positively present

best friends forever?: lessons on friendship (part III)

(♥)

 

As you may have read in "Best Friends Forever?: Lessons on Friendship (Part I)" and "Best Friends Forever?: Lessons on Friendship (Part II)," I've been struggling a lot lately with one of my friendships. It has been an up an down situation for some time now and it's been hard for me to determine whether or not it is something to let go of or continue to hang on to. As I've discussed in the previous parts of this three-part series, the end of frienships is rarely simple. A lot goes into a friendship and a lot goes on when one must decide whether or not a broken friendship is worth saving. And even more goes on when you realize that the friendship is over and you must cope with the fallout.

The end of any relationship is difficult. When you allow people to get close to you, when you make them a part of your life, and suddenly they are no longer around, it can be very hard to deal with. A mix of emotions -- sadness, anger, fear, and pain -- may flood your mind, leaving you feeling alone and distraught at the end of a relationship. From my experience, losing a friend is often one of the hardest losses to overcome. It's similar to a broken heart, but deeper, more poignant somehow. Friendships are some of our closest relationships; many of us are closer to our friends than we our to our family member or significant others. Therefore, losing a friend can seem like losing a part of yourself. And, as you can imagine or may have experienced, this can be very hard to deal with.

Having lost a friendship or two in my twenty-seven years, I've learned a bit about how to cope with such losses. It's never easy -- and following the advice below won't take all of the pain away -- but there are some actions you can take to make sure that you manage the pain you are feeling.

 

5 Ways to Recover from a Friendship Lost

1. Spend time with friends and family. Even though you're probably missing your friend like crazy and would rather be spending time with him or her, it's important to focus on the other people in your life right now. Spending quality time with friends and family and working on cultivating stronger relationships with those people who are still in your life is essential for moving on from the loss of a friendship.

2. Remind yourself why this loss is a positive. Whether or not you were the one who initiated this friendship break-up, the loss of this friend is for the better. Whatever situation you faced, if you two could not work through it, it is a benefit to you to no longer have this person in your life. It might not seem like it right now, when the pain is still fresh, but in time you will realize why this loss is actually a positive thing -- it frees up room in your heart for those who really deserve to be there.

3. Focus on what you want (and don't want) in a friend. While you're going through this tough situation, it's a good idea to make sure you don't have to go through a similar situation too frequently. The best way to do this is to think about what you do and don't want in a friendship. Think back on your past friendship and determine what worked, what didn't, and why. This exercise is a productive way for you to evaluate the past and then move on from it.

4. Make an effort to form new bonds. It's not always easy to make new friends, but doing so will help you to cope with the loss you're suffering from. The old addage "there are plenty of fish in the sea" proves to be true for friendships as well. Though you will never be able to replace the specific bond you shared with your friend, you can make an effort to create new bonds with new friends. Keep an open mind and an open heart and you may just find your next best friend.

5. Live in the present moment and don't dwell on the past. As tempting as it might be to reflect on what was, focusing on the present moment is the best thing you can do for yourself right now. The past is over and, like it or not, you can never get it back. The only moment you have is right now so you might as well make the most of it by doing things you love to do with people you love to be with. Try as hard as you can to focus on the present and allow yourself to help by living in the now.

 

Dealing with the loss of a friendship is extremely difficult so don't beat yourself up if you find yourself really struggling with it. However, keep in mind that you're not alone. Sadly, most friendships don't last forever so, whether you've already experienced a loss or not, at some point you're likely to. Most people have gone through the loss of a friendship at some point in their lives so seek out positive people with experience to help you get through the tough time. Also, below are some links that might help you find more information on how to cope with losing a friend. 

Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend
Toxic Friends: The Antidote for Women Stuck in Complicated Friendships
Friend or Frenemy? A Guide to the Friends You Need and the Ones You Don’t
When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal With Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You

best friends forever?: lessons on friendship (part II)

"Be careful the environment you choose for it will shape you;
be careful the friends you choose for you will become like them."

W. Clement Stone

 

As you may have read in "Best Friends Forever?: Lessons on Friendship (Part I)," I've been struggling a lot lately with one of my friendships. This particular friend and I have had our ups and downs, but lately I've started to wonder whether there were more downs than ups. Or, rather, the downs were much lower than the ups were high. That being said, anyone who has ever been in this type of situation knows how hard it is to end a friendship. It's different -- harder, in some ways -- than a break-up with a significant other is, especially when you've spent a great deal of your formative years with this person. 

You see, with friendships, you're dealing with someone you've shared everything with (even the most embarrassing things, even details about your romantic life). You're dealing with a person who has probably see you at your god-awful worst, someone who knows the best of you and the worst of you. You're also dealing with someone who you obviously click with in some important way. It's not all that easy for most people to find close friends, so the thought of losing one can be terrifying.

Ending a relationship with a friend is something many people don't have to think about doing; it often just happens gradually -- two people drifting away slowly as their lives change. People change and grow and often they grow apart. That's okay and completely normal. What doesn't feel all that normal is when you encounter a situation in a friendship where you're wondering, "Is this worth it? Is the hurt I'm feeling worth the friendship I'm saving?" 

Those are the big questions. The change-your-life questions. Because, let's face it, friends have a huge impact on our lives. Whether you realize it or not, the friendships you have shape who you are. That old saying "you are who you hang out with" really does ring quite true. Which is why it's really important to evaluate your friendships and determine who you want to spend your time with. Life is short and you should surround yourself with people who bring you up, who make you happy, who strive to make you the best you that you can be. 

Unfortunately, you might find, as I have a time or two, that a friend just isn't doing those things for you. S/he is hurting you, bringing you down, causing you pain. You might realize this, but you might also share good times with that person. Ups and downs are normal, but when the downs are lower than the ups are high, it's time to move on. Here's how you know when it's time to go:

 

Should I End This Friendship?: Must Ask Questions

 

Does your friend act in a way that embarrasses or hurts you?

Does your friend put you in uncomfortable situations?

Does your friend leave you feeling emotionally drained?

Does your friend bring out the worst qualities in you?

Does your friend make you feel de-valued as a person? 

Does your friend create negative emotions (anger, hate, envy)?

Does your friend encourage you to take part in harmful activities?

Does your friend treat you with disrespect and unkindness?

Does your friend put zero effort into the friendship?

Does your friend seem to be in constant competition with you? 

Does your friend make you feel smothered and confined in any way?

 

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you're probably in a toxic friendship and it's probably in your best interest to get out of that friendship as soon as you can. Of course, it won't be easy. Breaking up a relationship of any kind never is easy, but it's something that must be done if you want to live a positive life and enjoy the present moment. Being positive means being around people who bring you up -- and if you answered yes to the questions above, you're not with someone who is bringing goodness into your life. Here are some tips for how to make the end easier: 

 

5 Tips for Ending a Friendship

1. Create some space. The first thing you should do when you know a friendship needs to come to an end is give yourself some space. Don't make plans with your friend and find other things to do when s/he makes plans with you. Space will help you get some perspective and make the break-up easier. It might be hard to do at first, but it will get easier with time. 

2. Be open and honest. If at all possible, be honest with your friend. Explain to him or her why you can no longer spend time together. This is a very hard thing to do, but honesty really is the best policy. At the very least, be open and honest with yourself as to why you're ending the friendship. You should be well aware of why this relationship didn't work so you can avoid trouble in future friendships. 

3. Spend time with others. Losing a friend can be very painful, so while you're letting go, it's important to spend time with other people who bring you up. Don't waste time talking about your old friend; instead, focus on the present and do enjoyable activities with those who are positive influences on you. It won't completely heal the sadness you feel, but it will certainly help you. 

4. Focus on you. Realize that this friendship has ended (or is ending) because you have recognized the importance of having positive, uplifting people in your life. By choosing to end a toxic relationship, you are showing yourself love. As you're struggling with the end of the friendship, focus on the good things about yourself and treat yourself with kindness. 

5. Allow yourself to be hurt. There's no denying it: losing a friend sucks. It's a really tough thing to go through (sometimes even harder than a break up!) and it's okay to be hurt. Allow yourself to feel upset, hurt, sad. Feeling the loss is okay and perfectly normal. Allowing yourself to feel down is the first step to getting back on your feet again. 

 

Ending a friendship can be one of the hardest experiences. Just getting to the point when you realize it needs to end is difficult enough, but actually ending it -- and dealing with the emotional aftermath -- can be devastating. Coming soon in "Best Friends Forever?: Lessons on Friendship (Part III)," I'll tackle the issue of how to cope with the loss of a friendship. 

Have you ever had to end a friendship? If so, how did you go about it? 
Feel free to share your ideas, suggestions, and resources
on friendship in the comments section below!  

best friends forever?: lessons on friendship (part I)

(♥)

Lately I've been dealing with a difficult situation in one of my friendships. A friend of mine knowingly put me in a situation that had the potential to make me (and other people) very uncomfortable and unhappy. When I discovered that the situation was going to present itself -- and that she had been the catalyst behind it -- I was shocked.  When she casually mentioned the impending situation to me the very night before it was to occur, my heartbeat sped up. My palms grew sweaty. Though no mirror was around, I could feel that all the color had drained from my face. My mind raced: How could she do this to me? Why would she do this? How could she think this would be okay? Though my mind was spinning with questions, I took a deep breath to steady myself and refrained from saying anything to her. 

Though the next day arrived and the what-could-have-been-terrible situation didn't actually end up occurring (despite a day filled with worry and anxiety on my part), I couldn't help but wonder how a friend could do this to another friend. I couldn't help but wonder what a friendship really was. Time and time again, I've been faced with situations where friends have shocked me with their actions. Too often I've turned my frustration and sadness inward, accusing myself of picking the wrong people to be friends with. If that's true, I can't help but wonder why I continue to do that. And if it's not true, I can't help but then ponder: what really is a true friendship? 

Though it might seem like something that might be easy, maintaining a good, true friendship can be very difficult, especially when you are in a phase in your life where a lot of things are changing (hello, twenties!). Over the past few years, I've developed a lot as a person and the changes I experienced in myself didn’t always translate very well when it came to friendships. I've tried to take a more positive route when it comes to my life's path and, oddly enough, that hasn't always impacted my friendships in a positive way. I do have some wonderful friends who have stuck with me, through thick and thin, and who have never done (and I imagine never will do) me any wrong. But then I've had some up-and-down friendships that have caused me just as much heartache and pain as any boy-related breakup. 

One of the hardest things I've learned when it comes to friendships is that people change. You will change and your friends will change. Sometimes friends will change together and will have a life-long friendship. Other times, one or both of you might change and you might grow apart. As sad as that sounds, it’s okay. Some friendships aren’t meant to last forever. But what's really hard to deal with is the friendships you think are meant to last forever that don't. Just like a romantic relationship, sometimes it's hard to let go. Sometimes it's hard to know when it's over. Sometimes it's tempting to cling to a bond that just isn't really there (or, at the very least, isn't positive for one or both of you). 

Because I've dealt with a lot of friendships -- both wonderful and heart-wrenching -- and because I'm currently struggling with understanding what the next step is going to be in this particular friendship that has been causing me pain lately, I've given some thought to three very important elements of friendships: (1) how to maintain them so they stay positive, (2) how to know when it's time to call it quits, and (3) how to recover from a lost friendship. 

 

5 Ways to Maintain a Friendship

Friendships take work. While generally they are a lot of fun and such a great thing to have in your life, like any relationship, you have to work on them. To maintain a friendship, here are some things you should strive to do:

1. Be a good listener. When a friend confides in you -- or even just tells you a tidbit about her day -- strive to be really present and really hear what she's saying to you. Our own thoughts and commentary can be a big distraction, but instead of always thinking about what advice or comments you can give her, try to really listen to what she's saying to you. 
   
   
   
2. Don’t judge your friends harshly. Judging people is normal and it's part of human nature, but it's a good thing to try to keep those judgments to a minimum when it comes to friendships. We're all human; we all make mistakes. When a friend does or says something you don't understand, strive to be open-minded and nonjudgmental. 
   
   
   
3. Find positive common bonds with each other. Friendships are often based on things we have in common with one another. However, the bonds we make with other people are not always positive. Often people bond over judging or putting down other people. If you want to have a lasting, meaningful friendship, focus on positive things that will bring you two closer together. 
   
   
   
4. Be open to trying new experiences. As people change and grow, their friendships can often become strained because one person seems different. If you want to maintain a friendship for a long period of time, you must be open to new experiences and perspectives. At her core, your friend is the same person so try to be open-minded when she changes -- and encourage her to do the same for you. 
   
   
   
5. Establish (and don’t break!) trust. Trust is the most important aspect of any relationship. It takes time to establish trust with people and it's essential that you make establishing trust a priority in your friendship. And, most importantly, once that trust has been established, don't break it. Once trust has been broken, it can be very difficult to get it back. 

Doing these things will help to keep your friendship intact. It’s important to remember that friendship is a two-way street. You should be both getting and giving. If you’re doing all of the giving (or all of the getting!), the friendship may not be genuine; it may be time for you to reevaluate that relationship because a true friendship is always about give and take. In Part II, I will discuss how you know when it's time to end a friendship and Part III will cover how to recover from the loss of a friendship. 

 

Stay tuned for Parts II and III coming soon! 
Please feel free to share your comments about
maintaining friendships in the comments section below.  

 

how to create good conversation

(♥)

Today's post was written by Brian Tracy, author of Full Engagement!: Inspire, Motivate, And Bring Out the Best In Your People. Communicating with others is so important for living a positive life. Unfortunately some people (myself included at times!) struggle with communicating and creating good conversation. Brian's post will help you realize that good conversation is one of the keys to living a positive life -- and he'll provide some great tips on how you can create good conversation in your own life.

 

Almost all successful and happy people are good conversationalists. They have developed an ability to communicate naturally and spontaneously with almost anyone they meet. Good conversationalists are a pleasure to be around and they are welcome wherever they go. Learning the art and skill of good conversation can help you in virtually every human relationship, both at business and at home.

In this post, I'm going to talk about some of the things that you can do to become a more effective conversationalist. As with anything worthwhile, these ideas require practice, over and over, until they become a normal and natural part of your personality. Once you begin putting these points into action, you will feel more confident and competent in your interactions with virtually anyone and everyone you meet. There are three aims and purposes of conversation.

Aim #1
The first is the plain enjoyment and pleasure of self-expression and interaction with other people. One of the most enjoyable things we ever do is to spend time with people we like and whose company we find stimulating and fun. This potential pleasure is the driving force behind all of our social activities. We like to get together with people with whom we have a lot in common and just share ideas, letting the conversation go where it will.

Aim #2
The second aim or purpose of conversation is to get to know the other person better. In sales, and in all kinds of business, you require prolonged exposure to another person in order to get a feel for how he or she thinks, feels and reacts. This can't be accomplished in a short meeting. Many customers will have a salesperson come back several times to converse and explain his product or service. These conversations may cover some of the same ground but their major purpose is to help the customer assess whether or not he or she wants to get involved with the salesperson and his company.

In our personal relationships, there is no substitute for extended periods of conversation in the social development of friendships and more intimate relationships. People who get along very well together have almost invariably spent a lot of time just talking about various subjects as they come up.

Aim #3
The third aim of conversation is to build trust and credibility between two people. This is perhaps the most important thing we do as we proceed through life and it is only possible with the kind of continuous conversation that reveals us to each other.

Sometime ago, I was asked to present a proposal for a strategic planning session for the senior executives of a billion dollar corporation. This presentation was to the president of the company and two of his senior executives. When the presentation was over, the president concluded the formal meeting and suggested that he and I go for a drive.

He called for his car to be brought around to the front of the company offices. We took the elevator down, got in the car and he had his driver take us to a large city park some miles away. When we arrived at the park, he suggested that we get out and walk for a while. We ended up walking for about an hour and a half, with the conversation going back and forth from business to personal life and touching on other subjects. There was no detailed discussion of my proposal, the cost of the strategic planning session, or the logistics. What he seemed to want more than anything else was to get an idea of my general philosophy and approach to life.

At the end of the hour and a half, as we got back into the car, he told me that he had decided to go ahead with the strategic planning session and that he would leave it to me from that moment onward. We then drove back to the company where we parted until the strategic planning session some weeks later. The conversation during the walk in the park had been the clincher.

Conversation Tips
One of the very best ways to learn about another person is to spend unbroken time in their company. I've found that a two or three hour car trip is one of the most revealing experiences you will ever have with another human being. People who have gotten along well for many years working or socializing together in brief stints will often find that an extended car trip brings out elements of their personalities that they did not even know existed.

Before you enter into any serious business or personal relationship with anyone, you should spend several hours with them experiencing the ebb and flow of sustained conversation. It's amazing what you will learn.
Many people think that the art of good conversation is to speak in an interesting and arresting fashion, to be noted for your humor, your ability to tell stories, and your general knowledge of a variety of subjects. Many people feel that, if they want to be better at conversation, they must become more articulate, outgoing and expressive. They think that they must become better talkers.

Nothing could be further from the truth. As you've heard many times before, we come into this world with two ears and one mouth and we should use them in that same proportion. In conversation, this simply means that you should listen twice as much as you talk if you want to get a reputation for being an excellent conversationalist.

The art of good conversation centers very much on your ability to ask questions and to listen attentively to the answers. You can lace the conversation with your insights, ideas and opinions, but you perfect the art and skill of conversation by perfecting the art and skill of asking good, well worded questions that not only make the conversation go in the direction you want, but it gives other people an opportunity to express themselves.

© 2011 Brian Tracy, author of Full Engagement!: Inspire, Motivate, and Bring Out the Best in Your People, Brian is one of the top business speakers and authorites in the world today. He has spoken in almost every city in the US and Canada, and in 58 other countries. He addresses more than 250,000 people worldwide each year. He has written 50 books and produced more than 500 audio and video learning programs on management, motivation, and personal success. He is the president of Brian Tracy International as well as Business Growth Strategies, which is the preeminent Internet business learning portal in the world today. He lives is Solana Beach, California. For more information please visit http://www.briantracy.com and follow the author on Facebook and Twitter.

10 ways rituals help us celebrate our lives

(♥)

Today's post was written by Abigail Brenner, M.D., author of Transitions: How Women Embrace Change and Celebrate Life. When she sent this article over to me, I realized that I'd never really given much thought to the concept of rituals. They are, in fact, a very important aspect of our lives, and I'm happy that Dr. Brenner has written this great article about them. 

Ritual has its roots in religion, and life's fundamental passages are often traditionally accompanied by religious ritual. But life's great passages are by nature spiritual. They affirm human mystery and mutability, our connection with the universal. Rituals serve as a bridge between our outer and inner worlds, between the profane and the sacred, and between the ordinary and the extraordinary.

10 Ways Rituals Help Us Celebrate Life

1. Afford us a sense of belonging. When we engage in the ritual process we are, in essence, connected to "original time." Rituals awaken that which is eternal within us and show us how our individual lives are part of a much grander design.

2. Connect us with nature and the seasons. The ongoing transitions that occur in nature provide the prototype for change. By watching the constant shifts and turns in nature we recognize our own cycles of life, our own rhythms as humans. Rituals remind us of the interconnectedness of all of life.

3. Provide us with a sense of renewal. They offer us a time-out from our every day routine, habitual existence. Metaphorically, rituals are oases, a time to rest, replenish, and restore our selves on our long and winding path through life. Rituals help us to reevaluate our journey thus far and to reaffirm that the path we are traveling is the right one for us.

4. Provide an ongoing way to structure our lives. The ritual process provides a sense of stability and continuity amidst the ever-changing, hectic and often chaotic world in which we live. Rituals engender a sense of healing calm and a feeling of trust in life's flow and forward movement.

5. Give us a way to connect to family, past and present. Rituals tie us to our ancestors and to our heritage. Their creation and performance helps us to understand where we came from. As a bridge between past and future, they enable us to access, honor, and strengthen our own identity.

6. Remove us from the ordinary flow of life and place us in sacred space. It is out of the realm of ordinary space and time that rituals create their magic through the mysterious and mystical language of symbolic reenactment.

7. Help us access our authentic selves through their ability to carry us into deeper levels of consciousness. By engaging all of our senses through the use of ritual elements inherent in the ritual process, we are able to bypass the intellect in favor of our intuitive, instinctive knowing. Rituals help us balance the work of our outer and inner lives and allow for the full expression of our soul and spirit.

8. Provide the essential tools for co-creating our own lives. Creating and performing rituals that are personally meaningful to us helps us as evolving creations to set the exact intention that will ultimately enable us to manifest and reach desired goals and aspirations.

9. Give meaning to our journeys and a sense of purpose to our lives. While the ongoing creation and performance of rituals prepares us for the next stages of life, the successive and cumulative practice of rituals over time has the power to ultimately transform us. 

10. Mark "rites of passage" -- major transitional turning points --  help us 'connect the dots.' They help us find and define the patterns and cycles in our individual lives that might otherwise seem to be random happenings if viewed separately.

By creating and performing personally expressive rituals for our selves we move freely into our own spiritual lives, taking charge of marking and honoring the transitions, the special moments in our lives that we find significant, in the ways we deem meaningful. Rituals are tools that give us the freedom to take responsibility for the direction and purpose of our lives. Our task is to seize and shape this freedom -- consciously, deliberately, and joyfully.

Copyright © 2011 Abigail Brenner, M.D., author of Transitions: How Women Embrace Change and Celebrate Life

Today's post was written by Abigail Brenner, M.D., author of Transitions: How Women Embrace Change and Celebrate Life, is a board certified psychiatrist currently in private practices as well as an ordained interfaith minister who helps people design, create, and perform personally meaningful rituals. She is also author of  SHIFT: How to Deal When Life Changes, and the co-author of The Essential Guide To Baby's First Year, to be released April 2011. For more information please visit http://www.abigailbrenner.com/ and follow the author on Facebook.