the 9 don'ts of dealing with anger

 

 

"For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Okay, I'm not probably not the best person to be writing this post, considering it was just yesterday in therapy that I started to deal with my own "anger issues," but, hey, I figure I can probably learn something from whatever ideas come to mind. After all, sometimes it's the person with the problem that gives the best advice (even if s/he doesn't always follow it...). So, I'll be the first to admit that sometimes I can be a bit...angry. I'm not the type to scream or cause a scene (usually -- I've had my moments), but I tend to let my anger come out in less productive (often passive-aggressive) ways, which, of course, is not at all healthy. The more I started thinking about this, the more I came up with things I need to stop doing in order to avoid getting to the point where I'm filled with anger. Quite often anger can be avoided if we just pay attention. You know, live in the moment.  

I know anger seems like a pretty negative topic and you're probably wondering why I'm writing about it on this site, but it's actually really important because how can you live a positive life when you're angry all the time? Up until yesterday's therapy session, I focused a lot on what made me sad, but I had never given much thought to the role anger played in my emotional life. Anger can be pretty closely linked with sadness and there are all kinds of anger: anger at yourself, anger at others, anger at a situation... Unfortunately I can think of a few examples for each of those categories right now so, in order to begin working on my anger issues, I'm going to create a list of things to avoid doing in order to avoid unnecessary anger. (Note: Anger does serve a purpose in certain situations and it's up to you to decide whether your anger is necessary or not. Also, it's up to you to figure out whether your anger is misdirected or not; this seems to be a major problem of mine that I'm planning on working through ASAP.)

 

Nine Don'ts of Dealing with Anger

• Don't take everything personally. This can be hard, especially if you're a sensitive person, but I've learned recently (after reading The Four Agreements) that you don't have to take everything personally and, in fact, it's a bad idea to do so. Usually if someone is doing/saying something it has a lot more to do with that person than it does to do with you, so take a step back and think to yourself, "Don't take it personally." 
  
  

• Don't discredit the way you feel. Anger, as I said above, can be a really important emotion. It's telling us something about the way we feel and I think that any time we discredit the way we feel bad things are going to happen. You have to address your feelings and assess them. Figure out what they mean and why they are feeling them. One of the worst things you can do when you're angry is say, "Oh, it's no big deal" because you know it is. 
  
  

• Don't avoid your emotions. Once you've given credit to your anger, don't avoid it. Sometimes I'll say to myself, "I'm angry" and then I push that emotion away because I don't want to deal with it. You know what? It always comes back in one form or another. It's not healthy to avoid any emotion, but avoiding anger can be really problematic when it crops up in some other area of your life.  
  
  

• Don't forget to take deep breaths. Breathing really helps me out when I'm feeling angry or upset, cliche as that might sound. When I'm in the heat of the moment of anger and I stop and listen to my body -- my accelerated heartbeat, my clenched jaw, my raised voice -- and take a few deep breaths, I feel a LOT better. Try it the next time you're feeling angry. After all, there's a reason it's a cliche. 
  
  

• Don't ignore what your body's saying. As I mentioned above, listening to your body is so important, but in this point I mean before you get angry or irritated. For me I know that lack of sleep, lack of food, lack of anything my body really needs can cause me to be more irritable than I normally would be. When I don't listen to my body and get to the point when I'm too tired/hungry/etc., my emotional state suffers. Pay attention to your body and do what you can to keep it in a happy state. 
  
  

• Don't always react immediately. For someone with little patience and the desire to resolve every conflict immediately, this is a hard don't to follow. I often find it very difficult to walk away from a situation and come back to it later. I want to fix it. Now. But, as I'm sure you know, this isn't always the best way to handle things. Often it's a lot better to come back to a situation later and deal with it once you've calmed down. Next time things get heated (in an angry way), take a time out and come back to it later. 
  
  

• Don't drag the situation out. I'm a big fan of letting things go. Of course this depends on the situation (some things should never be let go), but often we're in arguments or anger-fueled situations that really don't need to be dragged out. If you're stubborn, it can be hard to throw up your hands and just let it go, but dragging out an angry situation never makes it better. I say, do the best you can to handle it and then move forward.  
  
  

• Don't deny the pain you may cause. If you're acting out in anger, you may say/do things you wouldn't normally do. Often I'll write these things off, saying, "Oh, but I was so mad at the time!" Anger is not an excuse. Think about what you're saying and doing and consider the repercussions. In addition, think about the ripple effect. Do you have kids? Pets? Are there other people around during your angriest moments? You do impact other people when you are angry and sometimes thinking about this and recognize the pain you could cause will help you to calm yourself. 
  
  

• Don't underestimate a positive outlook. As you know, I'm a big fan of looking for the good in every situation. Try to do this the next time you're feeling angry. As hard as it might be to do, try asking yourself, "What's good about this situation? What could I be learning from this situation?" Take a step back from your anger (but don't avoid or ignore it!) and generate positive feelings.

 

Anger is something we all have to deal with at some point (unless you are the most mellow person in the world, in which case I can't say that I understand you at all). It happens. And it's okay. Anger is what it is and we often can't control what we feel. However, we can control how we react and what we do with our emotions. One thing I'm really going to work on is addressing my anger for what it is and working on figuring out where my anger is really coming from. Am I really that furious that someone cut me off in traffic? Probably not. The actions I take and the words I say when I'm feeling angry usually stem from something else, something deeper, and I'm going to work on figuring out what that is (and how I can fix it). For now, I think doing the things I listed above will really help me out, and I'd love to hear any suggestion you have on how to deal with anger. Feel free to share your experiences (or words of wisdom!) in the comments section.

Comments

[green ink]

Fabulous post as always!

I think my biggest problem with my anger issues has been feeling that it's "naughty" or "bad" to get angry and hence I can't express those feelings because people then get angry with ME for being angry. Which of course makes me angrier :P

Slowly my therapist and I have been working on this and I'm getting there! A big part of it is learning to own my feelings and not discredit them, as you say in your second and third points. Maybe I'm overreacting when I get angry but it's still the way I feel.

Third last point - very relevant to me too. Because I have problems expressing anger, I often hold on to the pain, to the point where two years after something happened that made me angry have gone by, and I'm STILL angry! It's so much better to be honest at the time, regardless of how awkward it might make things, and to deal with it and move on. Lesson WELL learned!

Hope you're having a great day Dani! xx

[Laurie]

This is a brilliant post with such great ideas. Thank you! :)

Once I started not taking things personally, the frequency of my angry feelings (or frustration / insult which caused the anger) dropped dramatically. It's something to work on and I still am but well worth the conscious effort.

Also, I'm on the look-out when I'm with someone who I can see is getting frustrated and it's about to turn into anger. There are times when I can help dissipate a situation so that they don't reach the screaming point. Not always, but sometimes we can help someone else not get angry by paying attention to their needs (in a healthy way!) and giving them a hand to relax a bit.

Thanks for the post - I really enjoyed it.

[Kylie]

Great post!

I'm definitely guilty of saying something is "no big deal" when I'm really seething. It's such an awful habit, because the issue then doesn't get resolved and I become even more frustrated!

[Srinivas Rao]

Awesome post. When I was younger my dad always used to tell me "whatever you do, don't make any decisions when you are angry. You will make the worst decisions of your life in anger."

[positively present]

Green Ink - Thank you! :) You brought up a great point about anger and how we often avoid it because we fear that people will be angry at us for getting angry. I think it's really important to express it though because if we don't it usually comes back (or gets held on to). So glad you liked this one!

Laurie - Thanks so much. It was really helpful for me to write this so I'm glad you found it useful as well. The whole not taking things personally thing really does work, doesn't it? And that's great that you're working on paying attention to the emotions of others. I think that's a great way to stop angry situations from happening.

Kylie - Thanks! Saying "no big deal" is definitely a bad habit and something I do more often than I should. (I'm also guilty of the "It's fine" one too.) It's so important to resolve issues and move forward rather than letting the anger build up.

Srinivas - Your dad is a wise, wise man. It's always a bad idea to make decisions when you're angry. I can't think of a single angry decision I've made that's worked out well for me. Glad you liked the post!

[Karl Staib - Work Happy Now]

Deep breathing is what I turn to first when I'm angry. It helps me slow down and take a step back. When I can pull myself out of the situation and not get overwhelmed I make better decisions.

Developing a relationship with our anger is very important to a successful life. I've seen so many talented people lose their jobs because of a small disagreement that got blown out of proportion.

We have to learn to harness this emotional power and use this energy to make changes that help ourselves and the people around us.

[Peggy (aka Tool Box Girl)]

Dani,

I used to have the worst habit when it came to expressing or verbalizing my anger.

"What's wrong?"

Me: "Nothing." Plastering a smile, gritting my teeth, choking back the fire that burned within.

That was me years ago.

What I've learned:

Anger needs a physical release - my choice is martial arts. I'm a soon to be recommened black belt in Thai Kickboxing and quite frankly, as a stepmom to a very difficult 17 year old boy, this is my outlet.

Anger needs an emotional release - my choice is my yoga practice. Breathing, meditation, thought watching, and detaching from what I think *should* or *should not* be happening.

Anger needs a mental release - my choice of weaponary: WRITING.
I have worked through more issues through journal writing, poetry, blogging, and personal essays than I care to count. In fact, I'm currently ressurecting my journey through breast cancer over on my blog http://serendipitysmiles.com.

Anger is a call to action. When channeled correctly it can propel you in the right direction. When channeled inward, it eats you alive and becomes depression.

xo

[Jen]

Hey Dani
Great post and good timing for me. I used to be a hide it and pretend 'it's all ok', although recently have started to let myself be angry and express it and realised it's ok and normal to be angry (and actually not normal never to be angry!). Still a learning curve for me, but starting to own that part of me and realise it's actually a good catalyst for change if owned and used wisely. Still learning how to not react immediatly and let it go, but actually reading this post has made me feel positive about it (I have been worried I have been getting more angry but writing about it makes me think it's actually progress!). Thanks Dani!

[Ia]

I love this post! It ties in really well to the one you did about staying calm. :) I applied those tips and they worked beautifully. I also try to remember these things when in an argument, too, and it's really been working out. My biggest issue was taking things personally, such as when a car turned the corner last night as I was about to cross the intersection on my bike - I thought 'I had the right of way, I was waiting longer!' but then I realised that it really didn't matter as the driver most likely wasn't out to offend me. When I thought about it like that, the anger just melted away. It's hard to be upset when you know someone isn't actually attacking you.

[positively present]

Karl - Deep breathing is a great way to manage anger because it allows you to take a step away from it and focus on your breaths. You're so right about how we need to learn to deal with our anger because if we don't there can be severe consequences. Thanks for sharing your insights!

Peggy - Oh, wow, I used to do that all the time too, saying nothing was wrong when really it was. I love what you wrote about the various ways to release anger. Your examples show us that there are productive, positive ways to deal with anger and we need to channel it outside of ourselves and deal with it rather than let it build up internally. Great comment!

Jen - I'm glad this post came at the right time for you. It's so good that you're letting yourself experience your anger. It seems like that would be a negative thing, but really it's a very positive, healthy way to be. It definitely sounds like you're making progress. Keep it up!

Ia - Thank you! You're right. I never thought about it, but it does tie in with the staying calm post. I also have a lot of trouble not taking things personally but I've tried to see things from others' perspectives and that really helps a lot. If someone is rude to me I think, "Maybe s/he is going through a terrible time." Some behavior is not deserving of an excuse, but I really try to keep an open mind about why someone is acting they way s/he is and remember that it probably has nothing to do with me. It definitely makes it better when you realize that people aren't out to get you!

[Hilary]

Hi Dani .. well done - another good post with some excellent points. The don't take things personally is always tricky to deal with - until one can realise what's going on; taking deep breaths, as you say, really does help; and thinking before you react .. ie let it rest, so often the boundaries change and the whole is probably not worth worrying about. Being positive - I'm with you there ..

Really interesting points - thanks
Hilary Melton-Butcher
Positive Letters Inspirational Stories

[Dawn]

I have to say...I'm working on the first one...I don't think I'm doing it, but I guess I am.

As for the rest...I do pretty good...but I ask. If you forgive and let go of the past...but you don't forget the past, are you still holding on to it??? I struggle with this one...

Thanks again for a great post! Right message, right time!

[Anita]

Great post! Sometimes when I'm angry I just focus my attention elsewhere -- like cleaning the house. Usually by the end I'm tired and whatever was bothering me earlier is no longer on my mind. That could be because I've realized it really wasn't a big deal and/or I've worked the anger out through physical activity. Yoga is also good. When you're doing any form of exercise you are in the moment and have to concentrate on the moves. In the end, the anger is gone. For bigger things -- well, sometimes just writing it out helps.

[jonathanfigaro]

Anger is a feeling we can all relate to. The key is not allowing anger to kill our mind. Anger is an emotion which shows you that your out of alignment with who you are. If you feel angry then you know that you are not connected with your inner source. Anger can crate negative momentum , which can be drawn out for days and even weeks. Anger can decrease you life span, increase sickness, and create social isolation.

Keep your mind focused on how to think positive as you live a life of integrity, achievement and success.

[Sara]

Dani -- I liked that you didn't say anger is bad in this post. It seems to be that we teach people to deny anger, rather than find an appropriate way to deal with it. And that's another thing I liked about this post, you gave excellent suggestions for dealing with anger:~)

I tend to be the kind of person who expresses anger outwardly, like a human volcano. I've made some big boo-boos in my life because of my anger.

One of the things I do when I'm really angry is WRITE. I write down every thing I want to say and don't hold anything back...cuss words and all...I let my anger go free! Usually after I do this, I find my anger is diminished, if not gone.

One important rule about this: NEVER SEND WHAT YOU'VE WRITTEN IN ANGER:~)

[positively present]

Hilary - Thank you! :) It's definitely hard not to take things personally sometimes, but it's best not to. When you find that you are, thinking positively and taking deep breaths really helps me out!

Dawn - The first point is one of the most important because taking things personally often causes a lot of unnecessary problems. I think that you can forgive and move on without forgetting how someone has hurt you. Remembering something doesn't mean you're dwelling on it as long as you've forgiven the person and you're moving forward with your life.

Anita - Great idea! Focusing your attention elsewhere (maybe on something positive!) is a great way to take a step back from any anger you're experiencing. As you said, sometimes when you come back to what was angering you, you realize that it's not a big deal after all. And yoga sounds like another great idea. I need to try that!

Jonathan - Such a great point -- we can't let anger kill our minds. Anger has many negative effects on us mentally and physically and holding on to it never does any good which is why we need to learn to deal with any anger and move forward positively.

Sara - I didn't really think about it that way when I was writing it, but you're right, I don't make anger out to the bad guy here. I think that's because anger is natural, it happens, and we can't necessarily avoid it. We can, however, control what we do with it and how we react to it. I agree that writing is a GREAT way to release anger in a positive way. When I'm angry at someone and I write it all down (without giving it to the person), I feel A LOT better about the situation. Excellent point about not sending it. That's NEVER a good idea!

[Mark]

Good advice on anger. You say we can't always control what we feel. I think this is a cop out. Truth is for the average person who does not have deep seated emotional issues we can indeed control what we feel. We control our thoughts, no one else does. What we think creates how we feel and when we are living from our authentic self we find that we are in control of our thoughts and feelings. We must first accept this and then take responsibility for each and every thought we have and the world that we create.

[Sami - Life, Laughs & Lemmings]

This post is written for me! Anger is the one emotion that really challenges me (and I tend to be passive aggressive too). Luckily my partner Chris is fantastic at dealing with anger so I'm learning from him.

The one thing I've found that really helps me is high intensity exercise. I'm seriously considering getting a rowing machine just so I have something I can use to diffuse anger.

I have found in the past that anger has served me well (ie it got me off my butt and back into the world after the D word) but there are times it gets out of hand. I'm still learning how to deal with it effectively so thanks for this post - it's helped!

[positively present]

Mark - Thanks! And I agree. We do have control over how we feel, but I do feel like there's a split second when we feel an immediate reaction to something. At that point we can choose if we want to accept that feeling or transform our emotions by changing the way we think about the situation. We absolutely have to take responsibility for our thoughts and feelings!

Sami - I'm so glad this one spoke to you! Exercise is a great way to deal with anger by means of a physical outlet. I do think anger can be motivating (such as the D word situation), but, as you said, there is a time and a place. We have to take control of our emotions -- as hard as that might be sometimes!

[Dayne]

Dani, what a fantastic post. All of your ideas are spot on when dealing with anger. The one that popped out at me most was to not avoid feeling emotions. I 100% agree with that one, it is a biggie. Many people when angry do something to avoid the anger, instead of fully facing it, feeling it, etc. to let it rise...and fall.

Thanks again for your post, always such a great great read! :)

Dayne
http://www.TheHappySelf.com

[John]

Great stuff, Dani. My mom and I have been talking about this a lot recently. Most of the things she told me were on your list. The one that stood out to me the most was "don't react immediately". Listen to everything, take a deep breath, and tactfully respond.

Thanks for the reminder!

[positively present]

Dayne - Thank you so much! I think one of the most important points I brought up was the one you mentioned -- not avoiding feeling angry. It's SO important to deal with emotions and not let them build up. Facing the anger is a lot easier than avoiding it.

John - Thanks! It sounds like your mom is a smart lady. It's important to listen, take deep breaths, and then respond. In some situations it's even best to leave and come back to the issue later.

[Jannie Funster]

For me the power of positivity is most relevant when I feel like letting my anger increase. I just back myself away from the reason to be mad, usually at my husband for some little thing. I'm so better at letting things go than I ever dreamed I would be!

[Ash]

Wonderful post! Although I find it interesting that you approached it from the "don't" side and not the "do." However, reading your list, I think we are a lot alike. I find my emotional state often contingent upon sleep/hunger/energy (or lack thereof).

I read somewhere that children laugh over (an average of) 100 times a day, while adults laugh maybe five times a day. Crazy! That is when I decided I would laugh at everything and anything every day - even the things that used to make me angry. I mean, it has already happened, why not just laugh, release some of that tension, and the find a way to better the situation? The moment I first did this: when one of my cats got sick in the morning before I left for work. It used to make me mad and I would become frustrated. Then one day I took the laugh challenge - woke up to my cat getting sick and just laughed. Ah life. Again. I have cleaned up after them before and I'd have to do it again in the future. So why angry in this moment? This was one of my moments of change. (I do get angry still, but then I try to remember that moment and see if I can laugh instead of scream.)

And the Four Agreements is a great book! I found that so helpful and it really opened my eyes when I read about taking things personally. And what a relief! Everything was in fact not about me. :)

[positively present]

Jannie - It's definitely a good idea to move away from your anger and focus on positivity. I think it really just requires being aware of what's happening and taking a step back before reacting.

Ash - Thanks! I've also heard something like that about kids/adults and laughing. We all need to laugh more and be angry less. I love the idea of challenging yourself to laugh when you're feeling angry. I'm definitely going to try to do that the next time I'm feeling angry. What a great idea! I'm glad to hear that you liked The Four Agreements too. It's such a great book!

[Megan Bord]

Ohhh, I was right there with you in therapy last year when I first discovered I was p*ssed at some people in my life. I was taught to stuff anger down - way down. I saw a counselor last year who gave me an opportunity to get my repressed anger out, and MY GOD, that felt good. Incredible how relaxed I felt afterward - just to speak the words, "I'm angry at..." Like you said, anger shouldn't be avoided and actually it can't be. It's there - like any other emotion. We don't have to act it out is really the key. We can acknowledge it, "Hey there, anger!" and then breathe through it, or do any of the great suggestions you offered, as well as Peggy from Serendipity Smiles. (LOVED her suggestions)
The best advice I've seen in the comments and from you, though, is not to act anger out against another living creature. Ever... It's simply never justified.
Be well!

[Kaizan]

Great post.

I think a big danger when you get angry is saying "I shouldn't be getting angry". Guaranteed to make you feel even worse!

[positively present]

Megan - SO great to know that you can relate to what I'm dealing with. I'm actually looking forward to getting more in touch with my anger. I think Peggy's suggestions were great too!

Kaizan - Thanks! I agree that it's definitely trouble when you think you shouldn't be angry. You have to acknowledge your feelings, deal with them, and move on.

[Jay Schryer]

This is wonderful, Dani! It's extremely important to learn how to deal with anger properly, not only because it can easily ruin friendships, personal relationships,and even business relationships, but also because (if it gets turned inwards) it can lead to depression. For that reason alone, it's worth mentioning on Positively Present!

In therapy, I've had to learn to express anger appropriately, because in the past, I would turn it against myself, keep it all bottled up, and that is the main source of my depression. One thing that has really helped me (which you mentioned) is to take some time before I react. To me, that's the biggest part of the battle, forcing myself to cool down alone. Just that one trick has saved me from myself a LOT!

Thanks for another great post, Dani. You rock!

[positively present]

Jay - Thanks so much! It's definitely crucial to learn how to deal with anger properly and it's something I've apparently not been doing the best job of. I think I primarily turn my anger outward, but not at the right people/situations and certainly not in the right manner. I think these tips will really help me out and I hope they're helpful for others too. YOU rock for leaving such a great comment. Thanks!

[Gail @ A Flourishing Life]

Very useful post with great strategies, thank you. I would like to add another possibility, which is to welcome and accept the anger, to get to the source of it. This means doing a 180 and turning toward the anger with curiosity to get to know it better. For me, anger often feels like an intense burn in my body. If I stay with that, almost invariably I realize I am actually afraid of something. Once this is all revealed, there is clarity. If I can recognize and be with the fear, I am so much more comfortable, and my whole perspective on the situation changes.

[Chris Edgar]

Thanks for this. My own perspective is that I've actually learned to enjoy that feeling of heat in my lower back (which is how anger shows up for me). I feel strong and empowered in that state, like I can do anything. I wonder if this resonates with you.

[J.D. Meier]

Very good list and you hit a lot of the keys. I think a lot of it boils down to what you choose to focus on, whether by design or by default.

[positively present]

Gail - You're welcome. I love your additional idea about welcoming anger in order to get to the source of it. I think turning anger into curiosity is a GREAT idea and could really help me out so thanks for sharing this advice here.

Chris - I don't necessarily feel empowered when I feel angry; mostly I feel frustrated. I don't want to be in a state of anger and so I get angry at my anger (vicious cycle!). Realizing that I can control my thoughts and my reactions is one of the key elements that will help me to work on this anger situation.

J.D. - Thank you! You're so right...it really comes down to know what what to focus on and choosing to focus on emotions/thoughts/etc. that are productive and healthy (which, sometimes, is anger).

[BeTrulyHappy]

"Don't avoid your emotions."

I believe avoiding your emotions is fear. Replacing that fear with courage will help you gain self-control. When you're mad, do not look away from the situation but instead use your power to overcome it. Talk to yourself and analyze the situation. Figure out the steps to turn that negative emotion into positive.

For example: You're trying to eat healthy and you see your favorite fast food restaurant. Instead of looking away and being fearful of the temptation, look at the restaurant directly and courageously say "I'm not going to eat there because I have the power to eat healthy".

Do the same with your emotions.

Great Post!

[Veronica]

Hi Dani!

What a great post for me to 'come back' to! I've been out of the PP loop for a while... And anger is certainly one of those things I've had to learn to manage throughout my whole life. I've got a short fuse and too often it's blown up in my face and hurt others.

Out of the list, the most important one for me to conquer has been to not react to things immediately. This is, in general, a good practice - but especially when it comes to reactionary anger. I've found that things can simply fizzle out for me once I've let that initial moment pass and allow myself some time for perspective.

Thanks for sharing and I'm glad to 'be back'!

Veronica

www.drrussbuss.com

[positively present]

BeTrulyHappy - You're so right. Avoiding your emotions IS fear and it's not healthy at all. You have to give yourself power to overcome your anger and to deal with it in a positive, proactive way. GREAT example of the fast food restaurant!!

Veronica - I'm glad that you could relate to this post. I agree that it's so important not to react immediately. It can be so hard not to at times, but it's so important to take a step away from the situation, take a deep breath, and return when you've calmed down. I'm glad you back too! Thanks for the comment!

[Hayden Tompkins]

Don't discredit how you feel! So so so important. It's also important to not let OTHERS discredit how you feel.

I love my beloved but he used to be all "Why are you upset? This isn't a big deal?" and finally I was like "It's a big deal because it's a BIG DEAL TO ME."

Now he's super supportive. Love the article!

[BunnygotBlog]

Great article with wise tips. Love it!

[positively present]

Hayden - So true! It's definitely important to acknowledge all feelings and deal with them accordingly. And you're also so right about not letting others discredit how I feel (though, for me, it's usually people wanting to see more of my true emotions). Great line: "It's a big deal because it's a big deal to me." It's so, so important to recognize that feelings are there for a reason and that we have every right to have them. It's awesome that your guy is supportive of you and your feelings. He rocks!

Bunny - Thank you! :) I'm so glad you enjoyed it.

[Kaushik]

Thanks for a great article on an important subject. Anger shows up in so many ways--resentment, envy, not getting what we want--it's always negative, often destructive, and irony is it hurts us more than the target of our anger. The Buddha said said anger is like a hot coal we carry around waiting to throw at someone. The trick is to let it go. The trick to that, is to see letting go is so much easier than holding on.

Thanks for insight!

[positively present]

Kaushik - I'm glad you think this is an important topic too! Anger is definitely negative but it has to be dealt with at times and, as you said, the best way to do this is to let it go. I agree that letting go is SO much easier than holding on (though it doesn't always seem that way...). Thank YOU for sharing your insights!

[steve]

thanks for this post. i read a book by Thich Nhat Hanh this summer called "Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames," which has helped me in a lot of situations.

TNH's primary suggestion is just to be mindful. notice your anger, be with your anger, accept your anger, take care of your anger. by taking care of your anger, really you become less angry. the book gets a little repetitive about this, but i would recommend it to anyone dealing with anger.

also, for me, it has helped to remember what i care about most of all. if i think about it, to me, nothing is really worth getting angry & violent over. even if someone is treating me badly or if something goes wrong, it's not worth getting angry & (often) disrespectful toward others. realizing this has helped me "cool it" a little when thinking about all my desires that are being ruined by other people or chance happenings. it's ok, because my biggest desire is to just be calm & to be a nice person to everyone.

[positively present]

Steve - That sounds like a great book. I'm going to have to check that one out! I really believe that being mindful is SO important when it comes to anger and I think your point about keeping what you really care about in mind is also very important. Thanks for sharing your great suggestions here too!

[Ian]

Dani, well I think if you've just started working on your anger then you are the perfect person to write this!

I think anger is a really important feeling and chances are it's telling us that someone is doing something that's harming us in some way. As you say, it's important to recognise it and use it once we're in control of it. It can be such a powerful feeling we create more damage when we act out of it - and learning to use it effectively is a key skill in managing conflict.

Thanks for the post!

[positively present]

Ian - Good point! I'm just getting started working on this but writing this post has helped me out a lot. I definitely agree that anger is important and can actually be very useful if handled properly (which is what I need to work on). I'm a work in progress but it's good that I'm on the path to figuring it all out!

[Lyn]

This is the second time I've read this post. The first time was simply reading another great post. This time, I returned because I personally needed it. I'm trying now to slowly calm down from unprovoked anger. However, because I had read this post, I was very calm.

Thanks for this great post and all your timely and relevant posts! YOU ROCK, DANI!

[positively present]

Lyn - I'm so glad this post helped you out! And you read it twice -- WOW! It means a lot to me to know that it was useful for you and worked to calm you down. :) Keep up the great work controlling that anger!

[Ireena]

Hi Dani...
Thank you for your kind comments, Dani. And you're right...have I ever learned a lesson!!!
I suppose I'm most apprehensive about upcoming events. My sis the narcissist is expecting her first child, and called my mother the other day (after abusing her for a couple of weeks) and said she hoped mom and I were going to put on a baby shower for her!!
At this point I can't even do Thanksgiving, much less a baby shower.

[marci]

This post reminds me of the saying, "You have to know the bad before you can truly appreciate the good." In this respect, you have anger which opposes happiness and positivity. So I think it's natural for you, or anyone, to have anger. Especially when trying to reach for happiness! Thanks for this post. Definitely a good list of Don'ts.

[positively present]

Ireena - It sounds like you may be dealing with some overwhelming situations and feel pressured by your family members. I hope these tips with help you deal with any anger you might be feeling.

Marci - Great connection to that saying... I completely agree. Anger is important and can be useful if managed properly. It's a natural thing and sometimes it's very necessary. I just need to work on how to deal with it better (not get rid of it) in order to create a happier, more productive environment for myself.

[Daniel]

Anger isn't something I usually have trouble with. But recently a close friend of mine decided that because I'm transgendered, she hates my guts and now always acts hostile. I'm trying to stay calm(she's a drama queen and I refuse to fuel her ego) but this resentment just won't go away. I can't make excuses for her, I've written her five letters since se told me off(not sent, of course), I've breathed deep enough to ge lightheaded, and none of it helps. I can't let it go and time isn't helping. Whenever I think of her it just infuriates me. I've accepted my anger but I still haven't gotten over it.. So is there some backup strategy? I don't want to be angry forever..

[positively present]

Daniel - It sounds like your friend isn't very open-minded or tolerant. She doesn't sound like a very positive influence on your life. As hard as it might be, it's important to remember that you can only control how you think and act -- not how others think and act. Unfortunately you have no control over others and, for that reason, it's best to only surround yourself with the people who bring you up, not down.