from fearful to fortunate: do what you don't want to

 

 (♥)

Last night I learned a very important lesson: sometimes good things happen when we do the things we don't want to do. I myself waiting around most of the day, thinking negative thoughts about how I didn't want to do something, only to find out that it was actually the best thing for me to be doing. Take a look at what I wrote before I left and what my thoughts were after to see just how what was seen as a negative experience actually turned out to be a positive one. 

The Before

Right now I am sitting here, dreading something I have to do, something I don't want to do. Has that ever happened to you? I bet it has. I bet you've been sitting there, just like I am here, thinking of how you could get out of it, knowing that you couldn't. Being me, of course I'm sitting here analyzing exactly why it is that I don't want to go and I realize the truth almost instantly: I'm scared. I don't want to break out of my little comfort zone. I don't want to do something that I don't normally do with people I don't normally spend time with. 

What is it with that fear of new things? Some people see a new experience and can't wait to dive into it. More often than not, I hold back, analyzing it until I'm sure it's what I want to do. And even then I'm not always so into it. Sometimes I'm the type of person who makes plans and then cancels because she'd rather sit in her apartment than travel to a new part of the city. Sometimes I'd rather do nothing at all than do something that sparks a fear in me. 

And that's exactly how I'm feeling right now. The negative thoughts are creeping in and I suddenly think of all of the reasons why I shouldn't go tonight. I think of the the rain, the possibility of it being a waste of time, the fact that I'm not feeling so well. I think of the traffic and the TV shows I'll be missing. I think of my preferred bedtime and the tasks I could (but wouldn't...) be crossing off my To Do list. Excuses flood my mind and my brain rationalizes them all. 

I want to escape the fear, but I cannot. I am sitting with it and I have to deal with it. I cannot back out. I cannot say I'm no longer going to go. At this point -- so late in the day -- it is no longer an option to cancel. As much as I try to push the positivity -- "This could be fun!" "This might be really good for you!" "It's something new and different!" -- my negativity continues to push back. I just keep thinking, "I don't want to go. I don't want to go. I don't want to go." 

But I went. 

The After

I just walked in the door from the event I'd been dreading and I'm happy to report that all of the dread and fear were worth it. It was one of the most productive and eye-opening evenings I've had in a long time. I got to sit there and listen to others speak. I got to sit there in silence and just listen. Listening, for me, doesn't come easily. If you couldn't gather from my long-winded posts, I'm a talker. I'm a decent listener, but I'd much rather tell you what I think (sometimes in the middle of what you're trying to say!). 

According to my parents, I started talking at a very early age and people would always think it was odd that I was so small and able to say so much (come to think of it, people still might think this...). Ever since I learned to master language on my own, I've had a hard time just sitting still without adding my thoughts. One of the reasons last night was a great experience because, unlike most conversations I have when I can jump in whenever I want, I had to sit and wait my turn to speak. This gave me an opportunity to be present, to really take in the words of others without rushing to add my own comments. 

Another reason last night turned out to be a positive experience for me was because I had the opportunity to sit down in a room full of people who were dealing with some of the very same things as I am. It was nice to sit and just listen to the stories and the wisdom (which, ironically, was the topic of the evening) of other people who are in similar situations. It was refreshing to finally not feel so alone. It was eye-opening to hear the insights of others, shared so candidly with everyone in the room. 

Though it was past my crawl-into-bed time when I returned, I couldn't sleep because I was pumped up by the words I'd heard spoken all night. I felt revived and excited... and so, so thankful that I'd forced myself to do something out of my comfort zone. I was even more grateful to the wonderful person who went with me because, without her, I don't know if I ever would have made it into that room where, in only an hour, I learned so much. 

The Lesson

Last night I learned a great lesson (one that I should know by now) -- sometimes positive things happen even when we don't expect them to, which just goes to show that thinking negatively doesn't do anything at all. If I had been thinking positively all day, getting myself excited for my evening activity, I would have been a lot happier. I wouldn't have been stressed or wasting time coming up with excuses in my mind. I wouldn't have been feeling the fear of doing something I didn't know if I wanted to do. Instead of stressing, I should have been reading Gilbert's post from Wednesday, The Power of Acceptance: A Path To An Open Heart, and realizing that acceptance was really the way to go. 

Had I accepted the situation for what it was -- just a new experience -- instead of for what I thought it was going to be -- some terrible waste of time that would bore and/or irritate me -- I would have been a lot better off. Now, I don't want to be too hard on myself. It was something that was slightly scary and definitely new. We all have a right to be nervous or scared or uncertain. However, in this situation, I let my negative thoughts take over to the point that I almost missed out on the experience all together. 

On more than one occasion yesterday, I thought about picking up my phone and canceling. Had I let that negativity take over, I may never have been able to experience the feelings I did last night -- feelings I am very grateful to have sitting with me now. I'm happier because I went. I'm more positive because I went. I'm not going to sit here and claim that a single evening changed my life (though, I suppose, it's been known to happen!), but I will say that I am very glad I forced myself to do something I really didn't want to do. 

So, you may be wondering why I'm telling you all about my one-night revelation. I'm sharing this experience with you so that the next time you think you really don't want to go to an event -- either because you're scared or disinterested or uncertain -- remember this post and recognize that, even though it doesn't necessarily seem like the best thing in the world, it could turn out to be a pretty great experience. Try to keep an open mind when you're diving into something new and you might be surprised at what you'll encounter. 

A friend of mine informed me that today is To Write Love on Her Arms Day. What is To Write Love on Her Arms? That's exactly what I asked when I opened the email! To Write Love on Her Arms (TWLOHA) is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery. In an effort to get the word out about this organization, the founders are asking people to literally write "love" on their arms. So, if you can, take a minute today to write "love" on your arm and support the cause. I have it written on my arm right now! If you want to know more about TWLOHA, go to www.twloha.com.

Comments

[lisa]

YAY YOU, Dani! isn't it kewwwwwwwwwl when we let fear become a bridge rather than a wall?

and YAY to Jamie for TWLOHA ~ love's on my arm, too!

[Jay Schryer]

This is great, Dani! I love how you stepped out of your comfort zone and were rewarded for the effort. Keep doing it, and you'll be rewarded even greater than you can imagine! I've been doing it a lot myself lately, and I love it!

[Positively Present]

Lisa - Thanks for your support! It was definitely cool to let my fear become a bridge. I'm glad you have "love" on your arm today too. I feel happy when I look down at what I've written!

Jay - It was definitely rewarding to step out of my comfort zone, to acknowledge my negativity and realize it wasn't productive at all. I definitely plan to keep stepping out of my comfort zone and I hope you do too!

[Rocky]

acceptance =)

and yes I too am writing love on my arms today!

[Miche]

Hi Dani, this is super! I'm glad you stepped out of your comfort zone... you are so right that fear of change is what holds us back... then our imaginations connect with that fear and we start coming up with excuses, or projecting what a horrible, awkward time we might have.

I think part of acceptance is letting go of judgement, a lot of which arises out of fear. There's a quote somewhere that if we've judged something we've missed out on the chance to love it, or something like that.

Cheers, and good for you!!!
Thanks for sharing this,
Miche :)

[Positively Present]

Rocky - Acceptance is definitely so important in so many aspects of our lives. I need to work on it. Yay, I'm glad you wrote "love" on your arm. I keep looking down at it on my arm and smiling.

Miche - Thank you! I'm glad I did too. Fear was holding me back and I'm glad I just sucked it up and did it anyway. Really great points you made about acceptance!

[Belinda Munoz]

Awesome, Dani! You make a great point about our comfort zone. Sometimes, we should do something we dread precisely for that reason. We learn so much from doing what we want to do, but there's even more to learn (and dare I say to love) from things we don't want to do or are afraid to do.

[Patrice]

Hi Dani - A lot of people feel this way about going to the gym. We even see it on the Biggest Loser. These oversized people are afraid to step in a gym because they're scared of what people may say or the fact that some may even stare at them. But once they go, get their workout going, they soon realize afterward that they were not paying the people in the gym any attention. They were focused, and left the gym feeling refreshed. Even though I experience my own personal set backs from not stepping out of my own comfort zone, I'm all for it because I know that once I've stepped out, I feel a lot better than I did before and realize that there was nothing to be afraid of to begin with. Thanks!

[Catherine]

Hello Dani

I've been enjoying your blog for a while and found this post really inspiring. Well done for going through your fear and showing up anyway. As you described the event you were afraid of, it struck me that it seemed very connected to your passion for reflecting on happiness. So on one level, why be afraid of furthering what you love, but indeed I often find that I'm most afraid of doing the things that, deep down, I really want and will truly take me where I need to go. Last night I too did something I was very afraid of beforehand. The experience was not so great, but I'm still happy I did it, because I don't have to be fixed on fear of that thing anymore, and I am not beating myself up and giving up just because it wasn't perfect.

Someone, I can't remember who, suggested that it's a good idea to do one new thing every day that we're afraid of. Your post reminds us why this is great advice to take into our lives. Thanks.

[Hayden Tompkins]

I know I'm SUPPOSED to do something when I'm afraid of it. {HUG}

[Sharmila]

Dani, I love this post! I have also had more courage lately to go despite how I felt, and was often blessed by a sense of community and learning something new! It felt so good to be here and read your post and I love how so many things you share I can relate to and it just makes my heart feel warm and grateful! :) Thank you for being you! ~Jen

[Positively Present]

Belinda - I agree. Sometimes the act of breaking out of our comfort zones is reason enough to try something different. Thanks for you feedback!

Patrice - You've brought up a great point about the gym. A lot of people really struggle with that and it's important to break out of routines and habits. Once people do that, they'd be a lot happier than they were before -- something I learned a lot about last night!

Catherine - I love what you wrote in your comment about how we're often scared to do things that we really know will benefit us. That's exactly what happened in this case. I'm glad that you shared your personal experience. It's a great point that stepping out of our comfort zones isn't always perfect, but it's still great to let go of fear and do things we haven't done before. I like that advice about doing one new thing every day. I'm going to try to incorporate that from now on!

Hayden - Ahh, that's so true! That's definitely the case here. I knew I need to do it -- knew it would help me -- but I was scared of it. I'm glad I did it though!

Sharmila - Thank you! I'm so glad you could relate to this post and I'm also glad to hear that you've been gaining courage lately. It's such a great feeling to do something new!

[Armen Shirvanian]

Hey Dani.

Nice step-by-step description of your thoughts along the way. They are the same as our thoughts along the way, so they are good to see written out. This reminded me a little of my going to a Toastmaster's meeting a couple of weeks ago. For a while there, I thought you were going to bring up that you went to a Toastmaster's meeting. Regardless, what you say here is good for the next time a time like this shows up. Canceling is easy, but it is not what we will be glad for later. You mainly regret what you didn't do, not what you did incorrectly.

The no-capitals in the title and post links on the sidebar reminded me of e.e. cummings for a second there.

Glad for the thoughts.

[All Women Stalker]

Yep, sometimes, we just need to suck it up and just do it. :)

-meream

[Josten]

That is the mentality that i have. Even when things are not going the way we want them to something good is going to happen from it.
Great post

[Positively Present]

Armen - Thanks! I thought that a lot of people would be able to relate to what I was going through and I'm glad you agree. This could definitely apply to Toastmaster's. I love what you said about how you regret what you didn't do, not what you didn't do right. That's SO true. Funny you brought up the lower-case thing... I've always been drawn to lower-case letters and I wonder if that started from reading cummings' work... interesting!

Meream - Yep, that's definitely the truth! It's not always easy, but it's awesome when we push ourselves out of our comfort zones.

Josten - Very good mentality to have! I agree that even if things don't go away we planned, things always work out for the best in the end.

[Anita]

Good for you Dani! Give yourself a pat on the back for stepping out of your comfort zone, for feeling the fear and doing it afraid, and for being open to the experience once you got to the event. Remember this story the next time you are faced with a similar situation. Sometimes we just have to make the best of a situation. It's easier if we go into it with the right attitude. Take care, A. 8-)

[Zengirl]

Dani,

I agree, sometimes after the event/situation, I have though why I was worried or scared, it was not bad. Only if anyone would have seen me before the event itself.

I am glad things went positive for you as well.

[Positively Present]

Anita - Thanks! It was definitely not an easy thing to do and I'm proud of myself for trying something new and being open to it when I got there. Great point about how I need to remember this the next time I'm faced with a similar situation.

Zengirl - Yes, that's exactly how I felt! It was such a positive experience for me that I had to wonder, "Why didn't I want to go?" Thanks for your support!

[Gayze (Gazehound's Animal Communication)]

Good for you, Dani! I'm so glad you stepped out and wound up having a good time, and learning new things to boot.

I tend to be a bit of a recluse, and can so relate to that urge to pick up the phone and cancel. I've experienced the same so many times, myself.

[Positively Present]

Gayze - Thanks! I'm glad I did too. Like you, I definitely enjoy being alone so I am often tempted to cancel things. After having this experience I'm going to try my best to stick to plans I've made because you never know what will happen!

[Steven]

Hey Dani,

Its great that you've done something that you were afraid of. That is what life is all about, to be able to expand your circle of comfort zone. When you have a wide comfort zone, that is when it is easier for you to enjoy life without much fears and discomfort.

And it seems that you are getting there! :D

Steven *boom out*

[Positively Present]

Steven - I agree -- it was great to take this step. I love what you said about expanding the comfort zone, not just stepping out of it. It's important for us all to make our comfort zones wider!

[Patrick]

Your words brought back memories of many occasions, and great reminder of how much we miss if we don't handle our fears of the unknown. There are really wonderful things to be discovered in our journeys, but sometimes it takes a little work to go and find them. Great job, and I loved your description of the before and after.

[Positively Present]

Patrick - It's so true that we miss out on a lot when we don't face our fears so I'm really glad I faced mine in this situation. It definitely was hard work to get to where I am now, but it's been worth. Thanks for your encouragement. I'm so glad you liked the post!

[Annabel Candy, Get In the Hot Spot]

Great story and inspiring that you went out there and did it. My mantra is "Give Fear the Finger". You certainly did:)

[Stephen - Rat Race Trap]

Hi Dani, you really crack me up. In addition to not talking so much you need to stop thinking so much! You're just making up stories in your head :-) Not that I don't love your stories because I do. But I can imagine in real-life being around you is like being hit with a fire hose.

I know a real-life Energizer Bunny. I'm thinking you could give her a run for her money. Do you ever stop? :-)

[Positively Present]

Annabel - Give fear the finger! I love it!! I'm definitely making that my new mantra. Thanks for sharing it with me.

Stephen - Haha, I'm not sure if I ever stop. I was going to say I stop when I'm sleeping, but even then I'm thinking! I think I'm a lot less intense with my thoughts in real life... or maybe it's just my words. I talk a lot more when I'm writing than I do when I'm speaking, but, yeah, fire hose seems about right. Haha.

[Lindsay]

I am the opposite.. I get really excited about new things, even if they are slightly scary. I love to put on my favorite POWER SHOES and walk right into a situation. Maybe you should consider picking a power outfit that you can put on that makes you feel super confident. I find a LOT of confidence in outfits..

Good to see that you took away a good experience and a positive attitude!!

[Sami - Life, Laughs & Lemmings]

Kudos to you Dani! It sounds like it was a real challenge but you were up for the task regardless.

It's the times in my life when I've had to dig deep and be courageous that the most amazing experiences have resulted. Nothing worthwhile is ever achieved without a bit of courage.

A tip I was given ages ago was if you feel scared AND excited about something then it's generally a sign you should go for it.

[Positively Present]

Lindsay - That's awesome that new things excite you. I think that's a great way to be! And I love the idea of a power outfit... I definitely agree that outfits can give you a lot of confidence, which is awesome!

Sami - Thanks! It was a challenge for sure but I'm glad I forced myself into it. I like that tip about scared/excited. That makes a lot of sense and is actually EXCELLENT advice for me today. Thanks!

[Evelyn Lim]

Good for you that you went past your resistances to attend the event! Boy...I can certainly say that I "suffer" from the same resistances to attending functions or gatherings. I am so comfortable at home that it is hard to get me out of my routine. Having said that, I do make it a point to go attend events or workshops. I almost always come home feeling more energized!

[Positively Present]

Evelyn - Thanks! :) It was definitely hard to do it, but it worked out well that I did. Like you, I love being comfortable in my home so sometimes I really have to force myself to do new things. As you said, pushing myself out of my comfort zone really does make me feel more energized!