(♥)
Where I'm from, October is a month, like it or not, in which we're surrounded by thoughts of death. If you live in a place that celebrates Halloween and/or in a place where the entire world around you is turning from the florescent green of summer to the rainbowed hues of leaves dying and flowers decaying, you're presented a great deal with thoughts of death. Even if you're not in a place that celebrates Halloween or is facing the death of summer, you probably encounter the concept of death in media and in your personal life (though hopefully not too often). October has always been my favorite month, but I can't say that I love being reminded of death on a daily basis. Horror movie previews, skeleton decorations, reading The Adults (a great book by the way) -- all of these things make ignoring death a little harder this month.
Facing the Certainty of Death
The other night I was lying in bed, just about to drift off to sleep and feeling particularly blissful, when I felt the gripping panic that comes with these thoughts: "This is all going to be gone someday. I am going to die and I am never again going to see the people I love or experience all of the amazing things about life that I take for granted on a daily basis." If you've ever thought some thing along those lines, you've probably experienced that tight-chested, oh-my-god experience of panic that seems, momentarily, to be uncontrollable. With most moments of panic, I am able to reassure myself with calming, positive thoughts, reminding myself to focus on the good. But when you are happy, nothing good can come from the notion of knowing you're going to die.
As I was lying there in bed, wondering how to cope with the idea that I'm going to die someday (and other people I love will too) and everything I love will no longer be as it is, I'm reminded of a scene from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (to watch the scene, click here and scroll to minute 1:37 of the clip):
Clementine: This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon.
Joel: I know.
Clementine: What do we do?
Joel: Enjoy it.
In the scene, they weren't (necessarily) talking about death, but when I think about that moment in the film, that's what comes to mind. It makes me realize that, whether I like it or not, this life is going to be gone at some point. It's a thought that sometimes haunts me, sometimes makes me feel less-than-positive. I find myself like Clementine, wondering: "What do we do?" I find myself sometimes wanting to shake up my entire life, taking everything apart so that it will feel more alive. Because far too often, I find myself going through the motions of living rather than really living.
It's usually as I'm about to drift off to sleep that the notion of death -- and of really living -- creeps into my mind. Maybe it's thinking back on my day and really evaluating what I did (or didn't) do. Maybe it's just the nighttime and the death-like quality of darkness and silence. Maybe it's the coffin-esque quality of facing the ceiling, eyes closed, hands folded. Maybe it's The Adults resting on my nightstand, a suicide inked within its pages. Whatever it is, I find that lying in bed makes me the most conscious of death and, as a result, I become much more conscious of living.
Using Death to Enjoy Life
For some people, the notion of death is not at all scary. For some, it's even something to look forward to -- something better than the life they are currently leading. For me, death is the end. A fact that makes me realize how important it is to make the most of the now, to live -- really live -- in the moments that make up my life. I use the notion of death not to dwell on the shortness of life or bemoan the inevitable end, but instead to motivate myself to life more fully, to embrace each and every day as if it were my last.
In my teens and early twenties, I used to spend a great deal of time absorbed in the negative aspects of death: the ending, the nothingness, the perfect excuse to not care about anything. But now I see that ending point as a motivator. When the notion of death creeps into my mind now, it is followed by the questions: If not now, then when? If I don't live life now, when will I live it?
If, like me, you've ever used the inevitability of death as an excuse to give up, to think this life doesn't matter, try to reframe your thinking to use death as a motivator. You will -- we all will -- die. There's nothing we can do about that. What we can do something about is living our lives to the fullest. To help us remember that, I've come up with some questions I'm going to ponder today. Giving thought to these will remind me that facing death is actually one of the best ways to enjoy life. To use death to enjoy your life, ask yourself:
What would I do today if I knew it was my last day?
Can I do any of those things today?
Am I actually living or just going through the motions?
How can I really start living instead of just being?
What do I want to accomplish before I die?
Am I on the path to accomplishing it?
How do I want to be remembered when I'm gone?
Am I acting like the person I want to be remembered as?
Am I taking all of the chances I should be in this life?
What's holding me back and how can I stop it from doing so?
Thinking about these questions -- even briefly -- has reminded me how the concept of death, of the end of our lives, can really serve as a positive motivator for making the most out of every single day. Thinking about death can be a very scary thing, but avoiding the fear doesn't make the idea of death go away. You can ignore it if you want, but the fact is: it's going to happen. Accepting that is crucial because it causes you to ask yourself, as Mary Oliver did in her poem "The Summer Day":
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
With your one wild and precious life?
I REALLY enjoy reading this blog. Very beautiful. Thanks for posting. I look forward to more posts.
Posted by: Rochelle | October 03, 2011 at 09:32 AM
It's like you wrote for me...
I have been having this exact same feeling these past few days and it is terrifying, I can't help but feel hopeless when I think about death and how it is inevitable, and most importantly, unpredictable.
Thank you for making me feel a lot better. I needed to be reminded that I should be doing what I love right now and enjoying it...nothing more.
Besides, it's a wonderful feeling to know that I am not alone. Thank you Dani. :)
Posted by: Rosalina | October 03, 2011 at 03:44 PM
Rochelle - Thank you so much! I'm so happy you enjoy reading it. Your comment put a smile on my face.
Rosalina - When I wrote this, I wasn't sure if it was just something I was experiencing, but it sounds like you could really relate. Hard as it is to just live in the moment (when you know that moment will end), it really is the best way to make the most of our lives. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You made ME feel less alone!
Posted by: positively present | October 03, 2011 at 07:13 PM
I thought this post was great. It hasn't happened to me in a while, but I, too, get panicked feelings of death at night sometimes. When I was little I used to run out to my parents past my bedtime freaking out! Lately I've been trying to think like you and use it as a motivator. I like the questions you posed, and hope to think of them more often. Especially "Can I do any of those things today?" I've always wanted to be more spontaneous/fulfilling and I guess I'm not getting any younger! Thank you for another great post :D
P.S. Eternal Sunshine is definitely in my top 5 movies!
Posted by: Dana | October 03, 2011 at 10:37 PM
Dana - Like you, these days I try to take that panic and make it motivate me. It's not always easy -- sometimes I think "what's the point!" -- but I've found that it really helps me to make the most of my life. So glad you like Eternal Sunshine too! Some people (aka, my entire family) think it's weird, but I love it!
Posted by: positively present | October 04, 2011 at 07:19 AM