the most important goals you'll ever set

 

[Note: This is a guest post. I'm honored to have Cath Duncan, author of the the blog, Mine Your Resources, as a guest blogger today. Check out her site. It's great!]


Goal-setting is a staple, favorite tool that’s talked about on just about every personal development blog, taught by most life coaches, and you’ll find it as a core practice taught within any leadership or business development program. Being clear on what you want in your life or work, and articulating it, focusing yourself on it, and committing yourself to making it a reality by writing it down and regularly reminding yourself of it is undoubtedly a powerful change tool.

In all of this talk and teaching about goal-setting, I’ve noticed that there are certain types of goals and changes that tend to be highlighted, while the really important stuff often gets left out. I’m sure most of you have seen films like The Secretwhere people talk about their at achieving their goals... like when John Assaraf bought his dream house, or Jack Canfield got his one million dollar cheque, or the “parking lot guy” gets a parking space close to the stores every time.

It feels like somewhere along the line, we’ve missed the point of it all, and even in the personal and spiritual development worlds, we’ve gotten sucked into the idea that having more stuff, nicer stuff or more expensive stuff is what will make us happy, and we’ve forgotten that we can be happy RIGHT NOW, regardless of what stuff we have.

I can see why so many people get sucked into writing long lists of “to have” goals, like little children writing a letter off to Santa, describing all the toys they want. We’re all affected by media and advertising’s relentless messages about what we need to have in order to be successful and happy. It’s easy to start believing it’s true that driving a particular car will make you successful and happy. And since most goal-setting programs will teach you that you need to set tangible, specific, measurable goals, this can also get us stuck in thinking only about the goals that are about having and doing, because they’re easier to describe in tangible, specific and measurable ways.... and then the most important goals, the goals that are about who we want to BE, fall by the wayside.

Three Types of Goals

All the goals you set fall into one of three categories:

1. “To have” goalsare about what you want to have. It’s the physical or material stuff that can easily be tangibly described and measured. “To have” goals are easy to spot because they have nouns or pronouns in them. For example, “I want to have an iPhone.”
   
   
2. “To do” goals are about what you want to do. They’re about experiences you want to have, tasks you want to complete, and skills you want to develop. “To do” goals are easy to spot because they have verbs in them. For example, “I want to travel to India/I want to learn to ride a motorcycle.”
   
   
3. “To be” goals are about who you want to be being. They’re usually personality characteristics, attitudes and personal qualities you want to develop or express more freely. “To be” goals are easy to spot because they have adjectives in them. For example, “I want to be generous/I want to be open-hearted/I want to be fun.”

The Importance of "To Be" Goals

What so many people don’t realise when they’re setting their “to have” and “to do” goals, is that there’s only one reason why they don’t have or do those things yet...they’re not BEING the person who would have or do those things. In order to change your results, you’ll need to change who you’re being, and how you’re thinking, so you’ll be much more likely to get your “to have” goals if you focus on your “to be” goals first.

The other side of this is that, we only ever want that material stuff because of how we think it’ll make us feel. And if you focus on your “to be” goals, you can have all the feelings you want RIGHT NOW, even before you’ve gotten the stuff you’ve been wanting to have. “To be” goals are what makes life worth living right now, and what makes the process of getting to your other goals, and enjoying having achieved your “to do” and “to have” goals that much more pleasurable. 

How To Set "To Be" Goals

Most people find it really easy to list the things they want to have or do in their lifetime, but when it comes to who they want to BE, they get a little stopped up. Here are some tips for setting “to be” goals:

• Make a list of qualities you’d love to be able to honestly describe yourself with. Just brainstorm it, and don’t criticize anything you write down.
  
  
• Think of people you love, admire, or who’ve had a big impact on your life. What adjectives would you use to describe them? Are there any of those adjectives that you’d love to include in your “to be” goals?
  
  
• Think of the positive feedback you’ve gotten from other people, and write some of your favorite comments down. What adjectives have people used to describe you, which you really liked?
  
  
• Look at the lists you’ve written and choose 5 to 8 adjectives that best describe the person you want to be more of, which you’d like to use in your “to be” goals.
  
  
• It can be very powerful to phrase your “to be” goals as affirmations, by writing them in the present tense. For example, “I am generous, open-hearted and fun.”

How To Focus on "To Be" Goals

As with any goals, “to be” goals will have the greatest impact on your life if you keep them in your focus. Anything you can do to remind yourself of your “to be” goals, and to get more familiar with the experience of having your “to be” goals will work, including writing them down, sending yourself email reminders, collecting quotes that relate to your “to be” goals, daily journalling to reflect on your progress with regards your “to be” goals, accountability or coaching conversations about your “to be” goals, and much, much more. Here are two things I like to do that are both relaxing and fun, and work very well to keep you focused on your “to be” goals:

1. Create a clear visualisation of yourself, being the way you want to be. Start with relaxing yourself with some deep breathing, some body relaxation exercises or some gentle music. Then ask yourself, “Who would I be with those qualities?” Notice what’s different about the way you’d talk, the way you’d hold your posture, the way you’d interact with other people, what you’d be saying to yourself in your head. Relax into it and just let your imagination wander as you tour through different areas of your life and notice the difference that your being those qualities makes in different areas of your life. Be sure to do this visualisation as though you’re experiencing each area of your life right now, through your own eyes (rather than watching yourself in your life, from a distance). The more you experience what it’s like to be more of the person you want to be, the more familiar you’ll get with being that way, and the more easily you’ll make those changes.
   
   
2. Create a “to be” vision board. This is much like a standard vision board, but rather than filling your vision board with pictures of big mansions and fast sports cars, a “to be” vision board has pictures that represent your “to be” goals. I suggest that you don’t look in magazines for your pictures - google on the internet instead. Magazines will suck you back into  the “I need stuff” mentality. Think of metaphors that describe the qualities you want to be more of. Perhaps pictures of mountains and large, sturdy old trees might represent self-assurance, steadfastness and faith for you. Or perhaps you want to represent the quality of openness with an open flower that’s willing to be vulnerable, and knows that opening up is the only way to let others appreciate it’s full beauty. Add poetry or quotes that represent the way you want to be. Add pictures of some of the people who you feel epitomise those qualities that you want to develop in yourself.

Cath wishes you all the best in being more of the person you want to be! Through her Bottom-line Bookclub,“Resource Miner,” Cath Duncan offers accelerated learning programs for professionals who want to develop the Agile Living Strategies for thriving in these turbulent times. You can follow Cath’s blog at www.mineyourresources.com and on Twitter she’s @cathduncan.

Comments

[Hilary]

Hi Dani and Cath .. that is a great post - pulling us back on track .. we all focus on that first car, a nicer house etc .. and to actually sit and work out who we want to be - wherever we are we can just be. I love the idea of the vision board .. trees for strength, flowers for openness (some vulnerability), rivers for free thought, the sky is our world our frankness ..

Really good - thank you so much ..
Hilary Melton-Butcher
Positive Letters Inspirational stories

[Dot]

Hi Dani and Cath,

I love the idea of "to be" goals. I think that helps explain why I've never had any strong career ambitions -- because I was busy working on who I wanted to be as a human being, not as a career.

[positively present]

Hilary - Thanks for the comment! I also love the idea of a vision board. I started one awhile ago, but it's not lodged somewhere in the back of my closet. I'll be moving in a few weeks and I need to take it out and get back to work on it. It's such a great, uplifting idea!

[Srinivas rao]

Excellent guest post. I think you really nailed something about goal setting that most people don't really consider and you didn't in a really concise manner. People always seems obsessed with accumulating things when they start personal development, but rarely seem to focus on who they are being This will definitely be going in my archives :)

[positively present]

Dot - Isn't the idea of "to be" goals great? I was so excited when I read about this topic on Cath's site and I was so happy when she agreed to write a post about it for me. I've spent so much time focusing on what I want to have/do and not nearly enough time on what I want to be. Now that I'm working on my "to be" goals, I feel like I'm making more progress than ever!

Srivinas - I agree that Cath addresses something here that most people don't think about because they are so caught up in worrying about what they want to have and do. I'm so glad you enjoyed the guest post! I thought it was a pretty great one! :)

[Ia]

This is a great post! I really love to think about this sort of thing- but I haven't really put it into too much practice. This was an excellent reminder of my ultimate goals, and definately makes me feel like making my lists all over again and really working at them. Another great way, in my opinion, to remind yourself of who you want to be is to keep your birthday/holiday cards. I do this, and I look through them and see all the pleasant things my most important people have written about me/to me. I actually just did a collage of some of my holiday cards, and I plan to put the birthday cards in book form.

[Sami - Life, Laughs & Lemmings]

I was introduced to this concept a few years ago via the Be, Do, Have model (ie be the person you need to be to do the things you need to do to have the things you want to have). I have to admit, I'd forgotten about the "be" side of things. Thanks for the reminder Cath!

[suzen]

Great post! I love this - also I have been meaning to re-do my vision board, it needs an up-date since everything evolves, that needs to too! Thanks for the inspiration!

[positively present]

Ia - I agree with you. This post was a great reminder for me about what I really want to focus on in life -- my "to be" goals. I feel they often get lost among all of my "to do" and "to have" goals. I love your idea about the holiday cards. Seeing as it's my birthday this weekend, this is a great idea for me to focus on because I can take a look at all of the great things my friends/family have to say about me. I've already gotten two great cards this year and I have tons saved from the past that I could go through for inspiration. Really great idea!

Sami - That's great that you've read about this concept elsewhere. It's such an important topic and I'm so glad that Cath agreed to write about it here. It's a great reminder and lesson for us all!

Suzen - Like you, I definitely need to work on my vision board. I know once I move I'll be able to set up and entire area in my new place for a vision board -- maybe even a vision wall! :)

[Barbara Swafford]

Hi Dani and Cath,

I like the idea of "to be" goals. When I was in college one of our assignments was to write our obituary. It was by writing one we all had to think about how we wanted to be remembered. That assignment was a real eye opener as it made us think about how we were living, and if we were living in a manner that was in line with how we wanted others to remember us.

[Diggy - Upgradereality.com]

Wowwee:)
Really great post, I love how it is all set out so clearly!

The hard part about goal setting and having the discipline to execute your goal plan is the fact that I'd like to have someone to do it for me or with me, but realising that I am the only one responsible for fixing my own problems, and realising that nobody is going to do it for me, that is the key.

I have to take responsibility for MY own life, but the good side of that is that it IS my life, and it's mine to enjoy:)

Keep Well!
Diggy

[positively present]

Barbara - Me too and I'm really glad Cath wrote about these here because they are definitely something I need to focus on more than I do. That's such an interesting idea, writing our own obituaries. It's a great exercise in thinking about what we want in our lives (and I bet you we'll realize pretty quickly that it's not just "stuff"). I'm gonna try it out because I think that's an excellent way to keep our lives in perspective!

Diggy - I agree! Cath did a great job on this post and laid it out so well. As you noted, it's important to recognize that we are responsible for our goals and that no one can be you for you. We have to take responsibility for what we want to be -- which is exciting AND scary -- but, as you said, we each have our own lives and we can do whatever we want with them!

[jonathanfigaro]

Goals are personal blueprints to ones future. The future is built on goals which steer one into the light. If you choose to be successful within your life time , then 1 things is clear. Goals are necessary for achievement. Keep a daily to do list of all the things that will create positive momentum and significant changes within your life for the future. Focus on the present moment, while working towards your goals Today.

Keep your mind off of anger, hate, gossip and all destructive mental thoughts which stagnate the mind. Consume your mind with being the person that will be chizzled out of your continuous goal achievement!
- Peace/Love?/Truth!

[CathD]

So glad you all enjoyed this post :)

Hillary: I love your metaphors for your vision board - have fun making it!

Dot: I love this line of your's... "I was busy working on who I wanted to be as a human being, not as a career."

Srinivas: unfortunately even the world of personal development has slipped into yucky materialistic thinking ala "The Secret" and other popular personal development literature. And many people genuinely wanting to change their lives for the better get sucked into that vibe and then feel really disappointed when it doesn't "work" and they still feel crappy :(

la: love your card idea!

Sami: it's so easy to forget about "being" and focus on doing and having, because the media and society are reminding us that we "should" be doing and having this that and the other, all the time. But there are few reminders to consider who we're being. So spread the word :)

Suzen: have fun evolving your vision board!

Barbara: I love that exercise - sure give you perspective. Another great one is to imagine yourself at 80yrs, and go and be your 80yr old self, look back on your life, as it'll be if you follow your current trajectory (ie. if you make no major changes), and notice what you feel about yourself, and what you regret/ wish you'd changed. It's almost always the "to be" stuff that people say they would change - never the stuff about career/ bugger house/ posh car and all that nonsense!

Diggy: Spot on... it's up to you, mate... including the part about being who you want to be and feeling the way you want to feel - that's up to you. Actually, the easiest goals to achieve are our "to be" goals, because they relate to things that we have complete control over (our own thoughts, feelings and behaviour), where are the to do and to have goals usually involve elements we don't have full control over (like other people's behaviour).

Dani: Thanks so much for the opportunity to post on your blog. And what a great community you have here... thanks for all the love :)

[positively present]

Jonathan - Great comment about the purpose of goals. I also really enjoyed reading what you had to say about keeping negativity from your life. When you have anger/hate/etc. in your heart, you are so easily distracted from your goals and from what's truly important in life.

Cath - Thank you so much for writing this post and for taking the time to respond to the comments. Both the post and your replies to comments were fantastic. Thank you!!

[Valeska]

This is a great post and timely for me. I have been concentrating a lot on the 'have' and 'do' goals and not really on the 'be' goals lately. I have come a long way on my perception of myself, but this is a great way to get to where you want to be to have and do all the other stuff. Thanks for the suggestions.

[positively present]

Valeska - I agree -- it's a great post and it was definitely something I needed to read about right now as I'm reflecting back on the year and looking forward to a new one. I think Cath brings up some excellent points in this post and I'm so glad she agreed to guest post on Positively Present! We can all learn a lot from her wisdom.

[Faizal]

You did a great job of breaking goals up into categories. It's much easier to understand this way. I read your other posts as well. Keep up the good work.

[positively present]

Faizal - I'm so glad you liked this guest post! I think Cath did a great job of breaking up the various types of goals and highlighting the most important ones. I'm glad you've enjoyed other posts as well. Thanks for reading! :)