7 secrets for a happier you

 

"Happiness is far more than a mood or an emotion; it's it a way of being,
a way of knowing what's right and good, and living true to that."

 

 

The quote above comes from the fantastic book, What Happy Women Know, which I just finished reading this weekend. (There is also What Happy People Knowfor you guys out there, though I think everyone could benefit from the version I read). I would highly recommend reading the book since there are countless insights throughout its many pages, but today I'm going to take some of my favorite lines from the book and talk about them. While reading the book, I realized that a lot of the topics brought to light in the the text were secrets to happiness. I thought to myself, "If people knew about and listened to these ideas, they'd be a lot happier." Here are 7 secrets I uncovered from the book, as well as my advice on how to make these happiness secrets work for you...

1. Move beyond your comfort zone.

"We'll make plenty of mistakes if we venture beyond our comfort zone,
but that means we are calling on ourselves to grow and become more dynamic...
Life, and everything that happens in the context of life, is an experiment." 

It's hard sometimes not to get stuck in a comfort rut. Most people like comfort and consistency in their lives, but I find that doing the same thing over and over again, as many of us, doesn't always bring about happiness. Often we're scared and we don't want to try new things or put an end to things we're used to, but if we live our lives in fear, certain that we'll make mistakes (and certain that these mistakes will be bad for us), we'll get stuck in a life that we're not in control of. We need to, as the quote above says, grow and become dynamic. We need to experiment and experience life. So, go on, get out there and make some mistakes. Break out of your comfort rut and you'll definitely find some new and exciting ways to stimulate your happiness.

 

2. Appreciate what you have (not what you don't).

"Appreciate and focus on what you have
and don't lament on what you don't have." 

This seems easy enough to do, but think of all the times you've thought about what someone else has and wanted it. Think about all of the times you've been envious or jealous. Think of all the times you've been sure you life would be better if you had this or did that. We all do it (don't feel bad!) but it's not healthy and it certainly doesn't make us happier. What does make us happier is focusing on the things we have and the things that are awesome in our lives. C'mon, you know there are so many things you can appreciate. Keep a gratitude journal if you must, but find a way to appreciate the things you have and you'll be embracing one of the key secrets of happy people everywhere.

 

3. Learn to say, "No!"

"No is the most powerful word in the English language.
Saying no is a potential lifesaver. It's about respecting yourself--
your needs, your values, your time, and your energy." 

Can saying no really make you happier? You bet! When you say no, you're taking control and you're asserting power over your own life. Of course, you can't always say no; sometimes you will have to do things you don't really want to do. But, more often than not, if you don't want to do something, say no. And, even more important, if something or someone is taking away from your self-respect or your values, you have every right to say no. It's your life and you should be living it to the the fullest, surrounding yourself with things and people that bring you happiness. If something isn't adding value to your life in a positive way, just say no!

4. Don't sacrifice yourself to please others.

"Happiness is not found in pleasing others at the expense of self...
Happiness comes with you what pleases you for the sake of pleasing yourself." 

A lot of people (women, especially) put the needs of others before their own. They thing that making other people happy will make them happy and often that's not the case. It's wonderful to please other people, but only if it pleases you too. There's never a good reason to sacrifice yourself for the sake of others. That's not saying that you shouldn't make compromises (after all, they're pretty necessary in any good relationship or friendship), but you shouldn't be making huge sacrifices (especially in terms of respect, beliefs, or values) in order to make other people happy. If you are giving up part of yourself to make others happy, stop. Life's too short to be living it for other people.

5. Have a good attitude about life.

"Attitude is hugely important in determining t
he subjective quality of life because it influences
how you interpret the events around you." 

I really believe that attitude is everything. As someone who has  had (and still sometimes has) a very bad attitude in life, I know first hand that attitude makes ALL the difference in the world. If you have a bad outlook, everything around you seems bad. If you have a good outlook, however, everything seems good. It's completely up to you to choose the outlook you have. You may not be able to control everything in your life (or even most things), but one thing you have complete control over is your attitude. Want to be happy? Have a happy attitude. It's just that simple!

6. Do what makes you feel good.

"You have to do the things that make you feel good,
by yourself and for yourself." 

I say this often, but I say it because it's so, so important: do what you love. When you're doing what you love to do, you're going to be happier. We all have different talents and skills and it's important that we make the most of them, not only for ourselves, but for the world. There's a reason you're good at what you're good at. You have a purpose and when you're not fulfilling that purpose, you're not living your life to the fullest. You have the power to choose what you do in life and you can choose to do what you love. Sometimes the way to do this isn't always obvious. Sometimes you have to be creative. But I know if you work hard to find a way to do what you love, every day will be like a vacation. You'll be content, fulfilled, and, of course, happier.

7. Refuse to limit yourself.

"We are only limited by how much we limit ourselves." 

One thing that definitely puts a HUGE damper on happiness is limiting yourself. I used to do this all the time, telling myself that I was just destined to be a negative person. In telling myself that I was born to be an unhappy person, I was limiting myself. I believe that's all I could be, so that's what I was. It wasn't until I opened my eyes and realized that it was me who was creating this limitation that things began to change for me. We have the power to control our thoughts and emotions and outlooks. We can put up thick walls and limit ourselves or we can open doors and breathe in the fresh air of new possibilities. Unfortunately it can be easier sometimes to set limits, but it's never a good way to bring happiness into your life. Life is filled with opportunities and you'll miss them if you limit yourself in any way.

 

These are only a few of the great topics brought up in What Happy Women Know. If you haven't already read the book (or one in the series), you should definitely pick up a copy to learn more about happiness and how you can cultivate it within yourself. As I'm sure you know, happiness is a choice, but it's not always an easy one. Sometimes it helps to have some secret weapons to tackle the potential unhappiness in your life, and this book is filled with great secrets on how to create a life in which your internal happiness can flourish. I've expanded a little bit one the quotes and added my own thoughts, but now I want to hear yours...

What do you think of these happiness secrets? Think they will bring more happiness to you?
Do you have any happiness secrets you'd like to share here?

Comments

[meatlessmama]

Appreciating what you have is one of the most powerful things you can do. Years ago,when my son was diagnosed with cancer, at first I was jealous of all the people with healthy kids. Then I realized how lucky I was to have this special boy. Happiness is a choice, it's all in how you choose to deal with things you can't control.

[Hilda]

All great lessons Dani. The two that particularly stand out for me are attitude and gratitude. As one who used to have a very different attitude in life, I have to say that once you shift that into a positive perspective, the willingness to apply all the rest then falls into place.

And as for gratitude, it's impossible to appreciate all the good that exists in your life and feel bad. Counting your blessings is truly an amazing mood-shifter.

[Karlil]

Thank you for the post Dani. I'm a firm believer that happiness cannot be found, it is made, and your article has further reaffirm my belief. You have a great day.

[Dayne]

All of these are GREAT tips for being a happier person. My favorites are...

*Appreciate what you have.
*Do what feels good
*Moving beyond the comfort zone.

I couldn't agree more. In fact, if someone were to just focus on ONE of your key points whole-heartedly, their life would transform.

Thanks again Dani! :)

Dayne
http://www.TheHappySelf.com

[Vincent]

Hi Dani,

Sometimes we always want something else so that we think we will be happier. This is the sure way to become miserable. Being grateful for what we have in the present does help us to feel much more happier.

Cheers,
Vincent

[Lance]

Hi Dani,
These are great lessons for everyone. The one that is hardest for me is probably #3 (Saying No). I really need to work on this one, because when I get to what feels like overbooked, happiness goes down. Love the reminders here!

[green ink]

You are my guru Dani :D

These are all fabulous tips for being happier.

I think Meatlessmama made a great point in her comment - that it all comes down to how we react to things we can't control. That has certainly been a big determinant of my happiness levels. Doing things that make me feel great (#6) is also a huge mood booster.

One thing I've learned about happiness over the past few years was summed up very well in one of your choices for Positively Happy Quotes that you did about a month ago - "Happiness is the result of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it....you have to participate relentlessly." - Elizabeth Gilbert

I sometimes wonder where I might be now had I not decided to make my happiness a priority in life - I'd probably still be stuck in the same life that was making me miserable, which really isn't worth thinking about!

Love your work as always - happy Monday :D xx

[positively present]

MeatlessMama - Thanks for sharing your personal story with us! I agree that appreciating what you have is something most of us could do a lot more of. Happiness is definitely a choice and choosing it can make even the most terrible situations a little bit better.

Hilda - Attitude and gratitude are both SO important! I definitely believe that my attitude shift has helped me so much over the past few months and changing my attitude has also helped me to become more grateful.

Karlil - You're welcome! Thank you for your comment. Happiness has to be made within us and by doing all of the things listed above we can increase our internal happiness.

Dayne - I thought they were pretty good... and there are even more great ideas in the book! I agree that even focusing on one of these could make a huge difference in someone's life. Great point!

Vincent - I agree that it's tempting to think that having something else or being somewhere else will make us happier, but it's never the case. The best way to be happy is to accept the present and look for the positive in it.

Lance - A lot of people have trouble saying no (I'm not one of them, haha... I usually say no!) and it can cause many problems because you end up doing things you don't really want to do. On the flip side, I rarely do anything that I don't want to do which means I'm not all that good at compromising.

[Srinivas Rao]

Dani,

This a great post. It sounds like this book is definitely something i'm going to have to read. There's no doubt that we should move beyond your comfort zone. I think most of our limitations are self imposed, and change is something we resist. I used to never be able to say no in so many areas of my life and looking back, that made me really miserable. I think even though it is one of the hardest things to do, it's one of the most important.

[Peggy (aka Tool Box Girl)]

Having the wisdom to know that happiness comes from within...it does not come from without. No one can give you happiness. No thing can give you happiness. Not your lover, not your house, not your car, not your diamond ring. Happiness comes when you connect your mind, body, and spirit to your heart's center. It's forever yours and it's always there. No on can give it to you and no one can take it away.

I dare you to peel away your layers of old programming and dive into your heart's center!

One...two...three...JUMP!

[positively present]

Green Ink - Aww, that made me smile! :) I'm happy to be a guru. I agree that Meatless Mama made a great point about that. We cannot control a lot of things in life but we can control our outlook and attitudes towards things. I agree that, like Berg says, you really have to work at happiness (and for some it requires more work than others). If I hadn't made the choice to make happiness in my life, I don't know where I'd be... Probably drunk and sad somewhere... Life is what you make it (cliche as that sounds!) so make it happy! :) Love your comments... Thanks so much for them!

Srinivas - Thanks! The book is awesome and you should definitely get a copy of it if you can. Saying no is something most people really need to work on. I think most people want so much to be liked that they don't want to hurt others feelings or risk being turned down in the future so they say yes more often than they should -- usually with negative results. If people learn to say no, move beyond their comfort zones, and stop resisting change, they will be a lot happier!

Peggy - I'm ready to JUMP into my heart's center! :) I love that imagery... beautiful! Knowing that happiness comes from within really does change everything about life... Now that I recognize that, I cannot blame unhappiness on external factors. I have to look at myself when I feel unhappy and that's a HUGE change in my life. Great comment. Thanks!

[Gilbert Ross]

"You have the power to choose what you do in life and you can choose to do what you love" - Really powerful words Dani!

Great post!....keep up the good work :)

[Laurie]

Looks like I've another book to add to my list! Thanks for sharing it.

Here's one of my favourite quotes on happiness, "I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances." ~ Martha Washington

[positively present]

Gilbert - Thank you! :) I'm so glad you liked the post and you picked a great point to highlight. We all have the power to choose!

Laurie - Absolutely. You should definitely read it. It was great and I learned so much from it (about myself AND about life). That's a really great quote and I completely agree with Martha. Thanks for sharing it here!

[Sami - Life, Laughs & Lemmings]

Love the "appreciate what you have". That really works for me, although, I think ALL of these points are great ones. Thanks PP!

[Ia]

Thank you for this post, Dani! I definitely agree with all of these secrets. It's so important to do these things, and it takes a bit of conscious effort to remember. I'd like to add that if you want to accomplish anything, you must work hard and let go of fear. You have to put yourself out there, and show the world what you do in order for the opportunities to find you. I'm still struggling with limiting myself, and with conquering my fears - but I'm getting better everyday. :)

[Jeanne]

Hi, Dani --- WOW. What great 'right-at-the-heart-of-it-all' pointers you've shared here. I love the notion of our comfort zone becoming a 'rut' if we're not careful, and the empowerment we get when we launch ourselves out of our comfort zone. How alive we feel when we do that!

If anyone were to ask me today what I'm most grateful for, I'd have to say 'I'm most grateful for Dani and all the other twenty-somethings that have become SO wise SO early in life!' This world is a-changing, and for the better, because of the likes of you, Dani -- so thank you!

[Adam Husain]

Your page is very impressive! I enjoy stopping by to see what your blogs have to say! Thank You!

[Stephen - Rat Race Trap]

Hi Dani! I loved this post.

"Move beyond your comfort zone." - I think this is a personality thing. Some people actually are happy staying inside their zone. However, I agree that most people will live a far richer life if the dance outside the zone. To some it's terror and it makes them miserable to try.

"Don't sacrifice yourself to please others." - I couldn't agree with this more, although I disagree that it is especially women. Almost every guy I know is not doing things they want to do and think that would make them happy to please their partner. But other than the sex think this is the biggest mistake people make.

These are great and I'm tweeting the article now!

[Amanda Linehan]

Hi Dani - I really like what you have here in this post. Specifically, I love #1. I'm always surprised at how good I feel after I've done something that I'm afraid of. I guess growth feels good :)

[Walter]

I confirm the last part. We have to refuse to limit our self. We can't progress if we keep on thinking of our limitations. I believe we are more capable than we think of. We can do wonders if we put our mind into it. :-)

[Mark]

Sounds like a good book! Great advice, thanks for sharing what you picked up from this book.

[Jan]

Dani,
Wonderful post! I will have to check out this book. The one I have "growing edges" around is no. 4. As I get older, it gets easier, but as a woman I wonder if it is inherent in our nature to sacrifice and put others ahead of ourselves. Perhaps nearly primordial, ensuring the continuation of the species. :-) Compassion for self helps with this one...Blessings!

[positively present]

Sami - I agree that appreciating what you have is so important -- and so hard for some of us to do sometimes. Glad you liked the points!

Ia - It definitely takes effort to remember to do these things sometimes, but it's so worth that extra effort. I agree about working hard and letting go of fear. Those are very important points and I'm glad you brought them up!

Jeanne - So glad you liked this post! :) Thank so much for the kind words of gratitude... As we all know, life can be tough at times and I'm glad I have this great blogging community to bounce my ideas off of. Thanks for commenting!

Adam - Thanks so much! :) Thank you for coming by and for commenting.

Stephen - Thanks so much for tweeting the article! It looks like a lot of people RTed after you which was awesome. I agree with your comment about the comfort zone relating to a personality trait. I think plenty of people are very comfortable staying in their zones, but what would their lives be like if they didn't? ... You're right about the people-pleasing thing; there are plenty of guys out there living lives to make their partners happy, which isn't good at all. People should make others happy by living lives that encourage their personal happiness.

Amanda - Great point! Growth DOES feel good... It's amazing how good people feel when they try something new or do something that scares them. It's a great way to explore happiness.

Walter - Absolutely! Whenever we limit ourselves, we hold ourselves back and stop making progress. It's easier sometimes to set limits, but it's not productive. Cliche as it is, I love that old saying, "If you can dream it, you can do it!"

Mark - It was definitely a great book! You should check it out if you have a chance. There is a ton of great information in the book.

Jan - Thank you! I think a lot of women put others first... In the book, it explains why women do this and how they've been programmed to do this. It's not necessarily wrong, but it definitely puts a damper on personal happiness if you live your life for other people. I completely agree that compassion for self is critical in learning to live for you (instead of for others).

[Anita]

Great post and great advice!

[positively present]

Anita - Thank you! So glad you liked it!

[Mary007]

So true!! I'm going to write these and put them in places where I can read them everyday. Thanks for an inspirational post!

[Michelle @ Following Your Joy]

Hi Dani,

Great to "meet" you and thank you for this fantastic post!

As a Professional Coach for women, this is exactly what I work on with my clients--helping them to be more of who they are by embracing the things that make them feel "happy." In my own life, I notice that the more I am following the things in life that make me come alive and bring me joy...the more the magic unfolds for me! In fact, I found this concept to be so powerful that I recently created a blog called "Following Your Joy"!

Best wishes to you for continued success with your blog, and I look forward to staying connected. We certainly have some like-minded things goin' on!

Peace to you,
Michelle

[positively present]

Mary - So glad you liked these ideas to keep them in a handy place! You should check out the book... It's wonderful and I learned so much from it.

Michelle - Glad you found PP! Sounds like you're a great coach for women. Have you read the book mentioned in this post? I think it's a really great one for women (and anyone!) to read. I learned a lot from it and I'm sure your clients would as well. Looking forward to checking out your blog! :)

[Syd]

I believe that happiness comes from within. It isn't a commodity to be bought. I can't give happiness to another either. I've learned a lot about having a happy attitude through the 12 steps.

[positively present]

Syd - Happiness is definitely an internal choice. We can't find it outside of ourselves and we cannot give it to other people. I think the 12 steps are great for cultivating a happier, more positive outlook on life.

[J.D. Meier]

I think the key is to learn to say no with skill. Part of saying no, is saying yes, with criteria, "I can do this, if ... xyz."

[jonathanfigaro]

We should never limit ourselves to what we can do. All we have is our mind and our mind bring us happiness or Failure. Its about having a state of mind as close to euphoria as much as possible. Happiness is truly the only state of mind I want to attain.

[positively present]

J.D. Meier - Ah, GREAT point. It's important to say no, ubt it's also important to say no properly. There's a way to do it that doesn't isolate people.

Jonathan - I agree 100%! Sometimes it's hard not to have limits (especially mental ones), but they really don't benefit us in any way.