let go & let it in: how to stop being afraid of love

(♥)

"The end of fear is where we begin the moment we decided to let love in
There's nothing we can do about the things we have to do without
The only way to feel again is let love in."

Goo Goo Dolls

If you were sitting in a room filled of people and asked, "How many of you want to be in love?" I bet you wouldn't be at all surprised if most hands in the room shot up quickly and without hesitation. Whether or not we think about it on a daily basis, love is something we all want. In fact, most things we work toward in life are based on the idea of wanting love and acceptance. We want to be successful and well-liked, but, above all, what we all really want is to be loved. However, much as we all want it, so many of us are actually really scared to get it. The way some people feel about love reminds me of the way my dog Bella acts when you give her a bone. She really wants the bone, but when you hand it to her, she won't take it. For whatever reason, she shiess away from it, looking at it warily from the corner of her eye. If you set it down on the floor, she'll run up to it and snatch it quickly, trotting it over to the couch or carpet where she promptly begins chewing. She wants the bone -- she really does -- but for some reasons she's scared of it. A lot of people are like that when it comes to love.

If you're lucky enough to be offered love, it doesn't always mean that you're going to welcome it into your life with open arms. Like my pup Bella, you may look at it from the corner of your eye, sizing it up and wondering whether or not you should take it. Why? Because you're afraid. Many, many people are afraid to love because they are afraid of getting hurt or they're afraid their not good enough or they're afraid they aren't capable of love themselves or they're afraid for reasons I've never heard of or reasons that are uniquely their own. In the past I've struggled with accepting love in my life. Like everyone, I've desperately wanted love, but, like so many, I've had difficulty letting others get close to me. Why? Because I was afraid that, inevitably, they would hurt me. Just like Bella with the bone, I was afraid of taking something I knew I wanted for fear that I would be hurt by it. (Also like Bella, once the love was left there for me to take from the safety of the floor, no longer being waved in my face, I found that I could reach down and grab it on my own, at my own pace.)

For a very long time, I was afraid of love. That doesn't mean I wasn't in love or I wasn't spending time loving others, but it does mean that during those times I was living in fear. I was loving but, at the same time, I was so afraid of losing. I held back for fear of love's loss holding me back. For me, and for many others,  letting love into my life was really difficult. It seems silly because, when you think about it, who wouldn't want love? We all want it but, for a variety of reasons, it can sometimes feel like the hardest thing in the world -- even when the love itself feels so good. I've found that letting love in can actually require you to be brave, to open up to someone else in a way that you never thought you wanted to, and to believe that you can trust another person. Doing these things can be very challenging and, positive as love can be, the potential loss of it can also be very intimidating.

Let's bring it back to Bella, shall we? Anyone who has a pet knows that, at some point, that pet is going to die. My sweet little Bella is turning six next month and that means that, quite possibly, about half her life is over. Now, that sounds like an incredibly morbid thought I know, but think about it this way: just because I know my best buddy is going to die does that mean I'm going to stop loving her and playing with her and spending as much time with her as I can? Just because I know she's going to be gone at some point (yep, my eyes are welling up already at the thought of it) and I will be heartbroken, does that mean I shouldn't allow her little awesomeness to be a part of my life? No. Knowing that I'm going to lose her, in fact,  makes me love her all the more and makes me take extra care with making the most of my time with her (what if we thought that way with all of our relationships?).

The point is: losing love sucks and I don't disagree with that for a minute. Cliche as it might be, that old quote "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" really is true. Losing love can be terrible and terrifying, but does it mean we shouldn't love? Certainly not! I understand from experience how hard it can be to open your heart and mind to the idea of love, but every second of love is worth it, even if it ends in heartache. So, when faced with the sometimes scary opportunity of letting love into your life, ask yourself these questions:

1. What do I really have to lose? It might seem like you have a lot to lose if you're considering your last heartbreak or thinking about all of those media-generated images of people who have had their hearts broken, but, really, what is it that you will lose if you actually let someone love you and it doesn't work out? You'll have to deal with some difficult times and you'll certainly feel rough at some points, but will it be the end of the world? No. You will survive and, if you hold back and don't let love in, you will have missed out on all of the wonderful things that come along with being in love. It can be very easy to focus on the negatives in any situation when you feel afraid. It can be much easier to just steer clear of anything that might potential make you feel bad, but, when you think about it logically, the good most often overrides the bad when it comes to love. 
   
   
2. What's the worst that could happen? I know a broken heart may seem like the worse thing that could happen (and, yes, it's up there in terms of pain), but will you be unable to go on if you let love in and it doesn't work out the way you planned? Nope. You'll be able to survive. As wonderful and amazing and inspiring as love is, it's not everything when it comes to life. Life is about so many things and, while love does play a big part in many aspects of life, without it you won't wither away and die. Without it, your life won't have lost it's meaning. Whatever you think the worst thing that could happen is, remember that love is better than that and it's worth the risk. Every single time.
   
   
3. What can I gain from love? Now, let's focus on the positives for a moment. Love, as anyone who has ever been in love knows, is A-W-E-S-O-M-E. It's one of the best things ever. Not only does it make you feel like a million bucks, but it also has health benefits and generally puts you in a much better, more positive, frame of mind. You can gain a lot from love. When someone in your life really loves you, that person will be there to support you. That person will stand by you and lift you up when you're feeling down. Check out the post "9 Positive Aspects of Love" to read all about how you can benefit from love. Focusing on the positives may help you to see that love really is worth the risk of heartache.
   
   
4. What am I really afraid of? When you begin with the idea that you're afraid of love (or anything for that matter), it's important to take another look at your fear and really try to understand it. Are you afraid of letting love in because you don't trust people? Are you afraid of letting love in because you don't feel as though you love yourself? Are you afraid of letting love in because you don't know if you could really love someone else? There are many reasons you might be holding back and it's important to take a look at the reasons behind your fears and try to deal with those. If you have issues with trust or self-love, for example, it's important to focus on those and work toward understanding yourself better. Once you do that, it'll be a lot easier to let love into your life.
   
   
5. How can I let go of my fears? After you determine what you're really afraid of -- and, yes, you must really learn to listen to yourself and be completely 100% honest with yourself with this one -- you can begin to figure out how you can let go of your fears and focus on the positive aspects of love (which, in reality, out weigh the negatives, though it may not always seem that way if you're in heartbreak mode). Remember: even when things don't work out, all of those good love-powered highs will have been worth it. When you love someone, it may feel like you're giving away a part of yourself, but really you're simply allowing that part of yourself to go out into the world and grow stronger. You have much more to gain than you do to lose.

 

Once you've given those questions some thought, I bet you'll find that it will be a lot easier to let that love in. Like Bella with her bone, you might be scared to take love when it's offered to you. You might fear it will hurt you or you will hurt others or that, for whatever reason, you don't deserve it. You might struggle with trusting others, trusting yourself, or even trusting love. But listen up! Love is amazing. It's one of the best things in the whole world and it's not every day that it comes along and shines it's bright light on your world. If you're given the chance to love and be loved, take it. No matter how difficult it is, no matter what you have to do to make it happen, let go of your fears and let love in.

Do you struggle with accepting love?
How do you let love into your life?

Comments

[Megan "JoyGirl!" Bord]

The more we love, the better we get at it, and the more we realize that we never love in vain.

Good post!

[positively present]

Megan - That's so true! What a great way of putting it. And, you're so right, we never love in vain.

[Hulbert]

Hi Dani, this is a very profound post on love. I love your example with Bella and the bone, because I think human beings react in the same way as animals. For example, an owner can show a dog a bone and then take it away, teasing the dog. Some owners might think this is fun, and be ignorant of the fact that they are hurting the dog.

Some people like to "play" with others. They will show you love for a period of time, but when something else better comes a long, they will forget about you. Moreover, you can pour out your heart and soul to a person that you want to love, but never get the same response in return. I've done this before years and years ago, but that pain hurt so badly that it still painful when I think about it now.

I think the reasons above are the reasons why people don't want to get involved in love; it can be risky and hurtful, even years afterwords. Do people want to invest their time and energy into something that has a low return? I think that's the major question people ask themselves before getting involved with love.

But I do agree that when we can overcome our fear of love, life flips itself upside down. It's not as easy as just saying it; it takes practice of being more positive and grateful towards humanity and towards ourselves. When we can reach a point where we completely let love in, then I think everyday will be an amazing day to live.

[Precious D]

Bella is such a cutie. I love that you used her as an example.

This piece was spot on, like all your previous posts. Stumbled upon your blog a few days ago and have since been reading as many of your posts as i could fit into my day. LOVE positively present :)

[simply lisa]

Another awesome post you have here!! I just love the way you wrote your piece, it's always full of heart and honesty. .

Yes, it is indeed an indescribable feeling to love and be loved. It's one experience we should all have courage to risk when we are given the chance to love and connect with someone. . I ,too have my share of heartaches and yet when I look back, I don't feel any regret for loving. Oh yes, it still hurts, but I can live with it. The experience made me realized that love at times is complicated yet it shouldn't deter us to love again. Each experience will prepare us for something more beautiful and profound than the last one. =)

Note: Thanks Dani!, Your post helped me a lot in my quest to move forward and heal my broken heart. I'm struggling to be positive everyday and it really helps to read your posts as if you can read my thoughts and answers them quite well.

[positively present]

Hulbert - Thank you so much for your comment! You've brought up some great points about why people are afraid to be in love. People want to avoid risk and hurt and that makes a lot of sense. However, as I detailed in this post, we can get a LOT out of love if we really open ourselves up to it. Scary as this can be, in end it, it's worth it to have experienced loved. As you said, if we can completely let love in, every day will be amazing.

Precious D - Thanks! :) She's my little love. I'm so glad that you found Positively Present and that you've been enjoying the posts. That makes me very happy!!

Lisa - Thank you for your kind words! I really do appreciate the feedback. Love is an incredible experience, but it can definitely be a scary one at times. It can be hard to open up, but when you do, even if you get hurt, love is still wonderful. I'm so glad my posts have helped you. Being positive isn't easy (I still struggle with it!), but it's so important to make the effort and I'm so glad you're doing so. Thank you for reading and commenting!

[J.D. Meier]

Pets are like family and it's tough to squish all the love into the lifetime, but I think there's solace when you love them the best you can.

I think just like sometimes to enjoy a movie, you have to suspend disbelief. I think sometimes to get the most of life, you have to just suspend fear.

I really like the Jackson Brown quote -- "Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb. That’s where the fruit is."

[positively present]

J.D. - That's a great quote and SO perfect for this post. It can be scary to go out on a limb, but if you want the good stuff, the fruit, you have to take some risks. Thanks for the comment!

[Melissa Donovan]

Love is a little bit scary, and it also requires energy and effort to make a relationship work. But I find that most things in life that are worth doing involve some element of risk and effort.

[positively present]

Melissa - I completely agree. The best things in life require risk and effort. That's a great way of thinking about it -- and remembering that it's okay to be scared because usually the things that are the most rewarding are a bit scary too.

[Greta]

Yes yes yes. This is so good. May I tell you I love you?

[zmajeva]

We don't let love in our life, because we don't trust people, and that's because we don't have trust in ourselves! So everything about love can be solved if we start from there- work to become a better person, have trust in "self".

[Alex Blackwell]

Good stuff here, no doubt.

There have been times when I resisted love because I didn't feel worthy to receive it. Over time, and with a lot of healing, I have become more comfortable with accepting it's awesome gift and power to change my life.

Alex

[positively present]

Greta - Thank you! I'm so glad you liked it!! :)

Zmajeva - It can be hard to let people in and I understand the trust issues big time and, you're right, it all comes down to trusting in and loving in ourselves. Once we can do that, it becomes a lot easier to let others in.

Alex - Thanks! I think many people hesitate when it comes to love because they are suspicious of it and don't believe they deserve to have it, but I'm so glad to hear that you've become more comfortable accepting it in your life. That's a wonderful thing!

[S]

Recently I've discovered...no, accepted that I am afraid of love. I keep pushing someone away but then I pull them back it, it's a ridiculous relationship, technically it's not even a "relationship" but I'm still terrified.
It's going to take me awhile to get beyond it because it's stuck with me for so long, but you can't keep doing that to yourself or to the other person for that matter.

[positively present]

S - It's definitely a difficult thing to overcome -- being afraid of love -- but it is possible to do it. First you must work on trusting and loving yourself (which can be the hardest thing of all!). After that, letting others in usually comes much more easily.

[Jenn]

[When you love someone, it may feel like you're giving away a part of yourself, but really you're simply allowing that part of yourself to go out into the world and grow stronger. You have much more to gain than you do to lose.] a great affirmation, and reassurance for me today in choosing a transparent lifestyle of love and sharing our dreams with the world.
i love this !! thank-you so much! Jenn

[positively present]

Jenn - You're welcome! I'm so glad you liked the post and I'm really happy you pull out and highlighted that section because it really is the root of what I was trying to say here. Thanks for your comment!