5 Ways to Fight Hate (Right Where You Are!)



In recent decades, we've seen some wonderful, positive progress in our world in terms of tolerance and inclusion, but we've yet to rid ourselves of the terrible ailment of hate. It is still pervasive in society, especially here in America, and it is causing pain and heartache every single day. Hate is not an inherent human trait. It's not something we're born with. It's something we learn. As Nelson Mandela famously said,

No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin or his background or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love. For love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.

If you're reading this, you're probably the kind of person who's pro-love, anti-hate, but rejecting hate in your mind (or even online) is not the same as actually fighting it. This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. When I see some of these horrible situations on the news, my first thought is, This is terrible. This needs to stop! And then, from the safe and privileged position in which I was lucky enough to be born, I feel the inevitable resignation and shame that comes with my next thoughts: But what can someone like me do? Can someone like me even make a difference? 

Online, I see thousands of people condemning acts of hate, but few offering advice or guidance on how to make it stop. Lots of anger and shock (really? how is anyone surprised by anything at this point?) and sympathy swell in my social media feeds, but much of what I read is, in fact, hate-filled, rhetoric that simply turns the hate back on the hateful. And, as much as I understand instinct of outrage, I can't help but think of the wise words of Martin Luther King, Jr.: 

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

It's easy to hate those who are hateful, who are committing heinous acts, but, in doing so, it's only hate that wins. I want to do better than simply condemning acts of hate. I want to help change things. But it's difficult to even know where to begin, to know what's effective for change. I sometimes see those in the most vulnerable communities, those most impacted by acts of hate, saying not to ask them for advice on what to do. I completely get where they're coming from — it's not the job of the oppressed to tell everyone else how to help them — but this leaves those of us who (I'll be perfectly frank here) could ignore a great deal of this and get along just fine at a loss for what to do. 

Here's the honest truth: I want to help in a real way, but I don't know how. I want to ask, but I'm fearful of being shamed or blamed or ridiculed because I've seen it happen to others. I could certainly handle the minor discomfort of being dismissed, but then I'd be right back where I started: uncertain of what to do. So, like any good millennial, I turned to the internet for answers. Unsurprisingly, I found a lot of what you'd expect: attend a rally, start an anti-hate group, volunteer at a local organization, etc. All of these are great ideas, but what if those options aren't available to you. What if you're too anxious to attend a rally? What if you're physically unable to march? What if you have zero organizations nearby at which you could volunteer? Does that mean you can't help? 

Extroverted activities are wonderful and can lead to positive change, but you don't have to be marching in DC or volunteering at the ACLU to make a difference. There are a lot of things you can do right where you are, wherever you are. Here are some of the best ways I've found to fight hate, regardless of where you are or what your capabilities are: 



Even if you're just one voice in a sea of many, that voice matters. The more people who condemn acts of hatred (even if the only thing you do is retweet someone else's words or share something on Facebook), the better. You might think that you don't have a big audience or you're not in a position to comment on a specific incident or it's not really your business to get involved, but hate — whether its occurring in your home town or across the world — is wrong, and if you're a human living on the same planet as all of these other humans, you have a right (and a duty) to speak out against it. (Reminder: you can speak out against hate without being hateful, which is something a lot of people don't seem to be very good at!) Speak out on social media. Talk to people you know (especially people you disagree with!). If you're not sure where to start, check out How to Share Your Beliefs (Even with People Who Don't Agree)



Tolerance isn't just about accepting people of a different race or religious background. Tolerance can begin in small doses, in tiny little shifts in your mind. Look around you at all of the various people in your life, and do what you can to be more tolerant of them. No, this won't lead to major sociological changes, but if everyone made an effort to be more tolerant of other people, of the differences and all the little things that can drive you crazy, that tolerance will spread to bigger things. Remember: you weren't born disliking certain traits or habits, but you've grown to dislike them and you most likely reinforce those beliefs by thinking, Ugh, I hate it when [insert name] does [insert annoying activity]. This isn't to say you have to love everything everyone does, but practice being tolerant of it. (Side note: practicing tolerance does not mean tolerating hateful speech or actions.)



It's so tempting to stay in your bubble (particularly if you're born into a nice, safe one), but one of the reasons hate blooms is when we encounter others who don't hold the same beliefs we do. If you're really passionate about something (like, say, equality) and someone else challenges that beliefs (like, say, Nazi-flag-waving white supremacists), it's challenging not to feel enraged or even hateful. But, if we really want to get out of a hate-fueled cycle, we have to step out of ourselves and look for the big picture. We're all human. We're all here. Right now, there are so many reasons to feel disconnected, to feel as if there are sides to be chosen, but, hard as it is to recall sometimes: we're much more alike than we are different. We're all struggling to make the most of whatever we have, to do what we believe is right. (Another reminder: anger doesn't have to equal hate.)



Honestly, it might seem overly simplistic, but I believe if everyone in the world loved him or herself, the world would be a much more peaceful place. I keep reading about the notion that "peace starts with you," and, while that's great in theory, it's really difficult to create outer peace via inner peace if you don't love who you are. All hate comes from fear, and most of what we fear has to do with some story we've told ourselves about certain people or situations. It's human nature to be fearful and to avoid things that make us afraid, but one of the great things about being a human is self-awareness. We can become aware of what we're doing and change it. Cultivate self-love is no easy task, but it's essential for finding both inner and outer peace. Dig deep into the things you dislike about yourself, the things you're afraid of, and challenge them. Fear, as you might have heard before, is a liar. Don't let it guide how you see yourself — or the world around you. 



My political M.O. used to be: "politics is a patriarchal, dishonest system and I want zero part in that!" Ah, that old ignorance-is-bliss concept seems so foolish to me now. Political engagement, regardless of where you stand on various issues or people in power, is important. It's one of the greatest ways to affect change. You might be one person, but you can make a difference with your political actions. Reach out to your representatives, to those on the local and state and federal levels, who have access to making major changes. Tell them what matters to you. Tell them how you feel about hate and ask that they stand for the things that will bring more unity, connectedness, and love into our communities. And, of course, when it's time: vote, vote, vote for those people who shut down hate at every chance they get. 


Of course, this is just a small list of things you can do to make a difference. If you have children, you can teach them to value equality and inclusiveness. If you work in an organization with political influence, you can speak to those at the top and urge them to reject hateful acts or policies. If you have the time and ability, you can volunteer or even take a job at an anti-hate organization. If you're loaded with extra cash, you can show your support financially. If you're a march-goer, you can attend rallies and marches in your town. There are countless ways you can make the world a less hateful place, but, as cliche as it is to say, it does start with you. It starts with how you think, how you speak, how you act. You might feel, like I often do, that you're helpless, but you're not. Every single one of us has more power than we realize. And it's completely up to you how you use that power. Choose love and keep choosing it. Again and again and again. 


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Struggling with Self-Love? : 10 Must-Read Reminders



To live your most positive and present life, it's essential that you love who you are. But loving who you are can be quite a challenge at times. Truly conquering self-love is incredibly complex. It’s not just about positive affirmations or breaking up with that guy who treats you like garbage (though those are great starts!). It’s about investigating and assessing every aspect of your life — and continuing to do it all the time, for the rest of your life.

When it comes to self-love, we're all works in progress, so I've rounded up some of my favorite reminders about self-love to keep in mind. If you're struggling to embrace who you are, check these out for some inspiration (or bookmark them for a time you might need them!). 



You might have it pretty good (and if you're alive and reading this, you probably have it better than a lot of people), but just because you're not suffering from the worst thing in the world doesn't mean that your pain isn't valid. Loving yourself means allowing yourself to experience pain without judging yourself. Sure, other people might have it worse, but self-love means giving yourself permission to feel what you feel. (This doesn't mean you should necessarily act on these feelings, but allowing yourself to feel them is an act of self-love). 



We all make good choices and bad choices — that's just part of life. Refusing to accept the bad choices you've made (either through denial or by beating yourself for having made them) isn't a great way to show yourself love. Acceptance of yourself and others is one of the most vital aspects of self-love, and that acceptance includes embrace both the good and the bad choices you've made. The point of making a bad decision isn't to serve as a painful reminder you return to again and again; it's an opportunity to learn and make more positive choices in the future. 



When was the last time you imagined the best thing that could happen? Most of us imagine worst-case scenarios, which is totally human nature. We imagine these things so we can prepare for (and hopefully avoid!) them. But what would it be like if you chose to focus on best-case scenarios? Would you really be less prepared or is that just something you tell yourself? At the very least, you can choose to focus on the best-case scenario in addition to the worst-case possibilities. Your attitude, whether it's positive or negative, impacts the way you think and act, and embracing optimism is a self-loving act.



One thing that all-too-often gets in the way of self-love is making assumptions about what other people are thinking. Even if you know someone else extremely well, you can never know with 100% certainty what s/he is thinking, and making assumptions about what others' intentions are can actually sabotage your own self-love. Assumptions get in the way of relationships with others and those relationships impact the one you have with yourself. Whenever you find yourself assuming what others are thinking, remind yourself that you only know for sure what's in your own head. Creating clear communication with others will make it easier for you to love yourself.  



Everyone gets angry from time to time, and that's perfectly okay (see #1!), but it's so important to keep in mind that your anger stems from a place of fear or pain. Anger is a symptom, not a disease. Knowing this can help you better understand what you're truly feeling. Your knee-jerk reaction if you feel angry is probably to think, "I'm mad!" but a great way to show yourself self-love is to dig a little deeper and find out where that anger stems from. When you do this, you not only gain a better understanding of the current issue you're dealing with, but you also gain a better understanding of yourself. 



Did you know that you can just let things happen? You don't have to analyze everything or worry about what's coming next or anticipate what other people are going to do. In fact, spending too much time prepping for the future (or dwelling on the past...) stands in opposition to self-love. Being present is a challenge, but when you give yourself the freedom to stay in the moment, you're showing yourself a true kindness. It's not easy to shut down a worrying mind, but keep in mind: it's not your job to imagine the future. You deserve to be here, and enjoying, now.  



This probably isn't news to you, but you're not going to like everyone (and not everyone is going to like you). Once you embrace that fact, you release yourself from a lot of unnecessary stress and heartache. So many people spend time trying to like or be liked, instead of realizing that not everyone is meant to be linked to one another. This isn't to say, of course, that you shouldn't treat everyone with kindness and respect, but doing so doesn't mean you have to be BFF with every person you meet. Show yourself self-love by reserving your time and energy for those you care about most. 



"No" isn't a four letter word, contrary to what many people think. Learning that is one of the absolute best acts of self-love. We've all given only so much time here on Earth, and you reserve the right to use that time how you see fit. Every time you say yes to something, you're saying no to something else. And the same goes for the reverse. Every time you say no to something you don't want to do (particularly if it's something that's not good for you!), you're saying yes to yourself. Be mindful of when (and why!) you say yes, and use that self-awareness to make more self-loving choices. 



If you've ever tried to run from your pain, you're probably well aware that this is true. You might be able to run, but if you don't deal with your pain, heartbreak, frustration, anger, or whatever other emotion you're experiencing, it'll come back later (and often in an unexpected and unpleasant way). Dealing with what hurts is one of the most difficult aspects of being human, but facing difficulties head-on is an excellent way to treat yourself with the love you deserve. It'll be painful, for sure, but avoiding it will only amplify the pain. 



You can't control everything that happens to you, but you can control the story you tell yourself about what happens. Everything we experience gets filtered through our minds into a story we tell ourselves. The story is often more important than the actual experience, because it stays with us and impacts future experiences. Our minds are imperfect — memories can be inaccurate, emotions can be heightened, and the facts can be distorted — but we can choose to make the most of whatever information we have, taking lessons from the hard times and embracing the good times. Choosing the story you tell yourself is one of the ways you can show yourself love.  


Self-love doesn't always come easy, no matter how much you strive to make it a priority in your life. If you need some additional inspiration or motivation, check out some of the resources below! 


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Moving?: 5 Steps to Save Your Sanity



While moving can be exciting, it's often pretty stressful. For the past few weeks, I've been helping parents pack for an upcoming move, which included my own mini-move because a lot of things they've been holding on to for me had to find their way into my (tiny!) apartment. Because moving is such a mentally, physically, and emotionally taxing experience (and something most people have to go through at some point!), it seemed like a good time to reflect a little on how to make the most of it. Even if you're not in the midst of moving, check out these tips so you can better prepare for a future move! 



While it's incredibly tempting to throw all your stuff in boxes and worry about it later, the first essential step of moving is decluttering what you have and donating as much of it as you can. Most of us have lots of extra stuff that we don't want, need, or use, and, while it's time-consuming (and sometimes emotionally draining) to get rid of stuff, it's such a great time to do it because then, when you arrive at your new place, you'll only have what you truly need and want. Admittedly, I didn't do the best job of this when I was bringing stuff from my parents' house to my place, and now I'm regretting it because I have a lot of stuff to sort through. Avoid this by asking these questions while packing: Do I really want this? When was the last time I actually looked at / used this? Packing up all the things you no longer need and donating them to a local charity is such a great feeling and eases some of the stress of letting things go. 


STEP 2: 

Unless you're a frequent mover, it might have been awhile since you last moved, and it can be easy to forget all of the packing supplies you might need. If you have a store that specializes in moving (like U-Haul), check out their supplies and ask their employees for advice on how to pack efficiently. They're the experts and they'll likely have all of the supplies you need to make the move as easy as possible. And make sure to get extra supplies if you can. It's incredibly frustrating to be in a packing groove and realize you've run out of the small boxes you need. Most moving supply stores allow returns so it's better to get more and return them rather than run out mid-pack. 



There's a lot to consider when it comes to moving. Everything from all of the addresses you'll need to change to how to pack oddly-shaped items will come up while you're in moving mode, and there's almost no better resource for finding answers to moving questions than Pinterest. Not only are there tons of tips and tricks on there, but there are so many amazing checklists to help you plan out your move and advice you might never have considered that will help your move go even more smoothly (like this tip: take a photo of how all the cords are plugged into your TV so you know how to put it back together the same way!). Pinterest is my go-to for a lot of info and inspiration, but I've found it especially helpful for move-related tips. 



It's a fact: moving is stressful. And whenever you know you're going to encounter a more-stressful-than-normal experience, it's a good idea to give yourself a little extra love, care, and attention. If possible, amp up whatever self-love practices you have in your life and mark time on your schedule to do the activities that make you feel the most relaxed. During a busy time, like a move, dedicating extra time for self-love activities might not feel super productive, but, trust me, the hour or two you give yourself will help you feel less stressed and make whatever difficulties you encounter easier to conquer. And if you do encounter challenges, try a relaxing breathing technique — breathe in four seconds, hold it for seven, breathe out for eight — to help combat the emotions that arise during a stressful situation. 



Moving day is such a stress-filled day, but one of the best things you can do for your emotional state is to do something that makes the new place feel like home. Whether it's hanging up a favorite photo, making up your bed, or arranging your favorite items on a shelf, try to do at least one little thing on your first day to make the place feel like yours. Living in a new spot is always a little unsettling at first, especially when boxes are stacked all around you, so doing even one small thing to make it feel like home can make a big difference in your mindset. It can also serve as a reminder that home isn't about a specific place, but about how you feel when you're in that place. 


If you're going through a move, I hope these tips inspire you to feel a little less stressed. It's never an easy thing to do, particularly if you've been settled in one place for awhile and, like me, don't love change, but the more you strive to keep calm, stay centered, and aim to be positive, the easier even the most challenging move will be. 


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