stop asking. start living.

 

(♥)

"Have patience with everything that
remains unsolved in your heart.
Try to love the questions themselves,
like locked rooms and like books
written in a foreign language.

Do not now look for the answers.
They cannot now be given to you
because you could not live them.
It is a question of experiencing everything.

At present you need to live the question.
Perhaps you will gradually,
without even noticing it, find yourself
experiencing the answer."

Rainer Maria Rilke

 

 

Lately I've been asking myself a lot of questions. As I cruise through my twenties, I'm trying to figure everything out. I'm trying to figure out my career, my relationships, my likes and dislikes, and, most importantly, my place in this world. At times it can be overwhelming and I find my mind racing with questions, my thoughts filled with queries that lack answers.

Today I've decided to get to the bottom of these questions -- not necessarily by finding the answers to them, but by really thinking about them. As I find myself wondering and wondering, I have to ask myself the big question: "How much of this really matters?" When I reflect on what my overall goal is in life -- to positively live a life of purpose -- I realize that not all of the questions racing around in my head need answers. In fact, many of the questions I find myself struggling with don't even really need to be asked. Nonetheless, I often feel like I'm a little kid, still trying to figure out the world. I want to know -- always -- the big question: "Why?" I find myself pondering: Why do certain things happen to me? Why do others not happen to me? Why am I not experiencing the dream career I thought I'd have by now? Why am I so lucky to have great people in my life? Why am I living where I am, doing what it is that I do? Why do I love this and hate that? Why is my mind always racing with questions? Why, why, why...

There are so many "whys" in my life and sometimes it's very, very frustrating when I start questioning myself, my life, and the world around me. As you've probably found when you've asked yourself those big "life" questions, the answers aren't always easy to find (if, in some cases, there are even answers at all...). Being the impatient girl that I am, it's not always easy for me to deal with these unanswered questions. I want answers and I want them now. Sure, this is that living-in-the-moment attitude, but it's not really helping me to get answers -- or to be content with the fact that I may not always have (or ever get!) answers.

This week in therapy I found myself asking a lot -- and I do mean a lot of questions. It was that session that actually got me started thinking about questions. I was wondering a lot about my job and how I was going to either change it or change my attitude about it. I was wondering about my future, about my life, about this path that I seem to be heading down. As all of these questions were racing around my brain and popping out of my mouth, my therapist turned it around on me and asked me two questions, questions she's asked me before but that somehow struck me as particularly important right now. She said to me calmly as I was frantically spitting out question after question:

"What do you want?
How are you going to get it?"

 

Those really are the questions. What else is there? (Another question!) I need to know what I want from life (something I'm still unsure of at times) and I need to figure out how I'm going to go about getting it. I can narrow almost everything down to those two questions. When I think about my career, my relationships, my life in general, they can all be summed up with those two questions. What I want and what I'm going to do to get it are the two things I must focus on. They are the answers to all of the questions because they are, in essence, the culmination of all of the many, many questions I find myself pondering day after day. But even though I know I will need to focus more on these two questions, I also know that the answers aren't going to be easy. And, to be honest, I'm starting to realize that the answers aren't necessarily the point.  

I decided to take a look at the quote above and re-read this: "At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer." Reading that makes me realize that I don't necessarily need the answers to my questions. Rather, I need to experience them. I need to experience what I want and how I'm going to get it. As one of my favorite characters in the film Dazed and Confused says, "You just gotta keep livin' man. L-I-V-I-N."  Instead of simply asking myself questions, I need to start living them.

What questions do you often ask yourself?
Are you living your questions?

Comments

[Eduard @ Ideas With A Kick]

This must be poetry day. It's the third one I've read on a personal development blog. And I'm enjoying it :)

[Tess The Bold Life]

And in living the questions the answers will come!

[rachel]

"Are you living your questions?"

I love this!! I always think I have to have everything figured out, and a plan a, b, c...z! I get quite anxious about it...but so much of life is unkown and full of change I think all we can do is ultimately embrace it. Know what we know and keep questioning! :)

[positively present]

Eduard - Must be! I found that one looking for a quote about questions and it really stuck with me. Now I'm thinking about my life questions in a totally different way.

Tess - Absolutely! Living the questions is the best way to get the answers.

Rachel - Thank you! I'm so glad you like the post! I also get quite anxious about trying to have everything figured out and all of that anxiety never does me any good. It's important to ask questions and be curious, but it's also essential that we realize that the quest for the answers is actually what life's all about.

[Victoria]

What a great post! I always enjoy reading your blog and realized that I should let you know that.

You're right that these are really the ONLY two questions in life, and I'm taking them home tonight to discuss with my loved ones.

Thank you.

[Catherine]

Great post Dani. Love the Rilke quotation, thank you for that, I'm going to try taking this to heart.

I tend to pester myself with questions, particularly about my place in the world and how to find a new calling, and like you I want answers NOW.

What I find difficult is balancing both having goals and working towards their attainment, while at the same time accepting my present circumstances and just living in and appreciating them. Often, in my experience, desired change happens in its own time, not necessarily when I want it to. But just getting on with life in the meantime has helped me be better prepared for the change when it arrives.

Also, answers to questions create their own new questions. Like you say, it's a process that just unfolds throughout life.

[positively present]

Victoria - Thank you! I'm so glad that you enjoy reading the blog. You put a big smile on my face with your ceomment!

Catherine - Thanks! I was definitely happy to find that quote. It really help to put my desire for answers now in perspective. It's definitely difficult to balance having/working toward goals with living in the present. Great point about how questions create questions!

[Joanne]

Great advice, to live the questions. It seems that's what so much of life is, a great exploration, full of wonder!

[Dawn]

If I could go back and talk to my 20year old self...the one piece of advice I would give her...is to listen. Listen to your gut...when something doesn't feel right, even if you think you really really want it, iti is not in alingnment with what you truly want or who you are.

It is what I have learned through my 30's...and now, I am approaching 40. It has taken me a long time to learn to listen to myself...and through that I have been able to let go of toxic people, embrace my own unique self, and move forward with more joy and peace...even though it is sometimes difficult.

When you find yourself struggling...with what you are doing and what you want...step back, be quiet, and listen. You already have the answer, you just need to listen for it.

[positively present]

Joanne - I agree! When I read that quote, I realized that it really is important to live the questions we're asking ourselves.

Dawn - That's GREAT advice. Listening to your heart, if you will, is something I should have done more of when I was 20 and still should do more of today. I've done a lot of things that aren't aligned with who I truly am I know that I want to stop doing those things if possible (such as my job, which doesn't leave me feeling fulfilled). Listening to yourself is definitely a very hard thing to do and I'm still struggling with it, but I'm getting better and better at it as I get older. I love the closing line of your comment -- "You already have the answer, you just need to listen for it." -- because it is so, so true. Thank you for sharing your wonderful advice, Dawn!

[lisa]

thanks for this rich post, Dani. and i always love love nudges from Rilke!

for what it's worth - the same questions continue for me in my 50's. years ago i was describing a similar set of questions to my spiritual director. he was 83 and has since passed on. i told him "i feel like i'm in THAT place of knowing, of being exactly what & who i'm meant to be for about 3 minutes a months (not necessarily consecutive minutes...)". he said he was up to 4 and a half minutes.

i say all that to remind you of what you already know - we are meant to live in The Gap (not the store). The Gap between what is and what's not.

i celebrate you and your wise old soul.

May we all LIVE all the days of our life.

[positively present]

Lisa - What a great comment! I love the story about the spiritual director. I think that's true. No matter where you are in your life, you're always thinking about what could be, what you want things to be, what you think should be. There are always questions and that's okay. I've always tried to live with and accept what is, but I'm very interested in what you call "The Gap" -- this place between what is and what is not. Thank you so much for making me think with this comment. Your insights are very appreciated!

[Meg at Demanding Joy]

Thanks for such a thought-provoking post. I loved loved loved turning 30 because it was the first time that I felt I had some of the answers about myself. Now I'm 36 and I'm looking forward to turning 40 because I have a whole new set of questions. So I suppose the lesson is to let go and enjoy and gather the wisdom along the way.

[Nelia]

What question do I ask myself : Am I making a meaningful contribution?
Do I live my question : Absolutely.

I agree with Meg. This is a thought-provoking post. But are those the *only* questions? And why is it about getting? Can't it be about exchanging? Or perhaps even, giving?

I'd like to understand more about why you've chosen to emphasize these questions above all others...

[positively present]

Meg - You're welcome! I've often heard my parents say that 30 was a great age because it's in your 30s that you're more settled in what you want to do and you have a lot of the answers to your big life questions. I think we're always coming up with more questions and, in turn, more answers! The quote above really inspired me to think about why I'm asking the questions and how I can live with them as actions instead of just looming unknowns.

Nelia - That's a GREAT question to ask yourself and I also find myself asking that, wondering, "What is it that I'm really doing for the world?" I see what you're saying about those not being the only questions, but I think of it in terms of what someone wants from life, which, in many cases is to give back or to live in harmony with the world. Wanting isn't always a selfish thing, though I agree that the word "want" often connotes very negative images. Wanting to be happy and working to make that happen is actually something that will ultimate make the world a better place because happiness has a ripple effect. I chose to emphasize these questions because, as you can see, wanting can mean so many things. Yes, some of the things I want for my life are selfish, but most of them are not (and even the selfish ones may ultimately result in a better world around me). The question "What do I want?" can also be phrased as "What is important to me?" or "What can I do to make my life and the world better?"

[Nelia]

1. Re want. We're on the same page. I don't have any problem with the word "want." And what's more, I'm all about selfishness. In my opinion, it's the only true currency.

2. Re emphasis. Got it. Thanks for taking a moment to explain.

This is a great post. I made certain to ask and answer my questions this morning!

[Hayden Tompkins]

I think marinating in "why" can be an amazing process. May I also suggest, at some future point when you are totally ready, moving on to a "zero introspection" stage?

That's what I'm doing now and I am SO HAPPY. I'm not figuring anything out, looking at the bigger picture, or doing any kind of soul searching...well, for a while at least.

It has been a very good 'vacation'!

I do think all those questions are important and I hope you enjoy this voyage of wonderment and exploration. It is a heart connected longing you have and a question that deserves your love and attention. (Love especially!)

[J.D. Meier]

Strangely, one of the simplest questions that always helps me find a better path is, "What do you want to spend more time doing?"

Just tackling that head on, gets me back in the zone.

[Ralph]

Great post! A few ago I went through a similar phase where I was constantly asking myself questions about every part of my life. I found many answers but what I learned is that it the "why" isn't as important as what we are doing about it.

I used to wonder about what I wanted. I would come up with something and then think "nah, I don't want that because..." The truth is I did want that or something similar or else I wouldn't have thought about it. Instead of talking myself out of it, I should have pursed it, obtained it, and moved on to something better.

Thanks for posting!

[positively present]

Hayden - Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting! It means a lot to me to get your feedback and to see you're still around on the web. :) I love your idea of a "zero introspection" stage and I think that's just what I need right now. I need to stop asking so many questions and just BE. It's important to be curious and interested in life, but it doesn't hurt to take a break every once and awhile and just relax into the moment. Thanks for that little bit of inspiration!

J.D. - That's an excellent question and the second I read it, I knew the answer, which is a sure sign that I know what it is that I want out of life. The first thing that popped into my mind was "Reading and writing!" and that's exactly what I need to be doing more of to make myself happy. Thanks for really putting it into perspective for me by bringing up that question!

Ralph - Thanks! I agree that the "why" isn't as important as the "what," which is what my therapist has really helped me to focus on. The two questions she asked me really get to the heart of what it is I'm going to do about what I want in life. Sitting around thinking about it all the time isn't going to get me very far! You also raise an important point about listening to your intuition. If something comes immediately to mind (as it did for me when I read J.D.'s comment), it usually means something and it's important to stick with it.

[Syd]

I ask myself how well am I balancing things? Am I trying to do too much? Those are the things that I struggle with. I tend to take on way too much and am striving to say NO more.

[positively present]

Syd - The balance question is a great one. A lot of people really struggle with saying no. I have no problem saying no to other people, but I do have a hard time when it comes to myself. When I get an idea, I want to tackle it instantly and sometimes it just adds more stress to my life. Balance is key!