positively present

best friends forever?: lessons on friendship (part II)

"Be careful the environment you choose for it will shape you;
be careful the friends you choose for you will become like them."

W. Clement Stone

 

As you may have read in "Best Friends Forever?: Lessons on Friendship (Part I)," I've been struggling a lot lately with one of my friendships. This particular friend and I have had our ups and downs, but lately I've started to wonder whether there were more downs than ups. Or, rather, the downs were much lower than the ups were high. That being said, anyone who has ever been in this type of situation knows how hard it is to end a friendship. It's different -- harder, in some ways -- than a break-up with a significant other is, especially when you've spent a great deal of your formative years with this person. 

You see, with friendships, you're dealing with someone you've shared everything with (even the most embarrassing things, even details about your romantic life). You're dealing with a person who has probably see you at your god-awful worst, someone who knows the best of you and the worst of you. You're also dealing with someone who you obviously click with in some important way. It's not all that easy for most people to find close friends, so the thought of losing one can be terrifying.

Ending a relationship with a friend is something many people don't have to think about doing; it often just happens gradually -- two people drifting away slowly as their lives change. People change and grow and often they grow apart. That's okay and completely normal. What doesn't feel all that normal is when you encounter a situation in a friendship where you're wondering, "Is this worth it? Is the hurt I'm feeling worth the friendship I'm saving?" 

Those are the big questions. The change-your-life questions. Because, let's face it, friends have a huge impact on our lives. Whether you realize it or not, the friendships you have shape who you are. That old saying "you are who you hang out with" really does ring quite true. Which is why it's really important to evaluate your friendships and determine who you want to spend your time with. Life is short and you should surround yourself with people who bring you up, who make you happy, who strive to make you the best you that you can be. 

Unfortunately, you might find, as I have a time or two, that a friend just isn't doing those things for you. S/he is hurting you, bringing you down, causing you pain. You might realize this, but you might also share good times with that person. Ups and downs are normal, but when the downs are lower than the ups are high, it's time to move on. Here's how you know when it's time to go:

 

Should I End This Friendship?: Must Ask Questions

 

Does your friend act in a way that embarrasses or hurts you?

Does your friend put you in uncomfortable situations?

Does your friend leave you feeling emotionally drained?

Does your friend bring out the worst qualities in you?

Does your friend make you feel de-valued as a person? 

Does your friend create negative emotions (anger, hate, envy)?

Does your friend encourage you to take part in harmful activities?

Does your friend treat you with disrespect and unkindness?

Does your friend put zero effort into the friendship?

Does your friend seem to be in constant competition with you? 

Does your friend make you feel smothered and confined in any way?

 

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you're probably in a toxic friendship and it's probably in your best interest to get out of that friendship as soon as you can. Of course, it won't be easy. Breaking up a relationship of any kind never is easy, but it's something that must be done if you want to live a positive life and enjoy the present moment. Being positive means being around people who bring you up -- and if you answered yes to the questions above, you're not with someone who is bringing goodness into your life. Here are some tips for how to make the end easier: 

 

5 Tips for Ending a Friendship

1. Create some space. The first thing you should do when you know a friendship needs to come to an end is give yourself some space. Don't make plans with your friend and find other things to do when s/he makes plans with you. Space will help you get some perspective and make the break-up easier. It might be hard to do at first, but it will get easier with time. 

2. Be open and honest. If at all possible, be honest with your friend. Explain to him or her why you can no longer spend time together. This is a very hard thing to do, but honesty really is the best policy. At the very least, be open and honest with yourself as to why you're ending the friendship. You should be well aware of why this relationship didn't work so you can avoid trouble in future friendships. 

3. Spend time with others. Losing a friend can be very painful, so while you're letting go, it's important to spend time with other people who bring you up. Don't waste time talking about your old friend; instead, focus on the present and do enjoyable activities with those who are positive influences on you. It won't completely heal the sadness you feel, but it will certainly help you. 

4. Focus on you. Realize that this friendship has ended (or is ending) because you have recognized the importance of having positive, uplifting people in your life. By choosing to end a toxic relationship, you are showing yourself love. As you're struggling with the end of the friendship, focus on the good things about yourself and treat yourself with kindness. 

5. Allow yourself to be hurt. There's no denying it: losing a friend sucks. It's a really tough thing to go through (sometimes even harder than a break up!) and it's okay to be hurt. Allow yourself to feel upset, hurt, sad. Feeling the loss is okay and perfectly normal. Allowing yourself to feel down is the first step to getting back on your feet again. 

 

Ending a friendship can be one of the hardest experiences. Just getting to the point when you realize it needs to end is difficult enough, but actually ending it -- and dealing with the emotional aftermath -- can be devastating. Coming soon in "Best Friends Forever?: Lessons on Friendship (Part III)," I'll tackle the issue of how to cope with the loss of a friendship. 

Have you ever had to end a friendship? If so, how did you go about it? 
Feel free to share your ideas, suggestions, and resources
on friendship in the comments section below!  

live and let live: how detaching can improve relationships

 

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In the latest The Oprah Magazine, there's a great article by Martha Beck about how you can improve relationships with others by not caring what they do. Sounds like it wouldn't work, right? How can you have a good relationship with someone and not care what they do? According to Beck, you can both not care and love someone; in fact, she argues that not caring is a great way to love someone. By not caring, we can stop trying to change those we love. We can fully accept them for who they are and, as a result, be at peace with whatever they do. Beck advises that we do the following: 

 

The 4 Steps for Detaching from Loved Ones

Step 1. Choose a person you love, but about whom you feel some level of anxiety, anger, or sadness. 

Step 2. Identify what this person must do to make you happy, but using this sentence: "If _________ would only __________, then I could feel ____________."

Step 3. Delete the first part of the sentence, so it reads: "I could feel _____________." Realize that this is the only honest truth in the sentence and know that you have the power to feel that way no matter what anyone else says or does. 

Step 4. Shift your focus from controlling others to creating your own happiness. 

 

These four steps create an environment for those around you to feel loved and accepted -- no matter what they do -- and they also create an environment in which you can be happy and at peace with those you love. Now, much as I love Beck's advice, these four steps can be really hard. If you are dealing with a family member that has an outrageously abrasive personality or a loved one who is battling an addiction, for example, deleting that first part of the sentence (in #3) can be really difficult. Especially if you are around the person often. 

Detaching yourself from others' behaviors is great, in theory, but it's a difficult thing to actually do. It takes a lot of personal strength and mental bravery to recognize that you can be happy and positive no matter what other people do. It's completely possible -- it's just hard. Which is why I think these additional tips will help anyone trying to master these steps. 

 

• Find your own unique sources of happiness. Relying 100% on one person is a big no-no when it comes to having a happy relationship. It's key to find some activities/people you can enjoy outside of the relationship you have with a significant other and/or family member. 
  
  
  
• Surround yourself with external support. If you're struggling to understand someone you love or having trouble dealing with his/her actions, it's essential to have some support outside of your home environment. Find a close friend or a therapist you can talk to. 
  
  
  
• Remember that you are powerless over others. This is such an important thing to remember if you want to improve your relationships (or just live a positive life in general). No matter what you would like to believe, you have zero control over others. Realize this and you will free yourself from a lot of mental anguish. 
  
  
  
• Focus on the positive things about your loved one. If you're struggling to deal with a specific behavior from someone you love, a great exercise to combat any negativity you might be feeling is focusing on the positive things you love about that person. Most likely you've been ignore a lot of positive things!
  
  
  
• Focus on the positive things about yourself. Remember that there are a lot of positive things about you too. Sometimes when we're dealing with an upsetting behavior, we forget to focus on the positive things about ourselves -- like our strength or our resilience. Remind yourself of your awesomeness. 
  
  
  
• Know that who you are is not defined by who you love. Sometimes it can be really hard to deal with a family member or loved one's behavior and it can be even harder to separate ourselves from it. We sometimes take it to be a part of who we are -- but it's not. Who you love (or are related to) is not who you are. 
  
  
  
• Communicate your intentions with the ones you love. If something really bothers you about someone you love, ignoring it can be tough -- as can changing that person. In my opinion, it's best to communicate that you love the person, you don't love the action, but you're going to do your best to accept it.

 

The idea of "live and let live" is a tough one to abide by. As I mentioned, in theory it sounds great, but it's hard to keep it in mind when you're dealing with loved ones who, let's face it, can drive you crazy at times. It's incredibly difficult not to be influenced by the people we surround ourselves with and, unfortunately, we can't always choose who we have around us. And, for that reason, we have to make the most of the relationships in our lives. It's tempting to be critical and to want to change others, but remember that change must come from within and it's not up to us to change other people. Hopefully Martha Beck's exercise and my additional tips will help you (and me!) deal with the difficult behaviors of others, making our relationships -- and our lives -- more positive. 

 

Have you had to deal with difficult behaviors in your relationships? 
How have you handled them? Detachment? Confrontation?
Has the "live and let live" motto worked for you?  

 

how to create good conversation

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Today's post was written by Brian Tracy, author of Full Engagement!: Inspire, Motivate, And Bring Out the Best In Your People. Communicating with others is so important for living a positive life. Unfortunately some people (myself included at times!) struggle with communicating and creating good conversation. Brian's post will help you realize that good conversation is one of the keys to living a positive life -- and he'll provide some great tips on how you can create good conversation in your own life.

 

Almost all successful and happy people are good conversationalists. They have developed an ability to communicate naturally and spontaneously with almost anyone they meet. Good conversationalists are a pleasure to be around and they are welcome wherever they go. Learning the art and skill of good conversation can help you in virtually every human relationship, both at business and at home.

In this post, I'm going to talk about some of the things that you can do to become a more effective conversationalist. As with anything worthwhile, these ideas require practice, over and over, until they become a normal and natural part of your personality. Once you begin putting these points into action, you will feel more confident and competent in your interactions with virtually anyone and everyone you meet. There are three aims and purposes of conversation.

Aim #1
The first is the plain enjoyment and pleasure of self-expression and interaction with other people. One of the most enjoyable things we ever do is to spend time with people we like and whose company we find stimulating and fun. This potential pleasure is the driving force behind all of our social activities. We like to get together with people with whom we have a lot in common and just share ideas, letting the conversation go where it will.

Aim #2
The second aim or purpose of conversation is to get to know the other person better. In sales, and in all kinds of business, you require prolonged exposure to another person in order to get a feel for how he or she thinks, feels and reacts. This can't be accomplished in a short meeting. Many customers will have a salesperson come back several times to converse and explain his product or service. These conversations may cover some of the same ground but their major purpose is to help the customer assess whether or not he or she wants to get involved with the salesperson and his company.

In our personal relationships, there is no substitute for extended periods of conversation in the social development of friendships and more intimate relationships. People who get along very well together have almost invariably spent a lot of time just talking about various subjects as they come up.

Aim #3
The third aim of conversation is to build trust and credibility between two people. This is perhaps the most important thing we do as we proceed through life and it is only possible with the kind of continuous conversation that reveals us to each other.

Sometime ago, I was asked to present a proposal for a strategic planning session for the senior executives of a billion dollar corporation. This presentation was to the president of the company and two of his senior executives. When the presentation was over, the president concluded the formal meeting and suggested that he and I go for a drive.

He called for his car to be brought around to the front of the company offices. We took the elevator down, got in the car and he had his driver take us to a large city park some miles away. When we arrived at the park, he suggested that we get out and walk for a while. We ended up walking for about an hour and a half, with the conversation going back and forth from business to personal life and touching on other subjects. There was no detailed discussion of my proposal, the cost of the strategic planning session, or the logistics. What he seemed to want more than anything else was to get an idea of my general philosophy and approach to life.

At the end of the hour and a half, as we got back into the car, he told me that he had decided to go ahead with the strategic planning session and that he would leave it to me from that moment onward. We then drove back to the company where we parted until the strategic planning session some weeks later. The conversation during the walk in the park had been the clincher.

Conversation Tips
One of the very best ways to learn about another person is to spend unbroken time in their company. I've found that a two or three hour car trip is one of the most revealing experiences you will ever have with another human being. People who have gotten along well for many years working or socializing together in brief stints will often find that an extended car trip brings out elements of their personalities that they did not even know existed.

Before you enter into any serious business or personal relationship with anyone, you should spend several hours with them experiencing the ebb and flow of sustained conversation. It's amazing what you will learn.
Many people think that the art of good conversation is to speak in an interesting and arresting fashion, to be noted for your humor, your ability to tell stories, and your general knowledge of a variety of subjects. Many people feel that, if they want to be better at conversation, they must become more articulate, outgoing and expressive. They think that they must become better talkers.

Nothing could be further from the truth. As you've heard many times before, we come into this world with two ears and one mouth and we should use them in that same proportion. In conversation, this simply means that you should listen twice as much as you talk if you want to get a reputation for being an excellent conversationalist.

The art of good conversation centers very much on your ability to ask questions and to listen attentively to the answers. You can lace the conversation with your insights, ideas and opinions, but you perfect the art and skill of conversation by perfecting the art and skill of asking good, well worded questions that not only make the conversation go in the direction you want, but it gives other people an opportunity to express themselves.

© 2011 Brian Tracy, author of Full Engagement!: Inspire, Motivate, and Bring Out the Best in Your People, Brian is one of the top business speakers and authorites in the world today. He has spoken in almost every city in the US and Canada, and in 58 other countries. He addresses more than 250,000 people worldwide each year. He has written 50 books and produced more than 500 audio and video learning programs on management, motivation, and personal success. He is the president of Brian Tracy International as well as Business Growth Strategies, which is the preeminent Internet business learning portal in the world today. He lives is Solana Beach, California. For more information please visit http://www.briantracy.com and follow the author on Facebook and Twitter.

6 ways to use positive language for positive thinking

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"Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive because your behavior becomes your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny."

Mohandas K. Gandhi

 

The article below was written by Melissa Donovan, founder and editor of Writing Forward, a website packed with tips for better writing and creative writing ideas. Not only does she have great tips on her site, but she's also written a great article about how we can use positive language to create positive thoughts! 

Words are the basic building blocks of language. We use them to build sentences and paragraphs, ideas, and to make conversation. Language allows us to structure and understand our own thoughts and feelings and to communicate intelligibly with others. The words we choose in our writing and in our everyday conversations reveal a lot about our attitudes and thought patterns. Two people can express the same thought using different words, and those two, identical thoughts will take on wildly different connotations. Consider the following two sentences: You don't know how to ride a bike. You can learn how to ride a bike. Both sentences convey the same information regarding whether "you" know how to ride a bike, but each sentence reveals a different attitude. If a child asks to ride a bike, a parent can respond with either of these remarks. Each one will have a different impact on the child. The words we choose when we express ourselves reveal our attitudes but they also affect the people around us. We can use our words to keep people down or we can choose our words to lift people up.

Fostering Positive Thinking Through Language

We can make great strides toward living a more positive life by learning how to frame our thoughts and ideas in more positive terms. By using language with positive connotations and selecting words that are affirmative in nature, we can look at the world through an optimistic lens. When we speak with others, words just come pouring out of our mouths. This is especially true when we're engaging in casual conversations with friends and family. We're so busy with the back-and-forth chatter that we rarely stop to think about how we can frame our remarks in a positive manner. To cultivate positive language, we need to think before we speak and censor ourselves, edit our written communications more carefully, and commit to being more conscious (and conscientious) about the words we use.

Practice a More Positive Vocabulary

Below are some practices you can adopt to cultivate positive language, positive thinking, and a positive lifestyle:

1. Keep a journal in which you practice positive language through creative writing. You can spend five minutes a day writing about anything (you can even make stuff up). Then, go through what you've written and look for negative words: can't, don't, shouldn't, won't, and no. Rewrite sentences that contain negative words and reframe them in a more positive context (like the bike sentences above).


2. Review everything you write. Written communications are the simplest place to start building a more positive vocabulary because you can edit your communications before sharing them. Take a minute to review your emails, text messages, blog posts, and social media updates and see if you can reword negative statements and phrases to make them positive.

3. Monitor the speech of others. It's impolite to correct people or try to convert their vocabulary from negative to positive but you can certainly learn a lot by listening. As you listen, try to identify negative speech patterns and think about how negative language can cause any message to have a negative undercurrent.


4. Monitor your own speech. If you catch yourself using negative words and phrases, stop yourself, even mid-sentence, and reframe your statements in positive terms. If you keep stopping in the middle of your sentences, people will eventually ask why you're doing that. Tell them. Let your friends and family know that you want to develop a more positive outlook, starting with the way you speak. You'll be surprised to discover that a few folks in your circle will be intrigued and may express interest in joining you.


5. Think before you speak. It sounds easy but it's actually rather difficult to put into practice. It's perfectly acceptable to pause when it's your turn in a conversation and give yourself a moment to organize, prepare, and present your thoughts in a positive way.


6. Don't try to eliminate negative words from your vocabulary completely. While working positive language into your thinking, speaking, and writing is healthy, avoiding or ignoring the negative can be a form of denial. For example, "Drive sober" just doesn't have the same impact or sense of urgent importance that "Don't drive drunk" has (and needs to have).

With a little practice, we can use our words to turn a negative into a positive. Learn how to choose words thoughtfully, and eventually your thoughts and behaviors will become as positive as your language.



This article was written by Melissa Donovan, who is the founder and editor of Writing Forward, a website packed with tips for better writing and creative writing ideas. It's one of the best in terms of writing advice so if you're a writer (or someone who writes for any reason), I'd recommend it! 

the upside of conflict: 5 surprising benefits

 (♥)

 

If you're anything like me, you'll typically do what you can to avoid conflict. I dislike fights, despise "talks," and detest angry confrontations. But, despite my distaste for these things, I've found that there are actually some serious benefits to having a bit of conflict in our lives. We can learn a lot about ourselves and the world when we're faced with conflict. And, much as some of us might dislike conflict, it's pretty much an inevitable part of life. So I say, why not look for the good in it rather than dwell on the negative aspects of conflict? Here are five reasons conflict can actually be a good thing... 

 

5 Benefits of Conflict

1. You create new ideas. When you fact conflict, you'll find new ways of seeing things. It's not alway easy to recognize the new ideas, but if you pay close attention, you may start to see someone else's point of view -- or you may come up with an entirely new way to view things based on what arguments and points have been raised in the conflict. Paying attention and really listening to others is key to benefitting from conflict. 

 

2. You learn about others. Conflict is a great way to learn more about others. Whether it's an argument with a significant other or a boardroom full of colleagues, facing conflict is a great way to learn more about others. If you pay attention, you will learn not only about their particular points of view, but also about the way they choose to argue. If you pay close attention, you can pick up a lot of information about others when you actively engage in conflict. 

 

3. You understand yourself. Another surprising benefit of conflict is that you can learn a great deal about yourself when you are participating in conflict. You learn not only what you believe about that particular topic, but you also learn more about how you choose to raise points, what pushes your buttons, and what makes you more open to others. If you listen to what you're saying and pay close attention to your body language, you can learn a great deal about yourself and your conflict style. 

 

4. You see different perspectives. Whether or not you agree with those you are in conflict with, engaging in conflict will allow you the opportunity to see different perspectives -- if you remain open to listening to others. Though you don't have to agree with everything others say, if you want to benefit from conflict you must keep an open mind and be willing to hear with others have to say. You might not agree with another's perspective, but at least you can see it!

 

5. You practice communication. Communication is a critical aspect of living a positive life, and dealing with conflict is one way to practice the way you communicate with others. The less you engage in conflict, the less practice you have communicating about difficult topics -- but the more you engage in it, the more practice you'll have. This is not to say you should engage in conflict unnecessarily -- just don't be afraid of participating when it comes your way because you may benefit from it more than you would think. 

 

It may be tempting to avoid conflict when it comes your way, but realize that there is much that can be gained from facing a confrontation head-on. Waiting to deal with things can be good in some cases -- such as when you're particularly angry and need to cool down -- but often it's best to deal with a situation before it gets out of hand. Conflict can be a hard thing to face, but I do believe there is value in addressing it. Oddly enough, a lot of positive things can come from conflict! 

 

How do you deal with conflict? Is it something you avoid? 
Are there any other benefits to engaging in conflict?