs around in a duller form. Also all those unresolved pains accumulate into a great big constant pain in the head. Besides, when you experience pain fully, the joy is more beautiful by contrast.

[John]

Great insight Dani! Just today I was waiting for a package that never came. I had been waiting three weeks for this package. I tried to allay my supreme irritation towards this matter by listening to music and watching tv. I was basically distracting myself. But this just made me angrier and amplified the pain to levels unimaginable. As you said, I resigned myself to facing the pain head on.

Dani, you've done it again (brought out the writer in me with your post):)

[Caity]

Thanks for commenting on my post over at The Bold Life today. It meant a lot.

This is such an awesome post. I can't tell you how much it would have helped me throughout the years (and probably will continue to help me). I'm notorious for shifting the blame and convincing myself that nothing is my fault for everything that is difficult in life. I also try and hide from it.

[Travis]

I think that in order to TRULY experience happiness, we HAVE to go through a degree of pain... if only to find out what exists on the other side.

I remember breaking up with my first very serious girlfriend and I was literally devastated. At the time it was the worst feeling I'd ever experienced, yet afterwards I realized just how strong a person I was. I realized that I didn't need somebody else to lean on to carry me through life, that everything I needed was already inside of me. Had I never gone through that painful experience I never would have discovered those truths.

As cliche as it may sound, the Marines have a saying "Pain is weakness leaving the body." and I believe in that wholeheartedly. Not just physical pain, but emotional pain too. The more you endure, the stronger you come out on the other side.

[positively present]

Stephen - Thanks! :) I put a lot into it so I'm glad you loved it! I agree that it makes a lot of sense to accept the pain, deal with it, and move forward in life. I also love what you said here: "when you experience pain fully, the joy is more beautiful by contrast." That's so true.

John - Thank you! Thank you for sharing your experience. Pain comes in all forms and frustration and anger is one of the worst. The best thing you can do is face it head on and from there you can move forward. I'm so glad I brought out the writer in you. That makes me happy!

Caity - Thank you for commenting over here on PP! It was great to be introduced to your blog today via The Bold Life. I could have definitely used this post for the past 25 years of my life, but I'm glad I'm starting to learn it now. Better late than never! Just writing it helped me to understand it more and I hope it helps others too.

[Diggy - Upgradereality.com]

Heya Dani!!

Ooh, I like this post:) Very very nice!

I thought about this for a bit, but i don't think it would be healthy to experience only happiness and good without some bad and unhappiness.

Unhappiness does not mean negativity, keep a smile on that dial:)

Diggy!!
Upgradereality.com

[sara]

that's SO true!
unfortunately I've understand this only recently, but in this way things are really better..

not that I'm always happy, but it's easier to let the bad feelings slip away after giving vent to them, and then trying to resolve the situation that caused them

(sorry for bad english) :)

[positively present]

Travis - Thank you for sharing your experience as it relates to this post. Break-ups can be absolutely terrible, but we do learn from them and they make us so much stronger (cliche as that might sound, it's true!). I've never heard that Marines quote but I love it! I'm definitely going to think about that when I'm experiencing pain.

Diggy - Thanks for your comment. You've made a GREAT point. Unhappiness does not mean negativity. I think that I automatically link the two and that's not always the case. I'm going to keep that in mind -- as well as the idea that we need both happiness and unhappiness in our lives.

Sara - I'm in the same place you are. It's not that I'm always happy but the more that I've learned to deal with situations, vent about them and feel them truly, the more I'm able to let go. (Bad english forgiven ;))

[Hilary]

Hi Dani .. being older makes you wiser I think .. I've had terrible times recently re my Mum .. lack of support from anyone .. fortunately I just get on with it .. and have learnt that I can't let it affect me - yes it does .. but I try and get on with things .. work another way round .. and believe in myself.

There are areas I need to improve - I need to learn to forgive and forget, when I haven't had the support .. that's tricky and is the next step ..

You do write about things so well .. wish I was as wise when I was younger .. never mind .. just do my best now?!

All the best Hilary Melton-Butcher
Positive Letters Inspirational Stories

[Karen Chaffee]

Hello Dani...another insightful post!

Like you, I used to try to avoid pain, but even then, I knew it was still there, lurking, waiting to resurface. I have learned that the best way to "wrestle the demons" is to face them head on so that you will be freer to move on.

Karen

[Kaushik]

Excellent post, Dani.

In my experience, it's been best to face up to, accept, and fully allow the pain or negativity. Then, it's easy to let go.

It may be difficult to see that it's very easy to let go of negativity, and so there are specific techniques that can helps us release.

Fear does come up. We want to avoid the pain. But we never have to go beyond the edge of fear, and it doesn't take much practice before letting go becomes easy.

[positively present]

Hilary - I agree that we learn as we go. I might seem wise, but I'm still learning, still trying to figure it all out. I've gone through a lot in my life and I'm still working on sorting it all out. The great thing is that we can always learn -- no matter what age we are!

Karen - Thank you! :) I agree that it's definitely important to wrestle those demons if you want to move on from pain. It's tempting to avoid it at times, but it always resurfaces somehow!

[Srinivas Rao]

Great post as always Dani. You've taken dealing with something unpleasant and showed us how to face it head on, and showed the consequences of not facing it head on.

[positively present]

Kaushik - Thank you! And an excellent comment by you. We really have to learn to accept pain and to deal with it productively. Otherwise we're never able to really move foward.

Srinivas - Thanks! :) As you could probably gather from the post, I'd rather avoid unpleasant topics, but, as I explained above, that never really works out too well. Writing this post has helped me to deal with a lot of my own issues, which has been great!

[Ia]

Good post! I've been guilty of every single way to avoid unhappiness, but I've gotten a lot better at it now (numbers 3 & 4 I still have some trouble with). But it's true, the sooner and more honestly you deal with it, the better things can be. I heard this quote yesterday, but I can't remember who came up with it: "Pain is inevitable, suffering is a choice."

[Davina]

Like Tony Robbins says, People avoid pain and seek pleasure by default. That's not a direct quote BTW; my 2 cents. I've been practicing "Recognizing the value and facing the pain." If there are no buttons to push, there is no pain. So, when we do feel it, that means we have something to look at in ourselves. What is THAT button about? If I feel an instant emotional hook or "reaction" I stop and tune in to see what it is all about. If there is no hook there is nothing calling for attention.

[Dot]

I agree so much with Betsy amd Jay! I have losses to grieve that date back to 6 years old. I avoid the pain of new losses by saying, "Oh, great, add it to the list," and then trying to go on anyway. Someone once told me, "You always look sad." That's because either I can't cry about something for unknown reasons, or I don't want to have to cry more.

I have a collection of songs and movies that elicit tears ("cry songs" and "cry movies") to use on the first category. I don't know what to do about the second category, but I like your post about this.

[positively present]

Ia - GREAT quote: "Pain is inevitable; suffering is a choice." That's completely true and it's something I'm working to realize fully in my life. I've definitely been guilty of all of the above ways to avoid pain, but the more I just accept pain and move forward, they happier I am.

Davina - You've brought up a very good point. People want to avoid pain and that's understandable. However, I've found that certain types of pain are pretty unavoidable and they will just manifest them in different forms if we choose not to deal with them head on. Like you, I'm also trying to really tune in to what I'm feeling. When I have a reaction (good or bad), I try to think to myself, "What does that mean? What do I really feel right now? Why?" Asking myself these questions really helps me to understand myself and my world a lot better.

Dot - I'm glad you liked the post and found some the comments helpful as well (thanks Jay and Betsy!). It's not easy to deal with pain of any sort, but I do find that it's best to deal with it (even if that means crying or reacting to a situation) rather than to let it build up inside of us. One of the best pain/stress-relievers for me is going to therapy and having an unbiased third party to talk to about my life. It's a great outlet!

[Sami - Life, Laughs & Lemmings]

Oh man, I tried the mother of all pain avoidance techniques and left the country when I was going through divorce! There's nothing like moving overseas to distract you, blame from afar and deceive yourself. Couple that with a party scene second to none and I was able to effectively avoid all the pain for a good 12 months.

A visit from friends (ie from my old life I was escaping from) and a visit back home gave me a dose of reality which resulted in a meltdown. I finally dealt with all that pain and was able to really heal. A major lesson for me.

[J.D. Meier]

That's a beautiful meta-point and I agree. In fact, it's been said that some people are wired to be less happy, and they would be happier if they accept that. It's basically just re-setting expectations instead of constantly setting off your own trip-wires.

[Amanda Linehan]

Hi Dani - Oh wow...this was a good one. Blocking your feelings is never a good way to go because they have something to tell you. I find that when i can sit with my feelings, they send me a message. Particularly in painful feelings there is a lot of growth opportunity. This message needs to be shouted from the rooftops! ;)

[Syd]

Great post. I think that one of the most important things that I've learned in Al-Anon is to not deny or avoid the feelings. Instead, I let them flow through me and after a while, they will pass. Denial of my fear, anger, pity, etc. is about the worst thing that I can do. I remain grateful in many ways for all that I have been through with alcoholism in my life. Because without the pain, I wouldn't have gotten to where I am today.

[positively present]

Sami - Wow, you really did do the avoiding thing! But, as you saw, it never really works to go running from your problems. It's always best to face them and accept the pain. As you know, once you do that you can move on. And from reading your blog I know that you've moved forward and are a lot happier now!

J.D. - That's a great point. I think we're all wired differently and we have to learn to understand ourselves and set expectations for ourselves (rather than living by some imaginary standard). That doesn't mean that some people are destined to be unhappy, but it does mean that we should all consider what happiness means for us individually.

Amanda - Thanks! :) Great point about how your feelings have something to tell you. You're so right about that. We have to listen to our feelings because they are there for a reason and it's important to figure out what that reason is. I agree about shouting it from the rooftops! :) I suppose this is my way of doing that from an online rooftop. Haha.

Syd - Thank you! Denying or avoiding feelings NEVER works and that's something that I'm finally learning. As much as it hurts to deal with things sometimes, it's a lot more painful not to deal with them and have them build up inside. I have to say I'm also grateful for the pain I've experienced in my life. If I hadn't been through some of the things I've been through, I would NEVER be where I am today.

[Danielle]

Hi Dani, I just found this post (linked from http://www.beautyfool.net/) and not only do we share names, but I can relate to this post a whole lot! I had been wrestling with dealing with the painful aftermath of a sexual assault that happened 2 and a half years ago and once I realized that there was something wrong, then the pain would not go away no matter how I tried to bury it. It'd pop up in weird places at weird times and I'd be depressed for days. Having a loving support system helped, of course, but it wasn't until I confronted the problem head-on (the guy) that I realized that I couldn't get the closure I needed from HIM because he didn't think he was doing anything wrong! So the pain of holding out for an apology was no longer worth it, and I feel better because *I* made the leap to move on. It's not an easy thing and it took me 2 years to do it, but you're right, confronting it hurts at first, but helps a whole lot. It doesn't make the situation right, but at least I got the closure I needed. Sometimes you also have to realize that no matter what you do, it won't affect the situation, so acceptance can also help with the pain.

[positively present]

Danielle - Thank you for your comment! And what a great name you have! ;) I can 100% relate with what you're talking about in your comment. I agree that confronting unhappiness and pain -- especially in this kind of situation -- can be so, so difficult, but it does make it so much better in the long run. As you said, acceptance is also important and accepting the way you feel and the various aspects of the situation doesn't mean that you think the situation is good or right. It's not always easy to accept these types of things, but we're all entitled to our feelings and we have to experience them, learn from them, and move forward from them. I'm so glad you found Positively Present and that you took the time to share your experience here.

[someone somewhere]

I have some reasons to be unhappy, my family doubted depression, with all the beautiful things I enjoy in life... the doctors ruled that out, identified my reasons as original. They said that there is nothing anyone can do... no solutions... Yet, the reasons shall never go. Now I don't know what to do. I want to quit everything at times... but I have responsibilities, and I know its not a route I cannot pursue... seriously, I wish I was a heard heartened crude woman who never gets upset, and doesn't care for anyone. but with each day, its getting tougher..

[positively present]

Someone - You should definitely talk to another doctor or therapist. If you are unhappy, there is always something you can do about it. Sometimes it takes awhile to find out what the best solution is, but don't give up hope. There is always a path to happiness, hard as it might be to find at times.