h is for happy: benefiting from a happiness project

 (♥)
 

"There is no duty we so much as underrate as the duty of being happy."

Robert Louis Stevenson

Monday night I went to a book signing for Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project. After over a year of reading Gretchen's blog -- also titled The Happiness Project -- communicating with Gretchen via email (she was so helpful when I first started this blog and had tons of questions), and anticipating the arrival of Gretchen's book, it was great to finally meet the creator of the blog and author of the book in person. It's pretty cool when you get to meet someone in person who has inspired you (for more on how I was inspired, check out one of my very first posts, "Inspiration: The Happiness Project") and I'm very grateful for the opportunity to do that and to reflect on it in this post. Without Gretchen's inspiration, I'm pretty sure there would be no Positively Present, a thought I cannot even fathom now that I've grown so attached to my beloved blog.

Shortly before attending the book signing, I discovered that this week is the 9th Annual Hunt for Happiness Week, and what could have been better than to hunt for happiness in Gretchen's The Happiness Project? (To read more about Hunt for Happiness week, click here and don't forget to check out the 31 Types of Happiness.) I decided to take another look at Gretchen's book and pick out all of the things that really stuck out to me, the things that made me realizing that I was, in fact, benefiting from her happiness project. Over the past year I've learned a lot about happiness from Gretchen's blog posts and it was great to have all of that information in hand, in a neatly organized book form. With the book, I could easily flip through the pages and find all of the underlined passages, all of the places Gretchen's words (or the words of others, quoted by Gretchen) had truly spoken to me.

Since it would probably take a long, long time to go through all of my favorite lines in the book, I've decided to highlight a few of the messages that really stuck out to me when reading The Happiness Project. Many of these points I'd read about before on Gretchen's blog, but something about holding them in my hand and seeing them in the pages of her (very popular!) book made them seem more real and made me realize how truly important they are. Reading the blog and book have been very useful for me, and I've benefited a great deal from being exposed to Gretchen's insights. Here are a few of my favorites, the ones I feel like I benefited from most:

The Best of The Happiness Project

"To be happy, I need to think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right in an atmosphere of growth."

This is one of Gretchen's key points and she comes back to it over and over again in her book and on her blog. I think about this and I realize that it's really important. When you're working on your own happiness project (as I am, in a way, through this blog), it's essential to understand what makes you feel good, what makes you feel bad, and what makes you feel right. These sound like such basic things, but, really, most of us don't think all that much about them. One thing I've learned from being in therapy over the past year is to really pay attention to my body. When I find that I'm angry or irritated, I start thinking about my body and often find that there are external factors that are making me feel even more aggravated (like being cold or hungry) and these are things I can change. Recognizing what makes me feel bad --such as being too hungry -- helps me to make myself feel better by, for example, taking a break from what I'm working on a grabbing a snack. This is a small example, but it really goes to show that simply paying attention to what makes us feel good and bad can make a huge difference in our lives. In addition, I really got a lot out of what Gretchen wrote about "an atmosphere of growth." Learning and growing are things that have always been important to me, but it wasn't until recently that I realized just how important they are when it comes to having a happiness project. Growth can be scary at times, but it really is an important aspect of living a positive life.


"But the fact is, you can't change anyone but yourself."

It's hard for a lot of people to realize this one, but it's so, so true. It's often very tempting to believe that we can change others. After all, sometimes we can make subtle differences that make it seem as if we're changing them. However, over the past year, as I've done quite a bit of changing, I've really come to realize that, contrary to what I might want to believe sometimes, you really can't change anyone but yourself. And I've found that that can be one of the most frustrating things about having happiness project (or even simply being invested in personal development): no matter how much you change, that doesn't mean those around you are going to change. Likewise, no matter how much you choose to focus on happiness and positivity, it doesn't mean those around you will do the same. What it really comes down to is acceptance. You have to accept others for who they are and you have to surround yourself with people who accept you for who you are. Through the various interviews and blog posts on Gretchen's site, I've learned a lot about different people think about happiness. Happiness can be a very unique thing and what makes one person happy might not make another person happy. While a happiness project can be a great thing, filled with tons of benefits, it can also be really hard to make changes in your life when those around you aren't at all interested in making them. It's tempting to want to change other people, even to think you know it would be best for them to change, but, as Gretchen said, you really can't change anyone but yourself.

"One reason that challenge brings happiness is that is allows you to expand your self-definition. You become larger." 

About a year ago when I really started thinking about happiness (and how unhappy I was), I found that, as Gretchen suggests, my self-definition really did change. I was turning into someone else, and, as the quote above says, I found that I was becoming larger. I was beginning to see the world from different angles and to understand that happiness and positivity were based on a variety of factors, some of which were out of my control. While I desired to be happy, I also recognized that it presented a really big challenge for me. Undertaking the challenge was, in and of itself, an act that caused me to growth and expand as a person. Now that I'm here, nearly a year after starting this blog, I realize that who I am has changed significantly. The way I define myself -- my self-definition -- has shifted and I have begun not only to think of myself differently, but to see the world and others through a new perspective as well. Because I really work on being happier (and, yes, it's a lot of hard work!), I don't take my happiness for granted. I see it as a part of who I am, but also as something separate from myself, something that I've worked hard to achieve. Over the past year, I've most certainly become a larger person. My view of the world is bigger and it's growing every day. One of the greatest benefits of having a happiness project is that I'm constantly challenging myself and urging myself to see the good in situations I normally would see as negative (see Monday's post). I've grown more in the past year than I can ever remember growing and I think a great deal of that has to do with my desire to live a more positive lifestyle.

"Experts say that denying bad feelings intensifies them; acknowledging bad feelings allows good feelings to return." 

On Positively Present, I write a lot about positivity and how to focus on it. However, as Gretchen mentioned in her book, it's not healthy to focus only on the positive things in life. Ignoring the negative or bad things in life is not a good strategy because, as anyone who has tried this already knows (or will soon find out), those negative things always resurface if not dealt with properly. Right now I'm reading about this concept in Positivity: Top-Notch Research Reveals the 3 to 1 Ratio That Will Change Your Life, and it really highlights the idea that Gretchen brings up here: you cannot focus only on the good things. As nice as it seems that would be, positivity and happiness don't work that way. If you focus only the good things, you're denying the bad things and, as research has shown, this only intensifies them. When I first started thinking about positivity and how I wanted more of it in my life, my initial react was to push all of the bad thoughts away. Of course, this didn't go over so well and, not surprisingly, they quickly crept back to the surface, intensified by my determined avoidance. Now I see that it's so important to deal with the bad feelings and situations. Sometimes it really isn't pleasant and I'd much rather be sweeping them under the rug and plastering a smile to my face, but I always feel a lot better when I deal with the negative. I feel much more positive when I take care of the dealing with the bad things and that positivity gives me a big boost when it comes to facing the good things in my life.


"Act the way I want to feel." 

This quote is symbolic of one of the greatest benefits I've received from reading Gretchen's blog and the book The Happiness Project. I've always thought to myself that if you are acting a way you're not feeling than you're simply faking it and I've always wondered what the point of that would be. Why fake it? I used to ask myself when I was sinking into an irritated funk. I used to rationalize that it was just best to be who I was and not to play any games with my emotions. While it made sense to me at that time, I now realize that that's not the best plan of attack. According to Gretchen (and, as I've discovered myself from giving it a try), when you act the way you want to feel, you actually start to feel that way. If I find myself slipping into a bad mood, I do my best to act happy and, you know what? I actually find that I am happier. This sounds like it might contradict the earlier point of ignoring bad feelings, but it actually works with it. While it's not a good idea to ignore your negative emotions, there are often times when dwelling on them doesn't do any good. If you find yourself in a bad mood and you think to yourself, "I really want to be happy right now," start acting as if you're happy. You may still have issues to deal with (such as why it is that you've found yourself in a bad mood), but having a happy attitude will make dealing with any negative situation a lot more pleasant. And if being happy is too much for you, just try being positive and looking for the good in the situation. Whenever I look for the good in a bad situation (and, yep, this can take a lot of effort on my part sometimes), I instantly feel better. It might sound silly or as if wouldn't work, but I swear that when I start acting the way I want to feel, I actually start feeling that way.


"One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy. One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself."

When I read this is feels a bit like a tongue-twister for my mind. I have to be happy to make other people happy? But making other people happy will make me happy? I have to admit that the first time I read this it felt a little bit of chicken-and-the-egg syndrome. Which comes first? Making other other people happy? Or making myself happy so that I can then make other people happy? Personally, I think they go hand-in-hand. When I first started working on my own version of a happiness project, I admittedly was a bit self-absorbed. I was intent on finding all of the ways I could make myself happier and live a more positive life. When I read this line one day on Gretchen's blog, it was a real eye-opener for me. I realized that, while it was very important to focus on my own happiness and figure out what would make my life more positive, it was equally as important to make other people as well. I began doing what I could to spread positivity and to share what I was learning about happiness with others. One of the ways I began working on sharing my happiness was through my blog. My experience with blogging mirrors Gretchen's, which she wrote about in her book: "My blog gave me a new identity, new skills, a new set of colleagues, and a way to connect with people who shared my interest. I'd expanded my vision of the kind of writer I could be. I had become a blogger." In becoming a blogger, I had made myself happier and I'd found a way to share my experiences with positivity with others.

As you can see, there are some great points about happiness made in Gretchen's book The Happiness Project. Over the past year I've learned a great deal not only about Gretchen's happiness project, but about what it means to have a focus on happiness, to have a happiness project of my own. What's so great about the happiness project idea is that everyone's happiness project can be (and probably should be!) unique. Gretchen's always making the point on her blog (and in the book) that happiness is different for everyone. What makes one person happy won't necessarily make another person happy. Once we realize this and begin focusing on increasing our own personal happiness, it becomes clear that we all have the ability to have a happiness project that is a perfect fit for us.

Personally, I find that focusing on living positively in the present moment is something that works best for me. That underlying principle is put to work in my blog, in my daily interacts with others, and in a number of other creative avenues that help me to create a happier environment for myself. Would I say that having a unique, tailored happiness project of my own has brought me many, many benefits that outweigh all of the hard work I put in? Hell yeah! Having a happiness project -- a focus on how I can make my life and the lives of those around me better -- has changed my life in more ways than I can even begin to state. And it's amazing to consider the ripple effect of a happiness project. After reading about what Gretchen was doing on her site, The Happiness Project, I was inspired to create a site of my own that would focus on my own personal journey toward a more positive life. And who knows? Maybe someone reading this post today will be inspired and another happiness project will begin...

Do you have a happiness project of your own?
If so, what is it and how to do you benefit from it?

Comments

[Steven]

I had no idea you were so inspired by Gretchen! I have been to her site before and it is really great. Thanks for sharing all these lessons with us. It is very helpful stuff. :)

[Ken Kurosawa]

"But the fact is, you can't change anyone but yourself."
So true. We work so hard to change others, when the best thing to do is change yourself.

[Positively Present]

Steven - She's definitely been an inspiration for me. Her site helped me through some tough times and inspired me to start Positively Present last February!

Ken - It really is true. And, as you said, we often work really hard to change other people when it's better to focus on how we might be able to change ourselves.

[Hayden Tompkins]

Being able to meet someone who has inspired you? That some happiness right there!

I love your last happiness point and it's something I noticed the most with my love muffin. When I am happy, he is SO happy and making him happy makes me happy.

It is hard to wrap your brain around it, especially since it has the slightest aroma of codependency...but it really isn't. Because it is that way with just about everyone we interact with.

Your happiness project has added so much to others and so, of course, it makes you happy! :)

[Positively Present]

Hayden - It's definitely a happy thing to meet someone who has inspired you and not many people are lucky enough to have that experience. I also really like the last point about happiness because, like you, I can see it in action and it's a great thing to see! My personal happiness project definitely makes me happy and it's such a bonus that it can make others happy too! :)

[Mummy Zen]

Wow lucky you, getting to meet Gretchen and attend one of her book signings! I also find her a great inspiration and am a regular reader of her blog. I'm still waiting for my copy of the book to come from Amazon and look forward to reading it.

I like the way you interpreted the last point in your list and related that to your blogging, sharing your happiness with others and in turn becoming happier yourself.

[Tess The Bold Life]

Dani,
Yeah for you for your determination and dedication. I'm getting the book because of your blog. So many good points and so much happiness. Who wouldn't want a part of it?!?

[Eran - The Quarterlife Quest]

I just bought Gretchen's book yesterday and now you've posted on it - crazy! Looking forward to delving into it :)

[Positively Present]

Mummy Zen - I'm definitely lucky to have met someone who inspires me. It's not every day that I get to do that! I'm sure you'll enjoy the book once it arrives. :)

Tess - I hope you like the book! There are a lot of great insights in it (as well as on Gretchen's blog) and I definitely think you'll get something out of it.

Eran - How funny is that?! We're on the same page, I guess! I'm sure you'll enjoy delving in and reading Gretchen's insights on happiness.

[Jodi]

Great post I'll definitely check this book out :)

[Sami - Life, Laughs & Lemmings]

Some very interesting points you (and Gretchen) bring up, Dani. Your comment; "I began doing what I could to spread positivity and to share what I was learning about happiness with others" and how it changed your self-identity resonated with me. I've found that by developing my Daisy List on my blog and writing about each dream or goal I've ticked off has not only changed who I am and what I'm achieving but has also given me much happiness (and hopefully a few laughs for everyone else).

It seems your positivity/happiness journey has come full circle, given you met in person someone who impacted you in such a big way as you were navigating your way through.

[Rocky]

One of my biggest goals in my life is to meet all my favorite authors! It's so cool you got to meet one of yours, Dani. =)

And I totally agree with it is only ourselves we can change. Once we start accepting others for the awesomeness they are, life is more fun !

[J.D. Meier]

Changing yourself is the key to results.

One way to look at change is whether you should change you or the situation or just avoid the situation altogether.

[Lance]

Hi Dani,
I have definitely found that when I can make others happy in some way, it raises my own happiness too. And what a great feeling!! Thanks for sharing all of this!

[Megan "JoyGirl!" Bord]

How cool that you were able to meet Gretchen, and the book sounds awesome!

[Positively Present]

Jodi - It's certainly worth reading -- especially if you're interested in a happiness project of your own!

Sami - I'm glad to hear that point resonated with you because it's definitely one of the key elements of having a happiness (or, in my case, positivity) project. I love reading about your Daisy List and I think it's awesome that you're doing that. Very inspiring!

Rocky - It was definitely a cool experience and, as Sami mentioned in her comment, it really did feel like things were coming full circle when I got to meet the inspiration for my blog, almost 1 year after I started blogging. And I agree that once we start accepting others, life really does become a lot more awesome!

J.D. - I agree! It's SO hard to change sometimes, but it really is the only way (at least in my experience) to get results. I like the way you think about it: do you need to change yourself, the situation, or avoid the situation? Great way of thinking about things!

Megan - Isn't it? I was really excited to have an opportunity to meet her. The book is definitely worth a read. You should check it out!

[Joanne]

How great that you were able to meet Gretchen at her signing! She is truly an inspiration, encouraging us all to find and recognize happiness in our lives. You might be interested in her thoughts on making happiness her way of life over at my blog today!

[Peter de Kock]

Sounds like you are very happy with what you learned from Gretchen. Thanks for sharing. I do not believe in the feeling good and feeling bad stuff. Here is what I think about it.

Feelings are just feelings like sadness, anger, fear, pain and happiness. Labelling feelings as good or bad, does not help to really feel the feelings. Feeling sad is as valuable as feeling happy. Labelling feelings as feeling good or feeling bad causes people to fight the 'bad' feelings. Really feeling the sadness, the anger, the pain is a blessing in disguise. Connecting the feelings with unmet needs (non violent communication by Marshall Rosenberg) makes a person responsible for taking care of his/her needs.

Feeling good is not a feeling, feeling bad is not a feeling. Feeling good and feeling bad is judging the feelings.

[Positively Present]

Joanne - It was pretty great to meet someone as inspiring as Gretchen! And it was so interesting to read her book too and see how we actually had a lot of things in comment. I'll definitely check out your blog post today!

Peter - Great point about how the actually feeling of good and bad are the judgments we place on those emotions. Emotions are what they are and they only become feelings when we judge them. It's important to recognize that and I'm glad you brought that point up!

[All Women Stalker]

You met Gretchen? You are lucky! That is pure happiness in itself :)

[Positively Present]

Meream - I agree! It was awesome to meet someone who had inspired me so much. Definitely a happy moment! :)

[Syd]

I think that my blog is a happiness project as are my Al-Anon meetings. And my sailboat is a happiness project in and of itself.
I spent a long time thinking that I could make someone else happy so now I'm concentrating on making myself that way.

[Positively Present]

Syd - Blogs are definitely great happiness projects, as is Al-Anon. Both provide healthy outlets for you to express yourself. And, as you mention, the sailboat sounds like it's a great source of happiness for you as well. It really seems like you're doing a great job working on your own happiness!