positively present

how to stay positive in the face of rejection

 (♥)
 

"I take rejection as someone blowing a bugle in my ear
to wake me up and get me going rather than retreat."

Sylvester Stallone

The post below is a guest post by Liz Borino, a writer after my own heart who is passionate about the effects of optimism on people’s success. Today she's writing on the topic of rejection, something most people experience at some point in their lives. It can be difficult to be positive in the face of rejection, but Liz offers some helpful tips on how you can make the most of even the most unpleasant of situations.

 

Being rejected is a terrible feeling. I’m a writer, so I’ve done my best to get comfortable with the possibility of rejection because I realize it will happen. However, it doesn’t just happen to writers, it happens to everyone because we’re human and sometimes we need other people’s approval to reach our goals in life. It does absolutely nothing for us or our goals if we stay down. Here are four positive ways of handling rejection.

 

1. Keep it in perspective. No matter how perfect that job, opportunity, boy/girl, college, or whatever you were rejected from, seemed they weren’t. The boy/girl probably snores, the job might force you to work more hours a week, which would take you away from your family. There will be other opportunities for success. I promise you.
   
   

2. Try another avenue of success. There are two options here, wait for another avenue or opportunity to present itself, or create your own. I’m impatient and don’t like to put my success in the hands of other people who can’t be as invested in it as I am. Let’s say you get rejected by your crush, a positive way to create another opportunity would be for you to go to a coffee house (or a bar, if that’s more your scene) and approach someone reading your favorite book. In the case of the artist, if they’re rejected by a magazine or publishing house, when they get one rejection they could send out two new submissions to other publications.
   
   

3. Don’t take it personally. This one’s tricky, I know. You’re probably sitting there saying, But if I got rejected, how is it not personal? The fact is it probably has more to do with the person who rejected you than about you. Maybe, you didn’t get that date because that person doesn’t go out with people who wear glasses. Maybe that college you got rejected from is filled to capacity. It’s possible that the agent you queried just isn’t interested in representing anymore of the genre that you’re writing in. These aren’t just excuses to make you feel better, they really could be true.
   
   

4. Reflect. Of course, if you’re being continually rejected, it might be time for some self-reflection. For example, if all your crushes are turning you down you might have to evaluate how you’re approaching people and if those people are really right for you. An example might be if you were trying to get the president of the science club to go out with you, impressing him with your pop-culture knowledge may not produce the desired result. If you got rejected from every college you applied to, it might help to retake the admission tests, or go to a community college for a year or two. This isn’t about blaming yourself, but instead taking responsibility for your own success.

Rejection is never easy to take, no matter how invested you were in what you were trying to accomplish. However, it should never derail your positive attitude or stop you from attaining your goals. 
 

Liz Borino is passionate about the effects of optimism on people’s success. She has also just completed a novel and loves networking with other people of similar mindsets. She can be reached on Twitter @lizb1987.

wonderland's wisdom: 5 life lessons from alice's adventure

"My name's not Alice
but I know how she felt
When her world started
turning into something else..."

Lisa Mitchell
 

Today I have a very important date... to see Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland! Those of you who have been reading the blog lately know that Alice in Wonderland is one of my favorites. For as long as I can remember, I've been in love with the story. I've watched the Disney film more times than I can count and I've read the book quite a few times. As a child, I loved Alice more than any of the other animated films. While many little kids were scared of the film, I sat watching intently, in awe of the oddness of it. I wondered what it would be like to fall down a rabbit hole into a world where everything made no sense.

As I got older, I realized that my world had quite a bit of nonsense in it as well and I wondered if, perhaps, I was already down the rabbit hole. Everything about the world -- both Alice's and my own -- fascinated me and confused me. I spent a great deal of my childhood thinking about Alice and how much I was like her. I felt, in many ways, that my life paralleled her unexpected journey down the rabbit hole. I came to understand that, like Alice, I couldn't seem to come to terms with the world around me. It was an interesting place, yes, but also unnerving at times. The world around me was something I wanted desperately to understand yet struggled so much to do so. I would go to sleep hoping to wake to the realization that all my life I'd been dreaming. I hoped to find that real world, the world in which things finally made sense, was just on the other side of my dreams.

The older I got, the more settled I became with the idea that this place in which I was so unhappy was meant to be my home. I was meant to spend my days nibbling on the negative and sipping from the cup of sarcasm. I was, I began to believe, meant to live in this Wonderland. I resigned myself to the idea that I would spend my life in a place that didn't make much sense to me. In the past, my world seemed dark and senseless. The actions I took and the mistakes I made seemed to have no meaning and there were times when I felt as if those around me were truly speaking a different language. I didn't understand why I had to follow so many rules and make so many choices that didn't seem to lead me to happiness at all. I didn't understand a lot of things and all of that confusion only led to more unhappiness.

There were periods of my life when I felt so different from the people around me that at times it felt like either I had gone mad or they were all mad. In some of my unhappiest of days I felt as if I was living in a world that literally made no sense whatsoever. I couldn't understand why people did what they did or, in some cases, why I was doing what I was doing. I would look around, wide-eyed, and recall Alice's words: "If I had a world of my own... nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary-wise; what it is it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would." I wanted to be in a different place, a world that made sense to me. I would close my eyes and wait to wake up, wait to open my eyes to a world in which everything had been turned upside down and finally made sense.

Lately I feel as if, as Alice eventually did, I am waking up. I feel as if now, with a positive attitude and a determination to see the good in life, I am opening my eyes and really seeing the world -- the real world. Wonderland, that place in which I lived with unhappiness and chaos and confusion, was an exciting place. It was intriguing and tempting and in some ways fascinating. But it wasn't real. As much fun as it was at times to live the way I used to -- indulging in anything and everything that I fancied, spending so much of my time trying to find my way, feeling lost and yet exhilarated by the possibilities of a world filled with nonsense -- I've found that my new reality is so much more brilliant and enticing than I would have ever imagined. Writing this today, I can only hear one thought echoing in my mind: I am so happy I finally woke up. 

I feel a sense of freedom sometimes, no longer feeling trapped in a world that made no sense. Today the world makes sense to me. It makes me feel alive and excited. I am happy just to be here and to know that I did, eventually, wake up to a new life, a real life. But just because I now feel as if I am in a different place doesn't mean I don't still love Wonderland and all of the things I learned there. There are many things we can learn from the places that don't suit us, from the things that seem to make us uncomfortable and confused. Below are some of the lessons from Wonderland that helped me to become the person I am today. I hope you will read them and learn from them just as I've been doing all these years.   
 

#1
Decide where you want to be going.  

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to go," said the Cat. 
"I don't much care where--" said Alice. 
"Then it doesn't much matter which way you go," said the Cat. 
"--so long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation.
"Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

Do you know where you want to go in life? Personally, I have an idea of where I want to be going, but not a certain, definite path. As the Cat says, if you don't know exactly where you want to go, you could end up just about anywhere. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but if you do have some sort of direction you want to be headed in, you should probably start going that way rather than just trying to get anywhere. Figure out what your path is and get on it! And remember: No one but you can point you in the direction or path that is right for you. It's up to you to find your path and start moving in the right direction. I know this all too well in terms of my own life. No one, no matter how hard some tried, was ever able to convince me to drop my negative attitude -- except me. I was the only one who was able to turn my life around and make it what I wanted it to be. It hasn't been easy and I've certainly had some help from the amazing people in my life, but it was ultimately up to me to get on the right path -- and stay there. If you don't know what your path is, give it some serious thought. If you are already on the best path for you, keep moving!

#2
Stop doing things that get you nowhere.

"It takes all the running you can do,
to keep in the same place."
The Red Queen

What do you do that keeps you in the same place? Do you want your life to change but you keep doing the same things over and over again? I know his happens to me. Like many people, I find myself complaining about things that I chose to do. I will make choices and then I will be unhappy with them afterward. Listen to the Queen. The Queen is right. Sometimes -- okay, often -- it feels easier to keep doing what you've been doing because it's comfortable. We can get so set in our ways, in rationalizing our behavior to make it seem okay, but we're actually making things a lot harder on ourselves. Just think about your life for a minute. Are you doing things that are making it harder on you? Are you staying in situations that make you unhappy because it seems easier than getting out of them? Are you putting yourself in positions where you have to compromise yourself because it seems easier?  Think about how much time and effort and mental energy that takes just to stay where you are, to keep doing what you're doing. It seems like it would be hard to leave or change, but, really, it's harder to stay the same. Remember what the Queen said and remember this: don't ever, ever settle for less than what you deserve in life.

#3
Believe in what seems impossible.

"There's no use in trying," Alice said, "one can't believe impossible things."
"I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen.
"When I was your age, I always it it for half an hour a day.
Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

How many of us are like Alice, so certain that something is impossible that we don't even give it a try? People who succeed in life do so because they try and because they have a good attitude. They make an effort. They do, rather than just thinking about doing. This is hard though. Trust me, I know. I want to be a writer.  I want to write novels that people love and relate to. While I've drafted some articles and even written a novel (that I've shared with no one), have I really done anything to pursue my dream? Not really. In fact, I often sit back and say to myself, "Oh, that probably won't happen so I guess I'll just stay where I am." I think to myself, "I'm doing some writing so it's fine." Nope. This is not fine. Or, rather, it is fine, but "fine" is not what makes dreams into realities. Fine is not what makes my novel suddenly appear on bookshelves everywhere. No, I have to do more than fine. I have to believe that things that might seem impossible are possible. No matter what your dreams are, no matter what you envision for your life, you can make it happen. It won't always come easily, but you have to believe.

#4
Figure out who you are.

"Dear, dear! How queer everything is today! And yesterday things went on just as usual.
I wonder if I've changed in the night? Let me think...
Was I the same when I got up this morning?
I almost think I can remember feeling a little different.
But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?'
Ah, that's the great puzzle!" 
Alice

Who are you? Ah, the great and mind-boggling question. Do you really know who you are? I'm not sure anyone really 100% knows who they are (or even really will), but I do believe that  some of us have a better idea than others. Why? Because some people actually want to know who they are. If you're reading this blog (and weren't already turned off by the crazy Alice in Wonderland nonsense I'm spewing here), you're most likely a thinker, a soul-searcher. You want to know who you are which puts you a HUGE step ahead of most people, people who just move through life not knowing and not caring who they are. Your life will always be changing and new experiences will happen to you all the time. Like Alice, you might find your world turned upside down one day. As unsettling as life can sometimes be, if you know who you are, you have a foundation on which to always rest. You can be certain in one thing: yourself. Keep exploring yourself and trying to learn more about you because everything you learn about yourself can help you in life. Knowing who you are will keep you sane and help you to grapple with whatever curve balls life throws at you.

#5
Communicate carefully with others.

"You should say what you mean," the March Hare went on.
"I do," Alice hastily replied. "At least I mean what I say. 
That's the same thing you know."

 

Is saying what you mean and meaning what you say the same thing? I'm pretty sure it's not. You should think about this: Do you really say what you mean? Do you really mean what you say? Communication, for me, is tough. I don't always say what I mean either because I am afraid to or because I'm not sure exactly what I mean. I spend a lot of time thinking, but not all that much time thinking before I speak. Not surprisingly, my lacking communication abilities often lead to confusion and problems. I've learned (and am still learning more and more every day) that it's much better to take some time to figure out what you mean rather than saying things that may be the opposite of, or not even related to, what you mean to say. And, on the other hand, it's important to mean what you say. When you tell someone something, mean it. Don't just speak to speak. It can be hard to communicate with others. In some ways, we're all in our own little worlds and what makes sense to us doesn't always make sense to others. However, I've found that if you take the time to really think about what you want to say and if you really mean the words that come out of your mouth, things in life go a lot more smoothly.

 

As you can see, there's a lot to be learned from Alice and her adventures in Wonderland. If you haven't already read the book and seen the movie, you should definitely do so. Tim Burton's version comes out today and it's sure to be awesome (albeit a bit darker than the beloved Disney classic). Thinking about how much I've learned from Alice's tale reminds me that we can learn not only from the people in our lives and from our own experiences, but from books and music and quotes and films. Pay attention. There's a lot out there that can teach us if we just take the time to be aware of it. This weekend take some time to about your favorite book or film or even quote. Why does that mean so much to you? What about that book/film/etc. do you really like? You would be surprised how much you can learn about yourself when you take the time to think about the things you really enjoy. For as long as I can recall, I've loved the story of Alice in Wonderland. Its only now that I'm starting to realize just how much I get out of Carroll's novel and just how much I can learn about myself from exploring one of the things I love most. Take some time to think about what you love and you'll most likely uncover a lot more about yourself than you ever would have imagined.

Photo Credit: (♥)

link ♥ love: 50+ articles you should read now

"The more you read, the more things you will know.
The more that you learn, the more places you'll go."

Dr. Seuss

Since I started Positively Present over a year ago, I've spent a great deal of time reading blogs and articles related to positivity and living a happier, more present life. Since today is the last post in the Positively Present Month of Love series, I thought I'd share with you all of the blog posts and articles I've fallen in love with over the course of the past year. This list by no means includes all of my favorite posts (there are just too many great ones out there!), but it's a good starting point. Enjoy the articles and feel free to share those that I missed in the comments section! 

1 Huge Step Toward Happiness

2 Steps for Improving Your Life

3 Pieces of Advice I'd Give My 18-Year-Old Self

3 Secrets for Feeling Positive About Life

3 Tips to Calm Anxiety

4 Tips for Saying "No"

4 Ways to Make Time Work for You

5 Phases of Personal Development

5 Powerful Habits that Will Change Your Life

5 Reasons to Always Be Positive

5 Ways to Be Happier

6 Steps for Finding Your True Purpose

6 Traits that Separate Winners from Whiners

6 Ways to Be Positive in Any Situation

6 Ways to Conquer Fear

7 Proven Ways to Live a Happy Life

7 Ways to Find Happiness Through Simplicity

7 Ways to Make Your Life More Meaningful

8 Helpful Ways to Deal with Critical People

8 Tips for Maintaining Friendships

8 Ways to Increase Your Joy Factor

8 Ways to Stay Present and Focused

9 Steps for Being Decisive

9 Tips for Feeling Better in a Crisis

9 Ways to Overcome Jealousy

10 Benefits of Positive Thinking

10 Tips for Navigating the Waters of Life

10 Ways to Connect with Others

10 Ways to Have Peaceful, Loving Relationships

10 Ways to Turn a Bad Mood Good

11 Questions that Lead to Gratitude

11 Simple Ways to Spread Positivity

12 Powerful Life Lessons

12 Tips to Create a Happier Workplace

13 Reasons to Stop Complaining

13 Tips for Dealing with a Lousy Day

14 Facts about Happiness

15 Questions to Discover Your Personal Mission

15 Ways to Overcome Anger

19 Tips for Cheering Yourself Up

20 Powerful Beliefs to Push You To Success

23 Phrases to Help You Fight Right

24 Tips for Being Happy at Work

25 Healthy Habits that Can Change Your Life

27 Questions to Help You Find Yourself

28 Steps to a Positive and Successful Life

39 Ways to Boost Your Mood

40 Ways to Let Go and Feel Less Pain
 
50 Simple Steps to Happiness

50 Ways to Get Over Failure

50 Ways You Can Create a Better Day

60 Ways to Become the Person You Love

70 Ideas for Enjoy Life More Today

100 Ways You Can Start Loving Yourself Right Now

101 Things Worth More Than Your Bank Account

121 Ways to Improve Your Life and Be More Awesome


I hope you take some time to go through these links and check them out. These articles have really inspired me and I know they would inspire you too. Thank you to all of the great writers who wrote these and shared their thoughts. It takes a lot of work to write and article and I love the effort these authors put in. Thank you, writers! Your work is loved!

Are there any must-read articles that I missed?
Please link to them in the comments section!

 

don't wait for love: 10 ways to love yourself now

 (♥)

 

You've probably seen the words in that picture above countless times before. It's one of those things that gets thrown around, usually when someone is in a down-and-out state and struggling to understand why he or she doesn't feel loved. If they're being said to you they can be painful, but the pain underlines a telling fact: those words are true. Whether or not you want to believe it, if you don't love yourself, no one else can truly love you. Certainly you can be in relationships and experience varieties of emotions similar to love, but if you don't love yourself, if you don't respect yourself, I can guarantee you that no one else can really, truly love or respect you either.

How do I know this? From experience. The older I get, the more I get to know myself, and, much to my surprise, the more I actually love myself. And, not surprisingly (if you believe in the words pictured above), the more I grow to love myself and value my place in this world, the more love and acceptance I experience in my relationships with others. It may seem cliche or even ironic, but I can only speak from a place of my experiences and my experiences have shown me that the quote above is 100%, shockingly, undeniably true. If you want other people to love you, you must love yourself.

We all know this is generally much easier said than done. Of course we all want to love ourselves, but it's not always that easy, is it? Sometimes it can be very, very difficult to believe that you are worth loving. Sometimes it can be damn near impossible to believe that you are valuable. But you are! You, me, everyone is capable of loving and being loved. It's not always simple -- and usually it's not -- but it's always possible. And it's up to you to take the first step in the cycle of love by loving yourself. (The cycle of love, if you're wondering, is the idea that once we love ourselves, we are then capable of being loved, and then are capable of loving others, which makes us love ourselves even more!) If isn't already obvious, I'll spell it out for you here: no one but you can take this first step toward loving yourself. Others can attempt to love you -- and they can do their very best to convince you that you need to love you -- but ultimately it's up to you.

And, often, when left in our hands, the possibility of loving ourselves seems too grand, to insurmountable to even begin to dive into. In order to love ourselves, we have to accept ourselves and, man, is that hard sometimes. We have to accept the good and the bad, the mistakes and the triumphs. We have to actually look at ourselves in the mirror and really see who we are (which, believe me, can be pretty nerve-racking sometimes). It's way more tempting to just float along, letting the world move around you, just hoping that someday you will be loved in the way you want to be loved. As someone who has done this, I can tell you for sure that you'll never find what you're looking for if you don't start making some proactive attempts to love yourself. There's no better time than right now -- yep, right this very minute! -- to get started on some serious self-love. Here's my advice:

10 Ways to Love Yourself NOW

1. Celebrate your past. I'll be honest with you -- this is one of the hardest ones for me. There are things about the me I used to be that I just don't want to celebrate. However, I think about it like this: everything that happened to me in the past made me the person I am today so I need to embrace and celebrate that past because, without it, I wouldn't be me.
   
   
2. Indulge in your desires. Now, not every desire should be indulged it, but sometimes I think it's important to recognize the things that make you happy, that inspire you, that send little shivers of delight down your spine. Doing so will help you recognize the uniqueness that is you and will help you to identify the things you can focus on, those things that truly bring you happiness.
   
   
3. Let go of your mistakes. Mistakes happen. To everyone. No matter what you look like, who you are, what you do for a living, you've made mistakes. We all have and they all suck. I look back on some of my mistakes and literally cringe. But you know what? It doesn't do you any good to focus on them. Take what you can from them, learn from them, and then move the hell on.
   
   
4. Transform your mindset.Sadly it's often easier to get down on yourself than it is to lift yourself up, but if you want to love yourself, you have to change your mindset. You have to believe that you're worthy of love and you have to actively seek out positive things about yourself and your life. Believe me, if you don't do it, no one else well. Change the way you think about yourself and the rest will fall into place.
   
   
5. Embrace your future. Sometimes you find yourself in a tough spot, unhappy with your life and ultimately unhappy with yourself. While I'm all about living in the present, I understand sometimes that the present can be pretty rotten. So cut yourself some slack and remember that you have a deliciously exciting future ahead of you. Focus on what's to come and remind yourself that you can do anything.
   
   
6. Dive into your passion. Most people are passionate about something. They have things that really matter to them -- whether it be a cause or a job or a loved one or a hobby. Whatever it is that gets you really excited, focus on it. Embrace it. Run with it. One of the best ways you can learn to love yourself is to zero in on the things that make you the happiest and spend as much time as you can on them.
   
   
7. Live in your moment. While it's not always easy to live in the moment (nearly a year after starting this blog I still struggle with it on a daily basis!), it's important that you do so. Why? Because to live in the moment is to accept what is and to accept what is is the best way I've found for truly loving yourself. If you focus on the past or present, you're not loving yourself now. Love yourself by being present.
   
   
8. Sing your own praises. I know some people don't like toot their own horns, but you know what? It's okay to say how awesome you are every once and awhile. It's okay to admit that, wow, you did an amazing job on something or accomplished something you never thought you could. Celebrate yourself and your achievements and all of that self-love is sure to find you. Love your awesomeness because, seriously, you are awesome.
   
   
9. Listen to your ideas. Do you ever find yourself ignoring your instincts or avoiding your gut reaction? Don't do that anymore. If you want to love yourself, you have to believe yourself. You have to trust yourself. It's not always easy to listen to yourself, but recognize that your thoughts and ideas are always valid (no matter how ridiculous they might seem). You don't always have to act on your ideas, but always listen to them.
   
   
10. Appreciate your life. Okay, so there are some things you want to change about yourself, about your body, about your relationships, about your life? That's okay. We all want to change things. But what if you stopped focusing on the things you want to change and, instead, focused on the things you wanted to stay the same. Appreciating all that you have in your life is one of the very best ways to remember that you're so very lucky to be YOU.  

 

Of course, there are more than 10 ways to love yourself, but these are, in my opinion, the best place to start. (For more ideas, check out some old posts on Positively Present that focus on self-love, such as: "The ABCs of Loving Yourself," "Greet Yourself with Love," "8 Ways to Make Yourself Shine," "How To Love Your Life's Path," and "Love Love Love Who You Are Now.") I recognize that loving yourself can be really hard work. It's something I work on every day and still don't think I have it completely down (or know if I ever will!), but every time I do something or think something that aligns with the idea that I do, in fact, love myself, I find that a much more positive, more present person. After all, it's pretty hard to live in the moment and love the moment you're living in if you don't love yourself...

As I was writing this post, I came across a quote that really inspired me. Kurt Hahn wrote, "There is more in us than we known. If we can be made to see it, perhaps for the rest of our lives we will be unable to settle for less." When I read it, I thought to myself, "Wow, that really is true. We are all such unique and complex beings and we often don't spend the time or energy looking at ourselves in a deep and meaningful way." The more we turn our attention towards ourselves, towards the act of loving ourselves, the more likely we will be to ask for more from life and for ever, ever settle for less than we deserve. Don't settle. Don't wait. Start loving yourself right now!

guest post: change IS possible

 

(♥)

Today's guest post, by Brett H., author of DareToExpress, is one of my favorites. I can relate in a lot of ways to what Brett has written and it truly inspires me. Change is something that, when you're in a negative place in your life, seems impossible. When you finally realize that change is feasible, that it's something that can actually happen to you, it's absolutely amazing. Check out Brett's story in this post for some inspiration and motivation.


Life is Good

Yesterday was a strange experience for me. I didn't feel good for the entire day, yet I felt supremely good. I was tired and a little run-down from getting too much sleep, yet I felt the best I ever have. It was almost a Zen-like experience, where I didn't try all that hard, and I everything I did just effortlessly flowed from my fingertips -- and was good. Everything I did became an act of self-love and self-expression, from the way I ate my food, to the way I sat on my bed, reading The Bhagavad Gita, with a wry smile of self-satisfaction on my face and my body lying in a totally carefree manner with limbs sprawled carefreely in every-which direction. I never thought life could be this good, but it's actually a very small thing, this happiness.

Sometimes I think I take it for granted -- I'm so disconnected from the constant despair and turmoil that was my past that I overlook the near-constant happiness I have. But, at the same time, this shift from depression to positivity (and presence) is the greatest thing that's happened to me. People spend their whole lives looking for happiness and I've found it... think. All I know is that I've got this warm, fuzzy feeling of love in my chest all the time and I can choose what I can do with it. I call that happiness. If you told me that I would be as much of a source of positivity as I am now about 18 months ago, I would've told you that you were crazy. If you told my past self that I would be seeing the world as I do now -- as a wonderful, wonderful place -- he would've made some sarcastic remark that life sucks and moved on. If you told my past self that meditation and an understanding of spirituality would help elevate me higher than I've ever been, he would've told you that meditation is for the self-deluded and for New Age pseudo-hippies. But it's all true, and it's remarkably hard to believe. I can't even comprehend my transformation myself.


My Past Identity

I remember so many things from my past life. I remember being put on anti-depressants at age 10, and crying when I got them because they made me feel like something was wrong with me (and, I must say, I was right -- I had lots of psychological problems). Was I depressed? For the first time, I think I'll actually admit that I was truly in a very deep depression for about 5 years of my life. Therapy didn't help either; after a few months, I vowed never to return since it didn't help me and I buried my emotional problems so deep inside that I would be able to dodge the therapist's questions with honest answers that somehow never cut to the core of my problems. But he couldn't help me because I never knew what was truly wrong with me. And if I didn't know, I'd never steer the discussion in that direction.

All I knew was that I thought the world was a bad place and I was deeply unhappy with life in general. I thought the only person in the world who was any good was myself. My ego was the size of the Pacific Ocean. I had/have a great deal of natural talent intellectually, and have always done exceptionally in school. This, coupled with "growing up too fast," made me more "emotionally mature" than my peers. And by that I mean I lost the carefree positiviy of youth much faster and reverted to a state of constant negativity. I was always the witty one with dark, sarcastic humor and a twisted view of the world as a black hole. But I, the great Brett, was greater than everyone because I was so much smarter. And that's how I viewed life: me, the last, best hope of humanity, stranded in a world of eternal darkness. Except I didn't even function as a light; instead, I compounded the darkness with my negativity.

I became a master of suppressing ANY emotions, negative and positive. During school, I'd act like the normal, peppy kid who was on top of his studies and worked hard. But that didn't stop me from labeling the world as universally "bad" -- it didn't help that the town I live in is not a very pleasant place -- and me as the only "good." I'd go home and damn the world, damn existence, and let out all my bottled up negative emotions. I wouldn't necessarily cry, but I'd be kept up at night from overthinking -- thinking ab0ut the end of the world, thinking about what a chore it's going to be to wake up the next morning, and a host of other things I can't remember. I've been on pills to cure my insomnia for almost 7 years now, though I don't think I need them anymore since I no longer have those thoughts. Maybe my body's addicted to them. If you were to take a snapshot of my headspace when I was in my state of total depression, you'd see a boy who was totally lost in the world and whose only hope was college to escape what I saw as a desolate, hopeless town -- a fitting hope for the guy who based his identity off of his performance at school, though I was and still am a great athlete.

College was the light at the end of the tunnel, because I was so consumed with what I thought was the utter disaster that was around me. I still don't deny that my hometown isn't the greatest of places, but I let my environment totally define how I felt. I hated existence, I hated getting up in the morning, I hated the people I saw every day, I hated where I lived, I hated how I stood out among my peers since I was so smart, I hated how I was made fun of, I hated that I felt like the world was on my shoulders and I thought I had to perform for an audience I despised. Hate consumed my soul. I nearly attempted suicide twice, yet never thought there was anything wrong with me. The suppression of emotion choked me and still affects me to this day. Sometimes I struggle with genuinely expressing positive emotions around people, since I literally stopped doing it for so long and was afraid people would ask me why I'm so happy. But the negative emotions, for the most part, are gone. For every day that passes, I feel more and more free to express myself and my emotons.

Triggering the Transformation

So, how did I turn my life around? It all started out with my first and only real girlfriend (like I said, where I live things aren't the greatest, so dating prospects are few and far between). We went out for a little, then one Thursday afternoon, she called me and said, "Brett, let's go back to being best friends again." I said, "Sure, why not?" and that was that. But, in truth, it CRUSHED me. She said we broke up because I was "too negative" and that everyone hated me. I shot back that being negative just who I was, so I couldn't change that. Funnily enough, though this breakup totally destroyed my self-esteem because A) I just lost my first girlfriend and B) I lost my entire social circle because of the breakup because her friends became my friends, I never cried once about it. I guess I had gotten my black belt in emotional suppression by then.

After another dating prospect fell through because I had been too needy and negative (again), I lay crying in my bed, wondering why I was having zero success in life and with the ladies. And then my ex's words floated through my head -- and it kind of resonated with me. Maybe I wasn't supposed to be negative. Maybe there's more to life. Maybe I can be positive. At that point, I think I had reached the deepest point in my depression yet, since my self-esteem was obliterated (seems like I gave my power away much too much) and I was left stranded. At that point, I started letting go of my ego a little bit more, so I didn't have anything to cling to. Life seemed utterly hopeless. But, as they say, the night is darkest before the dawn.

In June of 2008, my brother gave me Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead as a gift. I read it and immensely enjoyed it -- and realized that life could be positive with achievement. And I could be proud of it, but not degrade others. I could share my gifts with the world, and, guess what? I could create a better life for myself. That's what I took from the book. I finished it in a week, tremendously inspired with what the human spirit could do. I ignored the Objectivist stuff and focused on the profoundly moving message within it that man could conquer any and all obstacles if he was determined too. Reading The Fountainhead was the first step on my way out of darkness.

I saw some improvement in the rest of 2008, applying some of the principles from The Fountainhead, but 2009 was where I saw massive improvement and transformation. I consumed tons of self-help material and read tons of philosophy -- for I wanted to know what happiness was and how to get there. Eventually, in a not-so-glorious process, I gradually extracted my negative view of the world and implanted a positive one. I started to understand happiness as a function of self-love and started allowing myself to love me for me, and not anything else. I stopped letting others define me. I started meditating -- something I would've never considered doing before -- and it immensely improved my life, more than any other habit I've ever picked up.

The transformation process is really a blur for me. That's really all I can remember. It took a lot of reading and introspection, but I got there. And, here's the thing, I'm getting better every day. It's an amazing process. The defining moment of my transformation came when, one October night, I was meditating, and -- out of nowhere -- broke out sobbing. I cried and cried like I had never cried before, letting go of all the negativity that was in my past. I looked back on all the things that I had considered negative things before -- the breakup, my trashy town, my misanthropy -- and realized they were instrumental in making me who I am now. I realized, in that moment of clarity, that if I had never suffered like I did, if I had never spent those years in darkness, I wouldn't be the happy guy I am today. That epiphany made me laugh and cry some more. That session of meditative sobbing was like a rebirth for me. I got rid of the shackles that had held me down for seemingly my entire life, and experienced life as it should be. It was so beautiful that I cried some more and tears are in my eyes as I write this.

Change IS Possible!

I am a testament to the fact that drastic change is possible. If people tell you "people never change," I know you'll crack a wry smile from now on as you remember my story. And, maybe you'll tell them, "No, I read on this blog that this kid Brett..." and you'll recount an abbreviated version of my story. If had to give you any tips on how to turn your life around, or become a just a little more happy, I'd say do these things:

• Accept and let go of negative emotions,
• Choose to focus on the positives in life,
• Tune out the negatives,
• Love yourself unconditionally, and
• Meditate.

Those are the basics, and those are what you should focus on. They'll never let you down. In such a negative society, it's also unusual to express good feelings and love if it's "out of context" (read: at any time you're not around friends/family). Buck that trend and start smiling wherever you go. If you do that shamelessly, I guarantee your life will improve. You'll become a source of positive emotion and serve as an inspiration for people who were like me and need some help to get out of their depression. Trust me, by shining, you'll be a beacon for them. I know I could've used people who were positive to the core to help me out.

Looking back, I don't regret anything that I've done. I'm glad that I was depressed for so long -- because if I hadn't been so depressed, I wouldn't have gone on my quest of self-discovery that put me where I am today. I'm glad my girlfriend kicked me to the curb and crushed my self esteem, because that ultimately ended up catalyzing my change. I wouldn't trade anything I've experienced for the world because it's made me who I am today -- and I love who I am. If I'd have to close this post -- all I'd say is this: don't let other people define who you are and deter you from making the change that you know you can make. Change is possible, you just have to go out and get it. If it doesn't come as fast you like, be patient -- uncovering all the years of negativity and emotional wreckage takes a lot of time. Don't rush it, be persistent, don't quit, and I promise that happiness lies on the other side. 

Brett H. is a self-actualization blogger who writes at DareToExpress, where he frequently writes about the self-actualization process and how people can make lasting changes for the better. You can follow him on Twitter at @bretthimself.

stop asking. start living.

"Have patience with everything that
remains unsolved in your heart.
Try to love the questions themselves,
like locked rooms and like books
written in a foreign language.

Do not now look for the answers.
They cannot now be given to you
because you could not live them.
It is a question of experiencing everything.

At present you need to live the question.
Perhaps you will gradually,
without even noticing it, find yourself
experiencing the answer."

Rainer Maria Rilke

 

Lately I've been asking myself a lot of questions. As I cruise through my twenties, I'm trying to figure everything out. I'm trying to figure out my career, my relationships, my likes and dislikes, and, most importantly, my place in this world. At times it can be overwhelming and I find my mind racing with questions, my thoughts filled with queries that lack answers.

Today I've decided to get to the bottom of these questions -- not necessarily by finding the answers to them, but by really thinking about them. As I find myself wondering and wondering, I have to ask myself the big question: "How much of this really matters?" When I reflect on what my overall goal is in life -- to positively live a life of purpose -- I realize that not all of the questions racing around in my head need answers. In fact, many of the questions I find myself struggling with don't even really need to be asked. Nonetheless, I often feel like I'm a little kid, still trying to figure out the world. I want to know -- always -- the big question: "Why?" I find myself pondering: Why do certain things happen to me? Why do others not happen to me? Why am I not experiencing the dream career I thought I'd have by now? Why am I so lucky to have great people in my life? Why am I living where I am, doing what it is that I do? Why do I love this and hate that? Why is my mind always racing with questions? Why, why, why...

There are so many "whys" in my life and sometimes it's very, very frustrating when I start questioning myself, my life, and the world around me. As you've probably found when you've asked yourself those big "life" questions, the answers aren't always easy to find (if, in some cases, there are even answers at all...). Being the impatient girl that I am, it's not always easy for me to deal with these unanswered questions. I want answers and I want them now. Sure, this is that living-in-the-moment attitude, but it's not really helping me to get answers -- or to be content with the fact that I may not always have (or ever get!) answers.

This week in therapy I found myself asking a lot -- and I do mean a lot of questions. It was that session that actually got me started thinking about questions. I was wondering a lot about my job and how I was going to either change it or change my attitude about it. I was wondering about my future, about my life, about this path that I seem to be heading down. As all of these questions were racing around my brain and popping out of my mouth, my therapist turned it around on me and asked me two questions, questions she's asked me before but that somehow struck me as particularly important right now. She said to me calmly as I was frantically spitting out question after question:

"What do you want?
How are you going to get it?"

Those really are the questions. What else is there? (Another question!) I need to know what I want from life (something I'm still unsure of at times) and I need to figure out how I'm going to go about getting it. I can narrow almost everything down to those two questions. When I think about my career, my relationships, my life in general, they can all be summed up with those two questions. What I want and what I'm going to do to get it are the two things I must focus on. They are the answers to all of the questions because they are, in essence, the culmination of all of the many, many questions I find myself pondering day after day. But even though I know I will need to focus more on these two questions, I also know that the answers aren't going to be easy. And, to be honest, I'm starting to realize that the answers aren't necessarily the point.  

I decided to take a look at the quote above and re-read this: "At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer." Reading that makes me realize that I don't necessarily need the answers to my questions. Rather, I need to experience them. I need to experience what I want and how I'm going to get it. As one of my favorite characters in the film Dazed and Confused says, "You just gotta keep livin' man. L-I-V-I-N."  Instead of simply asking myself questions, I need to start living them.

What questions do you often ask yourself?
Are you living your questions?

Photo Credit: (♥)

h is for happy: benefiting from a happiness project

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"There is no duty we so much as underrate as the duty of being happy."

Robert Louis Stevenson

Monday night I went to a book signing for Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project. After over a year of reading Gretchen's blog -- also titled The Happiness Project -- communicating with Gretchen via email (she was so helpful when I first started this blog and had tons of questions), and anticipating the arrival of Gretchen's book, it was great to finally meet the creator of the blog and author of the book in person. It's pretty cool when you get to meet someone in person who has inspired you (for more on how I was inspired, check out one of my very first posts, "Inspiration: The Happiness Project") and I'm very grateful for the opportunity to do that and to reflect on it in this post. Without Gretchen's inspiration, I'm pretty sure there would be no Positively Present, a thought I cannot even fathom now that I've grown so attached to my beloved blog.

Shortly before attending the book signing, I discovered that this week is the 9th Annual Hunt for Happiness Week, and what could have been better than to hunt for happiness in Gretchen's The Happiness Project? (To read more about Hunt for Happiness week, click here and don't forget to check out the 31 Types of Happiness.) I decided to take another look at Gretchen's book and pick out all of the things that really stuck out to me, the things that made me realizing that I was, in fact, benefiting from her happiness project. Over the past year I've learned a lot about happiness from Gretchen's blog posts and it was great to have all of that information in hand, in a neatly organized book form. With the book, I could easily flip through the pages and find all of the underlined passages, all of the places Gretchen's words (or the words of others, quoted by Gretchen) had truly spoken to me.

Since it would probably take a long, long time to go through all of my favorite lines in the book, I've decided to highlight a few of the messages that really stuck out to me when reading The Happiness Project. Many of these points I'd read about before on Gretchen's blog, but something about holding them in my hand and seeing them in the pages of her (very popular!) book made them seem more real and made me realize how truly important they are. Reading the blog and book have been very useful for me, and I've benefited a great deal from being exposed to Gretchen's insights. Here are a few of my favorites, the ones I feel like I benefited from most:

The Best of The Happiness Project

"To be happy, I need to think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right in an atmosphere of growth."

This is one of Gretchen's key points and she comes back to it over and over again in her book and on her blog. I think about this and I realize that it's really important. When you're working on your own happiness project (as I am, in a way, through this blog), it's essential to understand what makes you feel good, what makes you feel bad, and what makes you feel right. These sound like such basic things, but, really, most of us don't think all that much about them. One thing I've learned from being in therapy over the past year is to really pay attention to my body. When I find that I'm angry or irritated, I start thinking about my body and often find that there are external factors that are making me feel even more aggravated (like being cold or hungry) and these are things I can change. Recognizing what makes me feel bad --such as being too hungry -- helps me to make myself feel better by, for example, taking a break from what I'm working on a grabbing a snack. This is a small example, but it really goes to show that simply paying attention to what makes us feel good and bad can make a huge difference in our lives. In addition, I really got a lot out of what Gretchen wrote about "an atmosphere of growth." Learning and growing are things that have always been important to me, but it wasn't until recently that I realized just how important they are when it comes to having a happiness project. Growth can be scary at times, but it really is an important aspect of living a positive life.


"But the fact is, you can't change anyone but yourself."

It's hard for a lot of people to realize this one, but it's so, so true. It's often very tempting to believe that we can change others. After all, sometimes we can make subtle differences that make it seem as if we're changing them. However, over the past year, as I've done quite a bit of changing, I've really come to realize that, contrary to what I might want to believe sometimes, you really can't change anyone but yourself. And I've found that that can be one of the most frustrating things about having happiness project (or even simply being invested in personal development): no matter how much you change, that doesn't mean those around you are going to change. Likewise, no matter how much you choose to focus on happiness and positivity, it doesn't mean those around you will do the same. What it really comes down to is acceptance. You have to accept others for who they are and you have to surround yourself with people who accept you for who you are. Through the various interviews and blog posts on Gretchen's site, I've learned a lot about different people think about happiness. Happiness can be a very unique thing and what makes one person happy might not make another person happy. While a happiness project can be a great thing, filled with tons of benefits, it can also be really hard to make changes in your life when those around you aren't at all interested in making them. It's tempting to want to change other people, even to think you know it would be best for them to change, but, as Gretchen said, you really can't change anyone but yourself.

"One reason that challenge brings happiness is that is allows you to expand your self-definition. You become larger." 

About a year ago when I really started thinking about happiness (and how unhappy I was), I found that, as Gretchen suggests, my self-definition really did change. I was turning into someone else, and, as the quote above says, I found that I was becoming larger. I was beginning to see the world from different angles and to understand that happiness and positivity were based on a variety of factors, some of which were out of my control. While I desired to be happy, I also recognized that it presented a really big challenge for me. Undertaking the challenge was, in and of itself, an act that caused me to growth and expand as a person. Now that I'm here, nearly a year after starting this blog, I realize that who I am has changed significantly. The way I define myself -- my self-definition -- has shifted and I have begun not only to think of myself differently, but to see the world and others through a new perspective as well. Because I really work on being happier (and, yes, it's a lot of hard work!), I don't take my happiness for granted. I see it as a part of who I am, but also as something separate from myself, something that I've worked hard to achieve. Over the past year, I've most certainly become a larger person. My view of the world is bigger and it's growing every day. One of the greatest benefits of having a happiness project is that I'm constantly challenging myself and urging myself to see the good in situations I normally would see as negative (see Monday's post). I've grown more in the past year than I can ever remember growing and I think a great deal of that has to do with my desire to live a more positive lifestyle.

"Experts say that denying bad feelings intensifies them; acknowledging bad feelings allows good feelings to return." 

On Positively Present, I write a lot about positivity and how to focus on it. However, as Gretchen mentioned in her book, it's not healthy to focus only on the positive things in life. Ignoring the negative or bad things in life is not a good strategy because, as anyone who has tried this already knows (or will soon find out), those negative things always resurface if not dealt with properly. Right now I'm reading about this concept in Positivity: Top-Notch Research Reveals the 3 to 1 Ratio That Will Change Your Life, and it really highlights the idea that Gretchen brings up here: you cannot focus only on the good things. As nice as it seems that would be, positivity and happiness don't work that way. If you focus only the good things, you're denying the bad things and, as research has shown, this only intensifies them. When I first started thinking about positivity and how I wanted more of it in my life, my initial react was to push all of the bad thoughts away. Of course, this didn't go over so well and, not surprisingly, they quickly crept back to the surface, intensified by my determined avoidance. Now I see that it's so important to deal with the bad feelings and situations. Sometimes it really isn't pleasant and I'd much rather be sweeping them under the rug and plastering a smile to my face, but I always feel a lot better when I deal with the negative. I feel much more positive when I take care of the dealing with the bad things and that positivity gives me a big boost when it comes to facing the good things in my life.


"Act the way I want to feel." 

This quote is symbolic of one of the greatest benefits I've received from reading Gretchen's blog and the book The Happiness Project. I've always thought to myself that if you are acting a way you're not feeling than you're simply faking it and I've always wondered what the point of that would be. Why fake it? I used to ask myself when I was sinking into an irritated funk. I used to rationalize that it was just best to be who I was and not to play any games with my emotions. While it made sense to me at that time, I now realize that that's not the best plan of attack. According to Gretchen (and, as I've discovered myself from giving it a try), when you act the way you want to feel, you actually start to feel that way. If I find myself slipping into a bad mood, I do my best to act happy and, you know what? I actually find that I am happier. This sounds like it might contradict the earlier point of ignoring bad feelings, but it actually works with it. While it's not a good idea to ignore your negative emotions, there are often times when dwelling on them doesn't do any good. If you find yourself in a bad mood and you think to yourself, "I really want to be happy right now," start acting as if you're happy. You may still have issues to deal with (such as why it is that you've found yourself in a bad mood), but having a happy attitude will make dealing with any negative situation a lot more pleasant. And if being happy is too much for you, just try being positive and looking for the good in the situation. Whenever I look for the good in a bad situation (and, yep, this can take a lot of effort on my part sometimes), I instantly feel better. It might sound silly or as if wouldn't work, but I swear that when I start acting the way I want to feel, I actually start feeling that way.


"One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy. One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself."

When I read this is feels a bit like a tongue-twister for my mind. I have to be happy to make other people happy? But making other people happy will make me happy? I have to admit that the first time I read this it felt a little bit of chicken-and-the-egg syndrome. Which comes first? Making other other people happy? Or making myself happy so that I can then make other people happy? Personally, I think they go hand-in-hand. When I first started working on my own version of a happiness project, I admittedly was a bit self-absorbed. I was intent on finding all of the ways I could make myself happier and live a more positive life. When I read this line one day on Gretchen's blog, it was a real eye-opener for me. I realized that, while it was very important to focus on my own happiness and figure out what would make my life more positive, it was equally as important to make other people as well. I began doing what I could to spread positivity and to share what I was learning about happiness with others. One of the ways I began working on sharing my happiness was through my blog. My experience with blogging mirrors Gretchen's, which she wrote about in her book: "My blog gave me a new identity, new skills, a new set of colleagues, and a way to connect with people who shared my interest. I'd expanded my vision of the kind of writer I could be. I had become a blogger." In becoming a blogger, I had made myself happier and I'd found a way to share my experiences with positivity with others.

As you can see, there are some great points about happiness made in Gretchen's book The Happiness Project. Over the past year I've learned a great deal not only about Gretchen's happiness project, but about what it means to have a focus on happiness, to have a happiness project of my own. What's so great about the happiness project idea is that everyone's happiness project can be (and probably should be!) unique. Gretchen's always making the point on her blog (and in the book) that happiness is different for everyone. What makes one person happy won't necessarily make another person happy. Once we realize this and begin focusing on increasing our own personal happiness, it becomes clear that we all have the ability to have a happiness project that is a perfect fit for us.

Personally, I find that focusing on living positively in the present moment is something that works best for me. That underlying principle is put to work in my blog, in my daily interacts with others, and in a number of other creative avenues that help me to create a happier environment for myself. Would I say that having a unique, tailored happiness project of my own has brought me many, many benefits that outweigh all of the hard work I put in? Hell yeah! Having a happiness project -- a focus on how I can make my life and the lives of those around me better -- has changed my life in more ways than I can even begin to state. And it's amazing to consider the ripple effect of a happiness project. After reading about what Gretchen was doing on her site, The Happiness Project, I was inspired to create a site of my own that would focus on my own personal journey toward a more positive life. And who knows? Maybe someone reading this post today will be inspired and another happiness project will begin...

Do you have a happiness project of your own?
If so, what is it and how to do you benefit from it?

guest post: 28 steps to a positive & successful life

 
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As a reminder, I'm on a business trip (oh what fun!) until January 18th. In the meantime, I have some great guest posts to share with you... Today's post was written by Tess, author and creator of one of my favorite sites, The Bold Life. Whenever I visit her website, I leave feeling inspired. One of my favorite things about Tess's site is the warning that appears at the top of the page. It reads: "Warning! My blog will challenge you to be more, give more, live fearlessly, take more chances and show up in the world unstoppable, daring and bold." The first time I visited her site and checked that out, I was hooked! Be sure to check her out if you haven't already!


When we live with positive attitudes we touch not only the people around us in a good way but the entire world. Like a pebble tossed in a pond the ripple effect is endless. Knowing we all have that much power let’s take our positive presence up a notch or two and make a dynamic difference in the lives of everyone! The following methods will help you do so:

 

1. Do things that make you happy. Make a list of activities you enjoy doing. Include them regularly throughout the week. Spend time with people you enjoy. Eat foods you love. Wear clothes that fit you and your style. Become interested in other people, places and things.
   
   
2. Schedule downtime. Rejuvenate, relax and breathe deeply. When we take time to contemplate life and slow down we are tempted to think we are wasting time or not doing enough. The opposite is true. The mental and physical rewards of down time will help you shine in all other areas. Remember the turtle and the hare!
   
   
3. Surround yourself with positive things. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I fill my office with meaning full reminders including favorite photos, posters, books and meaningful stone and shells. I also have magazine and newspaper articles I've had published in frames. My home is filled only with things that are useful or beautiful. I don’t have time in my life for clutter or stuff. My time and energy is better spent on being fully alive.
   
   
4. Plan, plan and plan. Having a plan that will lead you to your dreams will increase your positivity and productivity. Create your long term goals and do three things daily to move towards them. One focused step at a time will get you there.
   
   
5. Be generous. Share daily. Leave generous tips. You will put a smile on the servers face and it will affect the next table. Give others the benefit of the doubt. Encourage others. Help someone succeed. Help others get what you want. Share your wisdom. You have so much to give and what you have will come back tenfold.
   
   
6. Become an early riser. Create the habit of getting up one hour earlier. You can use this as "me time" to pray, meditate and get prepared for your day.
   
   
7. Turn your car into a university. You can educate yourself with Pod casts and CDs on your niche. Listen to spiritual speakers for inspiration. You can even learn a new language during your commute.
   
   
8. Create a support system. Create a dream team of others who are going for their dreams. Meet regularly to share your successes and your problems. Be there for each other. Celebrate your progress.
   
   
9. Eliminate something negative. Stop one bad habit. If you are always late commit to being on time. If you eat junk food, add one new fruit to your diet. If you have debt, begin saving your change at the end of each day.
   
   
10. Be yourself. “I'd rather be hated for being myself than loved for being someone I'm not.”  Authenticity will make you glow. It will increase your self-love and create stability in your life. You are unique, worthy and we need you to do your part.
    
    
11. Let go of judgment. When we judge another it's a reflection of ourselves. Put yourself in another's shoes. We are all doing the best we know how to do. When we know better we do better. (Louise Hay)
    
    
12. Don't compare. It's easy to become envious of someone else's success. Most of us want more readers, comments, tweets and better statistics. You have no idea what someone else has gone through or done to get to where they are today. When you see someone doing well, bless them, praise them and congratulate them. Chances are their success is making the world a better place. Keep doing what you're good at.  Rejoice that you've touched others and made a difference in their lives. We are each playing our own part in the world. I can't do your part and you can't do mine. Yet we are all pieces of one giant puzzle.
    
    
13. Limit your TV time. Instead spend quality time with family and friends. Begin a new project. Help someone. Get physical. Go to the theater. Listen to music. Dance. Play board games. Communicate face to face. Touch, hug and enjoy the company of others.
    
    
14. Limit your computer time. How much time to you spend with your family and friends (face to face) compared to how much time you spend on line?  If you want an honest answer ask you family and friends if they feel neglected. It's all about balance.
    
    
15. Use positive language. Avoid telling yourself and others something can't be done. Eliminate 'never,' 'can't,' 'won't,' 'always,' 'should,' and 'maybe.' Instead use these sentences: What can I do for you? Please. Thank you. You betcha! I'm on your side. I'm here for you. I'll find a way. Become aware of speaking negatively about anyone or anything.
    
    
16. Be flexible. Know the unexpected will happen. Your car won't start, a loved one will die, or you will lose your job. Learn to cope in difficult times. Be willing and open to change. Know this too shall pass.
    
    
17. Drop your someday syndrome. Take a risk. Begin a new business. Go to a concert. Take a trip. Visit a far away friend or land. Enjoy today what you've been putting off for some day. Life is for living not planning. Suck the marrow out of it. You are responsible for the quality of your life.
    
    
18. Believe you make a difference. It's easy to think the world is falling apart. If it is it's because it will be made into something even better! I currently tutor nine children in reading and writing. These nine children will struggle less in every subject because of my help.  Do what you can to influence what the future holds.
    
    
19. Become physically active. Don't think of it as exercise. Instead have fun riding your bike or hiking with a friend. Invite someone to go swimming or rollerblading. There are so many ways to have fun you won't notice you're exercising.
    
    
20. Choose your friends carefully. Eliminate the energy zappers in your life. As you change you will be drawn to more positive people. In order to make room for the new you need to let go of the old. It will happen naturally as you become a happier person.
    
    
21. Remember you have a choice. Nobody has more control over your life than you. Don't sleep walk through it. When things aren’t going well choose again! Plan happy times for your future. Think of them as life’s coming attractions. Learn to enjoy your own company. You will be with you forever!
    
    
22. Refuse to complain. I tell my clients to stop complaining for 3 weeks. When you catch yourself begin your 3 weeks over again. The purpose of the exercise isn't to never complain again. You're human. The purpose is to become aware of how often you complain and what you complain about.
    
    
23. Educate yourself. What areas of you life do you wish to improve. Find a mentor, read a book, attend a workshop or take an online class. Be willing to get the information and help you need. When you know better you do better.
    
    
24. Focus on where you are going. No matter how difficult life seems today keep putting one foot in front of the other. Eventually you will arrive to a place where you can say, "I'm a positive person."
    
    
25. Be present. Our ego or smaller self tempts us to live in the pain of the past or fear of the future. Remind yourself that in the present moment everything is OK. What ever is happening in your life it’s unfolding exactly as it should. In this moment all is well. Each time you notice your mind wandering bring it back to the present moment. This will become a way of live.
    
    
26. Change your mood. Catching yourself in a bad mood is one step. Changing your mood is the second. If you want immediate relief keep a notebook and write down 10 good things in your life. If you make this a habit you'll feel more grateful. You can't be unhappy and grateful at the same time.
    
    
27. Surround yourself with positive people. They will influence every area of your life: the person you become, your income, and your values. They can influence your health, your parenting, your goals and your work. There is a lot of power in that! Don't be afraid to make friends with the best. You may be the one they've been looking for all along.
    
    
28. Enjoy your life. My mom is 89+ years old. I’m one of 10 children and she has 36 grandchildren. I’m not sure of the number of great grandchildren! She finished 6th grade. She never learned to drive a car. She loved to cook, spend time in her flower garden and baby sit her grandchildren and great grandchildren. She complained very little and taught us to look on the bright side. She also taught me how to be happy and enjoy life. From her I learned my positive attitude. I'm forever grateful.

 

(Note: If these 28 tips seem impossible, you may struggle with depression. It’s important you don’t beat yourself up. Instead look into getting professional help.)

If you enjoyed Tess's post, check out her site The Bold Life. You'll love what you find there! Her words and articles are always inspirational and uplifting. You can also find Tess on Twitter @TheBoldLife.

What do you do to stay positive?
How has your positive attitude affected your life?

guest post: could losing your job be the best thing?

(♥)
 

As a reminder, I'm on a business trip (oh what fun!) until January 18th. In the meantime, I have some great guest posts to share with you... The following post was written by Allison Maslan, author, life and career coach, homeopathic physician, and international speaker. Allison is the president of The Blast Off Life and Business Coaching. You can find more about Allison and what she does by checking out myblastoff.com. 

You have heard the story many times. What seems to be a tragedy, such as in an illness, job loss or  divorce ends up turning to triumph when the person ends up making drastic positive changes through their forced set of circumstances. Many have found themselves jobless in these trying times, frightened and wondering what to do next. The interesting twist is that a large percentage of those laid off have often said that they did not "love" their job. The job has represented security, which is of prime importance, however, in many cases, their work was not completely satisfying or fulfilling. In fact, a study prior to this economic downturn showed that 87% of people polled disliked their jobs. Since we spend approximately 75,000 hours at work from age 25 to 65, this seems to be an even sadder circumstance than a difficult job market.

Connie Delonge, president of Breakthrough Grief Recovery, wanted to start her own business for  a very long time, but was afraid to take the leap and leave her job. She had been in the mortgage business for years for financial reason’s only. "It is very stressful work and even though I am good at it, it was never very fulfilling for me."  Connie’s true passion has been grief recovery support which she had been doing for years on a volunteer basis through Horizon Hospice of Poway, California.

"This economy forced me to find a new way to pay the bills. My gut was telling me that at this point in my life, I could no longer work at a job that was unsatisfying. Life is too short to not go after your dreams.  My life coach, Allison Maslan, helped me move past my fear of becoming an entrepreneur, and then supported me in laying out a step-by-step strategic plan to create my own grief counseling business. I have not been this excited about my life in years."

Connie is just one example of many individuals that are taking advantage of a challenging time and turning it into an opportunity to take the entrepreneurial leap. Slowdowns don’t have to be roadblocks to starting new businesses, experts say.

It might seem counter-intuitive to start a new business when the economy is flailing, but a recession can actually be the ideal time for launching a new enterprise. In fact, many well-known and successful organizations were born during hard times because it is often easier to start a new company than find the right job during a recession.

Here are some examples of companies that laid the groundwork of their enterprise during tougher economic times. Hyatt Corporation opened its first hotel’s doors at the Los Angeles International Airport during the Eisenhower recession (1957 to 1958). Bill Gates and Paul Allen launched Microsoft during the recession in 1975. CNN started its humble beginnings as a little-known station called The Cable Network News during the 1980 recession. The Fortune 500 is full of companies that were founded during down times: from Johnson and Johnson, to Disney, Cisco, and Intel.

Prerna O’hara, president of Your Company Concierge has been working with the Blast Off Program over the past several to months develop her dream business. She was also employed as the Concierge/Patient Liason for a San Diego medical and day spa. When they let her go due to the down economy, it was the perfect excuse for Prerna to speed up the pace of her new business launch. She is taking the expertise she offered her employer and putting it to work for herself.

"I may have taken longer to get my business up and running, so losing my job has actually motivated me to open for business now. As Allison has said, poverty is a great motivator and failure is not an option! I have had so much fun putting all of this together. I am so passionate about my new business and I am dedicated to making it work."

A recession can offer many advantages to a budding entrepreneur including, lower rents, better deals with suppliers, and employees are often willing to start in for less. Often the worst of times can end up being an opportunity for the best of times, just as turning lemons into lemonade could be your most profitable and satisfying venture. If you have a vision, go for it. It is never going to be the perfect time to go after your dreams. But if you don’t do it now, years could pass and you may find yourself saying, "Why didn’t I?"

Allison Maslan, HHP, CCH has been an entrepreneur for the past 25 years and has a vibrant array of nine successful businesses to her credit. She is an author, life and career coach, homeopathic physician and international speaker. Allison is the president of The Blast Off Life and Business Coaching. Through her years of working with thousands of clients on a one-on-one basis, she has come to understand how and why human beings create their own personal limits in every aspect of their lives. Her Blast Off One-on-One Coaching Program and Blastation Interactive Life Coaching Software help people tap into their passions, learn to release their self-limiting roadblocks, and guides them through a step-by-step flight plan for success and fulfillment in all areas of life. Check out Allison's site at www.myblastoff.com. 

knowing weakness, showing strength

I can honestly say that few people know me as well as my long-time friend, Blair. Having spent over ten years as classmates and locker-mates and roommates and friends, Blair has seen so many different sides of me. It's rare, in life, that we spend time with someone in so many different situations. She has seen me as a high school student, as a college student. She's seen me at prom and out on a Friday night at a college bar. She's seen me as an gawky freshman and the 26-year-old I am today. She's seen me up and down, the way I am now and the way I used to be. Having lived with me for three years in college, she's seen the many shades of me -- happy, miserable, silly, studious, in love, brokenhearted, excited, bored, up, down, living and nearly dead. She's seen me through every single relationship I've ever had (crazy, isn't it?). She's been near (a few steps away in the bedroom across the hall) and she's been far away (a country apart). She's seen me make new friends, fall in love with new boys, and she's seen things come crashing down when relationships and friendships have fallen apart. She has -- in a way that no one else has -- seen it all when it comes to me. 

There's one night I often think of when I reflect on the way I used to be, the way I was when I was living across the hall from Blair. That night I was in my room, door locked, and I couldn't stop sobbing. It was one of those moments when I literally felt like my heart, my whole self, was breaking. (Of course now, whatever had seemed so urgent, so important, then has faded from my memory and I have no idea what that particular sob session was about.) I remember hearing Blair come up the stairs. I remember hearing the pause outside my door. "Are you okay?" Blair had said with the perfect amount of concern in her voice. She is so great at that -- at caring but not prying. Though I'd just mumbled that I was fine and quieted my crying that night, for whatever reason that moment always stands out in my mind as an example of Blair as a friend -- always there, outside the door; she is there for me, but not pushing her way in and prying the way some would. 

Blair has seen me at some of my lowest points. She knows almost all of my mistakes. She knows the things I don't tell others, the moments I keep filed in drawers way in the back of my mind. When I think about how much Blair knows, how much she has seen of me, I feel a mixture of embarrassment and awe. I also feel a slight sense of panic when I think about someone knowing that much about me. But then I remember: It's Blair. And Blair has known me since the very first day of high school. Blair has known me for 12 years, since I was a scrawny, awkward 14-year-old, and never once has she done a single thing that would make me doubt her as a friend. She is one of the few people I always have -- and always will -- trust. 

After I wrote those words, I realized just how amazing that is -- and how inspiring. I've had a lot of friends throughout my life and, as often happens, I've had conflicts and fights and drifting apart. I've had the loss of friendship, the breaking of trust, the crumbling of common interests. Losing a friend is honestly one of the hardest things I've ever been through (anyone who has experienced this will know exactly what I mean when I say that). So when I think about how I have this friend -- this great friend -- who has been with me through all of the ups and downs over the past 12 years, I find myself sitting here open-mouthed in awe. It's literally awesome that I've been lucky enough to have someone who has been such an amazing friend to me -- especially during those self-absorbed years that I'm sure I wasn't keeping up my half of the friendship bargain. 

The quote above says, "A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows your strengths." That quote could have been written about Blair. She knows all of my bad sides -- my brattiness, my bad habits, my rarely seen stubborn side, my inclination toward self-centeredness -- but she never focuses on those things. No, she always, always focuses on my strengths. She is one of a handful of people who has supported and encouraged me for years. I can think of countless incidents when she praised my work or made a statement claiming she knew I would someday be a successful writer. In fact, the only times I've ever had tears fill my eyes when it comes to Blair were the times when she sent an email or a wrote a message about how much she admired my abilities as a writer. Just thinking about it now, my heart fills with happiness. There are those who have made comments here and there about my strengths (and, of course, there is always my ever-supportive family), but Blair is one of the few who knew, I think before I ever did, that I would be a writer. I always wanted it, but Blair believed it. 

Having a friend that focuses on your strengths instead of your weaknesses is priceless. When I think back on all of those years -- those critical years of development in high school and in college -- and I think about how I had this wonderful, supportive friend who I could tell everything and anything to, I feel so incredibly grateful. I'm not always that great at expressing myself physically (hugging isn't really my thing), but I like to believe that sometimes my written words can convey things  my body and voice cannot. If I were to make these words into an action, it would be a big, huge, bear-like hug for Blair -- or maybe 12 hugs. A hug for every year she was there for me. If I were to give Blair 12 hugs (don't worry, B, I'll spare you from that in real life), they would symbolize... 
 

... every time she listened and never criticized. 

... every time she saw me make a mistake and never judged. 

... every time she encouraged and supported me. 

... every time she showed me my strengths (which sometimes I couldn't see). 

... every time she gave me much-needed advice (and didn't judge when I ignored it). 

... every time she asked how I was and really listened.

... every time she told me the honest truth (even when it was hard). 

... every time she could have told my secrets but didn't. 

... every time she helped me mend a broken heart (all of those great cards!). 

... every time she gave me the benefit of the doubt. 

... every time she attempted to lift my sagging spirits. 

... every time she didn't ask the questions I didn't want to answer. 

Though she may not know it, Blair is the type of person that inspires other people to be better. When I think about it now, I realize how much of a role model she has been for me. As I was changing, as I was becoming the kind of person I wanted to be, I realize now that I was becoming more like one of my best friends. She is wise and caring and loyal and thoughtful and generous. She is a great listener, a super secret-keeper, and the kind of person you want to have in your corner. She is so many things I want to be -- things I think I am finally becoming. Whether she knows it or not (after this post I assume she will... and I know she will be reading it because she is one of the biggest supporters of Positively Present!), she is an inspiration for me. Through the years, through her patient, nonjudgmental moments of listening to me, through her excited, encouraging moments of motivation, she has made me a better person. Thank you, Blair, for everything you don't even know you've done for me. Thank you, Blair, for being such an amazing friend. Happy birthday! 

Do you have an amazing friend like Blair? 
If you could write to him/her right now, what would you say? 

  

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