own your happiness

“Action may not always bring happiness,
but there is no happiness without action.” 
Benjamin Disraeli

 

[Note: Today I am moving and I'm lucky enough to have a guest blogger, Dayne from The Happy Self, to write a wonderful post for me so that I can focus on things like unpacking boxes and organizing all of my things in my new place. I was honored that Dayne wanted to do a guest post on my since since I absolutely love reading The Happy Self, a blog that features Dayne's musing about two of his passions: the pursuit of happiness and personal transformation. If you haven't checked out his site yet, you should. For a sneak peak at what you might find over at The Happy Self, read on...]

Do you often feel that your life is taken up by things that you “need to do” and “should do” and that you have no time for the things you want to do?  Adult life brings responsibility in many areas – job, children, parents, friends, pets, home.  It’s easy to let your day fill up with things you feel responsible for and to end up feeling that you’ve lost the freedom to make choices about your time.  The U.S. Declaration of Independence defines our inalienable rights as “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” but it’s hard to pursue happiness when you’ve lost control over your time.

Freedom and the Pursuit of Happiness

Do you long for the freedom to plan each day around your own goals?  This freedom is within your reach once you recognize you have a great deal of control over what you do with your life.  The key is to form a clear vision of your goals and values, and then base decisions about your time on this vision.  For each demand made on your time, decide if it fits with your vision.  You may not have control over the demands made upon you, but you do have the freedom to choose how you will respond.

What if you don’t have a vision for your life? 

Take some time to sit down and think about what makes you truly happy.  Are there hobbies that you’ve dropped because you don’t think you have time?  Are there talents that you’re not developing?  What are the things you’ve dreamed about doing at some point in your life?  These are all part of your life’s vision, along with values like religion, community, family and friendship.  It may take some time, but you should be able to develop a vision that will help you decide what you really want to do with your time. Of course this doesn’t mean that you can ditch friends and family when they need you.  It just means that you willingly give your time after deciding it’s in keeping with your life goals.  This makes it easier to say “no” to acquaintances who take your time without adding any value to your life.  By cutting out some of these demands, you’ll have more time for the pursuit of your own happiness.

On the job, use your vision of your goals and values to avoid being used by needy co-workers.  If you’re asked to help with a project that isn’t in alignment with your career goals, do your best to avoid it.  Spend time deciding which aspects of the job will help you achieve your goals and then focus on excelling in those areas. Once you recognize that the use of your time is something you can control, the world will open up to you.  You will do things not because you should, but because you want to.  A sense of fulfillment will come with the knowledge that your actions are in keeping with your vision of what you want your life to be.  

Finding Happiness in Times of Crisis 

Owning your happiness seems possible during stable phases in life, but in times of crisis the path to happiness can often seem closed.  A traumatic experience such as serious illness, injury or the death of a loved one can cause extreme emotional shock, with aftershocks continuing for months.  Some people can be severely affected by a tragedy or crisis without even knowing the victims directly.  Each individual responds differently to trauma, but eventually feelings of fear, sadness and helplessness may take control.  When your normal life is interrupted by trauma, your sense of security and safety may disappear.  You suddenly feel cut lose, adrift and separated from humanity.  You may experience a feeling of numbness, or you may find that your emotions have become extreme and out of control.  It may become difficult or impossible to relax and get a good night’s sleep. 

Some amount of depression is inevitable following traumatic events.  Concentration becomes difficult and things that once held our interest don’t seem to matter.  Everyday activities may seem pointless and interacting with others becomes difficult.  Many people experience physical aches and pains when they are under the stress of a crisis. A traumatic experience seems to close the door on the possibility of happiness, but in many cases the old saying that “time heals all wounds” is actually true.  Following a crisis or tragedy, we may feel that we will never feel good again.  With the passage of time and an open mind, feelings of sadness and depression can be overcome.   These are some coping strategies that can help to move the healing process along:

• Don’t deny your feelings. Recognize that they’re a reaction to events and are normal. In other words, own the feelings you have about the trauma in your life.
  
  
  
• Open yourself up to others. Talk to family and friends about your feelings and seek counseling if you continue to feel overwhelmed.
  
  
  
• Take one day and one challenge at a time. Dwelling on the past can slow the healing process. Since life goes on, set small goals for getting things accomplished each day.
  
  
  
• Take care of yourself. Make sure to get some exercise every day -- it’s a great way to escape from negative feelings. Focus on eating healthy food. If you need to be strong for others, it’s important to make sure that you’re not letting yourself get run down.

The ability to recover from a traumatic event and find happiness varies widely from person to person.  Studies have found that self-motivation is one of the most powerful factors in determining how an individual will respond to a crisis.  People who constantly compare their current situation to some happier time in the past will find it harder to get through a crisis which disrupts their life.  Those who have a clear vision of their goals and who begin forming plans for the future have more control over their happiness, even when tragedy enters their lives. As Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis said...

“The good, the bad, hardship, the joy, tragedy, love, and happiness are all interwoven into one single, indescribable whole that is called life. You cannot separate the good from the bad. And perhaps there is no need to do so, either.”

Comments

[Dayne]

Thank you again Dani for letting me have the opportunity to post an article on your wonderful blog. Good luck with the move today! :)

Cheers,

Dayne
http://www.TheHappySelf.com

[marci]

Great guest post! It flows right along with your overall blog theme perfectly. I think everyone handles trauma differently, either long and drawn out or short and to-the-point. But we have to remember what is hard for someone to overcome, might not be so hard for ourselves to overcome. That we are all different and have different challenges than anyone else.

[Hilda]

Great strategies Dayne! For me the way through, and out of, a crisis is to keep reminding myself that all things are temporary. "This too will pass".

And in recent years, I've also learned that there is an opportunity to learn and grow from the situation too, and being aware of that (even though I can't see what it is in the moment) also makes it easier to deal with.

[Megan "JoyGirl!" Bord]

Those are great tips for dealing with extreme stress or trauma. Not denying my feelings was something I only learned how to do in my late 20's and early 30's. I was taught as a child to deny feelings and maintain stoicism, which did NOT serve me when life threw some curve balls my way!

I also liked what you said about making time for happiness. I've been blessed to live the past nine months doing only what makes me happy and it's the best I've ever felt. So little stress, it's silly, and every day I wake up feeling grateful for whatever the day brings (because I know it will be good!). My brother, on the other hand, when I once asked him if he was happy said, "It's not my time to be happy. When I'm in my 50's, if I can look at my wife who will hopefully be sitting next to me, and we've raised our children and sent them off to good schools, then I can be happy. Now I have to focus on doing whatever's needed for all of them." That made me sad, but I know he lives his life differently than me and I had to accept it.

Great post on a great topic that's near and dear to my heart.

[Positively Present]

Dayne - Thank YOU for writing this great article. I really enjoyed reading it and I'm sure everyone else will as well. Thanks for wishes about the move. It's been a hectic day and having a guest post really helped me out so thank you!

Marci - Definitely! Dayne's post fits right in here at Positively Present. Great point about how we are all different and how we all deal with things differently. That's so true!

Hilda - "This too shall pass" is a great way to think about it because, no matter how hard something seems, the pain will eventually pass. Also, as you noted, we can grow from the pain we experience and it's always important to keep that in mind too.

Megan - I also had trouble with denying feelings, but I'm working on addressing them more now and realizing that it's okay to feel. I agree that Dayne made a great point about making time for happiness; many people forget to do this and suffer because of it. Reading what your brother said also made me sad... Life's too short to think you'll be happy someday, under specific conditions. The only time we have for certain is now and we should do our best to make the most of it. I'm glad that you are able to embrace happiness now. I hope someday your brother will learn from you and be able to do the same.

[Sami - Life, Laughs & Lemmings]

I went through the trauma of divorce. I didn't see it coming and had my heart totally broken. At the time I didn't see how I could possibly be happy again. Even so, I naturally started taking care of myself, taking one day at a time, owning my feelings and opening up to others. It was an incredibly transforming time for me.

I also found that getting angry got me back out in the world and focusing on a fresh start and the chance to create a life I love helped me get through the pain.

Even through the dark times, I forced myself to recognize what I did have to be grateful for and there was always something. I am now the happiest I've been and am grateful for the experience.

Thanks Dayne and happy moving Dani!

[Armen Shirvanian]

Hi Dani.

The point about opening yourself up to others is one that I was glad to read. People add in lots of help when you tell them what is on your mind, and then you feel better too. We don't have that information in ourselves, but someone else has it.

Exercising nearly every day prevents thousands of afflictions and sources of stress. Anyone who doesn't do this already will soon want to.

Thanks for this message. I will make a purchase of happiness so I can own it.

[Diggy - Upgradereality.com]

Heya Dayne!

Totally awesome post!
Happiness is such a touchy subject, and all we need to do is realize that WE are in control of our own happiness, not others or external events.

I got a really cool idea for a business project this morning, and Im eating japanese noodles as I read this post, and those two things alone made me happy. There is so much to do and so much that is possible!

Have a super cool weekend! (and you too Danni) :)

Cheers
Diggy

[Positively Present]

Sami - From reading your blogs/comments, I know how hard that divorce was for you. It sounds like it was really terrible, and for that reason I find you to be such an inspiration because you seem like such a happy, content person right now. It's great to know that you became that way by taking care of yourself and addressing your emotions (something I struggle with sometimes). You really inspire me and I'm glad to know that you're the happiest you've ever been! :)

Armen - Me too. I'm really glad Dayne brought that up in this guest post. It's so important to allow other people in and allow them to help you. I really need to work on that exercising because I really believe that it helps us in so many ways!

Diggy - Isn't this is a great one!? I'm so glad Dayne offered to do it for me. I completely believe we're in control of our own happiness and that others/external events cannot tell us when we can be happy. That's awesome about your business project... hope you'll be blogging about it soon! PS - Dani has one "n". ;)

[Stephen - Rat Race Trap]

"It’s easy to let your day fill up with things you feel responsible for and to end up feeling that you’ve lost the freedom to make choices about your time."

Yes! We let this happen and feel like we don't have any choice but we do. We've been conditioned to think this is the way it has to be and somehow it's just an effect of modern life. Wrong! You can set yourself free from commitments and choose from positive alternatives.

[Positively Present]

Stephen - Isn't that an excellent line? It's so true... we have been conditioned to think it has to be that way when really it doesn't. We can set ourselves free by choosing positive alternatives!

[steve [i dance for ten years right now]]

dayne, thank you so much for this. the ending especially is guiding for me. i'm in a bit of a rough spot right now. in a practical sense it's good to know that planning/working toward my future will help more than thinking of happy times past. this intuitively makes sense, but i hadn't really thought of it as a reason why i kept feeling so sad. thanks again

[Hilary]

Hi Dani .. good luck hope all is going well. Good to meet Dayne and to read his comments about owning your happiness especially in times of crisis = just me .. but I've made my plans for the future and know where I want to go - that takes a load of weight of my mind.

Go well with the clean start ..Hilary Melton-Butcher
Positive Letters Inspirational Stories

[Hayden Tompkins]

It is so good that you mention "taking care of yourself".

That is something that I have really begun to understand in the context of life and happiness. Taking time for ourselves is so so so important, otherwise we can feel stressed and over-obligated. (Something I HATE and which definitely does not add to my happiness.)

[Positively Present]

Steve - I echo your thanks to Dayne! This post was great and I really appreciate that he did wrote it for Positively Present. I'm glad Dayne's insights have helped you out.

Hilary - I agree that making plans for the future can really help us to feel more settled in the present moment and take some level of stress out of our lives.

Hayden - It's definitely great that Dayne brought up that point. It's something that's so important and that most people don't do enough of it. It really helps to make time to take care of yourself!

[Srinivas Rao]

Great guest post. I think that many of us have been going through times of crisis with the economic conditions and you offer some great ways to deal with it all. I think taking it one day a time is a good attitude. Too much focus on the past or future seems to be setting yourself up for disaster.

[Positively Present]

Srinivas - I agree that Dayne offered some great advice for dealing with difficult times in this post. Taking it one day at a time and not worrying too much about the past or future is excellent advice!

[J.D. Meier]

> People who constantly compare their current situation to some happier time in the past will find it harder to get through a crisis which disrupts their life.
That seems like a pretty crucial ah-ha and a key bit of wisdom.

[Positively Present]

J.D. - I agree! That's a crucial point and I'm so glad Dayne brought it up in this post! Thanks for highlighting it.

[Tess the bold life]

Dayne,
My husband lost his job 5 months ago. He began walking 5 miles each morning and picking up trash on his way. When he got home we meditated together. He is now purchasing a new business. I know his time taking care of himself helped with this decision. I also know he'll keep walking because he lost around 15 pounds. Yeah, Great Post!

[Positively Present]

Tess - Wow, good for your husband! That's amazing how he's turned a negative situation into a positive one. He's a great example of someone owning his own happiness. Thanks for sharing his situation with us... I was definitely inspired! :)