best friends forever?: lessons on friendship (part III)

(♥)

 

As you may have read in "Best Friends Forever?: Lessons on Friendship (Part I)" and "Best Friends Forever?: Lessons on Friendship (Part II)," I've been struggling a lot lately with one of my friendships. It has been an up an down situation for some time now and it's been hard for me to determine whether or not it is something to let go of or continue to hang on to. As I've discussed in the previous parts of this three-part series, the end of frienships is rarely simple. A lot goes into a friendship and a lot goes on when one must decide whether or not a broken friendship is worth saving. And even more goes on when you realize that the friendship is over and you must cope with the fallout.

The end of any relationship is difficult. When you allow people to get close to you, when you make them a part of your life, and suddenly they are no longer around, it can be very hard to deal with. A mix of emotions -- sadness, anger, fear, and pain -- may flood your mind, leaving you feeling alone and distraught at the end of a relationship. From my experience, losing a friend is often one of the hardest losses to overcome. It's similar to a broken heart, but deeper, more poignant somehow. Friendships are some of our closest relationships; many of us are closer to our friends than we our to our family member or significant others. Therefore, losing a friend can seem like losing a part of yourself. And, as you can imagine or may have experienced, this can be very hard to deal with.

Having lost a friendship or two in my twenty-seven years, I've learned a bit about how to cope with such losses. It's never easy -- and following the advice below won't take all of the pain away -- but there are some actions you can take to make sure that you manage the pain you are feeling.

 

5 Ways to Recover from a Friendship Lost

1. Spend time with friends and family. Even though you're probably missing your friend like crazy and would rather be spending time with him or her, it's important to focus on the other people in your life right now. Spending quality time with friends and family and working on cultivating stronger relationships with those people who are still in your life is essential for moving on from the loss of a friendship.

2. Remind yourself why this loss is a positive. Whether or not you were the one who initiated this friendship break-up, the loss of this friend is for the better. Whatever situation you faced, if you two could not work through it, it is a benefit to you to no longer have this person in your life. It might not seem like it right now, when the pain is still fresh, but in time you will realize why this loss is actually a positive thing -- it frees up room in your heart for those who really deserve to be there.

3. Focus on what you want (and don't want) in a friend. While you're going through this tough situation, it's a good idea to make sure you don't have to go through a similar situation too frequently. The best way to do this is to think about what you do and don't want in a friendship. Think back on your past friendship and determine what worked, what didn't, and why. This exercise is a productive way for you to evaluate the past and then move on from it.

4. Make an effort to form new bonds. It's not always easy to make new friends, but doing so will help you to cope with the loss you're suffering from. The old addage "there are plenty of fish in the sea" proves to be true for friendships as well. Though you will never be able to replace the specific bond you shared with your friend, you can make an effort to create new bonds with new friends. Keep an open mind and an open heart and you may just find your next best friend.

5. Live in the present moment and don't dwell on the past. As tempting as it might be to reflect on what was, focusing on the present moment is the best thing you can do for yourself right now. The past is over and, like it or not, you can never get it back. The only moment you have is right now so you might as well make the most of it by doing things you love to do with people you love to be with. Try as hard as you can to focus on the present and allow yourself to help by living in the now.

 

Dealing with the loss of a friendship is extremely difficult so don't beat yourself up if you find yourself really struggling with it. However, keep in mind that you're not alone. Sadly, most friendships don't last forever so, whether you've already experienced a loss or not, at some point you're likely to. Most people have gone through the loss of a friendship at some point in their lives so seek out positive people with experience to help you get through the tough time. Also, below are some links that might help you find more information on how to cope with losing a friend. 

Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend
Toxic Friends: The Antidote for Women Stuck in Complicated Friendships
Friend or Frenemy? A Guide to the Friends You Need and the Ones You Don’t
When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal With Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You

Comments

[J.D. Meier]

Endings are tough. No Doubt's "Don't Speak" says it all.

[positively present]

J.D. - Yes, they are. And that is a great song to listen to when experiencing a difficult ending. So sad, but so true.

[Saggleo]

This is whole series was very good advice Dani. I had been trying to think of what advice I could lend to this in my experience before posting, and the main thing that seems to coming back to me is being honest. I'm the type of person who if I think I've upset a friend and I feel a certain tension, I'll ask them. Some answer, some don't...and of the friendships I've had that I've lost and never knew why used to bother me the most. Just being honest in why you no longer want the friendship or what actually happened to come to that decision can clear up so many things for both parties. It can also resolve an issue, or bring to light that the friendship has run it's course. Either way, being honest in this type of situation helps both parties (and any others involved that you may know mutually) know how to move forward in the best way possible.

[Rachel]

I think it would be so easy not to let a negative friend go- to just ignore the negative chipping away and avoid facing the bigger painful breakup. But if you do decide to breakup then I reckon not only will your life eventually be better but also you will trust yourself more. I think building trust in yourself is really important, to know that you will make choices that work best for you, particularly when you don’t ‘have to’ but you do it because you value yourself and consider yourself worth it.
There’s some great insights and advice here over all 3 Parts of this article, so thank you. And I hope you listen to your own insights so you can take good care of yourself too.

[positively present]

Saggleo - Thank you! I'm glad you found the advice helpful. Being honest is so important and I'm happy you raised that point. Being honest -- both with yourself and with a friend -- can make all the difference. Also, speaking up is another good point. When something doesn't feel right, ask. That's a great way to avoid being tricked by your own assumptions. Thanks for these insights! Great stuff!

Rachel - Yes, it does seem like it might be easy to avoid the break-up and just let the negativity happen, but that's not necessarily healthy for either party. And, as you said, when you go with your gut instinct, you learn to trust yourself more. The more you trust yourself, the better your relationship will be with yourself (and, as a result, you'll have better relationships with others). Thanks so much for your comments! I appreciate the positive feedback and your excellent input on trusting yourself.