Why You Need Lower Expectations

 

Expectation

 

Now that I've started making my own YouTube videos, I've been spending even more time than normal watching online videos, and last week I stumbled across Jenna Marbles' "Why Low Expectations Are Good." At first I thought it sounded a tad negative -- after all, shouldn't we set high expectations? But as I watched, I realized she made some pretty amazing and thought-provoking points about expectations.

"Having no or low expectations is one of the most powerful things you can do -- if you can use it to your advantage," Jenna says, and, as I watched the video and listened to her talk about goals, expectations, and relationships, I realized just how right she is. Having low expectations might sound like a bad thing, as if you're settling for less than you deserve or willing to put up with others' (or your own) bad behavior, but it's actually one of the very best ways to stay positively present. 

 

LOW EXPECTATIONS + WORK

In the video, Jenna says, "There's a difference between goals, standards, and expectations. You can set any amount of goals you want, as high as you want, and you can work hard to achieve those goals. Your expectation of that outcome of that work and whatever you're working towards needs to be low or none whatsoever. Working hard toward your goals while having no expectation of what the outcome of that might be allows you to live your life completely without fear of failure." 

When you set a goal or start a project, it's actually a good idea to have low expectations. This doesn't mean that you don't want it to work out or you won't work hard toward your goal. It simply means you won't be focusing excessively on the outcome. Not focusing so much on the future will give you the freedom to be completely in the present moment. When you're in the present, you're less fearful and you're willing to take the (calculated) risks that often lead to great success. 

"As long as you're working hard and applying yourself the best you can," Jenna says, "you have no control over what happens in the end. The only thing you have control over is what you have control over." When it comes to work, you have to just do the best you can and let go of what you think the outcome should be, and the only way you can do it that is by releasing all expectations. 

 

LOW EXPECTATIONS + RELATIONSHIPS

It might seem like low expectations are exactly what you don't want when it comes to relationships, but, as Jenna notes (and I've also personally found to be true and wrote about in this article), expectations often get in the way of our relationships. We should, of course, have standards. We should know what we'd like in a partner or friend, and we should never tolerate mistreatment or abuse. But standards -- the required levels of quality we want in our relationships -- are different from expectations -- the beliefs that something will (or should) happen in the future. 

Again, this goes back to staying present. When we don't focus on expectations, we are in the moment. We can focus on what's happening now and determine if our current relationship is what we want. On the flip side, if we're spending tons of time expecting things from others (or feeling let down when they don't meet our expectations), we're not living in the moment. We're focused on the future or the past, and that can really hold us back from enjoying, and mindfully interacting with, others.

This can be especially important when it comes to meeting new people. I really love Jenna's magpie analogy for new relationships:    

Meeting new people and starting new relationships is a lot like being a magpie, the bird that likes shiny things. You're flying around, looking for some shiny things. Ooh, shiny thing! So you go down there. Oh. It's a bottle cap. Okay, that's cool. I'm gonna just keep flying around, looking for shiny things. Oh! What did I find? Kim Kardashian's engagement ring. It's beautiful. It's a diamond. I really like it. Sometimes I find I find crap... but does that mean I can't find a diamond? No! I'm a magpie! I'm gonna look for more shiny things.

The people that you meet in your life are shiny things. Treat them all like shiny things. Then use your little bird claws and bird beak and bird brain to figure out if they're a diamond or a bottle cap. Then you can decide which ones you want to take into your nest.

You don't need to be disappointed by people if you have no expectations of them. When you meet someone, you don't even know them. They could be a bottle cap. They could be the foil that wrapped up a hotdog. Or, they could be a really cool diamond. You don't know until you use your little bird mouth and figure out what it is. 

Of course it's difficult not to have expectations of people when you first meet them. You've got a lifetime of experiences with other people tucked in your mind and, as humans, we try to figure people out quickly using whatever knowledge we have so we can assess whether they're friend or foe. But going into every new relationship you have with no expectations is one of the best ways to create new, positive relationships -- and to not be disappointed by the ones that don't work out. 

 

LOW EXPECTATIONS + BIG EVENTS

When when it comes to big events -- weddings, birthdays, holidays, etc. -- expectations often take the wheel and drive us directly to Disappointmentville. Have you ever reflected back on a special day (your birthday or a holiday, maybe) and felt let down when the day was over, even if it was a perfectly great day? There's a difference between feeling sad that the big day is over and feeling disappointed because, even if all went according to plan, it didn't quite live up to your expectations. 

Guess what? No day, no matter how wonderful, will ever live up to the picture-perfect moments in your mind. Reality is never as wonderful as imagination. (Yes, that sounds negative, but it's true!). When you experience disappointment after a perfect-on-paper day, those feelings are a side effect of expectations literally stealing your joy. 

When you go into something with super high expectations, it will never live up to what you imagined, no matter how great it is. That's why it's a great idea to take this advice from Jenna:

Every birthday that you have, assume that you're going to lay on your couch and watch Netflix. Everything that you do that's better than that is really exciting and great. And you're grateful and you're happy and everything's wonderful. 

If you want to have an amazing experience, set your expectation level to zero. That way, whatever happens will be absolutely amazing and wonderful. And anything that doesn't go perfectly according to plan will be no big deal because you had no expectation that it would go any other way than the way it's going. Low expectations = absolute acceptance = more opportunities for joy. 

 

LOW EXPECTATIONS + SELF LOVE

Having low expectations for yourself  is actually an important act of self-love. It opens you up to new experiences, new ways of thinking, and the opportunity to truly and honestly love who you are -- no matter what. Jenna explains the limits of expectations perfectly when she says,

When you have certain expectations for yourself, you limit your choices. And you limit what you can do in your life by what you've already set as what you want. People get stuck in their thinking and they refuse to see all of the options beside them because they're stuck in their expectations of their life. If I do X, I'll get Y, when, in reality, if you do X, you could get any other letter in the alphabet -- including X again!

Life is crazy. It's filled with ups and downs, and tons of surprises. When it comes to how you think about yourself and the expectations you have, you need to have high standards, aim for positive goals, but let the expectations go. Expectations are limitations. When you're open to being someone other than what you think you're supposed to be (either because you believe it or because someone else / society told you to believe it), your the possibilities for your life -- and who you are -- become endless. As Jenna says, "Be open and don't have this concrete path in your life because you'll miss all the opportunities to be a different, better you."

 

If you want to watch the full video, you'll find it below. Or you can click here to watch it on YouTube. 

 

 

 

 

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should you stay or go? : 5 questions to help you choose

  Stay

Should you stay or should you go? Whether it's leaving a job, a romantic relationship, or a friendship -- the decision to stay where you are or make a change can be incredibly daunting, particularly if there's no urgent reason to leave (i.e., if you're not being treated badly and you don't absolutely have to get out of the situation). Just because there's no dire need to escape a situation doesn't mean you should necessarily stay put if you're unhappy. After all, the time we have here is limited, and spending in situations (or with people) that are just okay, fine, or average isn't any way to live a positive, fulfilled, and happy life. 

The stay-or-go question is something most of us will face at some point in our lives (if we haven't already!). Unless there is some clear indicator that something must change (i.e., abuse, profound misery, etc.), actually making such a choice can be incredibly difficult. So difficult, in fact, that many of us will default to staying where we are, even if we're unhappy, simply because it's easier than making a decision. 

 

But... do you really want to stay just because it might be difficult to go?

 

No, you don't. You should want to stay because it's worth it, because, even if there are difficult times, you get something meaningful and important out of your job / relationship / etc. You don't want to stay where you are simply because it's the default answer. And, honestly, no one else -- not your boss, your spouse, your friend -- really wants to you stay simply because it's challenging to leave (and, if they do, they don't truly have your best interest at heart and who wants to work with / date / love someone like that?). When you're staying just because it's easy or because you fear what will happen if you leave, you're not fully invested in the situation. You'll always have one eye on the door, hoping something or someone will propel you to make a change. When "stay" is the default, you're not there because you want to be, but because you feel you have no other good option. And that lack-of-choice feeling can turn quickly into disinterest, distain, and even resentment -- all of which will negatively taint the situation and likely other aspects of your life, since rarely is one area of life (love, work, etc.) not influenced (for better or worse...) by another. 

So what do you do if you find yourself in a place where you're wondering whether or not to stay? What do you do if your situation is fine, but still causing you to be unhappy? What if your relationship has changed to the point where you no longer recognize yourself (or your partner)? What if you've grown so uncomfortable at your place of work that you dread going there every day? What if you just feel like there's something off about your situation and you don't know if it will somehow right itself or if, in order for you to be truly fulfilled, you need to leave? 

If you find yourself wondering any of the things above or whether you should stay where you are or go somewhere else, before you take action, you need to do a bit of soul-searching. Every choice you make -- particularly the big ones involving your career and your relationships -- can change the course of your life forever. I don't say this to scare you (the worst thing you can do is become so scared that your fear is paralyzing and you make no choice at all!). I say this because, when it comes to big stay-or-go decisions, it's important to take time to really think about what's going on, what you want, and how you feel you can get from where you are to where you'd ideally like to be. 

No choice will ever be without flaws. For every choice you make, even if both options are great, there will be pros and cons. Just think about choosing between two ice cream flavors that you love. Yes, both might be delicious, but if you choose strawberry over chocolate, you're missing out on that cocoa flavor. Likewise, if you opt for chocolate, you won't get to taste the tangy sweetness of strawberry. Neither option is bad, but when you choose one, you're going to miss out on the other. Which is why, when it comes to stay-or-go scenarios, it's essential to take time to carefully think through your options, weigh the pros and cons, and also be willing to think outside the box a bit. Here are five questions to kickstart that kind of thinking if you find yourself wondering, Should I stay or should I go...?

 

Stay or Go

Download the Stay or Go Worksheet!

 

QUESTION 1:

How much of your unhappiness is caused by a specific person / job / situation / etc.?


It's all too easy to say "I'm miserable because my job sucks" or "I'm so unhappy because my spouse drives me crazy," but it's important not to make assumptions about the reasons behind your mental state. When you find yourself complaining about your situation, dig deeper and ask yourself if it's really that person, job, or situation that's bringing you down. For example, if you're unhappy with your spouse, are you absolutely certain that your spouse specifically is the reason you're unhappy? Or could it be the situation you and your spouse are currently in (maybe you just had a baby or s/he is going through a tough time at work)?

Or, looking even deeper, is it possible that your sense of unhappiness comes not from another person but from something deeper, something harder to pinpoint so you point fingers instead of looking at the big? It's essential to figure out if your unhappiness is more general. Take, for example, me and my career. Whenever I worked in an office environment, with a typical 9-5 workday, I was miserable. I would complain about the job itself and spend evenings crying at the thought of returning to work the next day. I was clearly unhappy, but that unhappiness wasn't a result of the particular position. It was the general workplace environment that caused my emotional strife. 

If you're struggling with a particular person or situation, consider how much of your unhappiness is tied to that person / place and consider whether that type of environment is even something you want in the future. If you're unhappy at work, do you need an entirely new career path? If you're unhappy with your partner, is it because of him/her, or are the confines of a relationship in general the thing that's truly troubling you? 

 

QUESTION 2:

Are you contributing negatively to the situation? Would changing yourself change things?  


After contemplating whether the situation or person is, in fact, the true cause of your unhappiness, it's time to turn your attention to yourself. Are you, in any way, contributing to your own unhappiness in the situation? Answering this question might take some careful consideration. It's very tempting to say, "Of course I'm not! She's the one who is always so negative in our relationship!" or "Definitely not. My boss is the absolute worst; I'm not doing anything to make the situation unpleasant. It's all him!" But take a moment to really consider all aspects of the situation, including your contribution to it. 

If, for example, you're struggling to live pleasantly with your spouse, ask yourself if perhaps you might be difficult to live with. Or, if it's your work environment that's troubling, consider how you might, in some ways, be challenging to work around. We all have our flaws and, when it comes to answering the stay-or-go question, it's important to take these into account. This isn't to say that you should stay in a bad situation simply because you're not perfect, but it's important to consider all aspects of yourself before making any major decisions. 

In conjunction with considering your own contributions to the situation, it's useful to ponder what might happen if you were to change certain behaviors. If, for example, you're always fighting with your spouse because he expects you to keep things neat and tidy and you tend to be more of a set-it-anywhere type, consider what might happen if you tweaked your own behavior and started making an organization a priority. This isn't to say you should change who you are to fix a situation (this can lead to resentment if it's not something you truly want to change), but when it comes to workplace, relationships, and love (or really any situation involving other people!) sometimes compromises must be made. The key to compromising effectively is making sure the pros and cons balance out. Yes, keeping your home tidy might be a bit of a pain for you, but the effort might be balanced out by having a more harmonious relationship with your spouse. Sometimes changing your behavior or attitude won't change the situation at all, but it's definitely something to consider. 

 

QUESTION 3: 

What about your situation don't you like? Would you find these things elsewhere? 


In Question 1, you determined that, yes, the great deal of discontent you're experiencing is directly a result of that person/job/situation. (If you didn't determine that, it might be a sign that you shouldn't leave the situation but, instead, should do some inner exploration to find out where the feelings of discontent are coming from.) You've determined the source of unhappiness -- the situation or person -- but now it's time to dig even deeper and pinpoint exactly what you don't like about this situation. 

A good way to go about this is to keep track on the worksheet (click the link above to download it) or keep a list of reasons why you feel unhappy in the situation. (Tip: keep this private!) You can note very specific instances, such as, "I want to leave this job because I can't stand the way my colleagues gossiped at the meeting yesterday," or more general experiences, such as,"I want to leave her because there is a lack of intimacy." Spend time on this, giving yourself a week or so to note specific and general experiences that make you feel like you might want to leave the situation. 

Once you have a list of the things you don't like about your situation, look closely at them. Are these things that would be present in another situation? For example, if a decrease in intimacy is your problem, is it possible that this would happen if you were in another relationship for a long time? Or, if you dislike working on projects with a group at work, is it likely you would have to also do this at another job? Remember: a new job, relationship, etc. will always be interesting and exciting at the beginning, but it, too, will lose some of its luster after time. This is why it's so important to look closely at the things you don't like about your situation and determine whether they are result of the particular circumstance or if they might also occur in another situation. No situation is perfect, and if you try to leave every situation as soon as it's lost excitement and newness, you'll spend your whole life searching for a reason to leave. 

 

QUESTION 4:

What do you like about your situation? Would you find these good things elsewhere? 


Now it's time for some positivity! When you're considering whether to stay or go, it can be challenging to focus on the good aspects of the situation. By the time you've gotten around to asking, "Should I leave...?" you're often focusing a great deal of your attention on the reasons why you're unhappy. These reasons might be perfectly valid -- and should not be ignored -- but what about the good aspects of the situation? It's just as important to take those into account when making your decision. 

Let's say you've come with tons of reasons why you want to leave your job. Now it's time to make another list -- a list of reasons why your job is actually not so terrible. On this list you might include things like health care benefits or a steady income or even something silly like occasional catered lunches. If you're considering whether to leave a relationship, now is the time to consider your partner's good traits. What do you like about him/her? What attracted you to the relationship in the first place? What do you two not fight about?

After you've considered the positive elements of your situation, it's time to contemplate how likely it is that you'll find these things in another person/job. Yes, another relationship might have more intimacy, but will it also have the meaningful conversations? A new job might have a kinder boss, but will the benefits be the same? Of course, you don't know what the future will hold -- or what pros/cons you'll find in another situation -- but you it's important to assess how much you value what you're currently getting out of your situation and weigh the positives against the negatives you identified in Question 3.  

 

QUESTION 5:

How can you communicate your feelings? What reaction do you receive when you do? 


This final question is the most important. People often leave situations because they feel unloved, unappreciated, or unheard. But there's a difference between feeling unheard after you've spoken up and expecting someone else to know what you want and need. Communication is key. Whether it's talking to your boss, friend, spouse, or partner, if you want things to be different, you have to talk about it. This can be very difficult (particularly if it's around sensitive subjects like sex or money), but communicating your feelings is the quickest ways to determine if there's a good reason to stay or to leave.

The key to communicating effectively is to be open, honest, and focus on sharing how you feel without making assumptions about another's feelings or assigning blame. Two tips for doing this: (1) write down what you want to discuss and bring your notes with you, and (2) focus on the word "I" more than "you," as in, "I feel hurt when you..." not "You're always doing..." Being completely honest with someone, whether it's a boss, friend, or partner, is much more difficult than it sounds, but if there's a doubt in your mind about whether or not you should leave a situation, you'll be much more certain about your decision if you share your feelings with 100% honesty (even if it feels a bit uncomfortable!). 

Open, honest communication will not only give you and others an opportunity to see if there's a way to fix the situation (maybe your boss had no idea you felt you weren't being valued!), but opening up and sharing your feelings is an excellent way to get more insight on others, possibly making your decision even easier. The way others react to you -- listening, helping to problem-solve, shutting you out, making unkept promises to change, etc. -- will tell you a great deal about them and about how they handle conflict. It might also shine a light on how they feel about the situation. If, for example, your boss or partner makes no effort to help improve the situation, that's a sure sign that they don't value you and you would be better off in a different situation. Pay close attention to how others respond and take those reactions into account as you make your decision. 

 

In most situations, the decision to stay or go is not an easy one -- which is why so many just stay where they are, rather than doing the hard work of determining if that's really where they're meant to be -- but if you truly want to live a positive, present life, it's important to be accountable for yourself and where you are. It's important to get (and stay) in situations because you want to be there, not because you feel like you have no other choice.

No matter how difficult it is (and sometimes it will be very difficult), you always have a choice to stay where you are or move on to something else. Don't take this ability to to choose for granted. Spend time assessing what choice is best for you, make use of the worksheet above, and then choose the path feels right. Whether you end up staying or going, if you do the work before you make a decision, you'll always know that you actively made a choice. Remember: this is your life, and you have the power to choose how you want to live it. 

 

 

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reader request : is forgiving a skill or a choice?

Forgiveness

 

Note: The following article is based on a request from a reader. If there's a topic you'd like me to write about, feel free to email me here, leave a message in the comments, or reach out to my via Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, or Instagram.

 

A few weeks back, I received a request from a reader asking me to write about whether I think forgiveness is a skill or a choice. It was perfect timing for me to receive this request because I happened to be struggling to wrap my head around the topic of forgiveness myself. Someone had hurt me quite unexpectedly, and the pain was making it difficult for me to let go of negative feelings and actually forgive. So, when I received this request in my in-box, I couldn't believe the timing. It was just the topic I needed to be thinking about, and the more I pondered the question, the more I realized: forgiveness is both a choice and a skill. 

In order to forgive, you have to actively choose it. (Which can be hard, I know!) And to become good a forgiveness you have to practice it, the way you would any other skill. If you're lucky, you won't have a lot of opportunities to practice, but most of us do encounter quite a few situations in which we can practice forgiving others. Whether it's forgiving someone who has cut you off in traffic or forgiving someone who has caused your heart to break, opportunities for choosing forgiveness are likely to crop up often. 

For some, forgiveness comes easily. They're all too happy to let go of the ways others have hurt them -- and this is a great skill to possess. For others (ahem, most of us), forgiveness is tricky. It's hard, sometimes, not to let being hurt or offended impact the way you think about and interact with others. It's hard not to let these pains (both big and small) influence your own mindset. But, as I've written about before, forgiveness is freedom. The more easily you forgive others, the more positive your life will be. (Keep in mind that forgiving others isn't the same as condoning their behavior. You can forgive while still believing the other person is wrong. You can forgive someone you never want to speak to again.) 

Though forgiveness is one of the surest paths to emotional freedom, it's often a difficult trek to make, which is why it requires both the act of choosing to forgive and the art of mastering forgiveness as a skill. Both of these can be challenging, the the skill part can be extra tricky. Saying you're going to choose to forgive is one thing -- actually putting it into practice is something else entirely. 

I believe there are four considerations when it comes to practicing forgiveness, and I'll outline them in a bit more detail below. Understanding and considering these four things can make practicing forgiveness a lot easier.  

 

  1. CONSIDER WHAT UPSET YOU. 

    First and foremost, it's important to consider what actually upset you. Focus on why exactly you're hurt. Try your best not to bring in anything else into this consideration. For example, if you're angry about something your partner did, focus only on that specific incident (not on all the times s/he has upset you). Don't bring in past grudges or your own personal baggage (e.g., the way that your last partner did the same anger-inducing thing). Narrowing in on exactly what has hurt you will allow you to assess why exactly you're hurting, if there's anything the other person can do to right the wrong, and will give you information you might need for avoiding similar situations in the future. 


  2. CONSIDER THE OTHER PERSON. 

    After considering the specifics of the situation, it's time to turn your focus to the person (or people) who has hurt you. Try, as best you can, to put yourself in his/her shoes. Is it possible that the pain caused was unintentional? Is it possible that the other person might believe he/she is doing the right thing or making the situation better in some way? Is there a chance that someone else might be trying to help you? Or that s/he might be dealing with his/her own pain? Sometimes the answers these questions will be no (and that's okay), but quite often we'll find that someone else isn't intentionally trying to hurt us, which can make it easier to forgive them. 


  3. CONSIDER YOUR OWN POSITION. 

    Once you've closely looked at the situation and the person who has hurt you, it's time to turn your gaze inward and consider where you're coming from. Why are you so hurt by this situation? Is it really about this or is something else impacting how you feel? (For example, let's say you're upset with your spouse for not following through but you're doubly irritated at him/her because you just had a really bad day at work.) This is not to say that someone else's actions are your fault, but it's merely an encouragement to look at where you're coming from. What's happened in the past that's impacting how you feel now? What's going on in the present that might be influencing the situation? These facts are not meant to condone another's behavior, but to help you see the bigger picture and how interconnected everything is. 


  4. CONSIDER THE FUTURE. 

    After taking the situation, others, and yourself into consideration, now it's time to consider what is going to make this situation better for you (and for others). Will holding on to anger and unhappiness make your world a better place? Will clinging to the past improve your present and future? The answer to these questions is definitely no. No matter what the situation, holding on to anger, disgust, or any other unpleasant feelings will not make your world a better place. It will only hurt your heart more and make it more difficult for you to live a positive, present life. Even if someone has treated you terribly, forgiving them will only help you. Choosing not to forgive will only continue to cause you pain in the future (and who wants that?!). 

 

These four considerations can really aid in the art of forgiveness. However, like developing any skill, mastering forgiveness takes time and effort. Don't give up on it, even when it's hard. Believe me, I know from experience that forgiving is always better than holding on to a grudge. It may seem nearly impossible to forgive, especially if someone has hurt you (or someone you love) deeply, but the more you practice forgiveness, the more freedom you'll experience. And remember: the act of forgiving is something that frees you, not the person who hurt you. You have everything to gain by forgiving and nothing to lose.  

 

Loving-Your-Self

Forgiving others (and yourself!) is an amazing act of self-love. Want to empower yourself with some more serious self-love and acceptance? Start loving yourself (or increase the love you already have for yourself!) with the inspiration and motivation found in Loving Your Self: An Empowering Workbook for Increasing Self-LoveFilled with uplifting encouragement, thought-provoking questions, and engaging exercises, Loving Your Self is an essential tool for mastering the art of self-love. Learn more about the workbook here and purchase your own copy here.