reader request: how to protect your heart

Protect-Your-Heart

 

Happy 2016, Positively Present readers! I'm so excited to kick off this new year with you. There are so many exciting projects in the works for the coming months -- new books, new products, new projects, and more -- and I can't wait to share them with you! To begin the new year, I'm starting off with a new type of post: Reader Request. I often receive emails, Instagram comments, blog post comments, etc. from readers asking if I'd write about a specific topic. I love when I receive requests because it tells me what you want to read and it inspires me to explore topics I might not have considered. If you have a request, contact me and I may just write about it for you! 

 

The first Reader's Request is a great one because it's a topic I've struggled with it a lot over the past year or so, but one I've avoided writing about (for a number of reasons): protecting your heart. ('Bet you guessed it from the title, didn't you?) A few weeks ago, I posted an image on Instagram featuring the words "Protect Your [Heart]," and one of my followers asked me if I'd write an article about how to actually do that. As soon as I read her comment, I knew it would be a great topic to write about -- especially because it's something I've struggled with personally. 

I'll be honest: I'm not the best at protecting my heart. I love love so much that sometimes I don't always make the best heart-related choices. For example, I cling to romantic notions of what I think something could be and ignore what it is. I'm often so hopeful things will work out someday that I often avoid dealing with what's happening now. (Healthy, I know...) When it comes to love, hopefulness isn't always a bad thing, but sometimes I'm so frantically hopeful that I swing the door to my heart wide open when it might be better slammed shut. 

Because, you see, a wide open door can lead to some negative consequences. A door left constantly ajar allows others to come and go as they please. When you don't push the door closed, others can (and will) call the shots. When you don't remember to lock the door, sometimes the wrong kinds of people can walk right on in. A lot of us have a hard time turning the lock because we fear missing out on a possibility of love (even if we know, deep down, that it's not right); or we think if we wait a little longer or try a little harder, something will change; or we believe if we close the door on someone, no one else will ever come along; or we assume if we let a lot of people through the door, one is bound to end in happily-ever-after. 

Whatever the reason (and all of us open-heart-door types have them!), keeping the door to your heart wide open at all times can result in a lot of unnecessary pain and heartache. On the flip side, so can closing off your heart completely, but for the sake of this article, we're going to focus on how to protect your heart. (If you struggle with letting love in, check out Let Go & Let It In: How to Stop Being Afraid of Love.) Even though, admittedly, I'm not the best at protecting my own heart, here are some of the ways I've learned to keep watch over my heart...

 

KNOW WHEN TO OPEN THE DOOR

Knowing when to open the door to your heart is the absolute best way to protect it. It's much easier to stop someone from coming in in the first place than it is to ask them to leave later. It's not always easy to know when you should or shouldn't open the door, but usually you have a gut instinct about someone -- and you should listen to it. Whether you want to admit it or not, you know, deep down, whether or not someone deserves to be invited into your world. Pay attention to what your initial reaction to someone tells you. 

 

PAY ATTENTION TO HOW YOU FEEL

After you've let someone have access to your heart, pay attention to how you feel when you're with that person. Really take note of how you feel when you think about him or her. And, in particular, pay attention to how you feel after you spend time with that person. Sometimes, when you're caught up in a romance, you'll feel great with the person, but when you're not with him/her, you feel anxious or uncertain or even unhappy. Paying close attention to your feelings will give you instant access to insights that will tell you whether or not someone is worthy of your time and effort. 

 

COMMUNICATE YOUR FEELINGS

Communication, in any kind of relationship, is so important. If you don't talk about how you feel with someone else, you're bound to have all sorts of problems and misunderstandings. (Full disclosure: I am literally terrible at this. I have gone years without talking about how I feel, which, I know, is absurd, and, as you might imagine, hasn't work out too well for me. Because I'm so bad at it, I know just how important it is.) The more open, honest, and communicative you are with someone else, the more you'll learn about him/her, and the more you know, the better you'll be at making decisions regarding your heart. 

 

LET GO OF ATTACHMENT

This is probably one of the best heart-protection tips -- and tips for generally living a positive life. The only reason we have pain in our lives is because we're too attached to people, things, situations, or ideas. Detaching from people, in particular, is really hard. I recently read this article "Letting Go of Attachment: From A to Zen" and I found it super eye-opening and helpful. When you're not clinging to someone (or the idea of someone), you're able to have a clearer vision of who someone really is. The more clarity you have, the more you'll know whether or not someone is really good for you or not. 

 

WATCH WHAT PEOPLE DO (NOT SAY)

You've probably heard this type of advice before, but it's vital when it comes to protecting your heart. People can say absolutely anything they want at any time, and it's easy to believe that words are enough. But they're not. What matters, when it comes to matters of the heart, is action. To protect your heart, pay attention not to what people say, but to what they do. For example, saying "I love you" means nothing if they don't treat you in a loving way. It's easy to get swept away with what's being said, but actions are the only thing that matters when it comes to protecting your heart. 

 

DON'T FEAR BEING ALONE

A lot of us fail to protect our hearts because we're afraid of being alone, and we'd rather tolerate being treated badly than be faced with solitude. This is very bad for the protection of the heart because it can cause you to stay in situations that make you feel unhappy for much longer than you need to. One of the very best ways to protect your heart is to be okay with being alone. If you're comfortable with solitude, you won't stay in bad situations longer than necessary, and you won't settle for less than you deserve simply because you're lonely. 

 

Protecting your heart is hard work, and I definitely struggle with it myself, but I hope these tips help you if you're struggling to find what's best for you. Most of us value our relationships so highly, but we don't always pay attention to how we really, truly feel when we're in (or out of) them. Protecting your heart doesn't mean closing the door to possibilities or love; it means making sure that the people and experiences you let in are worthy of your love.  

 

 

Loving-Your-Self

Protecting your heart goes hand-in-hand with self-love. Want to empower yourself with some serious self-love and acceptance? Start loving yourself (or increase the love you already have for yourself!) with the inspiration and motivation found in Loving Your Self: An Empowering Workbook for Increasing Self-LoveFilled with uplifting encouragement, thought-provoking questions, and engaging exercises, Loving Your Self is an essential tool for mastering the art of self-love. Learn more about the workbook here and purchase your own copy here.


positively present picks: january 1, 2016

2016-new-year

 

Quote-of-the-week

"The new year stands before us, like a chapter in a book,
waiting to be written."

Melody Beattie

 

Links-I-Love 

Tiny Buddha's 365 Love Challenges : kicking off 2016 with this!

Emoji Paintings : actual paintings of emojis. so much cute. 

The Crossroads of Should + Must : loving this sooo much

Goal Planning Worksheets : perfect for the New Year

Best Book Covers of 2015 : a book lover + designer's dream

Top Songs of 2015 in 4 Minutes : this duo is a-m-a-z-i-n-g

5 Habits that Make You Happy : they're backed by science 

Rx Breakup App : essential advice for post-break-up woes

Start Where You Are : so perfect for the year's fresh start

Real Self Love : Danielle LaPorte's wise, wise words

7 Things to Turn a Bad Day Around : you deserve a good day!

The Science of Inside Out : still need to see this film

When Mercury Is in Retrograde in 2016 : mark down these dates

Giving + Gratitude Benefit Physical Health : give more, get more

5 Warning Signs of SAD : an tips for handling SAD symptoms

Easing Others' Suffering Without Suffering : is it even possible?

Letting Go of Attachment : this A-to-Z list is soooo good

 

Listening

Listen to this playlist on YouTube.

"Hands to Myself / Sorry" — Troye Sivan
"This Is the New Year" — A Great Big World
"Wolves Without Teeth" — Of Monsters & Men
"Bathe" — Bare Rivere
"Magic Hour" — RAC (ft. Little Boots)
"A Long December"— Counting Crows
"Circles" —MDWS
"Gonna Make It Through This Year" — Great Lake Swimmers
"Revival" — Selena Gomez
"The New Year" — Death Cab for Cutie

 

Reading

Check out my reading list on GoodReads.
 

The Crossroads of Should + Must
Elle Luna

Girl Online
Zoe Sugg

Tiny Buddha's 365 Love Challenges
Lori Deschene

  

I wrote a book too! Check it out...

The Positively Present Guide to Life
Dani DiPirro


happy is not a choice: the difference between happiness + positivity

Positivity
 

 

You've probably heard quotes like "happiness is a choice" or "if you want to be happy, be" or "people are as happy as they make up their minds to be." (I'm probably guilty of using these words. Scroll through my Instagram feed and I bet you'll find "choose happy" or something along those lines amidst my many quote-themed photos.) In theory, these quotes come from a good place. They're meant to highlight the notion that, though you don't always have control of your circumstances, you have control over how you feel. 

Except... that's not true.  

Quotes like "choose happiness" or "think happy thoughts" aim to convey the idea that, no matter what happens, you have control over what you think, but what they actually convey is that you have control over what you feel. But there's a big difference between what you think and how you feel, and the idea that thoughts and feelings are interchangeable is potentially very damaging because, much as you might want to, you can't control how you feel. And you can't control happiness because happiness is a feeling. You can't just choose to be happy when your dog just died or your wife just left or you're suffering from depression. You can't choose to be happy when you just found out your child has cancer or your parents are abusive or your doctor just diagnosed you with a chronic illness. 

If you've ever experienced any of these things (or any other heart-breaking, painful, or sad situation), you know this is the truth. No matter how much you want to be happy, sometimes you just cannot be. This is normal and to be expected because happiness is a way of feeling, not a way of thinking.  

While feeling isn't something you can control, thinking is. The literal definition of to feel is "to experience an emotion." To think is defined as "to direct one's mind toward someone or something." Experiencing an emotion just happens. You feel sad when something saddens you. You feel happy when something (or someone!) makes you happy. You can (sometimes) decide whether or not you get carried away with your emotions, but you can't control whether you have them in the first place.  

You feel how you feel when you feel it, and feelings can't be changed by words like "be happy!" or "think happy thoughts!" As anyone who's faced serious trauma or heartbreak knows, in the midst of true pain and loss, happy thoughts are not an option. But what is an option is thinking positively. Happiness is not always an option, but positive thinking always is. Let's take a closer look at how they're different... 

 

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN POSITIVITY + HAPPINESS 

You might be saying to yourself right about now, Aren't positivity and happiness basically the same thing? Aren't "positive thoughts" and "happy thoughts" the same?  No, they are not the same, and the difference between them is very, very important (especially for anyone striving to live a positively present life!). 

Fleeting Emotion vs. Logical Choice

As I said before, happiness is an emotion. Emotions, as a rule, are fleeting. Some last longer than others, but there are very rarely entire days when you are happy. Even when things are going incredibly well and you're having an amazing day, you're not actually experiencing true happiness and joy that entire day. (Same goes for negative emotions too — no matter how difficult the situation, you usually experience a range of emotions, not just "sad," and even in the most challenging of times, positive feelings like hope and even happiness can be experienced.) 

On the other hand, positive thinking is an active choice — the decision to focus on the possibility of good results or seek out the goodness in any situation or person (good or bad). Positive thinking is logical, not emotional. It's more about using your head than it is about using your heart. It's about taking whatever you experience (and feel) and trying your best to make the most of the situation (even if the situation is terrible). 

Experiencing vs. Learning

Happiness must be experienced. Positivity, on the other hand, is something that can be learned and practiced by everyone. No matter what's going on in your life, you can strive for a positive attitude. You can also practice it (and get better at it!), which is something you can't do with happiness. You can fake happiness, but that's not the same as practicing it. You're either happy or you're not. You can't learn to be happier, and you certainly can't force yourself to feel (truly) happy when you just don't feel that way.

A lot of people struggle because of the notion that you can somehow become happier overall by doing something external (getting a better job, falling in love, buying the newest gadget) but those kinds of things only provide a burst of happiness that will eventually fade until we find that next "happiness high." Happiness can be gained from external things, but it won't last because it's merely an emotion. Instead of focusing on experiences, it's much more useful to spend time and energy learning how to find the good in any situation (rather that striving for short bursts of happiness). 

Unique Feeling vs. Similar Thinking

Another major difference between happiness and positivity is this: happiness is incredibly unique. (This is why it's such a hard topic to study and deeply comprehend.) What fills your heart with joy might not even register on my happiness radar. It's kind of like love in a way (except it usually doesn't last as long): it's something we all experience at some point, but it's hard to put it into words because we all experience it so differently and for such different reasons.

Also, because happiness is a feeling, it's experienced in unique ways too. If you and I were both to think of a time when we were incredibly happy, we might have very different reactions to that memory even if we both labeled it as a "happy" time. From a mental and a physical standpoint, we all experience happiness differently. However, when it comes to positive thinking, we can all practice similar techniques. We all know what it means to try to find the good in a situation (even if we find different kinds of goodness). Positive thinking is a logical, thought-driven experience. It's something we can all understand and, most of the time, experience in a similar way. For this reason, it's much easier to share and teach to others. (And, as an added bonus, the more someone practices positive thinking, the more happiness s/he is likely to experience.) 

Big Picture vs. Present Moment

Whatever you experience (good and bad) can impact your happiness levels. It's hard to be happy if aspects of your life (some of which might be out of your control) aren't going well. For example, let's say you're having a really great day at work and you receive an unexpected promotion. This should make you really happy, right? It might — but it might not make you happy for very long if something really unhappy is happening in another area of life. You can't experience true happiness when certain areas of your life are negative, uncertain, or unhappy. Happiness focuses on the big picture. This isn't a bad thing, but it's an important difference from positivity, which isn't at all concerned with (or impacted by) the big picture.

Positive thinking focuses on the current moment and determining what you can gain from that experience or interaction. It's about making the most of whatever is happening to you right now. It should not tainted by what has already happened or what could happen (unless you're recalling a time in which you struggled with a difficult situation and overcame it, reminding yourself that you're strong enough to survive whatever you're currently going through). Positivity is about taking whatever's happening and trying to make it as good as it can possibly be, regardless of what's going on in other areas of your life or what might happen in the future. 

There are some major differences between happiness and positivity, but making the differentiation between happiness and positivity isn't meant to make "positive" seem better than "happy," or to put down happiness in anyway. It's only meant to show that there is a big difference. Here's why this difference matters...

 

WHY THE DIFFERENCE MATTERS

After reading about the differences between happiness and positivity you might be thinking, So what? Why does this matter? It matters because so many people use these very different terms as if they are interchangeable, and this can lead to damaging beliefs in those who read/hear phrases like "if you want to be happy, be happy!" or "choose to be happy!" 

Because happiness is not a choice, when people are told to be happy and they're unable to achieve a happy state (because they're in a bad situation, because they have a chemical imbalance that doesn't allow them to be happy often, or for any other reason), they feel like failures. If happiness is promoted as something that can just be chosen, like pulling an item off a store's shelf, those who cannot seem to "choose" it feel as though there is something wrong with them. On the other hand, if you were to suggest to someone who is struggling that s/he "think positively" (accompanied by suggestions for how to actually do it), those words might actually be useful and encouraging. Happiness is not an action that can simply be chosen, and suggesting it is can actually cause feelings of frustration, confusion, and even self-loathing. 

And speaking of self-loathing, one of the other reasons using happiness and positive thinking are used interchangeably is: it causes a lot of people (most of us, in fact!) to strive for something that is unattainable: a lasting, permanent state of happiness. Due to many popular culture messages about happiness, many of us believe we should strive for happiness most of the time, even when we're sad or struggling, even when we're stressed or heartbroken. 

As Dan Harris writes in 10% Happier, the “pursuit of happiness becomes the source of our unhappiness.” If you're striving for a constant state of happiness — a fleeting emotion that rarely lasts for an extended period of time and that sometimes comes from negative sources, like abused substances, the approval of negative people, unhealthy activities, etc. — you're bound to be, at the very least, disappointed a good deal of the time. You might feel guilty when you don't feel happy when everything is going well or confused when you experience happiness during difficult times.

Making an emotion (happiness) a life-long goal is a pretty great way to set yourself up for a lot of disappointment and stress. While there will (hopefully!) be many, many moments of happiness in your life, no one is happy every single moment of every single day, and striving for that is like spending your life hoping to find an actual pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. This isn't meant to leave you feeling as if happiness is some crazy dream that'll never be made real; it's only meant to show how the pursuit of happiness isn't what leads to true fulfillment. Happiness comes in amazing, fleeting moments that we're all lucky to experience from time to time. And the best way to keep an eye out for these moments (and make the most of them when they happen!) is to focus on positive thinking, on seeking out the good in your life, no matter where you find yourself. 

Rather that focusing on choosing happiness, what we should be focusing on is thinking positively. Remember: we can't choose how we feel, but we can choose how we think about those feelings (and whatever it was that caused us to feel that way). Instead of focusing so much being happy, what we should be focusing on is how we can make the most of our lives (both the happy and the sad parts). 

When we see something that tells us to simply "be happy," we should question that request and think about how the notion of happiness-as-a-choice is actually impacting our lives. Of course, there's absolutely nothing wrong with thinking happy thoughts or gravitating toward things that make you happy, but it's important to keep in mind that happiness (no matter how great!) is fleeting. If you're looking for lasting contentment, learning the art of positive thinking is the best place to put your time and energy. 

 

 

Loving-Your-Self

Positive thinking can be tough when it comes to self-contemplation, which is why it's so important to focus on self-love. Want to empower yourself with some serious self-love and acceptance? Start loving yourself (or increase the love you already have for yourself!) with the inspiration and motivation found in Loving Your Self: An Empowering Workbook for Increasing Self-LoveFilled with uplifting encouragement, thought-provoking questions, and engaging exercises, Loving Your Self is an essential tool for mastering the art of self-love. Learn more about the workbook here and purchase your own copy here.


a christmas round-up: a collection of holiday links!

Merry-Christmas-Roundup

 

Merry Christmas week! I've been feeling particularly festive this year (perhaps from watching these daily videos from Zoella!), and I'm very excited that Christmas is almost here. (And a little sad too. It's always such a deflating feeling when the day is done.) Since I'll be spending a lot of this week celebrating the holiday and doing fun, festive things, I won't be doing a Positively Present Picks post on Friday. Instead, I've round-up all of the Christmas-y goodness I could find to share with you today. 

I hope your Christmas Day (whether you celebrate the holiday or not!) is absolutely magical and filled with all of the lovely things you treasure. While you're waiting for the big day to arrive, check out the festive round-up of links below... 

 

THINGS TO DO

24 Random Acts of Christmas Kindness : spread holiday cheer!

Gingerbread Oatmeal Face Mask : perfect if you need pampering

Emoji Ornaments : these could be a great last-minute DIY gift

Lego Holiday Crafts : perfect for the kids (+adults!) in your life

Christmas Nail Art Ideas : great round-up of cute nail ideas

DIY Christmas Light Garland : so cute + looks pretty easy to do 

Paper Ornaments : for those last-minute decorating needs 

Bite-Sized Gingerbread Houses : omg, these are too cute!

Christmas Lights Leggings : adding these to my to-do list ASAP

Edible Snow Globe : make (+ then eat!) this little cutie. yum!

8 Ornaments in 8 Minutes : quick gifts or decor for your tree

Paper Snowflakes : tips for making the prettiest designs

 

THINGS TO DOWNLOAD

Coolest Gift Tags + Gift Wrap : so many adorable freebies

Christmas Nostalgia Poster Pack : print + hang for instant cheer

Have a Cup of Cheer : such a cute little (free!) printable

Christmas Essentials : this art print is adorable + FREE!

8 Festive Phone Wallpapers : give your phone a holiday feel 

Dear Santa... : a printable letter for grown-ups + kids

Plaid Christmas Print : such a cute additional to your decor

101 Free Christmas Printables : everything you might need!

 

THINGS TO READ

The Magic Christmas : life lessons from my favorite book

12 Signs You're Actually Buddy the Elf : I got 6 out of 12, haha

The 3 Biggest Holiday Stressors : and how to overcome them 

31 Perfect Things : an alternative to all of the gift guides

How to Stay Motivated to Work During the Holidays : you can do it

A Christmas Carol Starring YOU! : what if you were the main character?

Why I'm Obsessed with Christmas Movies : they're just the best

How to Hang Christmas Lights : all twinkle, none of the tangle

 

THINGS TO LOOK AT 

The Christmas Ninja : just look through this makes me feel festive!

Cookie Sheet Cookies : these are so cute I can't even handle them

24 Days of Zoella : I've loved watching these videos all month

Christmas Cheer : my Pinterest collection of Christmas-y things

White + Pink + Gold Tree : looking at this made me smile

Holiday Party Makeup : I love Tanya Burr + her tutorials! 

Emoji Gift Wrap : can't even tell you how much I love this

Christmas Gift Suggestions : this inspiring illustration is beautiful

Buddy the Elf Cookies : I love the spaghetti so much ;)

 

 

 

Loving-Your-Self

Christmas can be a tough time, which makes it one of the very best times to focus on self love. Want to empower yourself with some serious self-love and acceptance? Start loving yourself (or increase the love you already have for yourself!) with the inspiration and motivation found in Loving Your Self: An Empowering Workbook for Increasing Self-LoveFilled with uplifting encouragement, thought-provoking questions, and engaging exercises, Loving Your Self is an essential tool for mastering the art of self-love. Learn more about the workbook here and purchase your own copy here.


positively present picks: december 18, 2015

Falalala
 Source

 

Quote-of-the-week

"Christmas isn't a season. It's a feeling."

Edna Farber

 

Links-I-Love

How to Do Therapy on Yourself : advice from a therapist

6 Ways to Turn a Bad Day Around : make every day a good one

On Self-Sabotage: a very thought-provoking read

Minute Journal App: check this out, Android users! 

Department Store for the Mind : shop by mood - so cool

10 Days to Sugar Free: would love to be able to do this

This Narwhal Loves You : well, this made me smile for sure

Anxiety in Wonderland : wow. this really spoke to me. 

7 Ways to Stop a Panic Attack : just in case you ever have one

Addicted to Work?: here's how not to miss out on life

27 Feelings that Make Everyone Instantly Happy : love these!

 

Listening

Listen to this playlist on YouTube.

"Wonderful Christmastime" — The Shins
"Lights Low" — RKCB
"Fly Away" — Tristan Beer
"Unlock the Lock" — Vanessa Carlton
"Can't Help Falling..." — Haley Reinhart
"Good to Be Alive"— Any Grammar
"Wildest Dreams" —Ryan Adams
"Spirit Cold" — Tall Heights
"Closer to You" — Christian Carcamo
"The More You Give" — Michael Bublé

 

Reading

Check out my reading list on GoodReads.
 

The Magic Christmas
Francine Pascal

Girl Online
Zoe Sugg

  

I wrote a book too! Check it out...

The Positively Present Guide to Life
Dani DiPirro