Last week I took my puppy, Barkley, to her first day of Puppy Kindergarten (aka, puppy training classes). The school Barkley attends uses positive training, focusing on positive reinforcement such as praise, treats, and play to train dogs. (This differs from an older method in which dominance and punishment were used to get results.) As I watched all of the puppies in the room responding so well to the training (all the puppies aside from Barkley, who spent most of the class on my lap, afraid of the bigger pups), I realized how well positive reinforcement can work with humans too.
Just think about how often you tell someone not to do something. Or maybe that's just people like me who tend to be a little, uh, bossy—to put it mildly. Anyway, it seems to me that, when it comes to communicating our preferences with others, we spend a lot of time vocalizing what we don't want and not all that much time praising the behaviors we do want. This ultimately causes us to give much more attention to the negative behaviors (just as the old way of teaching dogs did), leaving the positive behaviors without the attention they so rightly deserve.
Positive reinforcement works so well in dogs (a—nd other animals) because they are praised and/or given a treat immediately after they do what you want them to do. They are encouraged when they do what's right and, as a result, they want to keep doing it. In some cases we do this with people—just think about how it feels to get a A+ on a test you studied so hard for, to receive a raise you worked years to obtain, or to hear the appreciation in someone else's voice when you do what was asked of you—but I don't think we do it often enough. Why not? Because it's harder than it seems.
You see, often our gut reactions are often stronger when it comes to negative things—"Oh my god, no! NO! Don't put that pen dripping black ink on the couch!!!"—than they are when it comes to positive things—"Thank you so much for the flowers you brought home! So pretty!"—which makes it difficult to focus on positive reinforcement. It's our nature to avoid things that might harm us and we react quickly and harshly to behaviors that disappoint, annoy, or scare us. It's not necessarily a reflex to dramatically react to a positive behavior.
Like most aspects of living a positive and present life, it requires effort to focus on positive reinforcement. It's not easy with dogs—just try not saying "no!" when a puppy is biting you!—and it's not easy with humans either. Here are some tips for using positive reinforcement. Keep in mind, this isn't about training humans; it's about reinforcing positive behaviors to create better relationships with the ones you love (or the ones you have to cope with).
Positive Reinforcement Tips
Offer a reward. Rewards work wonders for dogs, and they work for people too. When someone does something you really appreciate, show your appreciate with a reward—and keep in mind the kind of reward an individual would appreciate. You might like a nice bouquet of roses, while she would be more pleased with a handwritten note.
Praise profusely. Maybe the "profusely" part isn't necessary, but don't forget to praise the behaviors you want to see more of. If your kid cleans his room (finally!), tell him how much you appreciate it and how great you think it looks. Or if your boss goes out of her way to give you credit on a project, don't let that act slip by without some serious recognition from you. Praise, praise, praise!
Focus on the good. Pay close attention to the behaviors you really want to see more of and focus on those more than the behaviors that irritate you. Randomly bring up a good behavior in conversation—long after it happened—just to show that it still means something to you. The more attention you give that behavior, the more others will realize how much it means to you—and hopefully keep doing it!
Dig deeper. With dogs, it's important to look at the cause of a behavior. Puppies often nip because they want attention; when you yell "no!" as they nip, you're giving them exactly what they want. If you get to the root of what someone really wants (in this case, attention), you can give it to him or her in after a positive behavior (after a puppy sits calmly). Getting to the root of what someone wants can help you both create more positive behaviors.
Be consistent. Even though humans are quite a bit smarter than puppies, they still benefit from one of the most important aspects of positive training: consistency. The more consistent you are with reinforcing a positive behavior, the more likely you are to see that behavior repeat itself. Keep up the praise, the rewards, and the attention to positive actions and you're much more likely to see more and more positive results.
Avoid force/intimidation. This is one of the key elements of positive training for dogs and it can work wonders in human relationships too. People don't like to be bullied into doing things; they want to believe they did it on their own, without being forced into it. No matter how badly you want a behavior, don't try to force it or intimidate someone else into giving it to you. Manipulation is negative and will only lead to negativity in relationships.
Positive reinforcement seems like a lot of work, doesn't it? It is—but it's worth it when it comes to creating healthier, more positive relationships with the ones you love. The more you reinforce positive behaviors, the more you'll see them. And that's just the most obvious benefit of positive reinforcement. Here are some other benefits that really make it worth it to put some effort into reinforcing positively:
Positive Reinforcement Benefits
Decreases stress. One of the great stressors in any relationship is arguing over the behaviors you don't want. While, of course, you cannot ignore negative behaviors, having a large focus on positive reinforcement helps to balance out heated discussions about unwanted behavior. When you use positive reinforcement techniques, you spend much more time taking positive action—and less time stressing out.
Builds up trust. The purpose of positive training in dogs is to build trust between humans and dogs so that the dogs want to do what the humans ask of them. Likewise, using positive reinforcement in our human relationships helps to build trust. Instead of constantly criticizing one another, we focus our attention on the behaviors we enjoy. We encourage and praise each other, creating a culture of trust (not fear) in the relationship.
Creates good feelings. It feels good to praise someone—and it feels good to receive praise. Instead of using so many negative words, like "don't" and "no," when reinforcing positively, we're focusing on the good things, using praise and rewards and appreciation to get the results we want. In doing so, we're creating more good feelings than bad, creating more love and less hostility.
Promotes positive action. Not only does positive reinforcement help to create more of the action that is positively reinforced, but it's likely to inspire others to find more actions that will garner positive attention. If you're receiving lots of great attention and praise for things you're doing right, aren't you going to want to find more things to do to get the good stuff? You bet you are! Positive action + positive reinforcement = more positive actions.
Positive reinforcement requires a lot more effort than simply responding angrily when someone does something you don't like. It's so much easier to focus on berating negative behaviors than it is to praise positive ones—but positive reinforcement can reap some pretty amazing rewards, helping to create more positive and productive relationships. And positive reinforcement doesn't work only on other people and animals—you can also give it a try with yourself. Reward your positive choices! Praise your own good decisions! The more you focus on the positive, the more positive relationships you can create—with your pets, your loved ones, and even yourself.
