positively present

how to create a strong bond with the one you love

(♥)

 

“Love is patient; love is kind
 and envies no one.
 
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude; 
never selfish, not quick to take offense.

 There is nothing love cannot face;
 there is no limit to its faith, 
its hope, and endurance.
 
In a word, there are three things 
that last forever: faith, hope, and love, 
 but the greatest of them all is love.”

The Bible

I'm fortunate to have some pretty amazing love in my life and it's something I don't, for a second, take for granted. Not everyone is as lucky as I have been when it comes to love and I truly value the time and energy spent on developing a truly loving relationship. Sadly, when it comes to love, there can be a lot of negativity in there. A few weeks ago at my sister's wedding, I heard that famous Letter to the Corinthians, which I've quoted above. Though I've heard it many times, at many weddings (and, of course, in Wedding Crashers), it struck a particular chord with me recently when I realized how much truth resides in those words. 

In order to create a loving and lasting relationship, one must adhere to those principles and focus on them with every passing moment a relationship experiences. As anyone who has been a relationship knows, they aren't all sunshine and rainbows, smiles and happiness. They are hard work sometimes, but I've found that you usually get just about as much as you put into them. If you want to have a strong bond with the one you love, you have to create that bond. And, once you've created it, you have to work on strengthening it all the time. How can you strengthen the bond with the one you love? Here are my suggestions:

  

1. Be patient and kind. For whatever reason, people often take out their worst emotions on the ones they love, but one of the best (and most obvious) ways to strengthen a bond with a loved one is to be patient and kind with that person. It can be hard, at times, to remember patience and kindness, but those two elements are essential when it comes to maintaining a close bond with a loved one.

2. Avoid extreme selfishness. I'm all for the importance of putting yourself first, but, when it comes to making a true and lasting bond with the one you love stick, it's important to avoid extreme selfishness at all costs. Forming a bond has to be a give and take. You must be willing to put others' needs before your own at times if you want to create a bond that will last a lifetime.

3. Do not be rude or boastful. Again, going back to the first point, for some reason people tend to often be rudest to those they love the most. Maybe people think they can get away with it, but, even if you can, rudeness is a surefire way to put stop to forming a close bond with someone you love. If you want to be close, avoid boasting or treating a loved one rudely.

4. Be supportive and avoid envy. There will be times in a loving relationship where one person is more successful or happy than the other. This is normal and this is okay. What's not okay is to be envious of your partner. To create a strong and lasting bond, you must be supportive of the one you love and avoid, at all costs, letting envy take over your emotions.

5. Fill your heart with trust. Many of the biggest issues in many relationships stem from a lack of trust. With all of the various elements life can throw at us, it's not surprising that so many people have issues when it comes to trust. However, if you want to have the best possible bond with the one you love, you must let go of mistrust and open your heart to full and complete trust of one another.  

6. Believe in the power of love. It might sound completely cheesy, but there's a lot of power behind love between two people. It can overcome a great deal -- probably much more than you'd imagine. Love will overcome any negativity -- if you believe in it. To create a strong bond, you have to believe in the love you share and you have to know that, with it, you can deal with all kinds of difficult situations.

7. Celebrate the love you share. Once you've formed a bond with someone, it can be easy to take that love for granted. Don't. Make time to celebrate the love you have in your life and you'll surely continue to increase the bond you share with the one you love. No matter how long it's been since that bond was first created, don't neglect your love. Take time to celebrate it every single day. 
   

I'm really good at doing some of these and, when it comes to others, I could use a little more work and effort on my part. Overall, I know if I focus on cultivating appreciation, gratitude, and respect in my relationship that those things will ultimately lead to a lasting and worthwhile love. So often people find themselves swept up by romance at the beginning of a relationship only to let things fizzle and fade once they grow more comfortable with one another. Often people take it one step further and grow to dislike one another, becoming angry and jealous for little or no reason. It is unfortunate that so many great loves end up turning sour, leaving one or both partners disappointed and unhappy. Many people believe that the initial spark they once felt for another will magically return, but that's not realistic. Real love takes real work and all of the effort one puts into celebrating and working on love is worth it to know that a bond can become unbreakable.

How do YOU create a bond with the one you love? 
What are some things you've done to keep your love strong? 

finding light in the darkness

 (♥)
 

 "At the darkest moment comes the light."

 Joseph Campbell 

For the second time in 2010, this week the people of the Washington, DC-area have had to cope with some major power outages. This time we're not battling the snow and ice, piling on layers and layers of clothes to stay warm; this time we're sweating it out, learning how to cope with extremely high temperatures and no air conditioning. I'll admit, it's been pretty unpleasant, but I'm taking this as another great lesson from Mother Nature, teaching us who have so many comforts in our lives to be grateful. There are so many things I constantly find myself taking for granted. Things like lights and air conditioning and a solid internet connection. And television. God, I never like to think of myself as a TV watcher (I'm much more of a book-reader, I swear), but life without the sound of the television and some of those beloved characters can be pretty rough.

When I'm sitting in my oven-hot apartment and I start to think about the lack of power (and the uncertainty of when it will come back on again), my mind bubbles with annoyance and irritation. I ask questions that I want answers to: When will the power be back on? Why must it be so hot? How can I possibly survive an entire evening without my computer? And what am I to do with myself when the sun sets? Without lights and television, what can I possibly do to entertain myself? My mind is racing and I find negativity creeping in stealthily from every corner. I remind myself of the blackout that took place during the cold, bleak month of February and I force myself to see the reasons why this blackout is better. And yet... frustration overrides all rationalization and I find myself slumped on the floor, back against the couch, complaining about the heat and the lack of constant mental stimulation. I'm bored. I'm hot. I'm irritable.

After finding ways to pass the time that first night (thank god for my iPad, episodes of Modern Family, warm enough weather to walk Bella and witness a beautiful sunset I probably otherwise would have missed, and a boyfriend who's willing to unfold the Scrabble board and pass the time crafting words and tallying points with me), and making it through that first fitful night of sleep without air conditioning, without a fan, and with the consistent panting coming from the overheated dog, I woke to a new day -- a day without power, but a new day nonetheless. And, without warning, I felt an overwhelming feeling of gratitude. Sure, I was drenched in sweat and had no idea how I was going to ready myself for the day in my pitch black bathroom, but I was happy. I realized just how lucky I was to actually have all of these electricity-drive amenities. Even though I might not have had them at the moment, I was incredibly thankful to know that, generally speaking, I have all of the conveniences a privileged life has to offer... I am grateful to have these things, even now, when they are starting to seem like a distant and wonderful dream.
 

. . . I am grateful to have lights that allow me to enjoy my time and post-work activities long after the sun has set.

. . . I am grateful to have air conditioning, which allows me to stay cool in the summer and warm in the winter.

. . . I am grateful to have traffic lights, the green-yellow-red that makes driving so much easier than I realized.

. . . I am grateful to have refrigeration, an amazing concept that keeps my food and drinks cold (and safe!).

. . . I am grateful to have a television, which may seem silly to some but provides me with endless entertainment.

. . . I am grateful to have the internet, a force that has changed and enhanced my life in so many ways.

. . . I am grateful to have outlets, little homes for my chargers and appliances to store energy so that I may use them.

. . . I am grateful to have a dishwasher to keep my dishes clean with minimal effort on my part.

. . . I am grateful to have an oven and stove to (hope someone else will) heat and bake my favorite foods.

. . . I am grateful to have a fan, which cools my bedroom and erases external noises so that I might sleep soundly.

. . . I am grateful to have the freedom that comes with being able to plug something in and have it come to life.

Truth be told, it really sucks not having power. It's uncomfortable and unfamilar and nearly everything requires extra thought and preparation. However, it's actually been good for me to experience being without power a few times this year because it's really brought into focus how easily I take advantage of the "givens" around me. I assume, as so many do, that it's a given to have lights and food and water and a safe place to lay my head. But it's not. It's a privlege, not a right, to have these things. Spending so much time with my lights and TV and internet on, I often forget just how lucky I am to have all of these things. This week, the loss of power has brought me back to that point where I can see the benefits of electricity through new eyes and realize how incredibly grateful I ought to be for the things I so often use and think little of. Though I wasn't entirely ungrateful before (after all, the trauma of the blizzard-related outage is only a few months in my past), this week I've learned to really take a good look at the things I have in my life and learn to truly appreciate them. The power outage really made me realize that, no how negative a situation seems, something positive can be taken away from it. This week has served as great reminder that no matter what kind of darkness comes along, there is always an opportunity to find the light. 
 

What aspects of your life are you finding the light in? 
How do you cultivate gratitude in times of darkness? 
 

5 benefits of awesome things (& an awesome giveaway!)

 
 

I recently read that "Awesomeness is not a privilege, but the full bloom of a seed that grows within us, that rewards us upon fulfilling one potential after another," and I don't think I could have said it better. Awesomeness is, well, awesome. We love being awesome and we love things that seem awesome to us. Because we're all so different, things that we believe are awesome can be very different as well. Sometime I might like a lot may not appeal to others and vice versa. However, recently I had the privilege of reading the The Book of Awesome, written by Neil Pasricha, author of the blog 1000 Awesome Things and it's helped me to realize that there are a lot of things that people generally find to be awesome -- no matter who they are. For example, here are some of my favorite awesome things from Neil's book: 

• Seeing a cop on the side of the road and realizing you're going the speed limit anyway (rarely happens to me, but it's AWESOME when it does!)
  
  
• Tripping and realizing no one saw you (happens to me WAY too often!)
  
  
• Catching someone singing in their car and laughing with them (I'm usually the one singing, but it's still pretty awesome...)
  
  
• Laughing so hard you make no sound at all (the very best kind of laughter, in my opinion!)
  
  
• Hanging your hand out the car window (such a great one for these spring days!)
  
  
• Celebrating your pet's birthday even though they have no idea what's going on (did that this week for Bella's 6th birthday and, let's just say, it was AWESOME)

Reading Neil's book has shown me not only that there are a lot of awesome things in the world, but that a lot of people think the same things are awesome. We have more in common than we realize, which, in and of itself, is pretty awesome. As I was reading the book, I thought to myself, "It makes me really happy to think about awesome things!" and it was then that I realized that there are a lot of benefits to thinking about the things that are awesome in your life. Here are some of the benefits of finding the awesome things in life... 

The Benefits of Looking for Awesome

1. You're focusing on the positive. When you're looking for things that are awesome, you'll find yourself opening your mind to the positive things around you. After reading Neil's book, I thought to myself, "What other things can I find that are awesome?" The more I started thinking about it, the more I would come up with. The more I was looking for awesomeness, the more I was focusing on all of the great things -- both big and small -- in my life. 
   
   

2. You're practicing gratitude. By looking for things that are awesome, you are indirectly practicing gratitude in your life. You're looking around and identifying all of the things you find awesome and, in a way, you are becoming thankful for them just by noticing them. Though you might not directly think you are thankful for these things, but addressing their awesomeness, you are highlighting their worth and appreciating them in your life. 
   
   

3. You're being more mindful. Paying attention to awesome things means paying attention in general. If you're looking for things that are really awesome for you then you're paying attention to what's going on around you. In essence, you're living in the moment. Looking for awesome things means paying attention and paying attention means living in the moment -- which is a pretty awesome way to live. 
   
   

4. You're identifying what matters to you. When you read Neil's book (and you really should!), you'll probably identify with a lot of things in there. I definitely thought to myself on more than one occasion, "Yes! That's really awesome!" When you are looking for awesome things in your own life, you're helping yourself to be better understand what matters to you. While a lot of us might share the same love of some things, we are also very unique. Looking for awesome things helps you, in a way, look for yourself. 
   
   

5. You're reinforcing the good. Not only are you tuning into the positive aspects of your life and the world when you're on a quest for awesome things, but you're also reinforcing the idea that there truly is goodness in the world every time you find an awesome thing. The more awesome things I find (and I find a lot now that I'm on the look out for them!), the more I realize how good things really are. Even when things are bad, awesome things can be found, and, in searching for them, I feel as if I reinforce the idea that this world really is a good place. 

If you haven't already ordered a copy of Neil's book (and I know some of you already have!), I highly recommend you do so. Not only will the book prompt you to begin your own quest for awesomeness, but it will also do a few other awesome things: teach you new things (I actually got some great tips from the book!), make you realize you're not alone in some of the quirky things you find to be awesome, and, most importantly, it will make you laugh. It really is a laugh-out-loud book (and it's even better if you can read it with someone else so be sure to share The Book of Awesome love!).

As you see from the list above, there are quite a few benefits to looking for the awesome in your life. Whether you realize it or not, looking for awesome things in your life can have a lot of positive benefits. So, I'm going to help you out by asking you to think about what's awesome in your life. Spend some time today contemplating what YOU think is awesome. 

 What do you think is really, really awesome? 

 (Answer this question and follow the rules below and you could have a chance to WIN!) 

The Giveaway

What could be more AWESOME than a free book?  Want to enter for a chance to win The Book of Awesome? Here are the rules... 

Leave a comment below with the following information: 
 

• Tell me something that you think is really, really awesome
• Include your email address so I can contact you if you win

Leave an extra comment for each of the following things you do: 

• Subscribe to Positively Present's RSS feed
• Receive Positively Present via email
• Follow @positivepresent on Twitter
• Mention this post on a social media site
• Email friends/family about this post
• Stumble this post on StumbleUpon

Remember, the more comments you leave, the more chances you have to win, so make sure to leave extra comments if you do any of the things listed above. The winner will be picked at random on Monday, April 12, 2010 and will be announced on Wednesday, April 14, 2010. (**Don't forget to leave your email in your comments so I can contact the winner.**)

how to say "i love you" with gratitude

   

"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it
is like wrapping a present and not giving it."

William Arthur Ward 
  

I couldn't agree with that quote more, but sometimes it's hard to be grateful. I always want to be grateful and I honestly give it my best effort, but sometimes I just plain forget. As important gratitude is to me and as much as I want to share my thankfulness with others, sometimes it slips my mind and it isn't until later (sometimes years later!) that I realize what a wonderful thing someone did for me. Over the past month, however, I've started thinking about gratitude differently and in doing so it's become much more of a priority for me. 

How have my thoughts about gratitude changed lately? I've begun to think of gratitude not as an obligation or as something that is healthy for me, but as an act of love. It sounds a bit cheesy when I write that down, but, really, what is gratitude if it's not love? Thankfulness -- in whatever form -- is essentially a way to love someone else. Let's say someone -- maybe even a complete stranger -- does something nice for you. How can you express that you are happy and thankful? By being grateful. Gratitude is a universal kind of love, an appreciative kind of love. It's something deep and meaningful and important. When you love someone, you cannot help but incorporate gratitude into that love. But what about the love you incorporate into gratitude? 

There's something vitality important about thinking about gratitude as an act of love that has inspired me to think about gratitude in an entirely new way. I've always thought of it as important, but now I feel as if it's something essential -- not only in terms of improving my personal relationships, but also in terms of improving the world as a whole. I've always wanted to cultivate gratitude, but now that I think about it in terms of love, I want to give and receive it like love. I want to use gratitude to make others feel good and I want to know that when someone is grateful for me or for something I've done, that his or her gratitude will mean more to mean than the simple "Thank you" I receive. 

As important as it is to feel gratitude -- and it is important in terms of your overall wellbeing -- it's also important to express that gratitude. Gratitude, I've found, can sometimes slip through the cracks. You might feel it. You might mean to show it. But you don't. And that's a dangerous thing. When you forget to show gratitude, you are essentially forgetting to show love. It happens -- especially if, like me, you're surrounded by wonderful people doing wonderful things all the time (Thank you, friends and family!) -- but it doesn't mean it's something we should be content with happening. Forgetting to be grateful is a forgetfulness of love, and, I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want to forget the love in my life. It's a precious thing, a thing that can disperse or dissolve, and for that reason I want to make every effort to show those I love how grateful I am to have them around. 

Over the past month, as I've been thinking about gratitude in a new way, I've given some thought to how I can really express my gratitude -- my love -- for those who mean a lot to me. As with the post I wrote on Monday about expressing love, there are countless ways to show gratitude and many of them are highly individualized. One grateful act might be wonderful for someone and a pain in the ass for someone else. It's up to you to figure out how to show your thankfulness in your own life, but here are some of the things I've tried to do over the past month to show those I love just how grateful I am. 

How To Say "I Love You" With Gratitude

• Saying thank you -- and meaning it. Sounds so obvious, I know. You're probably thinking, "I know that one, Dani!" but think about it for a minute. How often do you say thank you and really, really mean it? How often does your tone and body language and the look in your eyes convey just how grateful you are? I was raised with the please-and-thank-you manners too; we all know how important it is to give thanks. But that doesn't mean we're necessarily doing it sincerely, expressing how we feel to the level we really mean it. Over the past month or so I've been trying really hard to say thank you with true emotion and conviction. I want those I am grateful to to really know that I mean it, that whatever they've done for me has made a big difference in my life. Even if it's a small act of kindness, it never hurts to be enthusiastic when you say, "Thank you!" 
  
  
• Going out of your way for someone. It's easy for use to get caught up in our busy lives and focus primarily on ourselves and what's going on around us. But how much effort does it really take to take a pause and look around you to see if you can help someone else out? This month I've tried my best to slow down and look around. There are so many people in my life that I am grateful for and it doesn't take all that much effort to look around and see if I can help them out in some small way. Even if it's just a phone call to my mom to say, "How's your day going?" or holding open a door for a coworker with his hands completely full, small acts can make a big difference in people's lives and they are great ways to show you're grateful. You don't always have to do the direct "thank you" thing. There are indirect ways, like going just a little bit out of your way for someone else, that can really show others how much you love them. 
  
  
• Sending little cards and gifts. Now, as a disclaimer for this point, I'm just going to say that I was raised in a household where cards and gifts are a big deal. As I've grown older, I realize this is not the case for everyone. Not everyone expresses love in this way and I know that, no matter what, things are no substitute for actions. People would much rather be treated well than receive a gift as a token of love. That being said, it never hurts to pick up a little something for someone who means a lot to you. It doesn't have to be a big thing, but sometimes a little surprise is just what you need to show someone how much you love -- and are grateful for -- him or her. I'm a huge fan of sending cards (real cards, not e-cards -- though those are better than nothing!) and I think it's such a great, simple way to say to someone, "Hey, you matter to me. You matter so much, in fact, that I took the time to pick out, write, address, stamp, and send this card to you." These days, with all of the click-and-send stuff we can do, that kind of thing actually means a lot. 
  
  
• Treating others how they want to be treated. You know the old saying, "Treat others how you would like to be treated"? Yeah, that's bullshit. People don't want to be treated the way you want to be treated. They want to be treated the way they want to be treated. This, of course, requires a lot more effort on your part, making it an extra-great way to show how much you are grateful for someone else. It's very easy to do things your way, to treat others as you think you'd like to be treated, but it takes way more effort to go out of your way and figure out what it is that makes someone else happy. You have to pay attention. You have to be present. You have to make an effort. Believe me, this is not an easy one, and, worse yet, it may not be fully recognized or appreciated at the time, but, nonetheless, I think this is one of the most important things you can do when it comes to showing someone you love him or her. It is the ultimate selflessness, the primary way to recognize that someone else matters just as much (if not more!) than you do. Over the past month I've tried to be conscious of what others want and I've tried to do things the way others would want them done. This isn't easy and I'm certainly no expert at it, but I know that it is a great way to show just how grateful you are. 

Sometimes being grateful and expressing your love for someone else through your gratitude can be so easy. Other times it can get lost in the mix of life, buried somewhere under your To Do list and trampled by the millions of things you need to get done. But, as the quote above says, feeling gratitude and not expressing it is a waste of effort. It actually means something to feel grateful and that feeling can be wasted if you don't do what you can do share it with others. (Note: Sometimes gratitude just cannot be shared and sometimes it's downright inappropriate to go out of your way to share it. In those cases, I think it's best to keep that feeling as a reminder so that someday you can pass on a kind act or feeling to someone else.) Whether or not you realized it before, or are just coming to realize it now as I am, gratitude really is love. Sometimes it's a great big OMG kind of love. Other times it's a small simple love. But, no matter what, gratefulness is love. It's essential to the very essence of love and love is essential to the very essence of gratitude. 

[Note: Today's post is part of Random Acts of Kick Arse (RAOKA), a group I'm very fortunate to be a part of.The group joins together every month to take part in committing random acts. Each month we have a different theme and for the month of January the theme was "gratitude." Check out the other members of the group here: Jungle of Life, Jane Be Nimble, Gazehound's Animal Communications, Positive Provocations, and Life, Laughs & Lemmings.]

Photo Credit: (♥)  

knowing weakness, showing strength

I can honestly say that few people know me as well as my long-time friend, Blair. Having spent over ten years as classmates and locker-mates and roommates and friends, Blair has seen so many different sides of me. It's rare, in life, that we spend time with someone in so many different situations. She has seen me as a high school student, as a college student. She's seen me at prom and out on a Friday night at a college bar. She's seen me as an gawky freshman and the 26-year-old I am today. She's seen me up and down, the way I am now and the way I used to be. Having lived with me for three years in college, she's seen the many shades of me -- happy, miserable, silly, studious, in love, brokenhearted, excited, bored, up, down, living and nearly dead. She's seen me through every single relationship I've ever had (crazy, isn't it?). She's been near (a few steps away in the bedroom across the hall) and she's been far away (a country apart). She's seen me make new friends, fall in love with new boys, and she's seen things come crashing down when relationships and friendships have fallen apart. She has -- in a way that no one else has -- seen it all when it comes to me. 

There's one night I often think of when I reflect on the way I used to be, the way I was when I was living across the hall from Blair. That night I was in my room, door locked, and I couldn't stop sobbing. It was one of those moments when I literally felt like my heart, my whole self, was breaking. (Of course now, whatever had seemed so urgent, so important, then has faded from my memory and I have no idea what that particular sob session was about.) I remember hearing Blair come up the stairs. I remember hearing the pause outside my door. "Are you okay?" Blair had said with the perfect amount of concern in her voice. She is so great at that -- at caring but not prying. Though I'd just mumbled that I was fine and quieted my crying that night, for whatever reason that moment always stands out in my mind as an example of Blair as a friend -- always there, outside the door; she is there for me, but not pushing her way in and prying the way some would. 

Blair has seen me at some of my lowest points. She knows almost all of my mistakes. She knows the things I don't tell others, the moments I keep filed in drawers way in the back of my mind. When I think about how much Blair knows, how much she has seen of me, I feel a mixture of embarrassment and awe. I also feel a slight sense of panic when I think about someone knowing that much about me. But then I remember: It's Blair. And Blair has known me since the very first day of high school. Blair has known me for 12 years, since I was a scrawny, awkward 14-year-old, and never once has she done a single thing that would make me doubt her as a friend. She is one of the few people I always have -- and always will -- trust. 

After I wrote those words, I realized just how amazing that is -- and how inspiring. I've had a lot of friends throughout my life and, as often happens, I've had conflicts and fights and drifting apart. I've had the loss of friendship, the breaking of trust, the crumbling of common interests. Losing a friend is honestly one of the hardest things I've ever been through (anyone who has experienced this will know exactly what I mean when I say that). So when I think about how I have this friend -- this great friend -- who has been with me through all of the ups and downs over the past 12 years, I find myself sitting here open-mouthed in awe. It's literally awesome that I've been lucky enough to have someone who has been such an amazing friend to me -- especially during those self-absorbed years that I'm sure I wasn't keeping up my half of the friendship bargain. 

The quote above says, "A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows your strengths." That quote could have been written about Blair. She knows all of my bad sides -- my brattiness, my bad habits, my rarely seen stubborn side, my inclination toward self-centeredness -- but she never focuses on those things. No, she always, always focuses on my strengths. She is one of a handful of people who has supported and encouraged me for years. I can think of countless incidents when she praised my work or made a statement claiming she knew I would someday be a successful writer. In fact, the only times I've ever had tears fill my eyes when it comes to Blair were the times when she sent an email or a wrote a message about how much she admired my abilities as a writer. Just thinking about it now, my heart fills with happiness. There are those who have made comments here and there about my strengths (and, of course, there is always my ever-supportive family), but Blair is one of the few who knew, I think before I ever did, that I would be a writer. I always wanted it, but Blair believed it. 

Having a friend that focuses on your strengths instead of your weaknesses is priceless. When I think back on all of those years -- those critical years of development in high school and in college -- and I think about how I had this wonderful, supportive friend who I could tell everything and anything to, I feel so incredibly grateful. I'm not always that great at expressing myself physically (hugging isn't really my thing), but I like to believe that sometimes my written words can convey things  my body and voice cannot. If I were to make these words into an action, it would be a big, huge, bear-like hug for Blair -- or maybe 12 hugs. A hug for every year she was there for me. If I were to give Blair 12 hugs (don't worry, B, I'll spare you from that in real life), they would symbolize... 
 

... every time she listened and never criticized. 

... every time she saw me make a mistake and never judged. 

... every time she encouraged and supported me. 

... every time she showed me my strengths (which sometimes I couldn't see). 

... every time she gave me much-needed advice (and didn't judge when I ignored it). 

... every time she asked how I was and really listened.

... every time she told me the honest truth (even when it was hard). 

... every time she could have told my secrets but didn't. 

... every time she helped me mend a broken heart (all of those great cards!). 

... every time she gave me the benefit of the doubt. 

... every time she attempted to lift my sagging spirits. 

... every time she didn't ask the questions I didn't want to answer. 

Though she may not know it, Blair is the type of person that inspires other people to be better. When I think about it now, I realize how much of a role model she has been for me. As I was changing, as I was becoming the kind of person I wanted to be, I realize now that I was becoming more like one of my best friends. She is wise and caring and loyal and thoughtful and generous. She is a great listener, a super secret-keeper, and the kind of person you want to have in your corner. She is so many things I want to be -- things I think I am finally becoming. Whether she knows it or not (after this post I assume she will... and I know she will be reading it because she is one of the biggest supporters of Positively Present!), she is an inspiration for me. Through the years, through her patient, nonjudgmental moments of listening to me, through her excited, encouraging moments of motivation, she has made me a better person. Thank you, Blair, for everything you don't even know you've done for me. Thank you, Blair, for being such an amazing friend. Happy birthday! 

Do you have an amazing friend like Blair? 
If you could write to him/her right now, what would you say? 

  

Photo Credit: (♥) 

looking for beauty in all the right places

 
  
"Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it." 

Confucius 

Today I am celebrating the 2nd month of Random Acts of Kick Arse (RAOKA), a group I'm very fortunate to be a part of. Every month, this group -- which includes Life, Laughs, and Lemmings, The Jungle of Life, Jane Be Nimble, Joy Rebel, and Operation NICE -- joins together to take part in committing random acts over the course of one month. Each month we have a different theme and, for the month of November, the theme was BEAUTY. When the theme was announced, it didn't take me long to figure out what I wanted to do as my random act. I wanted to tell people they were beautiful. Of course, this was a little bit easier said than done when it came to turning this into a random act. While I'm probably confident enough to go around telling random people they are beautiful, I wasn't quite sure how well that would be received. Sure, it works for a friend or family member, but it's not exactly the most natural thing to walk up to a complete stranger and say, "You are beautiful!" (Though, now that I think about it, I would love if someone did that to me...)

So, after giving it some thought, I decided to put my random act into words. Being the writer that I am, putting things into a written form is usually my best bet so it seemed fitting that I should use this tactic for this month's RAOKA theme. I decided to create little sticky notes (see the pictures in this post) with positive, beauty-focused sayings on them. I created a bunch at one time and carried them around with me everywhere, posting them in random places like bathroom mirrors or checkout counters or even on cars. I'll admit I often felt a bit guilty about it (was I littering? did people even want to read these little signs of mine?), but overall it felt great. I would imagine the next person to come by and see the sticky note smiling at it. It made me feel great to know that maybe someone was seeing it and it was making his or her day better.

Of course, posting these around town gave me some time to think about beauty and what it really means. It's interesting when you look at beauty all over the world and see how different cultures think about beauty. Different cultures have different standards of beauty, which makes it a very tricky thing to define. More important than defining, however, is realizing that we all possess it. We are all beautiful. I know, I know, that sounds incredibly hard to believe. Most of us have been taught that some things are beautiful and some things are not, but that's not true at all. What's true is that everything -- everything! -- has beauty in it. It's just a matter of looking for it...

Looking for beauty in everything isn't always easy. We've been taught to believe that certain things are   beautiful, which makes it difficult to find everything beautiful. But I really do believe that beauty is everywhere, in everything, and it's up to us to open our eyes and look around to see it. Like most things worth doing, looking for beauty in everything can be difficult at times. We don't always know how to see it. We don't always want to see it. But it's there. It's always there. And I'm going to share with you my ideas on how to find it.

How To Find Beauty Everywhere

• Be present. If you pay attention, you're likely to realize that there really is beauty all around you. Yes, sometimes it's harder to see, but it's there and you're never going to be able to see it if you don't look around. So put that Crackberry down and look around. See the beauty!
  

• Be open-minded. When you're looking around for all of that beauty, remember to keep an open mind. It's pretty hard to see true beauty if you're focused on the ideal standards that you've been inundated with your whole life. Trying looking at things from a fresh point of view and you'll see beauty everywhere!

• Be positive. Of course, if you're looking for things not to be beautiful, you'll certainly see the ugly in them. So be positive! Focus on the good, even if it's a tiny little bit of good, and you'll start seeing more and more beauty in everything. Look for beauty and you will find it.

• Be hopeful. Sometimes all you need is a little bit of hope to realize that there really is beauty in everything. Just like when you look for good, you find good, when you have hope that you'll see beauty in someone or something, you will. It's all about believing that there really is beauty all around us.

• Be generous. It's easier to hold back sometimes, to want to refrain from labeling something or someone as beautiful. We tend to think of beauty as something that's rare and that "beautiful" is a word that should be doled out sparingly. But that's just silly! There's no limit to how much beauty there can be in the world.

• Be creative. Yes, sometimes it takes a little bit of creativity to see the beauty in something, but I know you have the power to be imaginative and inventive and to realize that beauty doesn't have to come in a traditional package. Being creative will help you to recognize beauty you might not normally see.

As you can see, searching for beauty in everything can require a lot of work. However, in my opinion, it's an important activity because seeing beauty in everything makes life better. Just think about how you feel when you see something really beautiful. You are in awe. You are moved. You are excited by the possibilities of beautiful things in your life. Now just think about what it would be like to feel that way all the time (or, at least, most of the time). What if you could see the beauty in everything? What if you could be excited by the gorgeousness in every person, place, and thing you came across?

I doubt I'll ever be the type to see beauty in everything, but I'm certainly more aware of it now that I've thought about it and written this post. Just right now I'm staring out my winter at the bare branches of a tree and normally I would think it was boring, bland, a depressing sign that winter is right around the corner. But not today! Today I'm looking at it and I'm amazed by it's beauty, by it's ability to be so stark and tall against the blue background of the sky. I'm impressed by how stoic it looks, how proud it seems, and how, in just a few short months it will begin producing those tiny green buds to tell me that spring is on the way.

So, as you can see, it really is possible to see beauty even when you don't think you'll be able to. It's not easy -- but what good thing usually is? -- but it's so worth it when you realize that you can look around you and see beauty everywhere. With that attitude, you can go through life seeing the good, seeing the beautiful, in everything. You can then share those thoughts and feelings with others, causing a ripple effect in which more and more people are seeing the beauty around them. Take the time to look at things around you today and see if you can see the beauty that surrounds each and every one of us.

How do you find beauty in your own life?
What are some of the most beautiful things you've seen lately?

 

Reader's Note: Tomorrow I'm off to celebrate the beauty that is New York City. Since I'll be hitting the Big Apple hard over the next few days, I won't be responding to comments on Thursday, but I WILL be reading them so feel free to share your thoughts on beauty in the comments section. And if you're looking for more to read today, check out my guest post on Urban Monk, "Finding Peace in Happiness."
 

 

words to live by: i will be grateful for this day

 (♥)

 

I had girl I knew she grew became a woman
now I think that she teaches
at one of the schools downtown
we used to roll the windows down
and play the music loud
smoking out in her car
Lost in west Omaha,
and we’d get drunk and kiss
our bodies twist like shoe laces.
And we never came untied;
I guess you were just my type.
You know that summer never stopped.
I still pretend I’m there.
Bands in the living room,
neighbors ain’t never cared.
So when I sat behind the drum set.
Your heartbeat’s what I tried to play.
With kick and snares so careless not in time.
So you got ahead of me.
And I guess I’m still dragging behind.
I had a friend who changed his name
but couldn’t change himself.
Never quite figured out
how to do with what life had dealt.
He put a needle in his arm
to calm his handsome hell.
who would have imagined it?
Could’ve worked out so well.
Now he's a shape that moves
like echoes through my empty room.
And there’s a voice that speaks
like someone’s right behind me.
I turned around and found
exactly what you would expect.
Clothes I left on my floor.
The papers piled on my desk.
But where the ink is
where the cause effect
what’s meant by it
the story is incomplete.
The pictures’ left unfinished.
So I am writing my own ending.
I’ll let my pen bleed black or blue.
And I will color in the meaning.
It will be gold and green and true.
And I’ll learn to love
my new discovered proof.
I’ll be grateful for this day.
I will be grateful for each day to come.

"I Will Be Grateful For This Day"
Bright Eyes
 

Love the lyrics? Listen to the song on YouTube. Love the image? Check out Vol25's website and Vol25's Etsy Shop to purchase and see more items. "Words To Live By" is a segment on Positively Present that features my favorite quote or lyrics from the week. Every Sunday I post a quote or lyrics that have inspired me with the hope that they'll inspire you too. Comments will be closed on these posts, but feel free to tweet the post if you enjoy it or contact me via Twitter.

100 things i am thankful for

 (♥)

"Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. 
If you concentrate on what you don't have, 
you will never, ever have enough."

Oprah Winfrey

 

This week I've been writing a great deal about gratitude and it's no surprise that this has inspired me to think about all of the things I am thankful for. Every once and awhile I pull out my happy list (click the link to read more about it) and I add things to it. Yesterday, as I was thinking about gratitude, I realized that this list is somewhat like a gratitude journal, in that I'm really both happy and grateful for all of these things in my life. (See Wednesday's post to read more about the connection between happiness and gratitude.) All of the things that make me so happy are things that I'm also grateful for. Yesterday I added a bunch of new things, bringing the list up to 600! As tempting as it is to share all of those with you, I'll sum it up with my top 100...

100 Things I Am Thankful For

1. Life. How cool is that I'm actually here, in this world, living?
   
   
2. Friends. There is no way I could survive without them. Love you guys!
   
   
3. Family. We have our ups and downs, but they really are my foundation.
   
   
4. Love. It's completely magical and amazing, isn't it?
   
   
5. Words. They are literally my life line. I would not be me without them.
   
   
6. Choice. I love that every day I can choose to be happy. Fabulous!
   
   
7. Music. It's one of those things I literally cannot live without.
   
   
8. Color. As you can probably tell from my site, I'm obsessed with it!
   
   
9. Magic. Just read a quote saying magic is in everything. So true!
   
   
10. Art. To quote Ani Difranco, "Art is why I get up in the morning."
    
    
11. Dogs. They are flat out amazing creatures. Love you, Bella! Miss you, Pooky!
    
    
12. Health. I'm a pretty healthy girl and I'm so, so, SO happy about that.
    
    
13. Seasons. Spring, summer, winter, fall -- love 'em all!
    
    
14. Stars. As The Killers sing: "Stars are like rebel diamonds cut out of the sun." How beautiful!
    
    
15. Acceptance. I'm so thankful to those who accept me for who I am.
    
    
16. Rainbows. I've seen more of them this year than in my entire life combined. Amazing!
    
    
17. Blogs. I love writing mine and I love all the blogs I read on a regular basis.
    
    
18. Laughter. There is little better in the world than the laugh-so-hard-you-cry feeling.
    
    
19. Holidays. There's something incredibly exciting about them (especially Halloween!!!!).
    
    
20. Sunshine. I don't see too much of it today, but I love, love, love when the sun's shining.
    
    
21. Books. There's never a time when I'm not thankful for the words of another.
    
    
22. Organization. It might seem boring to some, but I'm really glad I'm organized.
    
    
23. Generosity. One of those things that's just as great to give as it is to get.
    
    
24. Encouragement. So many people have supported me in my life and I'm so lucky to have them.
    
    
25. Accountability. I'm so glad I've finally realized that I'm accountable for myself and my life.
    
    
26. Smiles. I love giving them and getting them. As Buddy the Elf says, "Smiling's my favorite!"
    
    
27. Change. It scares the shit out of me sometimes, but it can be a wonderful thing.
    
    
28. Fun. Who doesn't love a little bit (or a lot!) of fun in their lives?
    
    
29. Housing. This is something I usually take for granted, but I heart my apartment!
    
    
30. Comfort. Comfort food, comfy sweatpants, a comfortable relationship...comfort rocks!
    
    
31. Hope. Sometimes it's hard to find, but it's always there, waiting to lift me up.
    
    
32. Handwriting. It's so cool how we're all so different and this is a great place to see that.
    
    
33. Glitter. C'mon now, you know glitter is just about the awesomest thing ever.
    
    
34. Patience. I don't have very much of it yet, but I'm getting better at it every day!  
    
    
35. Photographs. There is nothing quite like a brilliant image to capture a moment.
    
    
36. Wonderlands. I particularly love Alice in Wonderland, but a winter wonderland is pretty great too.
    
    
37. Honesty. It really is the best policy.
    
    
38. Surprises. As long as they're good, I lovvvvvve them.
    
    
39. August. Best month ever, hands down.
    
    
40. Paw prints. I can't help but smile every time I see them.
    
    
41. Passion. One of the best things: seeing someone passionate about what they do or who they love.
    
    
42. Palm trees. If only they had them on the east coast... I'll be back, Cali!
    
    
43. Dreams. Both the daytime or nighttime variety are pretty cool.
    
    
44. Films. A movie that leaves you feeling moved -- priceless!
    
    
45. Positivity. Look for the good in everything and you will find it.
    
    
46. Knowledge. Gaining and possessing knowledge is one of my favorite things. Ever.
    
    
47. Quality Time. When you get to spend really quality time with someone, it's sooo fantastic.
    
    
48. Animals. How alike and different we are from them! Fascinating!
    
    
49. Kindness. Even the smallest act or word can change a day around...
    
    
50. Sleep. There's nothing like a soft pillow and a warm blanket after a long, hard day.
    
    
51. Dancing. I can't say I'm very good at it, but I love to do it!
    
    
52. Safe Landings. Gotta love those after a turbulence-filled flight!
    
    
53. Food. It's a major part of life, but I often forget to be thankful for it.
    
    
54. Challenges. They may suck at the time, but they always make me a better person.  
    
    
55. Imagination. I don't know where (or who!) I would be without it...
    
    
56. Compliments. Yeah, you know you're thankful for 'em too.
    
    
57. Twitter. It's awesome connecting with people on there and a great resource for new info.
    
    
58. Growing Up. Man, it was tough being in high school... and college... and right-out-of-college...
    
    
59. Freedom. Another thing I often take for granted, but am SO lucky to have.
    
    
60. Plans. I love knowing that fun things are coming up. Putting plans in place is great!
    
    
61. Therapy. Seriously, it has changed my life in so many amazing ways.
    
    
62. Driving. The car, the road, the music... awesome.  
    
    
63. Inspiration. There's nothing quite like coming across something that inspires you.
    
    
64. Peace. I'm not always at peace with myself and the world, but I'm working on it.
    
    
65. Productivity. It feels so great to be getting stuff done.
    
    
66. Emotions. Sometimes it's scary to feel things deeply, but it's also very wonderful.
    
    
67. Creativity. It's such a great feeling to make something and know it came from your heart. 
    
    
68. Good News. We all know there's a lot of bad news out there, so it's great to hear the good stuff.
    
    
69. Clothes. Even though I'm a grown-up, I still love playing dress up. Heart you, Chanel & Marc Jacobs!
    
    
70. Apologies. It feels great to hear them and even better to say them.
    
    
71. Forgiveness. This is also pretty great if you're in the wrong...
    
    
72. Weekends. Ahh, to be work-free for a few days. Love it!
    
    
73. Magazines: Nylon, Bitch, Bust, Real Simple, InStyle... I heart you.
    
    
74. Now. It's awesome to live in the moment. The only time we have is NOW!
    
    
75. Respect. One of the best things we can do is respect others -- and ourselves.
    
    
76. Bathing Suits. Considering I have about 32 of them, I'd say I'm pretty grateful for 'em (and summer days!)
    
    
77. Joy. It's something that is all around us -- we just have to look for it.
    
    
78. New Places. They can be scary sometimes, but the excitement is part of the fun!
    
    
79. Kisses. There are all sorts of kisses, but all of them are so awesome. 
    
    
80. Memories. I don't like to dwell too much on the past, but it's awesome to look back sometimes.
    
    
81. Excitement. I've had a fair amount of it in my life lately and I love it!
    
    
82. Coziness. It feels so good to cuddle up and be cozy with a great book (or person!).
    
    
83. Thoughts. I have a lot of them (a lot, a lot!) and I'm thankful for every single one.
    
    
84. Internet. Oh, what in the world would I do without you, World Wide Web??
    
    
85. Compassion. It feels wonderful to be compassionate to others.
    
    
86. Journals. All of those blank, beautiful pages!! I cannot get enough of them!
    
    
87. Opinions. I love sharing mine and hearing others' as well.
    
    
88. Water. Another one of those things I tend to take for granted, but it's super important.
    
    
89. Energy. I seem to have a lot of it these days! Yippee!
    
    
90. Questions. When I question things and when others question me, I learn. Love that!  
    
    
91. Time. I've already spent a pretty good amount of time being me, and I'm thankful for that.
    
    
92. Hugs. Not normally a touchy-feely girl, but a good hug can brighten any day.
    
    
93. Earth. This place is pretty cool, if you ask me. Thanks for letting me live here, Earth!
    
    
94. Safety. More often than not, I feel very safe and I'm so lucky to have that privilege.
    
    
95. Strength. I'm not that physically strong, but I have a lot of internal strength that I need to be thankful for.
    
    
96. Independence. It's great to be free, but it's also important to be independent.
    
    
97. Gifts. I adore buying gifts for others (and don't mind receiving them myself! ha!).
    
    
98. Enthusiasm. Life's too short to sit around being bored so get into it!  
    
    
99. Gratitude. Without it, I don't think I would be nearly as happy as I am right now.
    
    
100. YOU. Thank you, thank you, thank you for reading and support this blog. You. Are. Awesome.

Thank you to all of you who wrote in on Wednesday telling me about the things you're thankful for in your own lives. If you have more to add, or if you didn't get a chance on Wednesday, feel free to share with me in the comments section all of the things that you're grateful for today. I'd love to hear about the things that inspire you to have an attitude of gratitude!

Want a high-tech way to encourage that gratitude within you? Check out Gratitude Stream for your iPhone. You can also check out Gratitude Stream on Facebook!

which comes first: happiness or gratitude?

 

 "All happy people are grateful.
Ungrateful people cannot be happy. 
 We think being unhappy leads people to complain, 
 but complaining leads to people becoming unhappy."  

Dennis Prager

 

The other day I spent a great deal of time writing and thinking about gratitude. While I was looking up some great sites about gratitude (see Monday's post for details), I came across the quote that's written above and I thought to myself, "Wow, that really is true." I'm sure there are plenty of people that are ungrateful that experience happy moments, but I don't think anyone who is truly, deeply happy is ungrateful. I think that happiness is something that can take shape in different forms, and the form Prager is talking about is that deep and lasting happiness. Sure, ungrateful people can have their moments of bliss or joy when something's going particularly well in their lives, but I don't think they can truly experience what it means to be deep-down happy until they become grateful for what they have in their lives.

In my experience (and looking at the experiences of others), when you're happy, you become thankful. When you're thankful, you become happy. As I discussed the other day, gratitude really has many positive benefits and I honestly believe that it's one of those things that brings out happiness within me -- no matter what. Even on the worst day, in the worst mood, if I start thinking about the things I have going for me in my life, all of the things I'm grateful for, I instantly feel uplifted. The trick here is actually getting myself to a place where I'm able to let those grateful thoughts in...Sometimes my mind just isn't in the mood for them! Gratitude always, always, always brings a smile to my face once I can get myself to a place where I've opened my mind to it. I'll admit that sometimes it's not easy. When you're facing a heartbreak or when something terrible happens, gratitude isn't always the first thing to come to mind, but once you can bring yourself back to it, you'll find -- as I always do -- that you are inspired and much, much happier.

When I came across the quote above, it really got me thinking about which comes first: the happiness or the gratitude? Are happy people grateful or are grateful people happy? It seems to make sense that happy people would be grateful for their happiness (and for all of the things that make them happy), but it also makes sense that people who are very grateful would be very happy. On the flip side, we can think about unhappiness and ungratefulness. Are those who are ungrateful unhappy? Or are those who are unhappy ungrateful because they feel they have nothing to be grateful for? I suppose one could spend some serious time thinking about and researching this (and I'm sure many already have!), but for me it seems to be one of those chicken-or-the-egg situations. I don't know which one came first, but I do know that both elements are pretty necessary.

Happiness and gratitude are two things that, like the chicken and her egg, go hand in hand with one another. Whichever came first isn't necessarily important; what matters is that they build on one another and they enhance one another. Prager was really onto something in this quote. He really got the idea that gratitude is something that is deeply connected with happiness. Likewise, being ungrateful (or complaining, as he says), is something that relates directly to unhappiness.

I can speak to Prager's point about complaining from first hand experience. I used to be a notorious complainer. Everything was wrong in some way and, even if no one else could see it, I could. I was rarely content because I was always looking for something to moan and groan about. Even if things were going well in my life, I could find a reason to complain. Many times I wouldn't even say it out loud, but it was always there, under the surface, those little thoughts telling me what could be better about every situation. Clearly, all of this complaining and negative analysis didn't make me very happy (nor did it make those spending time with me very happy either!). In fact, it made me downright miserable. I was always looking for the bad. And guess what? I always found it. When you look for something, you find it. When you look for things to complain about, you find them. All of that complaining made me pretty darn unhappy.

These days, I choose to look for the good (which, believe me, isn't always easy!) and I find that I'm a lot happier just because I am grateful for the things around me. Sure, I don't think every situation is perfect, but when I look for the good things in a situation, I find them and I focus on them. I become grateful for them. Most situations/people/things have both good and bad, but I can say with 100% certainty that if you look for the good in them, you will be happier. It takes a lot more effort to be grateful than it does to complain (especially for someone like me, to whom complaining comes naturally!) so I get why a lot of people don't spend more time being grateful. Sometimes it's nearly impossible to snap yourself out of whatever negative mindset you're in and focus on the good, but it's always possible. It's always possible to be grateful for the good things.

Just as I believe happiness is a choice, I believe gratitude is also a choice. It really is quite simply about choosing to focus on the good things instead of the bad. And, if you want to take it one step further, you can focus on the bad things too and realize the reasons you have to be grateful for them. I can say with all certainty that I've had some pretty shitty things happen to me in my life. I can say with even more certainty that I brought many of these things upon myself. I could sit here and whine about them and think about the negative way these things have impacted my life, OR I could be grateful for them. I could look at them and realize that without those things I wouldn't be the person I am today. I wouldn't be as strong or as smart. I wouldn't be as interesting or brave. I wouldn't be anything like the girl I am right now. So today I am grateful for those things -- for all of the things, good and bad, that have made me the person I am today.

Honestly, I don't know whether happiness or gratitude comes first, but what I do know is that, in my life, they work together to make everything better. I am grateful for my happiness. I am happy to have so many things to be grateful for. For those of you living in places that celebrate Thanksgiving, I hope you have a wonderful holiday tomorrow. Take some time to be grateful at this time of year (and always!) and you'll find that happiness lies in everything you are thankful for. To read more about what I'm thankful for this year, stop your big turkey-filled belly by Positively Present on Friday and check out the post "100 Things I Am Thankful For." And, of course, I want to know...

What are YOU thankful for this year?
How do happiness and gratitude play a roll in your life?

Photo Credit: (♥)