positively present

how to break barriers and create connections

 

All differences in the world are of degree, and not of kind, 
because oneness is the secret of everything.

Swami Vivekananda

With all of the differences in cultures and personalities and opinions and thoughts, it's no surprise that we often don't really understand other people. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, it's hard to connect with someone because you are so, well, different. If you've ever experienced this before (and most of us have), you know how frustrating it can be. No matter how much you might want to connect with some people, it's not always possible. Sometimes it seems as though there are rivers and streams and entire oceans between you and another person. But personal connections are pretty important to our happiness. So what to do? 

First, we need to give some thought to why we have trouble connecting with those who are different than us... I'm going to state right now that I'm not the best at connecting with other people. When I'm in the mood or making an effort, I'm pretty good at it, but those moments are more rare than they probably should be. However, being the way I am sometimes, I know that it can be difficult to forge connections with others and I think I have some ideas on how I can improve my interactions. Hopefully these suggestions will help you out too. When you're struggling to make a connection, especially with someone who is very different from you, here's my advice: 

The Six Steps for Making a Connection

1. Figure out why you want to connect. This first step is a vital one. First, before anything else, you need to figure out why you want to connect with this person. Do you want to connect with him/her because s/he is a coworker you have to be around often? Do you want to create a romantic connection with this person? Do you want to connect on a level that will allow you both to get something out of the relationship? Give some serious thought to this because it's very important to understand the why before you understand the how. Wanting to connect with a coworker on a basic level is very different than wanting to connect with a best friend. There are so many different levels on which we can connect with other people. There's no right or wrong level, but you should definitely assess what level of connection you want to have before you move forward.
   
   
2. Be open and honest about connecting. Don't try to do this on your own. It's really important that you open up to the other person and let him/her know that you'd like to have a better connection. Let him or her know that you want to work on it and you're going to do whatever you can to work towards a better relationship. Depending on the situation, you'll probably want to word this differently. I'd advise not using phrases like "I like to have a deeper connection with you" with someone like your boss or "I think understanding one another better will help us be more productive in the office" with your spouse (unless, of course, you happen to work with your spouse...). Give some thought to how you want to go about bringing up the topic, considering the situation, the other person, and the relationship you want to have with that person. The more open you are, the more likely you'll be to forge a greater bond with that person. 
   
   
3. Determine what walls you might have up. It's always easy to look at the other person and say something like, "I can't connect with him/her because..." It's a lot more difficult to look at yourself and figure out what you might need to improve upon. I have all sorts of walls up -- blocking people out from all different angles -- and I know that it's up to me to address those barriers if I want to figure out how to connect better with others. One of the best ways to deal with this step is to get yourself an awesome therapist. If that isn't an option for you, I'd suggest doing some soul searching to see if perhaps you have some walls in place that others find hard to break through. It's easy to point fingers and say that the other person is difficult to connect with (and, yes, sometimes this is in the case), but often connecting with someone (or lack of connecting) has to do with both people. Looking at yourself can be a great way to understand at least your contribution to the situation. 
   
   
4. Tear those walls down if you can. Once you've figured out that maybe you have something to do with the reason you and another aren't able to connect, you need to work on those issues. Whatever they may be, there's got to be a way to work on them. Again, therapy is great for this. Remember, being conscious of the walls you have up is a great first step and you should be proud of yourself for getting to the point where you actually care enough to think about what you might need to change. However, it's important to actually work on these things after you've acknowledged them. This is definitely one of the hardest steps (for me, at least), but it's the one that can make a HUGE difference in your relationships. In fact, sometimes, if you manage to complete this step, you'll find that a connection has been made. More often than not, I find that I'm the one who is holding back from connecting with others. However, if this isn't you, or if, for whatever reason, you cannot remove certain walls completely, you'll want to move on to #5. 
   
   
5. Ask what's holding others back. Before you give this step a shot, remember not to assume anything. It might seem obvious that someone else has barriers up for a specific reason, but making assumptions about why another person acts is usually a very bad idea. (Trust me, this usually doesn't go over well, even if you're right about why they are doing what they are doing.) Since assumptions are dangerous in almost any form, it's best to flat out ask someone why they are holding back from connecting with you. Yes, this is probably awkward, and may seem nearly impossible when it comes to dealing with those you aren't particularly close with, but, believe me, asking is a lot better than assuming. If you make the wrong assumption, you might be doing more harm than good. And, as awkward as it might seem, you'll feel a lot better when you've reached out of your comfort zone to make a connection with someone else. 
   
   
6. Attempt to break through barriers. Once you've clarified what's holding someone else back, do whatever you can to work on breaking through those barriers. How will you know what to do? Ask! No person is the same so something that might be helpful for creating a connection with one person might be really uncool with another person. In order to work on connecting with someone, you need to figure out what would work for them. Reach out and ask him or her what would help to create a stronger connection. Ask if you can help him or her in some way and offer to be open-minded to any and all suggestions. (Of course, don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable, but do be open to doing things someone else's way.) Communication, connecting, and improving relationships takes (at least) two people, so put in all the effort you can and ask the other person to put in effort as well. The real key here is to be open and honest about establishing a connection and, after that groundwork has been laid, to really work on creating that connection. The hard work will pay off. 

Anyone who knows me knows I'm not exactly a people person. I'm definitely not the type to reach out and make connections with people unless I really feel there is a good reason to. However, I think this holds me back in a lot of ways and I'd like to become better at forging connections and strengthening bonds with others. I'm hoping these six steps will really help me work on this and, for those of you who aren't all that great at connecting, I hope they help you too. Clearly I'm no expert on the subject so I'd love to know what advice you have for connecting with others. 

How do you connect with other people?
 What would you add to the six steps I've listed here? 

[Note: Today I was fortunate to be featured as a guest blogger on the wonderful site The Happy Self. Check out my post "If Life Is a Classroom, You Better Sit in the Front" and take a look around at all of the other awesome posts on The Happy Self.]

how to find your calm before you lose your cool

"Few things are brought to a successful issue
by impetuous desire, but most by calm and prudent forethought."

Thucydides

 

Imagine this Golden Retriever has just been jumped all over by a pack of wild, sandy children, tugging at her ears and pulling at her tail. She wants to nip at them, to treat them as she would annoying little sand gnats, but she's been trained not to. Not only has she been trained, she has a naturally calm and family-friendly nature. I can't speak for all Golden Retrievers, of course, but, for the most part the ones I have encountered are calm, cool, and collected. What I want to know is... how can I be more like the pup in that picture? How can I can keep it together when people are seriously getting on my nerves?

A few days ago, one of my most loyal commenters, Ia, left this suggestion in her comment: "Maybe you have some tips on keeping your cool when people are pushing your buttons." I though this was a GREAT idea, but since the "breaking the spell of someday" post was already underway, I had to put the topic off until today. Those of you who know me are probably reading this and saying to yourselves, "Dani? Write a post about being calm?" I guarantee that no matter who you ask or when you ask, no one that I know would label me as a "calm" person. Anxious, high-strung, high-maintenance, maybe...but calm? That's probably not going to the be the first adjective to come to mind for anyone who knows me well. In fact, now that I think about it, I recall that a close friend of mine once referred to me as a Chihuahua, which is pretty much as far from a calm Golden Retriever as you can get!

So, I guess, what I'm saying is...I don't know if I'm the best person to be giving advice on staying calm. However, I do think I give pretty good advice (even if I don't always follow it) so I'm going to give it my best shot. The one time I find myself most un-calm is when I'm faced with an argument. I don't like conflicts and I don't handle them very well. I love to use the following tactics: yelling, swearing, implementing the silent treatment, and resorting to low blows. Yes, I'm quite the mature young lady. As you can imagine, these tactics have not worked well for me. In fact, they've been the downfall of quite a few relationships. I don't know about you, but I want to be able to handle arguments and conflicts in a calm, mature fashion. So how do I plan to do this? Of course, it comes down to some simple steps that, if used, will guarantee a much better outcome than any silent treatment or screaming match ever could.

How To Find Your Calm (When You Feel Like Punching Someone)

Step 1: Take a deep breath.

Whatever you do, take a deep, deep breath before you react. Not only will this help you to physically calm down, but it will also give you a moment to collect yourself and your thoughts. Deep breaths relax you and the more relaxed you are, the more clearly you will be able to think. And, not surprisingly, the more clearly you can think, the more clearly you can communicate with others. While I don't normally do this, I do think it's a great idea to take a pause before speaking -- especially when in an argument. When I don't think about what I'm going to say, you never know what will tumble out of my mouth! Taking a deep breath is a way to calm myself AND force me to pause and think. One thing, two benefits. What could be better than that?

Step 2: Take a step back. 

Take a step back and look at the situation from the other person's perspective. How might you feel if you were in his or her shoes? Consider this before opening your mouth to lash out and explode with all of the self-focused mumbo jumbo that is likely to be at the forefront of your mind. This isn't always easy. Typically in the heat of the moment we can only think about what we want, how wronged we were. However, it really does help to stop and think, just for a moment, about how the other person might be feeling. There are two sides to every story. In many cases, one person is flat out wrong, but, a lot of the time, both people have valid points to make. Listen to what the other person is saying. Open not only your ears but your mind as well and you'll find that things will go a lot more smoothly.

Step 3: Take a look at yourself. 

Literally look at yourself. What is your body language saying. Body language is HUGE in the world of arguments. You can put someone in a defensive mode simply by standing a certain way. If you have your fists clenched, your body language is saying, "FIGHT!" Is that the message you want to be sending? Okay, it might be, but it's not the message you should be sending if you want the conversation to continue in a calm fashion. Try to use neutral or open body language (arms at your sides, neutral facial expression, etc.). In addition, make an effort to look the other person in the eye. Avoiding conflict is something I love to do, but it never gets you anywhere. I can tell you first hand that when someone has to gasp in frustration, "You're not even looking at me!" the conversation is not going well. No matter how angry or upset you are, the other person deserves your full attention. Stay in the moment. Be present, even when it's painful.

Step 4: Take it down a notch. 

Once you've reviewed Steps 1-3, remind yourself to keep your voice down. Yelling never helps any situation. It doesn't make your point better than someone else's. It doesn't make your argument more valid. All yelling does is prove that you can speak loudly. Good for you. This is not a contest. This is an argument that needs to be resolved and no amount of voice volume is going to make it resolve itself any faster. And don't think that because the other person is yelling that you have to start yelling too. Two yelling people does NOT equal a resolved argument. Have you ever thought back on a situation and thought to yourself, "Wow, I'm SO glad I yelled at that person. I feel so much better now." Personally, that's never happened to me. No matter how much someone has deserved to be yelled at, I never, ever feel better when I do it. So, from now on, I'm going to try my best not to yell.

Step 5: Take a positive pill.  

I bet you all knew this was coming. Look for the positive! Yes, once again, I've said it...but, by now, I bet you're starting to see how looking at things from a positive perspective really does help in almost every situation. In the throes of an argument, it's not always easy to look at the good side of things. We are so focused on winning, on being right, that we're willing to remember (and say) things we might not otherwise. The positive is in everything -- no matter how grim the situation -- but it's up to YOU to find it. If you have to walk away for awhile to re-evaluate, do that. If you need to take a pause, close your eyes, and remember the good, do that. Whatever you need to do to see the positive, do it. Sometimes, I'll admit, there isn't much good in a situation, but, don't forget, no matter what is happening, you are learning and growing from the experience.

Apparently, being calm is contagious. That means that if you follow these steps, the other person in the situation will be more likely to behave in a calm manner if YOU behave in a calm manner. See what I'm gettin' at here? You can start the chain of calm. It won't be easy when you're feeling angry or upset, but I bet you any amount of money that, after it's all said and done, you'll be happy that you chose to find your calm before you lost your cool.

How do YOU find your calm?
Do you have any tips for staying cool when things get heated?

words are my happy sounds

 

 

 

"I'm better with words
when I don't want anything
because then I'm just glad to be alive 
and words are my happy sounds."

Story People

A few days ago my friend Abbey emailed me that quote and I instantly loved it. I have been -- and always will be -- a writer. Writing is, for whatever reason, in my blood. Whether I am writing a short story, a novel, a research paper, a journal entry, a press release, an email, or a blog post, I am always writing something. My fingers are always on the move, finding the keys quickly on the keyboard and sending messages from my mind to my hands to the screen. I love writing. I write that with a fierceness that I cannot accurately describe. This post, if you didn't already guess, is about writing. Many of those who read this post are writers themselves and will probably enjoy it. Some readers don't write and may not think they are interested in a post all about writing. However, bear with me here. Writing is something we all do from time to time. For some people, writing consists of an occasional email. For others, writing is a way of life. No matter who you are, you can (and do) write. (Okay, that's an assumption, but it's hard not to assume that those reading this blog can and do write...) You might not be head-over-heels for the written word like I am, but you can still probably gain something from my experience as a writer so try not to be immediately turned off by the specificity of this topic.

When you think about it., writing is really an amazing thing. Think about it. How many times have you written or read something that has changed you, even a little bit? I have so many memories of moments when reading or writing changed me. I remember little notes from my mom in my lunchbox reading, "I love you." I remember the amazing letter my father wrote to me when I turned twenty-one. I remember writing a letter than moved a boyfriend to tears. I remember jokes typed quickly to friends over Instant Messager. I remember letters of acceptance, letters of rejection. I remember love letters and emails exploding with adoration. I remember harsh words and careful apologies sent through cyberspace to my inbox. I remember life-altering books, reading words that would forever change the way I viewed the world. I remember so many things -- both good and bad -- when I think about the impact words have had on my life. Take a moment to ask yourself: How has the written word transformed my world?  

"Words are sacred. They deserve respect.
If you get the right ones in the right order,
you can nudge the world a little."

Tom Stoppard

My amazing friend Blair (writer of many secretive classroom notes, thoughtful cards, and emailed words of inspiration and encouragement) gave me that quote on a magnet and I have to say that I feel inspired every single time I catch a glimpse of those words hanging on a magnetic strip in my closet. The thought of words nudging the world really speaks to me...which, I guess, it's kinda of ironic, isn't it? Stoppard is writing about words nudging the world and his words have nudged my world. I've read that quote countless times and I cannot stop thinking about how true it is (and how badly I want to write words that will nudge the world, even just a little bit...).

Words are powerful. They can change a mood, a relationship, a nation. They can bring about feelings of hope, despair, or love. They can be simple or complex. They can be meaningful or meaningless. Every day we use words to say little things or big things to one another.  And, as we all know, the lack of words can be just as meaningful as actual words can be. Words, even the absence of them, really can, as Stoppard suggests, nudge the world.

"If you would not be forgotten,
As soon as you are dead and rotten,
Either write things worthy reading,
Or do things worth the writing."

 

Benjamin Franklin

As I'm sure you know, I could record countless quotes about writing here, but that one by Ben Franklin really gets to me. It causes me to think... am I writing things worth reading? (Sometimes yes, sometimes no.) And, more importantly, am I doing things worth writing about? (For the most part, I'd have to say yes to this one.) For me, this quote brings the general concept of writing into focus for me. It makes me think about WHY writing is so important to me. WHY has writing always been one of my favorite things to do? WHY do I love the feeling of a pen in my hand or a keyboard beneath my fingers? WHY is communicating with others via written word so essential to how I live my life?

Not surprisingly, the more I thought about it, the more I realized why I love writing so much. Because it helps me be positive and it helps me stay present. I'll admit that, in the past, writing hasn't been the most positive thing for me. Some of the stories I've written are downright depressing and I know that I've penned quite a few hostile journal entries. However, lately, writing is one of the most positive influences in my life. It reminds that I am here, right now, living in this life. It encourages me to think about what really matters to me, about what I really want to bring to the world through my words. After realizing how positive and present writing makes me feel, I decided to look at these two adjectives a little bit more closely in relation to writing.

5 Ways Writing Keeps Me Positive

1. I feel good about what I'm doing. Because I love writing so much, I feel really good when I'm doing it. There are a lot of things we do in life that don't necessarily make us feel good. Some things, in fact, make us feel downright bad. However, writing is one of those things that makes me feel good and happy. No matter what I'm writing, even something on the most boring topic, brings me happiness.
   
   
2. I am able to express my emotions. I'm not the best at expressing myself (just ask any of my exes) but it's different when it comes to writing. For whatever reason, I am much better at sharing my emotions via the written word. Writing allows me to communicate much more effectively with others, which is obviously a major positive addition to my life. To be able to express how we feel is so important and writing allows me to do that.
   
   
3. I can share bits of myself with others. Not only am I able to release my emotions through writing, I can also share who I am with the world, especially through this blog. Writing is my art and it is my way of telling others who I am. Some people do this through photography or videos or music. For me, words are the way to go. Writing allows me to share, to open up, and this has a really positive and lasting impact on me.
   
   
4. I learn more about who I am (and want to be). When I'm exploring my emotions and sharing myself with others, I learn more about who I am and what I want to be. Of course, this isn't always an easy thing to do but I believe, in the long run, it really has brought a great deal of positivity into my life. Figuring myself out really helps me to live a happier, more aware, life, and writing is one of my favorite ways to get more in touch with myself.
   
   
5. I look at life from different angles. As I've mentioned before, I believe it's really important to see the world from different perspectives. Writing allows me to do this. When I'm writing about something I try to think about different ways to word things as well as different ways to convey certain ideas. Opening my mind and heart to new ideas always ends up leading me down new and exciting paths, something I don't think I would achieve without writing.

 

5 Ways Writing Keeps Me Present

1. I am focused on the current task. When I'm writing, I'm thinking about the words. I'm thinking about the concepts. I'm there, in that moment. Sure, my mind wanders from time to time or I get distracted from what I'm writing, but, for the most part, when I'm writing I am focused on the words I'm putting onto the page (or screen). I'm putting myself in a moment and I'm not allowing myself to be anywhere by where I am right at that point in time.
   
   
2. I spend time inside of my mind. Writing forces me inward. When I write, I'm typically thinking about ideas and trying to craft sentences that make sense. I'm using a lot of different skills inside my head, but, regardless of which tools I'm using, I'm there, in my mind, thinking. I'll admit that I don't always want to be in my mind. Sometimes I'd give anything to be elsewhere, but I do think it's important to spend some time inside of myself, learning about me.
   
   
3. I am always on the look out for new topics. By always thinking about what I'm going to write next, viewing the world from a writer's point of view, I'm paying attention. I'm listening to others' words. I'm looking around at different ways of living or being or acting or feeling. I'm trying to understand what the world is all about so that I can return to the safe haven of my room and write about it. Writing opens my eyes in so many amazing ways.
   
   
4. I look for the details in everything. Just as writing helps me to be on the lookout for new things to write about, it also helps me to notice things I might otherwise miss. I'm always thinking about things in words, attempting to be more specific. I think about how I would describe a situation or a color or an emotion to someone else when I'm experiencing it. This helps me to be a better writer, but it also helps me to be more present in my life.
   
   
5. I can revisit the past and envision the future. As I've discussed before, dealing with the past and the future are important ways to stay in the moment, and, through writing, I am able to address my past and consider my future. When I write about the past/future, I release parts of myself onto the page and/or screen and I free up my mind to focus on the present. There is something about writing that allows for a letting go once the words become a reality.

Writing isn't something that everyone is into, and I get that. Regardless, writing is important. It can affect your world in so many different ways. It's not always easy to write, even for someone like me who loves it, but it can be really meaningful. Consider what it might mean to someone if you wrote something to them. Think about writing and what it means to YOU. I'd love to know what writing means to you...Feel free to share in the comments...

[Note: I was given the amazing opportunity to post as a guest on Calm and Cool. If you're up for reading more of my writing, check out "Train Yourself to Be Positive in 5 Simple Steps" over at Calm and Cool.]

13 ways you distort your thoughts (and how to stop doing it)

 

A photograph is usually looked at, but seldom looked into. 
Ansel Adams

Thoughts are like photographs. We take an image, something that is what it is, and we can change it. We can get closer or farther from it. We can see it in black in white or in color. We can choose to zoom in on a specific portion of the picture. The ideas and images we photograph in our minds can be altered with different lenses. They can be distorted and changed not only by the variety of lenses we are looking through but also by the various ways we develop the the film. Thoughts are amazing. They can be wonderful and useful, but they can also be very far from what is reality (but what, really, is reality?).

Yesterday, as I was looking up ideas for dealing with the blah weather (which, by the way, is still pretty gray though this is a lot more acceptable to me when I'm at home, in bed, sick), I came across a list of thinking distortions. This was posted by Travllr in a comment section on Yahoo! Answers, so I'm not entirely sure who to credit the information to. Travllr noted that David Burns, in his book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, identified the most prominent types of thinking distortions that cause people to upset themselves. I'm not entirely sure if these are his ideas or if he just referenced them in his book. Either way, I'm grateful that I found them. I think I'm guilty of a lot of them and I bet most people are from time to time.

Like taking a photograph, sometimes it's very hard to capture the world, and our interactions with others, as they actually are. It is often hard for us, after images and thoughts and ideas travel through our minds, to have them come out looking the same as they did when they went in. We are all burdened with backgrounds and opinions and life experiences and personalities that affect the way we perceive the world. When you take a moment to think about how different we all are, it's a wonder that we can communicate with each other at all! Take a look at the list of thinking distortions. (Note: I've broken them up a little differently than they were in the comments on Yahoo!) Below each distortion I've written my ideas about how you can avoid each type of distortion to bring clarity and positivity to your thoughts.

13 Thinking Distortions

1. All or nothing thinking.
   Seeing things in black and white; anything short of perfection is seen as failure.
   
   
2. Over-generalization.
   Seeing a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat. 
   
   
3. Mental filter.
   Dwelling on a single negative detail that colors all reality.
   
   
4. Disqualifying the positive.
   Rejecting positive experiences to sustain negative beliefs.
   
   
5. Jumping to conclusions.
   Making negative conclusions not supported by facts.
   
   
6. Mind reading.
   Arbitrarily concluding others are reacting negatively to you without verification.
   
   
7. Fortune telling.
   Anticipating, and experiencing as an established fact, things turning out badly.
   
   
8. Magnification.
   Exaggerating the importance of things.
   
   
9. Minimization.
   Inappropriately reducing the value of things or qualities of others.
   
   
10. Emotional reasoning.
    Assuming negative emotions reflect the way things really are.
    
    
11. Labeling.
    Attaching labels to yourself and others and describing events in emotionally-loaded phrases.
    
    
12. Should statements.
    Motivating yourself with "shoulds" and "should nots" which results in guilt and anger.
    
    
13. Personalization.
    Seeing yourself as the cause for events which you had no control over.

As I mentioned, I stumbled across these accidentally, which just goes to show that you never know what you'll find when you look around! I wanted to share with you what the commenter, Travllr, wrote about these distortions. S/he called these thinking distortions the "little foxes." When s/he is feeling upset due to a thinking distortion, s/he identifies which of the "foxes" is disturbing her and says to that fox, "Shoo!" Eventually, according to Travllr, tranquility returns once the fox has been scared away. So how can YOU scare these distortions away? Keep reading...

How To Stop Distorting Your Thoughts

• Be positive. This sounds simple, but keeping up a positive attitude, no matter what's going on in your life, can really help you to see things more clearly and avoid being trapped by distortion.
  
  
• Be present. Stay in the moment. Think about the now. You are where you are and you are only wasting time if you are focusing on the past (which is over) or obsessing about the future (which might not play out the way you imagine).
  
  
• Be controlling. You can control the way you perceive a situation and the world around you. It's not always easy, but you have have power to think about things the way you want to think about them -- so try thinking about the positive.
  
  
• Be mindful. Be aware of what you are feeling when you are thinking. Sit with your emotions and figure out why you are having them. Once you recognize the distortions and can identify them, you'll be more unlikely to be dismissive of your reactions. Pay attention to what you think.

I'm sure there are tons and tons of ways to avoid distorting your thoughts, but these are the ones that seem to resonate most with me. Don't beat yourself up for having distorted thoughts from time to time; it's hard not to. Think about it like a roll of film (old fashioned, I know!). You take a whole roll, all of your thoughts, and there are bound to be a few that are a little fuzzy or aren't aiming quite where you wanted them to. Being more careful and conscious of how you think should help you create clearer thoughts and clearer thoughts mean better communication with others. Keep adjusting your lens and watching the world from different angles and, before you know it, you'll the get picture you've been looking for.

solitary and social: 10 reasons to be both

 

 

Last night I saw Kings of Leon perform (this is not a picture of them because I wasn't sure if I could use one of their photos but, yes, I was almost that close -- amazing!). If you haven't heard of them, you should definitely visit their website and check them out. They are amazing. The show last night was one of the best I'd been to in a long time. My friend Abbey and I were right up front, palms pressed against the railing blocking the stage, and I was in absolute heaven. One of my favorite songs off their latest album, "Use Somebody," goes like this:

I've been roaming around
I was looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you and all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you

Off in the night while you live it up I'm off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice

Someone like me, someone like me
Someone like me, somebody

I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now, I'm ready now
I'm ready now

Someone like you, somebody
Someone like you, somebody
Someone like you, somebody

I've been roaming around
I was looking down at all I see

 

This song, while I'm pretty sure it's meant to be romantic, reminds me of how much we need others in our lives. I feel like I am the type who is "looking down at all I see," and by that, I mean I am looking down at the ground, thinking and pondering the world from my own perspective. However, as the song goes, I could use somebody and all of their knowledge and words, to better understand the world. While I think my perspective is pretty awesome (ha!), I know that it's only made better by listening to and learning from the perspectives of others.

As I've mentioned before, I'm kind of a loner. I like to phrase it as "independent," but, let's be serious, I just don't like people all that much. Okay, I like them, but I like them in small doses. For whatever reason (and, yes, I'm working on this in therapy!), I prefer to be alone. One of the line's in a Kings of Leon song goes, "we'd be so free/happy alone/sharing a smile/so far from home/and we would laugh/laugh till we cry/making a song/making me lie." I could go on forever about those lyrics (beautiful and so simple!) but the main thing I want to take away from them is being happy alone. Most of the time, I'm pretty happy alone. Personally, I think it's great that I like myself enough to spend time all by myself (especially when I see others who clearly cannot spend a second alone without picking up the phone to figure out who is available to hang out).

Anyway, enough about me. Let's talk about what I really want to talk about which are the benefits of being alone and the benefits of being with other people. I think there's a lot of good in both of these and you should probably have both socialization and solitude in your life (I need to work on the first one!).

5 Reasons to Be Social

1. You can learn a lot from other people. 
   
   Almost every time I spend time with others I learn something new. Whether it's a small, interesting fact that my Dad read about in the paper or news on an old pal's engagement that Abbey recently shared with me, I always learn something new when I interact with others. Not only do I learn new facts, but I also come across new and exciting ideas about life. While I do think I have some pretty good ideas of my own (ha!), I think I definitely learn a LOT from friends and family (and even strangers!).
   
   
2. You do a lot more laughing and smiling.
   
   Who doesn't love laughing and smiling? Umm, no one! Laughing is, as I discussed in the post "laugh it off," pretty awesome. I did a lot of it (as well as smiling) last night and it was great. I woke up in a great mood and so thankful for my wonderful friendship and the great time my friend and I had together last night. Smiling and laughing and sharing things with others can be a great way to connect not only with other people but with the world.
   
   
3. You express yourself in different ways.
   
   I definitely don't so all that much expressing when I'm by myself. While I obviously experience emotions when I'm alone, it's not quite the same as when I'm with other people. I have different facial expressions (or, people are able to see my expressions). I move different and react physically to what others are saying. Most importantly, I get to talk which is a great way for me to express myself. Sure, I can talk to myself (or my dog), but it's not quite the same.
   
   
4. You have to adjust and deal.
   
   Most of the time, I don't want to adjust. I like to have things my way and I have a hard time with compromise. But it's important to learn from experiences with others, even when it's hard to do so. Adjusting gives you a sense of balance and this is really important. It seem's like this would a negative, but it really is a positive. You learn so much from dealing with less-than-ideal situations and you always come away from them a better person.
   
   
5. You receive encouragement and support.
   
   You can always encourage and support yourself, but there's something different about encouragement and support from others. For example, last night I mentioned my blog to a few girls I'd never met before and they were all so encouraging. They said how great it was that I was doing that and how they could really use more positivity in their lives. It made me feel so great. Not to mention, I got a mention on another blog, Quantum Learning, which made me really happy. There's nothing like support from others! 
   
    

5 Reasons to Be Solitary

1. You have time to think.
   
   This is my personal favorite. I love having time alone to just think, to read, to reflect, and to just take life in. Yes, you can do this with other people around sometimes, but there's nothing quite like being alone to have a really thoughtful insight strike you.
   
   
2. You can do whatever you want.
   
   When you're by yourself, you can do whatever you want to do. You can go somewhere. You can sit on the couch. You can watch whatever movie or TV show you like. Being alone gives you the utmost flexibility and, therefore, gives you the opportunity to do whatever the heck you feel like doing.
   
   
3. You feel what you need to feel.
   
   Sometimes when we are around others, we push away our feelings. We say to ourselves, "Oh, now is not the time to be angry" or "My friend is so unhappy right now so I really shouldn't be expressing my joy." When we're alone we can feel whatever it is we need to feel without holding back.
   
   
4. You will (probably) be more productive.
   
   Okay, this one might not be true for everyone. If you're the type that gets easily distracted or sucked into TV shows or other mindless forms of entertainment, being alone might not be the most productive thing for you. But if you have children, alone time is probably the best time do things. And, if you're like me, being alone, in perfect solitude, allows me to be the most productive. Without distractions I can always accomplish more.
   
   
5. You free yourself from external pressures.
   
   Just because you're alone doesn't mean that you're completely free from external pressures. If you're obsessing about something, you're not going to forget about it simply because you're alone. However, sometimes just being away from the office or your significant other or even your friends can relieve a lot of pressure. Sometimes we experience a lot of pressure from the people in our lives (whether we know it or not) and just getting away from them physically can help us clear our minds, making us better to socialize with in the future.

<="<" li="li"><="<" li="li">

Basically, what it comes down to is this: there are good things about being alone and there are good things about being with other people. You have to find a balance in your life that works for you. Some people are going to want to spend more time alone (like I do) and some people are going to want to spend a lot less time alone. You have to figure out what works for you, but don't forget, regardless of which side you lean more towards, to incorporate some of the other side. It's never healthy to spend all of your time alone or all of your time with other people. As always, a balance is the best way to live your happiness life.

3 ways to be conscious of your communication

 

 

 

According to Merriman-Webster Dictionary, communication is "a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, and behavior." Personally, I am not the best communicator. I tend to act and speak in ways that are sometimes completely opposite from what I am thinking and feeling. My sometimes poor communication skills have caused a lot of confusion, heartache, and pain for me in the past and, for that reason, I believe that communication -- that is, good, effective communication -- is absolutely essential for living a positive life.

One thing I often forget when I am communicating with others is the notion that there is a sender, a receiver, and a message. It is important that I, as a sender, recognize: 1) what message I am trying to send, and 2) the state and characteristics of the receiver. What do I mean by this? First and foremost, it is important to be 100% clear about the message I want to send. In many cases this is easy. In some (especially emotion-filled situations), it is not. Making sure I am certain of the message is a great start to clear and effective communication. Secondly, I need to give some thought to the person receiving the message. I might ask myself: In what ways might this message be interpreted? Am I being clear? What type of person is the receiver and how is s/he likely to receive the message? It is just as important to understand the person who will be receiving the message as it is to understand the message itself.

Another very informative flyer provided by my company's health care provider lists three effective communication tips:

1. Know the language of the other person. To communicate effectively, you need to understand that there are three language processing styles -- visual, kinesthetic, and auditory. Visual people like to picture things, so if you know you are dealing with a visual person, use terms like "looked like" or visual descriptions. Kinesthetic people focus on feeling, so with this kind of person you would want to used terms like "felt like" or descriptions of how something felt. The third type, auditory, likes to listen and would be more responsive to terms such as "sounded like" and sound-based descriptions. In many cases, you may not know what another persons style is, but if you spend time with the person and pay attention to what s/he says, you probably can pick up on what style s/he uses. This can be very helpful in communicating since you will now know what types of phrases/descriptions to use.

2. Pay attention to mood. This one is absolutely critical. By listening to the tone and speed of someone's voice while paying attention to their facial expression and body language, you can most likely pick up on what kind of mood they are in. If you sense that a boss/spouse/friend is in a negative state of mind, that might not be the best time to communication with him or her. Choose a time for communicating that will allow your message to be delivered without the distraction of outside negativity.

3. Pay attention to non-verbal cues. As I'm sure you've heard before, most of our communication is non-verbal, which makes #3 a very important point to consider when attempting to communicate effectively. Be very conscious not only of others' non-verbal cues, but of your own as well. If you are not conscious of this very important element of communication, you may miss out on a message someone else is trying to communicate or you may miscommunicate your own message. It is important to remember that different cultures/genders/ethnicities/societies have unique ways of communicating non-verbally so keep this in mind. Also, when reading written communication, remember that it is very hard to pick up non-verbal cues. If you are at all unsure of the message, call the sender or, if possible, speak with him or her in person. And don't forget that your written messages may be unclear too, so do your best to be very thoughtful about the words you choose when writing to others.

When communicating with others, it is important to be present. It is important to give the other person your full attention and to do the best you can to relate to him or her. Often when we are distracted or consumed with our own thoughts and words, we miss the messages that others are sending us. Be conscious of your communication and you are more likely to communicate effectively. Communication is such a basic thing, but if you are able to do it effectively, you can create a life that is free from a great deal of confusion and pain.