positively present

the snow storm challenge: a lesson on loving change

For the past three days I've been snowed in my apartment, without power and without heat. As you might be able to guess, it's been a true challenge to remain positive and present while I've been shivering and pretty close to being bored out of my mind. But, for the first time in my life, I've tried to see a blackout as a positive thing. I've tried to not focus on the fact that my hands and feet are freezing and that I really do have trouble living without internet and TV and, instead, focus on the positive aspects of being without electricity. Hard as it's been, I've tried to focus on the good things -- on the things I love about the situation. Most importantly, I've tried to love the unexpectedness of this. Of course I'd been aware that it was going to snow, but I had no idea just how much or how it would knock the power out for days. I'd been planning for weeks for a business trip that would now (for me, at least) be canceled. I'd made lists for the weekend of all the things I'd wanted to do. But you know what? A lot of things changed after the lights flickered and the power cut out late Friday night. I had a choice: either be angry and upset or do my best to go with the flow.

Even though it was hard for me, queen of routines, lover of plans, to go with the flow, I've done the best I could to make the most of the situation. I've tried my very best to love what was completely unexpected. I don't love change, especially something drastic and tragic like having no power, but I knew it came down to one big question: was I going to love the change or hate the change? Initially I wanted to hate it. I wanted to throw a grown-up tantrum, flinging out phrases like, "This isn't fair!" and "But I don't want the power to be out!" But clearly doing that wasn't going to do me any good. Tempting as it was to be angry, the anger and negativity welling up inside me wasn't going to turn the lights back on or send the heat flowing through the vents -- and it certainly wasn't going to make my snow storm experience any better.

So I decided to do what I could to love the unxpected changes, challenging as some of them were. I attempted to love the things that had suddenly become so different... I made the best of no lights -- hey, more time to read! a candlelit dinner! I made the best of no heat -- let's set up a tent inside and snuggle up! I made the best of limited meal choices -- we don't have to think so much about what we want! we can get creative with our options! I made the best of having no internet -- I can use pen and paper! I can read actual pages!  I made sure to see the positive when I was told I didn't have to go on the business trip -- I didn't want to go anyway and now I can help out from the comfort of my home! Change, especially change like this, is pretty trying on anyone and especially on people who like routines. It was so tempting -- SO tempting -- to think of the negative things. It's hard to think positively when your hands feel like ice cubes and your choice of activities range from board games to reading (much as I love to read, I cannot do it for 12+ hours straight without feeling a little crazy...).

But, hard as it has been to be positive over the past few days, I managed to do it. I managed not only to accept the changes that were happening all around me, but to love them. Having limited options and fewer choices actually made my life easier in some ways. I didn't feel the pressure to work because I had no computer. I didn't feel the need to socialize because most everyone I knew was stranded at home. I didn't have to stress about my business trip because I wasn't required to go. I didn't have to worry about getting enough sleep because, once it got dark, there was little to do but curl up in the tent and try to get some shut eye. Over the past few days I've certainly had some stress, but it's been freeing in a way to love the changes and to realize that sometimes life throws curve balls that aren't always so bad.

For a lot of people, change is a hard thing to like, let alone love. I'm one of those people that looks at change -- especially unexpected change like a power outage during a snow storm -- and wrinkles her nose in disgust. I don't like things that challenge my routines and schedules and I definitely don't like things that make me cold. However, I can honestly say now that I have learned to love this kind of unexpected change. It's given me a fresh perspective from which to view my life and, more than anything, it's given me a big, fat reminder that I should always be grateful. There are so many things in my life -- things that I really love and feel as though I can't live without -- that have been taken away from me over the past few days. I've learned to respect them, to value them, and to be grateful for them. And, in addition, I've learned to be thankful for those things in my life that can't so easily be taken away. There are things like love and hope and optimism that, I've realized, stay with me no matter what.

Unexpected change can be scary, annoying, and a pain in the ass. But it can also be eye-opening and inspiring. It's all a matter of how you choose to look at it. It's easy sometimes focus on the negative when things unexpectedly don't go your way, but the next time you're faced with an unanticipated change that leaves your life a bit unsettled, ask yourself this: do I want to love this change or hate it? One option might certainly be easier, but I can tell you first hand that making the choice to love change this weekend has not only made my day to day life a lot better over the past few days, but it's also made me feel a lot better about myself in general. I've learned through a very real-life situation that I can love unexpected change and make the most of it, something I never really believed was possible.

Yes, I would love to be in my apartment right now, sitting at my desk with the TV chatting cheerfully in the background. Yes, I would love not to be in this god-awful mall food court with my laptop plugged in and children screaming and running in circles around plastic tables and chairs. Yes, I would love it if my hands and toes really felt warm. And, yes, I would love not to be wearing four layers of clothing. But you know what? This is where I am and this is what I'm doing and this is what I'm wearing. This is my life right now and, in spite of the less-than-ideal circumstances, I'm pretty happy because I've faced change head-on, I've looked it in the eye, and I've realized that I actually can love the unexpected twists and turns in life.

How do YOU deal with change? Do you love it?
Does the unexpected (like a snow storm blackout) freak you out
or does the challenge of change excite you?

 

Photo credit: (♥)

guest post: change IS possible

 

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Today's guest post, by Brett H., author of DareToExpress, is one of my favorites. I can relate in a lot of ways to what Brett has written and it truly inspires me. Change is something that, when you're in a negative place in your life, seems impossible. When you finally realize that change is feasible, that it's something that can actually happen to you, it's absolutely amazing. Check out Brett's story in this post for some inspiration and motivation.


Life is Good

Yesterday was a strange experience for me. I didn't feel good for the entire day, yet I felt supremely good. I was tired and a little run-down from getting too much sleep, yet I felt the best I ever have. It was almost a Zen-like experience, where I didn't try all that hard, and I everything I did just effortlessly flowed from my fingertips -- and was good. Everything I did became an act of self-love and self-expression, from the way I ate my food, to the way I sat on my bed, reading The Bhagavad Gita, with a wry smile of self-satisfaction on my face and my body lying in a totally carefree manner with limbs sprawled carefreely in every-which direction. I never thought life could be this good, but it's actually a very small thing, this happiness.

Sometimes I think I take it for granted -- I'm so disconnected from the constant despair and turmoil that was my past that I overlook the near-constant happiness I have. But, at the same time, this shift from depression to positivity (and presence) is the greatest thing that's happened to me. People spend their whole lives looking for happiness and I've found it... think. All I know is that I've got this warm, fuzzy feeling of love in my chest all the time and I can choose what I can do with it. I call that happiness. If you told me that I would be as much of a source of positivity as I am now about 18 months ago, I would've told you that you were crazy. If you told my past self that I would be seeing the world as I do now -- as a wonderful, wonderful place -- he would've made some sarcastic remark that life sucks and moved on. If you told my past self that meditation and an understanding of spirituality would help elevate me higher than I've ever been, he would've told you that meditation is for the self-deluded and for New Age pseudo-hippies. But it's all true, and it's remarkably hard to believe. I can't even comprehend my transformation myself.


My Past Identity

I remember so many things from my past life. I remember being put on anti-depressants at age 10, and crying when I got them because they made me feel like something was wrong with me (and, I must say, I was right -- I had lots of psychological problems). Was I depressed? For the first time, I think I'll actually admit that I was truly in a very deep depression for about 5 years of my life. Therapy didn't help either; after a few months, I vowed never to return since it didn't help me and I buried my emotional problems so deep inside that I would be able to dodge the therapist's questions with honest answers that somehow never cut to the core of my problems. But he couldn't help me because I never knew what was truly wrong with me. And if I didn't know, I'd never steer the discussion in that direction.

All I knew was that I thought the world was a bad place and I was deeply unhappy with life in general. I thought the only person in the world who was any good was myself. My ego was the size of the Pacific Ocean. I had/have a great deal of natural talent intellectually, and have always done exceptionally in school. This, coupled with "growing up too fast," made me more "emotionally mature" than my peers. And by that I mean I lost the carefree positiviy of youth much faster and reverted to a state of constant negativity. I was always the witty one with dark, sarcastic humor and a twisted view of the world as a black hole. But I, the great Brett, was greater than everyone because I was so much smarter. And that's how I viewed life: me, the last, best hope of humanity, stranded in a world of eternal darkness. Except I didn't even function as a light; instead, I compounded the darkness with my negativity.

I became a master of suppressing ANY emotions, negative and positive. During school, I'd act like the normal, peppy kid who was on top of his studies and worked hard. But that didn't stop me from labeling the world as universally "bad" -- it didn't help that the town I live in is not a very pleasant place -- and me as the only "good." I'd go home and damn the world, damn existence, and let out all my bottled up negative emotions. I wouldn't necessarily cry, but I'd be kept up at night from overthinking -- thinking ab0ut the end of the world, thinking about what a chore it's going to be to wake up the next morning, and a host of other things I can't remember. I've been on pills to cure my insomnia for almost 7 years now, though I don't think I need them anymore since I no longer have those thoughts. Maybe my body's addicted to them. If you were to take a snapshot of my headspace when I was in my state of total depression, you'd see a boy who was totally lost in the world and whose only hope was college to escape what I saw as a desolate, hopeless town -- a fitting hope for the guy who based his identity off of his performance at school, though I was and still am a great athlete.

College was the light at the end of the tunnel, because I was so consumed with what I thought was the utter disaster that was around me. I still don't deny that my hometown isn't the greatest of places, but I let my environment totally define how I felt. I hated existence, I hated getting up in the morning, I hated the people I saw every day, I hated where I lived, I hated how I stood out among my peers since I was so smart, I hated how I was made fun of, I hated that I felt like the world was on my shoulders and I thought I had to perform for an audience I despised. Hate consumed my soul. I nearly attempted suicide twice, yet never thought there was anything wrong with me. The suppression of emotion choked me and still affects me to this day. Sometimes I struggle with genuinely expressing positive emotions around people, since I literally stopped doing it for so long and was afraid people would ask me why I'm so happy. But the negative emotions, for the most part, are gone. For every day that passes, I feel more and more free to express myself and my emotons.

Triggering the Transformation

So, how did I turn my life around? It all started out with my first and only real girlfriend (like I said, where I live things aren't the greatest, so dating prospects are few and far between). We went out for a little, then one Thursday afternoon, she called me and said, "Brett, let's go back to being best friends again." I said, "Sure, why not?" and that was that. But, in truth, it CRUSHED me. She said we broke up because I was "too negative" and that everyone hated me. I shot back that being negative just who I was, so I couldn't change that. Funnily enough, though this breakup totally destroyed my self-esteem because A) I just lost my first girlfriend and B) I lost my entire social circle because of the breakup because her friends became my friends, I never cried once about it. I guess I had gotten my black belt in emotional suppression by then.

After another dating prospect fell through because I had been too needy and negative (again), I lay crying in my bed, wondering why I was having zero success in life and with the ladies. And then my ex's words floated through my head -- and it kind of resonated with me. Maybe I wasn't supposed to be negative. Maybe there's more to life. Maybe I can be positive. At that point, I think I had reached the deepest point in my depression yet, since my self-esteem was obliterated (seems like I gave my power away much too much) and I was left stranded. At that point, I started letting go of my ego a little bit more, so I didn't have anything to cling to. Life seemed utterly hopeless. But, as they say, the night is darkest before the dawn.

In June of 2008, my brother gave me Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead as a gift. I read it and immensely enjoyed it -- and realized that life could be positive with achievement. And I could be proud of it, but not degrade others. I could share my gifts with the world, and, guess what? I could create a better life for myself. That's what I took from the book. I finished it in a week, tremendously inspired with what the human spirit could do. I ignored the Objectivist stuff and focused on the profoundly moving message within it that man could conquer any and all obstacles if he was determined too. Reading The Fountainhead was the first step on my way out of darkness.

I saw some improvement in the rest of 2008, applying some of the principles from The Fountainhead, but 2009 was where I saw massive improvement and transformation. I consumed tons of self-help material and read tons of philosophy -- for I wanted to know what happiness was and how to get there. Eventually, in a not-so-glorious process, I gradually extracted my negative view of the world and implanted a positive one. I started to understand happiness as a function of self-love and started allowing myself to love me for me, and not anything else. I stopped letting others define me. I started meditating -- something I would've never considered doing before -- and it immensely improved my life, more than any other habit I've ever picked up.

The transformation process is really a blur for me. That's really all I can remember. It took a lot of reading and introspection, but I got there. And, here's the thing, I'm getting better every day. It's an amazing process. The defining moment of my transformation came when, one October night, I was meditating, and -- out of nowhere -- broke out sobbing. I cried and cried like I had never cried before, letting go of all the negativity that was in my past. I looked back on all the things that I had considered negative things before -- the breakup, my trashy town, my misanthropy -- and realized they were instrumental in making me who I am now. I realized, in that moment of clarity, that if I had never suffered like I did, if I had never spent those years in darkness, I wouldn't be the happy guy I am today. That epiphany made me laugh and cry some more. That session of meditative sobbing was like a rebirth for me. I got rid of the shackles that had held me down for seemingly my entire life, and experienced life as it should be. It was so beautiful that I cried some more and tears are in my eyes as I write this.

Change IS Possible!

I am a testament to the fact that drastic change is possible. If people tell you "people never change," I know you'll crack a wry smile from now on as you remember my story. And, maybe you'll tell them, "No, I read on this blog that this kid Brett..." and you'll recount an abbreviated version of my story. If had to give you any tips on how to turn your life around, or become a just a little more happy, I'd say do these things:

• Accept and let go of negative emotions,
• Choose to focus on the positives in life,
• Tune out the negatives,
• Love yourself unconditionally, and
• Meditate.

Those are the basics, and those are what you should focus on. They'll never let you down. In such a negative society, it's also unusual to express good feelings and love if it's "out of context" (read: at any time you're not around friends/family). Buck that trend and start smiling wherever you go. If you do that shamelessly, I guarantee your life will improve. You'll become a source of positive emotion and serve as an inspiration for people who were like me and need some help to get out of their depression. Trust me, by shining, you'll be a beacon for them. I know I could've used people who were positive to the core to help me out.

Looking back, I don't regret anything that I've done. I'm glad that I was depressed for so long -- because if I hadn't been so depressed, I wouldn't have gone on my quest of self-discovery that put me where I am today. I'm glad my girlfriend kicked me to the curb and crushed my self esteem, because that ultimately ended up catalyzing my change. I wouldn't trade anything I've experienced for the world because it's made me who I am today -- and I love who I am. If I'd have to close this post -- all I'd say is this: don't let other people define who you are and deter you from making the change that you know you can make. Change is possible, you just have to go out and get it. If it doesn't come as fast you like, be patient -- uncovering all the years of negativity and emotional wreckage takes a lot of time. Don't rush it, be persistent, don't quit, and I promise that happiness lies on the other side. 

Brett H. is a self-actualization blogger who writes at DareToExpress, where he frequently writes about the self-actualization process and how people can make lasting changes for the better. You can follow him on Twitter at @bretthimself.

the emotional effect: how to deal with others' negativity

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The other day as I was sitting in a meeting I could, for the first time, fully appreciate the phrase "you could cut the tension with a knife." Everyone in the room was nervous, tense. There were anxiously rapid eye movements, toes tapping, and legs jiggling. There were people shifting in their seats and shifting the tones of their voices. It was intense -- and it was stressing me out. I thought to myself, "How in the world can I be positive in this situation when everyone in this room is so anxious?" I'd gone into the meeting with a perfectly calm, perfectly upbeat attitude, and suddenly I'd felt my good mood draining. I had to find a way to deal with the situation before I became a finger-tapping, voice-raising mess.

I'm sure you've been in similar situations -- situations in which everyone in a room is in a much different state of mind than you are. If the energy of others is negative, it can really affect you. I, for one, am quite prone to picking up on the tone and mood of others and I know it can change my mood completely when someone else is in a negative place. When I found myself stuck in this meeting, I realized that there had to be a way to stay where I was (I didn't have much choice at that point) while still staying calm. Here's what I did...

How To Cope With Others' Negativity

• Focus on yourself. As I was I was sitting in that meeting, nearly going crazy from all of the tension I could feel floating around the room, I thought to myself, "How do I bring this back to me? How do I get away from the emotions of others and focus instead on my own emotional state?" I began asking myself the following questions: How are you feeling right now? How is your body reacting to the emotions of others? How do you want your body to react? What do you really think of the situation? How can you focus more on your own thoughts and less on the reactions of others? Once I started asking myself these questions and redirecting my focus to myself instead of to the others in the room, I began to feel a lot better. I realized that I was actually feeling just fine and that I couldn't let their negative energy take away from my pleasant mood.
  
  
• Use a mantra or phrase. A lot of people find it very helpful to have a key word or phrase that they can use whenever they're feeling stressed out. I've found that this usually works for me. I try to focus on whatever I want to be -- such as calm or positive -- and repeat the word to distract me from whatever negative situation is going on around me. It can really help you focus on what's happening within you (rather than external factors) and gives you a way to center yourself. Another way to do this would be to take deep, calming breaths (though this is a bit harder when you're in a situation like a meeting; it's hard to take deep breaths in a board room without looking like you're hyperventilating...). Repeating a mantra (in your head) or taking deep breaths can really help you to focus and calm down, guiding you away from negative emotions around you.  
  
  
• Remove yourself mentally. When you find yourself in a tough spot, sometimes you have to remove yourself from the situation mentally. While I'm not for avoiding negative situations all together (see Monday's post on the 3:1 ratio), I do think sometimes you have to give yourself a break and let your mind vacate certain situations. If you can remove the negativity from yourself by removing your mental state from the negative place you've found yourself in, you'll probably gain a lot more clarity about the situation and how it's make you (not others) feel. If you're tremendously bothered by a situation, sometimes it helps to remove yourself from it (even if you can't do so in a physical way) by doing your best to think of more positive things. I'm not suggesting you tune out every time you have to deal with something hard, but if the negativity of others is overwhelming you, sometimes it's okay to take a mental time out.
  
  
• Realize it will end. In my experience, I've found that it's essential to remember that the difficult or negative situation you find yourself in will eventually end. As obvious as this might sound, it's so important to keep that in mind as you make your way through whatever the situation is. By reminding yourself that this situation will, at some point, be over, you're giving yourself the opportunity to keep the particular situation in perspective. When you're surrounded by negativity, it's very important to put it in perspective because, as you know, keeping it in perspective will help you keep your cool -- even if no one else in the situation seems to be able to.

Of course, it wasn't all that easy to do these things. It can actually be really difficult to remove yourself from the emotional states of others. I'm sure you've all heard of "the butterfly effect" and I think of this emotion transfer as very similar to that. One person's emotional state can have a ripple effect that travels from person to person. For example, let's say someone in that meeting I was in was very tense and then I became tense because of that. I could take my tense-ness out of the meeting and make someone else tense too. See how that works? It could go on forever that way if we don't make an effort to keep a safe distance from the emotional states of others.  

On the flip side, it's important to remember that you can also catch the positive emotions coming from others so if you want to be more positive, surround yourself with people who are positive! You can't always choose who you surround yourself with (for example, at work), but often you do have a choice. If people are bringing you down and making you feel negative, you need to really think about the purpose of those people in your life. If someone is an overall drain, you're probably better off without him or her. However, if you just find yourself in a bad situation or with a normally positive person who happens to be in a funk, look to the suggestions above and give them a try. Negativity isn't 100% avoidable, but there are definitely ways to deal with it that will make even the worst situations more productive and bearable.

What do you do when you find yourself in a negative situation?
Do you have any helpful tips for dealing with others' negativity?

time to wake up: making the most of the moment

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Last week was a tough one. It was one of those weeks that really challenged my resolve to be positive and present. Business trips are not my thing. I’m not a fan of being on the road, away from the people I love most and out of sync with my daily routines. Every time I travel for business and am forced to sit through meeting after meeting discussing topics that are not of interest to me, I think to myself, “I have to quit my job.” Trip after trip, I have the same experience, but when I come back, I get settled into my routine and forget about it until the next trip. But this trip was different. This trip I was not only required to do all of the things I dread—organizing meetings, taking notes on dull topics, listening to others talk about how great they are—but I also found myself in a very uncomfortable situation. I’m not going to get into the details of it (let’s just say it involved someone’s inappropriate behavior and a lot of crying on my part), but it was, in my opinion, a huge sign that I am not in the right place, career-wise. That moment reaffirmed what I've known all along: I am in desperate need of a new job.

For almost as long as I’ve been working at my job, I’ve had this thought in my mind. To be perfectly honest (and at the risk of sounding quite negative): I don’t like my job. I like the people I work with. I like feeling like, indirectly, I’m making a difference in the world. But the actual job itself? I’m not a fan. The highlights of my day come when I’m working on my blog or reading other blogs or doing anything but any task that’s actually in my job description. When I start thinking about it, it makes me angry. Why have I stayed in this job for as long as I have? Why am I not doing something that motivates and excites me? Why have I been so incredibly scared of change, to the point that I’ve stayed when I know I should go? All last week, as I found myself sitting through meeting after meeting, my mind was racing with these questions. Minutes ticked by and the questions grew louder and louder. I could no longer ignore them. They were taking over the positive side of me, the side that really wanted to believe that I could keep doing my job even though I didn’t love it.

I was sitting in one meeting, staring up at the EXIT sign on the wall and all I could think was, “That’s what I need to do. I need to put my pen down, stop taking notes, get up, and exit this situation.” Of course it’s not that easy. As tempting as it has been to simply quit, that’s not the best, most logical plan. What would I do about money? Health insurance? What if I couldn’t find another job? What if the next job I went to was worse than this one? What if I had no time for blogging or writing? The questions kept coming and with each passing moment I grew more and more afraid. The EXIT sign might have been glowing right in my face, but it wasn’t all that easy to get up and walk through the door.

I thought about leaving all day. I went online during the breaks between meetings and applied for jobs. I wracked my brain for contacts and connections and ideas. By that night I was in a bit of a state, upset that I was unhappy in my career and distraught that I was unable to find an instant solution to the problem. It was really hard to be positive about this and even harder to stay in the present, since it was the present that was making me so unhappy. It was clear to me that I’d been scared to change and, by in giving into that fear, I had found myself nearly three years into a job that wasn't at all me. Though I’d always wanted a new job desperately, I was—and still am—terrified at the thought of going somewhere new.

One day while I was away, I woke to another day of meetings and in my in-box found this quote by Betty Bender: “Anything I’ve ever done that ultimately was worthwhile... initially scared me to death.” When I read that my heart started beating faster. It made me see so clearly that I’m going to have to take some risks, make some big changes, if I really want to have a job that’s worthwhile for me. It’s terrifying, but it’s something I know I have to do. Of course, being me, I want it done instantly. I want to quit and job hunt all day. I want to have the perfect new job by the end of the month. As anyone who’s ever looked for a job knows, this is not how it usually works.

In typical Dani fashion, I was thinking at high speed, trying to assess the best plan of attack, the best way to get a new, awesome job in the shortest amount of time. As my mind was racing from the quote I’d just read, I opened the next email in my in-box and read my horoscope. It said: “You're itching to jump ahead quickly -- but you can tell that you can't do so just yet. It's a good time for you to marshal your resources and wait a little longer until you know the time is right.” Though emotionally the time feels right to leave my job, I know it’s not the most logical choice for me right now. I have to be patient. I have to wait for the right opportunities to come my way. Or, rather, I need to create the opportunities for myself. Acting impulsively isn’t going to help me right now. In fact, it’s likely to cause more stress and make finding the right new job even more difficult. Hard as it is (especially when on business trips) for me to stay at my job, it’s important that I be patient. It’s important that I “wait a little longer until I know the time is right.”

I know the timing will never be perfect and there’s never a good time to make a big change, but I need to be careful and logical and not always jump ahead the way I love to do. I may not be happy with my job right now, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be positive. What’s the difference, you ask? I might know for a fact that I’m not going to be happy at work, but I also know that I can be positive about the work I am doing. I can look for the things that are good about my job, and, yes, there are plenty of good things about my job. I have the ability to learn and try new things. Even though I hate the business trips, sometimes the travel is interesting and inspiring. I work with great people, people who really encourage me to do well and want me to succeed. There are great things about my job. For now, I need to focus on those things and make the most of them. It's not easy for me to do this right now, but I've come up with a list of ideas of how I can make the most of my job right now even though I desperately want to change it. Here are my ideas for making the most of the moments I have (even when they're not ideal...): 

How to Be Positive When You're Not Living Your Dream

• Try as hard as you can to be in the moment. Okay, I know this sounds like the opposite of what anyone (me included!) would want to do when s/he is having a hard time. When you're in a tough spot, the last thing you want to do is keep reminding yourself that you're in that spot. But try to think about it on a smaller level. Yes, I hate being on a business trip, but when I'm walking to meetings, I try to think about the things that are happening to me in that exact moment. I try to think about the sun shining on my face, about the the interest people I'm passing by on the street. I think about the fact that it's warmer than home and that I'm lucky not to be feeling sick or cold or upset. When I start focusing on the tiny little bits of the moment (and not thinking ahead to the god-awful meeting I'm about to attend), everything seems a little bit better. Try it the next time you're doing something you don't want to do. I bet you'll find it a lot more enjoyable than you thought! 
• Avoid looking at the worst in things. Last week I really found myself looking at the worst in everything. Once I started looking for the bad, it was like a downward spiral. I started seeing the bad things everywhere. Don't make the same mistake I did. While it's going to be pretty much impossible to completely ignore the things that are bothering you (and that's also not very healthy to do), it's important that you don't go around seeking the bad things. It's so easy to find the negative things about a situation when you look for them, so don't. You're only going to make yourself feel a lot worse (as I did last week) and you're not going to change anything. Focus your attention on the good (or on how you can make things good in the future), and you'll make a lot more out of your current situation. Being positive can impact your mental, emotional, and physical health so even if you're in a bad situation, you're going to be a lot better off if you have a positive attitude about it. 
• Think about what you want to change. Now I don't think it's super healthy to spend all of your time sitting around thinking about what you want to change since that is drawing your attention toward the negative things, but I do think it's important to consider what you would like to be better and how you might go about making it better. When I was sitting in meetings all week, I took some time to think about how I would want to be living my life and what it is that I really want to be doing. I realized that, on a high level, I want to change my job. But I also discovered that I wanted to change my attitude (which is why I'm writing this post!). I uncovered that it wouldn't be the best idea to just quit my job and hop on a plane back home, so I had to change my attitude about my situation. Thinking about what you want to change can help you realize that the situation you're in doesn't have to be permanent. Maybe you have to stay in it for a little while, but there is hope that in the future you will be able to be in a position that makes you very happy and fulfilled. 
• Find other ways to enjoy your life. It's hard when things are going wrong in one area of life to want to focus on anything else. When I'm miserable at my job, I want to put all of my attention and effort into finding a new job. I have spent a great deal of time over the last week venting and discussing and overanalyzing and feeling downright stuck in the spot I am in now. I've been more unhappy over the past week than I've been in a long time. But you know why that is? Because I was putting all of my thoughts and effort into one area of my life -- my job. In reality, I'm a lot more than just the job I do Monday through Friday. I have a social life, a love life, a blogging life, a great life. I have a lot going for me that has nothing whatsoever to do with my job. While I've been focusing on the one aspect of my life that's suffering (my career), the other aspects of my life that are great have still been there. It's my new resolve to spend more time focusing on the things that make me happy, while still spending time figuring out how to get out of the situation that's making me unhappy. I'm not going to ignore my unhappiness at work, but I'm not going to let it become the center of my life either.

  

Right now I'm going to do the best I can do make the most of the moments I have. I know that I'm not happy about work and I know I need to make some big changes, but I don't have to miserable until I make those dreams of mine come true. I feel as if I've just woken up and realize that I need to change, that I have to change. As scared as I might be of the idea of getting a new job, I’m going to work as hard as I can to create opportunities for myself -- and while I'm doing that I'm going to have a positive attitude. My goal right now is to be proactive and positive. So now I’m off to research jobs and find out how I can do what I’ve always loved—writing—as a career. And, hey, if any of you know of any writing/editing/creative gigs out there, feel free to let me know about them. I’m here, I'm finally awake, and I’m ready for a change.

How do you stay positive in a situation you can't change? 
How do you overcome fears about change?  

guest post: 28 steps to a positive & successful life

 
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As a reminder, I'm on a business trip (oh what fun!) until January 18th. In the meantime, I have some great guest posts to share with you... Today's post was written by Tess, author and creator of one of my favorite sites, The Bold Life. Whenever I visit her website, I leave feeling inspired. One of my favorite things about Tess's site is the warning that appears at the top of the page. It reads: "Warning! My blog will challenge you to be more, give more, live fearlessly, take more chances and show up in the world unstoppable, daring and bold." The first time I visited her site and checked that out, I was hooked! Be sure to check her out if you haven't already!


When we live with positive attitudes we touch not only the people around us in a good way but the entire world. Like a pebble tossed in a pond the ripple effect is endless. Knowing we all have that much power let’s take our positive presence up a notch or two and make a dynamic difference in the lives of everyone! The following methods will help you do so:

 

1. Do things that make you happy. Make a list of activities you enjoy doing. Include them regularly throughout the week. Spend time with people you enjoy. Eat foods you love. Wear clothes that fit you and your style. Become interested in other people, places and things.
   
   
2. Schedule downtime. Rejuvenate, relax and breathe deeply. When we take time to contemplate life and slow down we are tempted to think we are wasting time or not doing enough. The opposite is true. The mental and physical rewards of down time will help you shine in all other areas. Remember the turtle and the hare!
   
   
3. Surround yourself with positive things. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I fill my office with meaning full reminders including favorite photos, posters, books and meaningful stone and shells. I also have magazine and newspaper articles I've had published in frames. My home is filled only with things that are useful or beautiful. I don’t have time in my life for clutter or stuff. My time and energy is better spent on being fully alive.
   
   
4. Plan, plan and plan. Having a plan that will lead you to your dreams will increase your positivity and productivity. Create your long term goals and do three things daily to move towards them. One focused step at a time will get you there.
   
   
5. Be generous. Share daily. Leave generous tips. You will put a smile on the servers face and it will affect the next table. Give others the benefit of the doubt. Encourage others. Help someone succeed. Help others get what you want. Share your wisdom. You have so much to give and what you have will come back tenfold.
   
   
6. Become an early riser. Create the habit of getting up one hour earlier. You can use this as "me time" to pray, meditate and get prepared for your day.
   
   
7. Turn your car into a university. You can educate yourself with Pod casts and CDs on your niche. Listen to spiritual speakers for inspiration. You can even learn a new language during your commute.
   
   
8. Create a support system. Create a dream team of others who are going for their dreams. Meet regularly to share your successes and your problems. Be there for each other. Celebrate your progress.
   
   
9. Eliminate something negative. Stop one bad habit. If you are always late commit to being on time. If you eat junk food, add one new fruit to your diet. If you have debt, begin saving your change at the end of each day.
   
   
10. Be yourself. “I'd rather be hated for being myself than loved for being someone I'm not.”  Authenticity will make you glow. It will increase your self-love and create stability in your life. You are unique, worthy and we need you to do your part.
    
    
11. Let go of judgment. When we judge another it's a reflection of ourselves. Put yourself in another's shoes. We are all doing the best we know how to do. When we know better we do better. (Louise Hay)
    
    
12. Don't compare. It's easy to become envious of someone else's success. Most of us want more readers, comments, tweets and better statistics. You have no idea what someone else has gone through or done to get to where they are today. When you see someone doing well, bless them, praise them and congratulate them. Chances are their success is making the world a better place. Keep doing what you're good at.  Rejoice that you've touched others and made a difference in their lives. We are each playing our own part in the world. I can't do your part and you can't do mine. Yet we are all pieces of one giant puzzle.
    
    
13. Limit your TV time. Instead spend quality time with family and friends. Begin a new project. Help someone. Get physical. Go to the theater. Listen to music. Dance. Play board games. Communicate face to face. Touch, hug and enjoy the company of others.
    
    
14. Limit your computer time. How much time to you spend with your family and friends (face to face) compared to how much time you spend on line?  If you want an honest answer ask you family and friends if they feel neglected. It's all about balance.
    
    
15. Use positive language. Avoid telling yourself and others something can't be done. Eliminate 'never,' 'can't,' 'won't,' 'always,' 'should,' and 'maybe.' Instead use these sentences: What can I do for you? Please. Thank you. You betcha! I'm on your side. I'm here for you. I'll find a way. Become aware of speaking negatively about anyone or anything.
    
    
16. Be flexible. Know the unexpected will happen. Your car won't start, a loved one will die, or you will lose your job. Learn to cope in difficult times. Be willing and open to change. Know this too shall pass.
    
    
17. Drop your someday syndrome. Take a risk. Begin a new business. Go to a concert. Take a trip. Visit a far away friend or land. Enjoy today what you've been putting off for some day. Life is for living not planning. Suck the marrow out of it. You are responsible for the quality of your life.
    
    
18. Believe you make a difference. It's easy to think the world is falling apart. If it is it's because it will be made into something even better! I currently tutor nine children in reading and writing. These nine children will struggle less in every subject because of my help.  Do what you can to influence what the future holds.
    
    
19. Become physically active. Don't think of it as exercise. Instead have fun riding your bike or hiking with a friend. Invite someone to go swimming or rollerblading. There are so many ways to have fun you won't notice you're exercising.
    
    
20. Choose your friends carefully. Eliminate the energy zappers in your life. As you change you will be drawn to more positive people. In order to make room for the new you need to let go of the old. It will happen naturally as you become a happier person.
    
    
21. Remember you have a choice. Nobody has more control over your life than you. Don't sleep walk through it. When things aren’t going well choose again! Plan happy times for your future. Think of them as life’s coming attractions. Learn to enjoy your own company. You will be with you forever!
    
    
22. Refuse to complain. I tell my clients to stop complaining for 3 weeks. When you catch yourself begin your 3 weeks over again. The purpose of the exercise isn't to never complain again. You're human. The purpose is to become aware of how often you complain and what you complain about.
    
    
23. Educate yourself. What areas of you life do you wish to improve. Find a mentor, read a book, attend a workshop or take an online class. Be willing to get the information and help you need. When you know better you do better.
    
    
24. Focus on where you are going. No matter how difficult life seems today keep putting one foot in front of the other. Eventually you will arrive to a place where you can say, "I'm a positive person."
    
    
25. Be present. Our ego or smaller self tempts us to live in the pain of the past or fear of the future. Remind yourself that in the present moment everything is OK. What ever is happening in your life it’s unfolding exactly as it should. In this moment all is well. Each time you notice your mind wandering bring it back to the present moment. This will become a way of live.
    
    
26. Change your mood. Catching yourself in a bad mood is one step. Changing your mood is the second. If you want immediate relief keep a notebook and write down 10 good things in your life. If you make this a habit you'll feel more grateful. You can't be unhappy and grateful at the same time.
    
    
27. Surround yourself with positive people. They will influence every area of your life: the person you become, your income, and your values. They can influence your health, your parenting, your goals and your work. There is a lot of power in that! Don't be afraid to make friends with the best. You may be the one they've been looking for all along.
    
    
28. Enjoy your life. My mom is 89+ years old. I’m one of 10 children and she has 36 grandchildren. I’m not sure of the number of great grandchildren! She finished 6th grade. She never learned to drive a car. She loved to cook, spend time in her flower garden and baby sit her grandchildren and great grandchildren. She complained very little and taught us to look on the bright side. She also taught me how to be happy and enjoy life. From her I learned my positive attitude. I'm forever grateful.

 

(Note: If these 28 tips seem impossible, you may struggle with depression. It’s important you don’t beat yourself up. Instead look into getting professional help.)

If you enjoyed Tess's post, check out her site The Bold Life. You'll love what you find there! Her words and articles are always inspirational and uplifting. You can also find Tess on Twitter @TheBoldLife.

What do you do to stay positive?
How has your positive attitude affected your life?

guest post: could losing your job be the best thing?

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As a reminder, I'm on a business trip (oh what fun!) until January 18th. In the meantime, I have some great guest posts to share with you... The following post was written by Allison Maslan, author, life and career coach, homeopathic physician, and international speaker. Allison is the president of The Blast Off Life and Business Coaching. You can find more about Allison and what she does by checking out myblastoff.com. 

You have heard the story many times. What seems to be a tragedy, such as in an illness, job loss or  divorce ends up turning to triumph when the person ends up making drastic positive changes through their forced set of circumstances. Many have found themselves jobless in these trying times, frightened and wondering what to do next. The interesting twist is that a large percentage of those laid off have often said that they did not "love" their job. The job has represented security, which is of prime importance, however, in many cases, their work was not completely satisfying or fulfilling. In fact, a study prior to this economic downturn showed that 87% of people polled disliked their jobs. Since we spend approximately 75,000 hours at work from age 25 to 65, this seems to be an even sadder circumstance than a difficult job market.

Connie Delonge, president of Breakthrough Grief Recovery, wanted to start her own business for  a very long time, but was afraid to take the leap and leave her job. She had been in the mortgage business for years for financial reason’s only. "It is very stressful work and even though I am good at it, it was never very fulfilling for me."  Connie’s true passion has been grief recovery support which she had been doing for years on a volunteer basis through Horizon Hospice of Poway, California.

"This economy forced me to find a new way to pay the bills. My gut was telling me that at this point in my life, I could no longer work at a job that was unsatisfying. Life is too short to not go after your dreams.  My life coach, Allison Maslan, helped me move past my fear of becoming an entrepreneur, and then supported me in laying out a step-by-step strategic plan to create my own grief counseling business. I have not been this excited about my life in years."

Connie is just one example of many individuals that are taking advantage of a challenging time and turning it into an opportunity to take the entrepreneurial leap. Slowdowns don’t have to be roadblocks to starting new businesses, experts say.

It might seem counter-intuitive to start a new business when the economy is flailing, but a recession can actually be the ideal time for launching a new enterprise. In fact, many well-known and successful organizations were born during hard times because it is often easier to start a new company than find the right job during a recession.

Here are some examples of companies that laid the groundwork of their enterprise during tougher economic times. Hyatt Corporation opened its first hotel’s doors at the Los Angeles International Airport during the Eisenhower recession (1957 to 1958). Bill Gates and Paul Allen launched Microsoft during the recession in 1975. CNN started its humble beginnings as a little-known station called The Cable Network News during the 1980 recession. The Fortune 500 is full of companies that were founded during down times: from Johnson and Johnson, to Disney, Cisco, and Intel.

Prerna O’hara, president of Your Company Concierge has been working with the Blast Off Program over the past several to months develop her dream business. She was also employed as the Concierge/Patient Liason for a San Diego medical and day spa. When they let her go due to the down economy, it was the perfect excuse for Prerna to speed up the pace of her new business launch. She is taking the expertise she offered her employer and putting it to work for herself.

"I may have taken longer to get my business up and running, so losing my job has actually motivated me to open for business now. As Allison has said, poverty is a great motivator and failure is not an option! I have had so much fun putting all of this together. I am so passionate about my new business and I am dedicated to making it work."

A recession can offer many advantages to a budding entrepreneur including, lower rents, better deals with suppliers, and employees are often willing to start in for less. Often the worst of times can end up being an opportunity for the best of times, just as turning lemons into lemonade could be your most profitable and satisfying venture. If you have a vision, go for it. It is never going to be the perfect time to go after your dreams. But if you don’t do it now, years could pass and you may find yourself saying, "Why didn’t I?"

Allison Maslan, HHP, CCH has been an entrepreneur for the past 25 years and has a vibrant array of nine successful businesses to her credit. She is an author, life and career coach, homeopathic physician and international speaker. Allison is the president of The Blast Off Life and Business Coaching. Through her years of working with thousands of clients on a one-on-one basis, she has come to understand how and why human beings create their own personal limits in every aspect of their lives. Her Blast Off One-on-One Coaching Program and Blastation Interactive Life Coaching Software help people tap into their passions, learn to release their self-limiting roadblocks, and guides them through a step-by-step flight plan for success and fulfillment in all areas of life. Check out Allison's site at www.myblastoff.com. 

stop, drop, & roll: how to prepare for change

  

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“It’s not that some people have willpower and some don’t.
It’s that some people are ready to change and others are not.”
James Gordon

Change is a funny thing. Sometimes we want it so badly and we'd do anything for it. Sometimes we're so scared of it that we'd give anything to stop it from happening. Change has played a big part in my life over the past year. I cannot think of a year when I've changed more than 2009. While I'm still working at the same place and living in the same area, almost everything in my life has changed dramatically over the past 12 months. My relationships with others, my relationship with myself, my understanding of the world, my actions and reactions, my thoughts and way of thinking -- all of these things have undergone major transformations this year. I often look around at where I am now and ask myself, "Why? Why now? What was so different about this year that made it so special?" Much as I scratch my head and ponder these questions, the only real answer that seems to stick with me is: I was ready. 

It took a long time -- a lot of years of doing things to make myself stronger and, in some ways, harder -- to get to the point where I was ready for change. I don't think I even knew I was ready. I just looked around one day and it hit me like a bat to the head: I had to change things. I had to change things. I had that cliched experience of looking around and realizing that this was my life and I didn't like it one bit. I'd thought this many times before. I'd always wanted a different life. I'd always thought that "someday" things would be different. It wasn't until about a year ago that I realized that I had to make things different. I had to change them. It seems simple enough, realizing I had control over my life, but it wasn't simple to get to that point in my life. As the Indigo Girls sing in "Least Complicated" (click to listen): "The hardest to learn was the least complicated." It was such a simple notion -- take control of your own life -- but it was such a complex one for me to grasp. 

I don't think I'm alone in this. I think it takes a lot of people -- a lot -- to realize that they can control their own lives. I think many people never realize it at all and end up floating along on whatever path they happen to find themselves drifting down. I was that person. I was that drifter, just floating and thinking I'd get there someday. I had hope that things would work out, but I didn't want to work for it. I just thought it would happen. Well, I can tell you from personal experience...things don't "just happen." Yes, sometimes there are those moments of excitement when things seem like they're falling in place. Yes, there are times when things seem like fate or coincidence. But the best things -- the really great things -- happen when you're working towards them, when you're making the changes and when you're putting in the effort to make yourself better. 

But how did I do it? And how can you? I don't know if I have any true and definite answers to those questions. I wish I could post a step-by-step plan for how I changed, but I know that these things are really personalized and, if you want to change, the way to do it really depends on how you are as a person and what exactly it is that you want to change. Even though there isn't a formula for change, I can offer some suggestions and some advice on how I got from where I was to where I am now... 

Stop, Drop, and Roll: How To Ready Yourself For Change 
 

1. Stop being afraid. It's so easy to be scared. Believe me, I know how much courage it takes to willingly choose to change. It really can be terrifying, the thought of changing your life, of changing yourself. I honestly think it was that fear that held me back for so long. I knew I needed change. I could sense something that needed to be different in my life, but I was so afraid. If you really want to change, you have to stop being afraid. You have to take whatever fear you're experiencing and just let it go. As you can probably guess, this is not easy -- but it is the only way to really prepare yourself to change. 
   
   
2. Drop your old ways. Sounds so obvious, right? If you don't like how your life is, just stop doing what you're doing, right? If you've ever tried to stop your habits or break your routines, you know just how difficult this can be. In theory it sounds so great, but it can be really, really hard to change things and to make choices that are different from those you'd made in the past. It was nearly impossible for me to alter some of my habits when I decided that I needed to change and it certainly didn't happen over night. It took a long time -- probably years if you count all of those failed attempts from the past -- to get where I am right now, but I know with absolute certainty that I would not be here if I hadn't changed my old ways. 
   
   
3. Roll with the punches. As I mentioned in #1, change can be really scary. Most people don't like it all that much, especially when it's hard. For this reason, you have to to learn to let go of your preconceived notions of what "should" be and live in the moment. Rolling with the punches isn't always easy (and was especially difficult for a Type A girl like myself), but it's the only way to really accept change in your life. If you're having trouble with this, I'd suggest reading The Power of Now or Loving What It Is. Both of those books really helped me out when I was trying to adjust to living in the moment and accepting my new life for what it was, changes and all. That whole go-with-the-flow thing didn't come easily to me (still doesn't sometimes!), but it's definitely an essential attitude to have when it comes to changing. 

As we all know, change can be so brutal sometimes. It's hard to face it when it's forced upon us, but it can be even more difficult when we're trying to implement it ourselves. At that point, change becomes a choice and, for that reason, it's something we can so easily avoid or give up on. Changing yourself is really hard work and these three steps are only the beginning. They are only small bits of advice to help you ready yourself for change. Around this time of year, people are thinking a lot about change, about making resolutions and changes. Recognize that change is hard, but you really do have the ability to change anything in your life. What it really comes down to, or at least what it came down to for me about a year ago, was being ready. If you're not ready for it, you won't change. But if you are ready...well, you have the amazing ability to turn your whole life upside down... 

How do you ready yourself for change? 
What advice do you have for those who want to make changes? 

how to let go and reclaim your life

 (♥)

Today's post was written by Henri Junttila, creator of the awesome site Wake Up Cloud. I recently came across Henri's site when he left a comment on mine and I've been such a fan ever since. On Henri's site you can discover your passion in 5 days and get conscious about your life. I was thrilled that he wanted to write a guest post for Positively Present and I certainly wasn't let down when he emailed me his article. Henri's take on letting go is well-written and worth a read (or two!). Enjoy! 

Letting go is easier said than done, or is it? It’s nothing new that we like to complicate things and I am no different. Making changes in your life only happens when you are truly ready. Your mind is meant to think thoughts and it can easily become overwhelming and frustrating, especially when you start to taking them seriously.

Letting go for me means allowing things to be as they are and accepting the present moment just as it is. For the longest time I wanted to control and was horrified of letting go. I am not saying that I do not do this now, because I do, but to a lesser extent. It can be hard to let go and be at peace when tough things come at you.

At those times all you can do is your best. One of the topics that gets me off-balance is money. I have a deeply rooted belief about money and being afraid of not having enough and not being able to take care of myself or the people around me. By being aware of my thoughts and just doing my best, I know that I am constantly making progress.

We live in a society where quick results are expected. To be honest, I am very impatient and get frustrated easily when things are not going my way. We all have our pet peeves and they are there for a reason. In year or three you will see how much you’ve grown. There is no rush to get anywhere and there is no competition. Enjoy the ride and have fun.

Let Go of the Past

“Most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy.”
 Robert Anthony

Some people constantly think of the future, while others dwell on the past. The past is tricky, because your mind can distort and make you believe things that did not really happen, or you make the events that did happen worse. A good example is when you experience someone passing away that was very close to you.

The first reaction is to dwell on how much you will miss this person, but have you ever thought about changing your perspective? When I cannot just let go I will try different things to see if I am missing a piece of the puzzle. So instead of dwelling on what you have lost, you could think about the positive things and the moments you had that brought joy.

When you dwell on the past, you suffer now. Why are you doing that to yourself? Feeling bad, depressed and being negative is pleasurable in some way, which is one of the reasons we do it. We think it will bring us something. Being less serious about life will allow you to let go. Playfulness is something a lot of people are re-discovering, which is awesome. We have been way too serious up until now ;).

Let Go of the Future

 “The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.”
 Chuck Palahniuk

Worrying about the future is my specialty. I project what will happen in the future and my mind convinces me that it is true. I won’t have enough money. No one will love me. I won’t succeed. Just a few years ago I was extremely negative, stressed and worried constantly about the future.

That was also the time I started meditating on a daily basis and reading books on spirituality, such as the Power of Now, which is still one of my favorites. When you really want to change, the tools will be given to you. It’s interesting how the universe works. We still have a lot to learn and can only marvel.

So what helps me let go of the future? The ability to question myself and realize that my thoughts are not the authority on the future. If you’re like me and tend to think about the future and not having enough, look inside and ask yourself how you can predict the future? Are you suddenly a psychic? ;)

Playfulness is your secret weapon. So what if you end up broke and without friends? The cool thing about imagining the future is that it is most likely the worst it’s going to get. Have you ever imagined something bad and had it happen to you, and you went “huh, that wasn’t so bad after all”?

Let Go of the Fear of Rejection

 “Nothing is miserable unless you think it so;
 on the other hand, nothing brings happiness unless you are content with it.”
 Boethius

The fear of not being liked, of not being accepted or even respected is another big one for me. I’ve always been an introvert and always conscious of what I should and should not say. As I gathered more experiences under my belt, I started to learn that being yourself is the only thing that you can do.

Being someone who you are not takes a lot of energy and ultimately destroys you on the inside. Remember, when you’re trying to be someone you’re not, you’re attracting people that resonate with the person you are trying to be. In simpler terms: you are attracting people that do not match who you REALLY are.

I haven’t gone from an introvert to an extrovert yet, because it is always better to take things one step at a time. I have become more self-confident in who I am and letting myself be just a little bit ridiculous, because that’s who I really am. That’s who we all are. When I talk to people that have never met me they usually get that surprised look on their face thinking “this guy is crazy” but then they usually also go “but I like him”.

By being yourself, you are attracting those that you want to attract. If you’re looking for a soul-mate, you have to be yourself, because you are never going to meet the love of your life if you cannot love yourself.

If you are yourself and people reject you, you should be happy, because those people were not a good match for you anyway. See it as a filter. Be yourself, be playful and let go.

Let Go of Your Programming

 “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
 Eleanor Roosevelt

When I got out of school at the ripe age of 18, I became a professional online poker player. It was a fun ride that taught me a lot about discipline, money, people and spirituality. There are a lot of things you have to let go of when you choose to make money in an unconventional way.

At an early age we start taking in the labels and beliefs of our parents, our friends and our culture. We are supposed to go out there, go to school, get a good job, a nice house, a nice car, get a kid or two, retire and do what we really want to do.

Why should you wait? If you’re unhappy now, then that is a sign that you’re not following your passion and doing what you truly love. I played poker for almost five years. Earlier this year I decided enough was enough. I had been sick of playing for the last few years and I was only doing it because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to make a living doing anything else.

I jumped into building websites about topics I was passionate about. Even that wasn’t enough. Last month I started feeling like something was missing. This was not something I wanted to be doing for the rest of my life. Making money was great, but ultimately I wanted to help people grow.

If you’re waiting for something to happen, stop. There are no perfect circumstances. You will never be ready. I am not saying you have to do everything all at once. If you’re working in a job you hate and you love coffee, you can work during the day and start writing, video blogging or even podcasting about coffee on your free time.

You are the one who are responsible for how you react, how you feel, what you do and how your life looks. It’s easy to hide from that fact, which is exactly what most people do, but you are different. I can feel it.

It’s time.

Let go and reclaim your life.

You deserve it.

Looking for more reading material today (a.k.a., distractions from doing work or anything productive)? Check out the guest post I did on The Bold Life called "Traveling by Train: Lessons on Going with Life's Flow." In the article, you'll find out how I learned a lot about life just by walking down the aisle of a train! You never know where you'll find inspiration!
 

when you want to cry, laugh instead

  (♥)

Laughing In My Sleep

Though I hate to admit it now, I used to be the kind of person that would wake from sleep crying. I was sad and even my subconscious knew it. Last week, I found myself startling awake and it took me to realize what was happening: I was laughing. Never before had I woken to the sound of my own laughter and I was more than delighted to hear such a happy sound as the first sound of the day. I was also a little bit shocked. Did people actually do this? Did they actually wake up because they were laughing so hard in their sleep? After I eventually fell back to sleep and re-awoke for the day, I brought up the situation to my mom, who replied with, "Oh, yeah, I've probably done that about five times!" Though I was surprised to hear that I wasn't alone in this wake-up-laughing thing, I wasn't all that surprised that it had happened to my mom. After all, if anyone were going to wake up in their sleep laughing, it would be my happy mother. It hit me then, as I was talking to her, that I was becoming more and more like her. I was becoming the kind of person that woke up laughing, not crying. 

While this might not seem like a huge thing, to me it meant the world. It was some sort of proof that all of this happiness I've been feeling isn't entirely created by me in the daytime. There is something deeper to this happiness, something that transcends from my waking to my sleeping state, and that makes me feel profoundly grateful. I remember waking the other day to the sound of my own laughter and thinking, "This cannot be happening." It just seemed to me like such a sign that things really had changed for me, and that they were changed in a more permanent way than I could ever imagine. I wasn't, as I had been in the past, finding happiness outside of myself. I had finally found a happiness that came from within me, a happiness that was, in fact, bubbling out of me in the form of laughter.

When You Want To Cry, Laugh Instead

When I found the image above as I was searching for a picture to fit with this post on laughter, I couldn't have been more elated. It was perfect. Both laughter and tears are responses that we need in our lives -- both are necessary at different times -- but sometimes we really do have a choice between the two. There are times when we could look at a situation and we could just as easily laugh about it as we could cry about it. Before I used to be the crying, woe-is-me type, seeing a situation for the worst things about it. Now, when faced with a difficult situation, I find that it's a lot easier (and less messy!) to laugh about it. Of course there are some situations (like the death of a loved one or a horrible heartbreak) in which only crying will do. But there is that old saying, "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened," that really should be remembered more often. I used to focus on the crying part, but now I can see that laugher is the way to go.

As anyone who has had hardship or heartache in his or her life knows, it's not always that easy to get to a place where you're waking up laughing instead of crying. Emotions are complex things and you cannot force yourself to feel a certain emotion if you really don't want to feel it (and trying to do this really only masks the pain...) so it's important to realize that it's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to feel pain. What's not okay is dwelling on it. There really is -- if you really think about it -- no point in dragging out the sad and mad and unhappy emotions. The only person you're hurting when you do this is you, and I'm sure that's not what you want. You certainly don't want to feel any more pain than you have to, right? So take a deep breath, take a step back, and look for what you can laugh about (or, at the very least, smile about).

You might be surprised that finding something to laugh about (even in the most awful of situations) isn't as hard as you might think. And don't let that guilt hold you back either! It's tempting to think if something is sad or upsetting that we shouldn't still be happy or be laughing, but the only thing you're achieving by having that attitude is holding yourself back from happiness. You deserve to be happy -- no matter what's going on in your life -- and you deserve to laugh. No matter what tough time you're going through, resisting laughter isn't going to help you out. In fact, laughing will really bring you into the moment and will help you to see that positive things in life are all around you if only you take the time to look.

Believe me, I know this is so much easier said than done. If someone had told me a year ago that I would be woken by the sound of my own laughter, I can honestly say I would have called that person a flat-out liar. I would never have believed that it would be possible for someone like me to wake up feeling the utter joy that comes with laughing, but here I am, sitting here and writing about it now, my mouth upturned in a smile just thinking about what it felt like to wake in that strange NYC bed, my body shaking with the happy sounds of laughter. It is possible to get to a point where you feel more like laughing than crying, when, like me, laugher becomes your more natural release. It's not easy, but I'm going to give you some ideas on how to get started.

How To Laugh and Laugh and Laugh

• Surround yourself with happy people. It's pretty hard to be happy and find laughter if you're around negative people all the time. You have to surround yourself with people who bring you up, who make you laugh when you are down, and who support you wholeheartedly. It's taken me awhile to realize that sometimes these people aren't who you think they're going to be. Sometimes the good people in your life are surprising. Sometimes you wish people could be better for you than they are. Nonetheless, it's up to YOU to decide who is good for you and who is not. And don't even pretend like you don't know. If you sit down and really, really think about it, you know whether or not someone is good for you. Still not sure? Ask yourself this: "How do I feel when I'm with this person?" If you generally feel happier and uplifted, this person is a good person for you to have in your life. If not, well, you know what to do...
  
  
• Open your mind up to being happy. For me this was the hardest thing in the world to do. I thought being unhappy was such a part of me that I would never escape it. I thought I had to accept it. In fact, I thought I needed it to be who I was. I didn't think I could be a writer or a creative person if I was a happy person. Well, I can tell you with 100% certainty that that's just not true. I write more now that I ever have and I'm at the happiest point in my life. If you don't open your mind to being happy, you won't allow it to happen to you. I pushed happy away a for such a long time and missed out on so much. Now that my mind is open to being happy, I find happiness in everything (well, almost everything...ha!). If you're open-minded about happiness you'll be able to embrace the happiest things (like laughter!) much more easily.
  
  
• Stop behaviors that bring you down. Listen up! This point is C-R-I-T-I-C-A-L! You have to, have to, have to stop doing the things that bring you down. You will never, ever be truly happy if you have activities or people in your life that are negative for you. And, believe me, people who aren't truly happy don't do a lot of honest, hearty laughing (unless, of course, you're a comedian). It's not easy -- AT ALL -- to give up things that bring you down. It's so much easier to keep doing what you know, what's within your realm of comfort, but remember this: If you don't change, your life won't change. I had to give up a lot of things -- a whole lifestyle of partying, in fact! -- to get to the place I am right now. It was not, and still is not, easy, but it's worth every single second of awkwardness or feeling left out to know that, deep down, I'm truly, amazingly happy. Just yesterday, I said to my friend Blair, "I'm so excited about my new, sober, honest, awesome life!" I wouldn't be where I am today without all of the changes I've made. So if you want to be happy, start changing!  
  
  
• Find yourself a fantastic therapist. Therapy is one of those things that a lot of people have strong opinions about. They usually think it's wonderful and that everyone should be in it or they think it's a waste of time and money. I used to be of the latter group, having had some pretty shitty waste-of-time therapists, but now that I've found a fantastic therapist that works well with me, I'm definitely joining those in the former group! Therapy is hard. Sometimes it really sucks having to deal with things you don't want to deal with. Sometimes it really sucks having to listen to things you don't want to hear. But I know, without a doubt, that I wouldn't be in the place of happy that I am now if it weren't for all of the hours I've spent in therapy since last November. It took many, many years for me to find a therapist that worked for me, but I'm so glad I didn't give up the search. Therapy -- good therapy -- has changed my life and it can change yours too if you find the right therapist for you.

If you want to be the type of person that wakes up laughing, the type of person who can see the good in even the worst situations, you have to work at it. You have to give up your notions of guilt (you deserve happiness!) and the idea that happiness isn't something we should all have all the time. Bad things happen -- oh, yes, they do! -- but that doesn't mean we can't be laughing, still enjoying life, and living every moment to the fullest. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be laughing, but don't forget that it really is all up to you. I didn't wake up laughing in my sleep last week because I just keep doing the things that made me unhappy while surrounding myself with people that brought me down. No, I woke up laughing because I took control of my unhappy state and I turned it around. The laughter I experienced was, for me, a true, honest sign that things really have changed and that, about a year after I started this journey down the path of self-improvement, I am exactly -- and happily! :) -- where I've always wanted to be. 

Want to learn more about me? Check out the interview I did this week over at SuperForest! Read "A Positively Present Interview" by clicking here. (The post was tagged with "celebrity"! How fun is that!?) Even if you don't care to read the interview, you should definitely check out SuperForest. It's an awesome site and one of my newly found favorites!
 

 

happiness is an open road

  
“One’s destination is never a place,
but a new way of seeing things.”

Henry Miller

Today I'm heading out on a road trip. Though it's not a particularly long one like some of the drives I've been on (driving from DC to LA!), it's still pretty exciting. I do a fair amount of traveling, but I don't do all that much of it in a car. There's something about traveling in the car that's immensely freeing. You can, at any point, stop. You can, at any point, turn down a different road. While I have no problem traveling by plane or train (boats are a different story!), there is something truly unique about being in a car and being able to have some control over where you're going and when you will stop driving. Maybe for me it comes down to a control thing, but I also think it's really fun to just be driving along, traveling through towns and seeing the world from a new, through-the-window perspective.

That's what a road trip does for me -- it offers me a fresh perspective on the world. When I received that Henry Miller quote in my in-box today (after I'd already planned to write about this exciting upcoming adventure!), I thought, "How perfect! And how true!" Going to new places is great -- I really do enjoy to travel -- but the true excitement is not so much the destination as it is the way you have an opportunity to see the world differently. Even if you're going to a place you're familiar with, if it's somewhere you don't go very often, it's likely to allow you a chance to think about things (and to see the world) differently. As Miller said, it's the new way of seeing things that's really our destination. The place is just the means to get to that new perspective that so many of us crave.

Some people have little interest in seeing new places or doing new things. While I definitely find it difficult to break out of my routines sometimes (a whole weekend away from my beloved dog and Mac computer! Ahh!), I always find myself feeling refreshed and excited when I return from a trip. In fact, some of my greatest ideas have come to me while sitting on a plane, train, or in the car. Something about the movement -- the going from here to there and back again -- really inspires me. There is something about going away and coming back again that makes me feel alive.

Not only am I inspired by the actual travel, but I also find it so exhilarating to see and do new things, something I'm more likely to do when I'm in a different place. It takes a lot from me to break away from my routines, but when I do, I find that inspiration is lurking everywhere. In new places I'm always finding new things to ponder and to write about. It's as if, in new places, I find words and sentences and paragraphs lying about and I can just wander around and pick them up, tucking them in my pocket for future use. I often wonder if these people and things and places have any idea how I am absorbing them, turning them into words, and saving them up for later. I often wonder if all of the new experiences realize just how valuable they are to me.

After I decided to write this post, I obviously went scouring the web for a perfect picture. When I first saw the image above, I thought to myself, "Yikes! That looks dangerous!" but then I realized how happy those people looked (and I told myself that the car must be stopped) and I realized just how free the picture made me feel. Something about the hands over the eyes made me think about how much I want to not just see things but feel them as well. I love looking around and finding tangible things that I can read and touch and see, but I don't really spend as much time as I should just feeling -- especially when it comes to awesome experiences like road trips. Often I'm so concerned with what's passing by the window that I don't really stop to ask myself, "What am I feeling right now?"

On this trip, I plan to do that, to ask myself and pay attention to how I'm feeling. I'm going to pay attention not only with my eyes (inspiration is everywhere!) but with my heart and mind as well. I'm going to use this weekend away as a chance to really experience living in the moment, to really feel the moment. I believe that happiness is just like an open road -- it's freeing and exciting, part directed and part unknown. Today I'm looking forward to driving down that open road and really letting the happiness sink into me. I'm sure I'll come across all kinds of new and interesting things that I will take with me in my mind, but my focus will be on feeling the moments as they're happening and realizing that there really is nothing better than having a positive mindset and setting out on an open road. 

Comments on this post are closed because I'm on the road! :)

Photo Credit: (♥)