when you want to cry, laugh instead

  (♥)

Laughing In My Sleep

Though I hate to admit it now, I used to be the kind of person that would wake from sleep crying. I was sad and even my subconscious knew it. Last week, I found myself startling awake and it took me to realize what was happening: I was laughing. Never before had I woken to the sound of my own laughter and I was more than delighted to hear such a happy sound as the first sound of the day. I was also a little bit shocked. Did people actually do this? Did they actually wake up because they were laughing so hard in their sleep? After I eventually fell back to sleep and re-awoke for the day, I brought up the situation to my mom, who replied with, "Oh, yeah, I've probably done that about five times!" Though I was surprised to hear that I wasn't alone in this wake-up-laughing thing, I wasn't all that surprised that it had happened to my mom. After all, if anyone were going to wake up in their sleep laughing, it would be my happy mother. It hit me then, as I was talking to her, that I was becoming more and more like her. I was becoming the kind of person that woke up laughing, not crying. 

While this might not seem like a huge thing, to me it meant the world. It was some sort of proof that all of this happiness I've been feeling isn't entirely created by me in the daytime. There is something deeper to this happiness, something that transcends from my waking to my sleeping state, and that makes me feel profoundly grateful. I remember waking the other day to the sound of my own laughter and thinking, "This cannot be happening." It just seemed to me like such a sign that things really had changed for me, and that they were changed in a more permanent way than I could ever imagine. I wasn't, as I had been in the past, finding happiness outside of myself. I had finally found a happiness that came from within me, a happiness that was, in fact, bubbling out of me in the form of laughter.

When You Want To Cry, Laugh Instead

When I found the image above as I was searching for a picture to fit with this post on laughter, I couldn't have been more elated. It was perfect. Both laughter and tears are responses that we need in our lives -- both are necessary at different times -- but sometimes we really do have a choice between the two. There are times when we could look at a situation and we could just as easily laugh about it as we could cry about it. Before I used to be the crying, woe-is-me type, seeing a situation for the worst things about it. Now, when faced with a difficult situation, I find that it's a lot easier (and less messy!) to laugh about it. Of course there are some situations (like the death of a loved one or a horrible heartbreak) in which only crying will do. But there is that old saying, "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened," that really should be remembered more often. I used to focus on the crying part, but now I can see that laugher is the way to go.

As anyone who has had hardship or heartache in his or her life knows, it's not always that easy to get to a place where you're waking up laughing instead of crying. Emotions are complex things and you cannot force yourself to feel a certain emotion if you really don't want to feel it (and trying to do this really only masks the pain...) so it's important to realize that it's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to feel pain. What's not okay is dwelling on it. There really is -- if you really think about it -- no point in dragging out the sad and mad and unhappy emotions. The only person you're hurting when you do this is you, and I'm sure that's not what you want. You certainly don't want to feel any more pain than you have to, right? So take a deep breath, take a step back, and look for what you can laugh about (or, at the very least, smile about).

You might be surprised that finding something to laugh about (even in the most awful of situations) isn't as hard as you might think. And don't let that guilt hold you back either! It's tempting to think if something is sad or upsetting that we shouldn't still be happy or be laughing, but the only thing you're achieving by having that attitude is holding yourself back from happiness. You deserve to be happy -- no matter what's going on in your life -- and you deserve to laugh. No matter what tough time you're going through, resisting laughter isn't going to help you out. In fact, laughing will really bring you into the moment and will help you to see that positive things in life are all around you if only you take the time to look.

Believe me, I know this is so much easier said than done. If someone had told me a year ago that I would be woken by the sound of my own laughter, I can honestly say I would have called that person a flat-out liar. I would never have believed that it would be possible for someone like me to wake up feeling the utter joy that comes with laughing, but here I am, sitting here and writing about it now, my mouth upturned in a smile just thinking about what it felt like to wake in that strange NYC bed, my body shaking with the happy sounds of laughter. It is possible to get to a point where you feel more like laughing than crying, when, like me, laugher becomes your more natural release. It's not easy, but I'm going to give you some ideas on how to get started.

How To Laugh and Laugh and Laugh

• Surround yourself with happy people. It's pretty hard to be happy and find laughter if you're around negative people all the time. You have to surround yourself with people who bring you up, who make you laugh when you are down, and who support you wholeheartedly. It's taken me awhile to realize that sometimes these people aren't who you think they're going to be. Sometimes the good people in your life are surprising. Sometimes you wish people could be better for you than they are. Nonetheless, it's up to YOU to decide who is good for you and who is not. And don't even pretend like you don't know. If you sit down and really, really think about it, you know whether or not someone is good for you. Still not sure? Ask yourself this: "How do I feel when I'm with this person?" If you generally feel happier and uplifted, this person is a good person for you to have in your life. If not, well, you know what to do...
  
  
• Open your mind up to being happy. For me this was the hardest thing in the world to do. I thought being unhappy was such a part of me that I would never escape it. I thought I had to accept it. In fact, I thought I needed it to be who I was. I didn't think I could be a writer or a creative person if I was a happy person. Well, I can tell you with 100% certainty that that's just not true. I write more now that I ever have and I'm at the happiest point in my life. If you don't open your mind to being happy, you won't allow it to happen to you. I pushed happy away a for such a long time and missed out on so much. Now that my mind is open to being happy, I find happiness in everything (well, almost everything...ha!). If you're open-minded about happiness you'll be able to embrace the happiest things (like laughter!) much more easily.
  
  
• Stop behaviors that bring you down. Listen up! This point is C-R-I-T-I-C-A-L! You have to, have to, have to stop doing the things that bring you down. You will never, ever be truly happy if you have activities or people in your life that are negative for you. And, believe me, people who aren't truly happy don't do a lot of honest, hearty laughing (unless, of course, you're a comedian). It's not easy -- AT ALL -- to give up things that bring you down. It's so much easier to keep doing what you know, what's within your realm of comfort, but remember this: If you don't change, your life won't change. I had to give up a lot of things -- a whole lifestyle of partying, in fact! -- to get to the place I am right now. It was not, and still is not, easy, but it's worth every single second of awkwardness or feeling left out to know that, deep down, I'm truly, amazingly happy. Just yesterday, I said to my friend Blair, "I'm so excited about my new, sober, honest, awesome life!" I wouldn't be where I am today without all of the changes I've made. So if you want to be happy, start changing!  
  
  
• Find yourself a fantastic therapist. Therapy is one of those things that a lot of people have strong opinions about. They usually think it's wonderful and that everyone should be in it or they think it's a waste of time and money. I used to be of the latter group, having had some pretty shitty waste-of-time therapists, but now that I've found a fantastic therapist that works well with me, I'm definitely joining those in the former group! Therapy is hard. Sometimes it really sucks having to deal with things you don't want to deal with. Sometimes it really sucks having to listen to things you don't want to hear. But I know, without a doubt, that I wouldn't be in the place of happy that I am now if it weren't for all of the hours I've spent in therapy since last November. It took many, many years for me to find a therapist that worked for me, but I'm so glad I didn't give up the search. Therapy -- good therapy -- has changed my life and it can change yours too if you find the right therapist for you.

If you want to be the type of person that wakes up laughing, the type of person who can see the good in even the worst situations, you have to work at it. You have to give up your notions of guilt (you deserve happiness!) and the idea that happiness isn't something we should all have all the time. Bad things happen -- oh, yes, they do! -- but that doesn't mean we can't be laughing, still enjoying life, and living every moment to the fullest. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be laughing, but don't forget that it really is all up to you. I didn't wake up laughing in my sleep last week because I just keep doing the things that made me unhappy while surrounding myself with people that brought me down. No, I woke up laughing because I took control of my unhappy state and I turned it around. The laughter I experienced was, for me, a true, honest sign that things really have changed and that, about a year after I started this journey down the path of self-improvement, I am exactly -- and happily! :) -- where I've always wanted to be. 

Want to learn more about me? Check out the interview I did this week over at SuperForest! Read "A Positively Present Interview" by clicking here. (The post was tagged with "celebrity"! How fun is that!?) Even if you don't care to read the interview, you should definitely check out SuperForest. It's an awesome site and one of my newly found favorites!
 

 

Comments

[The Emotion Machine]

What about those of us that don't cry enough? Why not let the flood of tears wash away our sadness? Sometimes a good cry can be a really therapeutic experience.

Either way - I see exactly what you are saying. It reminds me of a great quote:

“One day you will look back on the times you laughed and you will cry, and you will look back on the times you cried and laugh." - Anonymous

Thanks for sharing this post! Your wisdom is always appreciated.

[Hayden Tompkins]

The interesting thing about "funny" is that laughter is actually our way of dealing with hurt. Think about jokes and situations we find funny, there is usually hurt in them.

Being able to find the joy in pain is so so important.

Love this!

[Positively Present]

The Emotion Machine - As I said, crying can be really, really important and we certainly shouldn't avoid doing it when we need to. It's important to feel emotions -- even the sad ones -- and, as you noted, crying can be a great experience sometimes. I'm glad you brought up that quote. I've always loved that one and it really is perfect for this post!

Hayden - Very true! As it says it the picture above, laughing can be an emotional response the same way crying can be. It's important to do a bit of both, but I do think there are times when we can choose to laugh instead of cry. Love what you said about finding the joy in pain -- I believe that's very true!

[Sami - Life, Laughs & Lemmings]

Wow, great post Dani and yay for you for waking up laughing. Your comments on laughing through tough times reminds me of the "best" funerals I've been to. There's nothing more sad than a funeral but the ones I've been to that had the most meaning were the ones where funny stories were told and everyone laughed through their tears.

[Rocky]

"Surround yourself with happy people."

I definitely think this is the most factor in being happy. Life is meant to be spent with people you love spending time with. =)

[A. Simplicity]

To wake up laughing; what a fantastic affirmation of your journey!!! Laughter is a beautiful and wonderful thing, I love how it is so contagious and at its best uncontrolled : ) great post!! thank you!!

[Michelle @ Following Your Joy]

Hi there and thanks for the great post!

We all need the reminder to laugh, play, and be joyful. My husband and I got together with friends last weekend for the sole purpose of ordering pizza and watching back-to-back-to-back episodes of "America's Funniest Videos." It was fantastic! And so fun to also see the comedy through the eyes of our friends' six year-old. It was non-stop laughter...and the best part was sharing in it together. I must say that it actually felt therapeutic. :)

[Zavi]

I got all my wisdom teeth pulled out last winter, and I left the oral surgeon laughing because I was so happy to get it over with, everyone in the waiting room looked scared ! My mom laughed both times she gave birth. I don't laugh in my sleep but it has gotten some what better since I started being more positive.

[Barbara Swafford]

Hi Dani,

Laughter is the best medicine. As I think back to times in my life when I've lost loved ones, if something or someone made me laugh, the veil of sadness would lift. Even if it was only for a short period of time, it made me feel so much better.

[Positively Present]

Sami - Thank you! I'm glad you like the post. And I know JUST what you mean about funerals. The best ones are those that have lots of laughter.

Rocky - I agree with you. It's the most important thing you can do for yourself, and sometimes it's the hardest.

A.Simplicity - Isn't it?! I felt like it was such a great sign and I was so happy (and surprised!) that it happened. I also love how contagious laughter can be -- that's one of the best things about it!

Michelle - You're welcome! I love that you and your friends got together to watch silly videos. That sounds like such a fun idea -- arranging a time to sit around with people you care about and laugh -- and I'm going to see if I can round up some people to do that with me. It sounds so fun!

Zavi - Laughter can be such a great release during times of pain. How amazing that your mom laughed while giving birth! I've never heard of that before but it sounds awesome!

Barbara - It really IS the best medicine. When we laugh, our sadness definitely lifts, even if only temporarily. It's such a great -- and usually pretty easy -- way to feel better when we're feeling down.

[qoia]

Why do you want to deny yourself the gift of crying? it is one of the best ways to cope with sadness and hurt. Crying is not wrong, being pessimistic is wrong.

[Positively Present]

Qoia - I would never want to deny the gift of crying. It's so important that we cry when we need to (and that we address all emotions when we need to), but I do think there are times when we find ourselves crying when we could be laughing instead. Not all situations are like this, however, and everyone should do what is best for him or her. I agree -- crying is definitely not wrong!

[Jay Schryer]

This is really great, Dani. I can't say that I have ever woken up laughing, but what an amazing experience that must have been! I'm so happy for you. I love coming here, because your happiness is contagious, and you always make me smile. You rock, Dani.

[Positively Present]

Jay - Thank you! I was quite surprised when it happened to me. I'd never even heard of anyone laughing in their sleep before! I'm so happy to know my happiness is contagious. Thanks for your comment!

[All Women Stalker]

When my grandmom died, I spent the first hour crying. After that, when I was feeling a bit sad about her passing, I laughed instead. Of course, it helped that I was remembering the fun times we had. She was a funny soul! :D

-meream

[Positively Present]

Meream - That you for sharing that story about your grandmother. You've really illustrated the point I was trying to make in this post well. It's important to recognize sadness and to experience emotions that come naturally to us. However, it's just as important to celebrate the good things -- as you did when thinking about your grandmother. Thanks for sharing this!

[The Conscious Life]

Great post, Dani. So good that I've included it in one of the 25 simple and healthy habits (http://theconsciouslife.com/healthy-habits-that-can-change-your-life.htm) that can change anyone's life. Thanks!

[Positively Present]

The Conscious Life - Thank you! I'm so glad that you liked the post -- and thank you so much for including it in the list of 25 simple and healthy habits. :) That's awesome!

[Jonathan Campbell]

The best things in world is laughing as your falling asleep... I'm working on how to achieve that more.

[Positively Present]

Jonathan - That is one of the best feelings in the world. :) I'm going to work toward that more myself!

[Linda Wolf]

This is a great post - I have never heard of waking up laughing! I'm definitely on a track to waking up happy, or at least grateful, which is far far better than the dread and anxiety and misery that used to be my waking companions. Thanks for the uplifting topic.

[Positively Present]

Linda - Thanks so much! I'd never heard of it before either, but it was awesome. That's so great that you wake up happy and/or grateful. Those are two really fantastic ways to start your day. I'm glad you liked the post!

[Catherine]

What an awesome post you have here Dani. Waking up laughing happens to me from time to time and since out-of-the-ordinary occurs in my life, I never gave it a thought, except for "that's weird"; I was going thru a rough patch at the time.

Your list is so on the money and I can definitely relate to them, particularly points 3 and 4. I had a great therapist 4 years ago and she helped me change my life around.

It's very true as well that we can find the funny side in any situation - I come from a culture where laughter is the cure-all - which is not always appreciated. For instance as a kid, I remember laughing at a funeral and being put out of the cemetery.

We humans are too ridiculously serious.

Good post!

[Positively Present]

Catherine - Thank you so much for your comment! Laughter is so important and it can be a great way to deal with both positive AND negative things in your life. I agree that humans are much too serious and we really need to have more fun -- and laughter! -- in our lives!

[J.D. Meier]

It's a simple guideline, but I simply spend more time with people and things that jazz me and less time with people and things that don't.

[Syd]

When I ask myself the first question about do the people in my life uplift me, I have to say, "sometimes". Being around alcoholism isn't a picnic and recovering alcoholics may still have many of the "isms" of the disease. There are days of joy and times when I just want to get away. I don't think that every moment when dealing with people can be happy but I can choose to be happy even when they aren't. That's the difference.

[Positively Present]

J.D. - Exactly the way to do it! If you surround yourself with people and things that make you happy, you'll be in a much better place.

Syd - I agree that sometimes we have people in our lives that just don't bring us happiness all the time -- and that's okay. What you've brought up is SUCH an important point. Even though you might have to be around those who aren't uplifting, YOU can choose to be happy. Excellent insight!

[Jennifer Woodard]

I am so very happy for you. I don't remember waking up laughing but I can remember a time when I woke up happy and ready for the world. It seems like such a long time ago and that it will never reappear again. Most days I just wake up, not depressed as I have in the past. I am spent a many of days crying and waking up thinking damn not again. These days I just wake up, tired but not unhappy and I find that a blessing after spending almost 7 years in a depression. I would like to find a way to inner happiness, it seems to do a wonderful way of hiding from me. There was a time when I hated being me and this was strange because before I went through some deep and tragic things in my life I had always no matter what enjoyed being me. I took the good with the bad, but it never shook my sense of self. When I lost my sense of self I sank into a deep depression and it took a very long time to get out of it. I am happy that I no longer hate being me, I enjoy me again, just not happy. Hopefully happiness will find its way back home in my life real soon and one day I will wake up laughing, it is definitely something to look forward to.

[Positively Present]

Jennifer - Not too long ago I wrote a post about the difference between happy and "not unhappy." It sounds like you're in a state of "not unhappiness," in which you're not terribly unhappy, but you're not necessarily happy either. I've spent a lot of time in that state so I know how frustrating it can be. Happiness is within you -- not outside of you -- and I know if you look inside yourself you WILL find it. Thanks for your comment. I really appreciate the feedback and you sharing your experience.

[Some Name]

Well, I laugh ironically, which is worse, than crying. But, oh, I don't know :D I think, some people enjoy being sad on a certain level. And yes, I laugh about it and I mean it, it's a funny funny thing indeed. It's all good as long as it is a laughter.

[Positively Present]

Some Name - Interesting point about ironic laughter. It's definitely quite different than real, heartfelt laughing. I agree that some people enjoy being sad on a certain level (I was certainly one of those people for a long, long time), and I believe sadness is important for a variety of reasons. Sadness should not be ignored, but, instead, dealt with. One of the ways to deal with sadness is to find joy in situations, even the joy in sadness.