positively present

how to reclaim your muchness

  

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As I mentioned last week in the post "Wonderland's Wisdom: 5 Life Lessons from Alice's Adventures," I went to see Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland last Friday. Overall, I thought it was pretty great, but one part in particular really stuck out to me. In one scene, the Mad Hatter is talking to Alice and telling her that the last time she visited Wonderland (this film is based on her second trip down the rabbit hole), she was "much muchier" and this time around she seemed to have lost her "muchness." According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, muchness means "the quality or state of being in great quantity, extent, or degree." What the Mad Hatter was talking about, in his odd and slightly hysterical way, was that Alice had lost some of who she used to be. He was inferring that she had lost some of the true essence of herself as she'd grown older.

How many of us feel that we have lost some of ourselves as we've grown older? How many of us, as children, were afraid to grow up because we believed we would become less than we were? Afraid that we would become some sort of shadowed, boring, adult version of ourselves? And how many of us did just that? When I think back to who I was as a child, I see both the me and the not-me. I see myself as a different person and yet exactly the same. In some ways I still feel that wonderment and excitement of childhood, especially lately as I open myself up more to experiencing the world and have refused to stop shutting things out with my negativity. However, in other ways, I feel that I have aged well-beyond my twenty-six years (which, to be honest, is not an entirely new feeling for me; I have always felt much older than I really am). As a kid, I always wanted to grow-up because I felt much more comfortable in the world of adults -- and yet I don't feel as though I ever fully did grow up, though technically most would consider me of adult age. One of my favorite quotes, by Margaret Atwood, goes something like this: "Everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise." That's how I feel most of the time.

As I've gotten older (and have yet to have that full-blown I'm-an-adult feeling), I started thinking about who I considered an adult. First thing that came to mind, not surprisingly, was my parents. I once asked my mom when she finally felt like an adult and she told me it was when she had kids. I often wonder if one must be surrounded my non-adults to actually feel like an adult... and I wonder how this works when you surround yourself with those who don't behave like adults... and how does it work if you yourself are not behaving like an adult? We all know what it means in the technical sense to be an adult, but what I'm wondering is: what is it that we lose when we grow up? Like Alice, are we losing some of our essence -- some of our muchness -- as we get older?

I don't know about you, but I don't want to lose my muchness. Much like Alice did in the film, I feel indignant about the fact that I could lose some of what I was simply by growing older. (Is that, I wonder, what we really all fear as we age -- not the fact that we will grow old but the fact that we will grow up?). I understand that we must all age and that we actually gain a lot from age (I, for one, have learned so much already and I don't suppose I'm really all that old yet), but just because we grow older doesn't mean we have to lose site of who we used to be. After all, that childhood self is who we were born to be, quite literally. 

Today I plan to take some time to figure out what really is my muchness and whether or not, as I've grown older, I've lost some of that essence of who I was as a child. Of course there are things we did as children that we wouldn't want to do as adults, but when you get down the essence of who you were -- the heart of what you thought you would be -- what do you come up with? What of that essence have you lost? As I think about this today, I'm going to contemplate the following questions... 

6 Questions To Help You Reclaim Your Muchness

1. What did I like to do when I was younger?  When you think about what you liked to do as a kid you may be surprised that you still like to do those things. Often the things we like as kids are the things we like our whole lives (I certainly know that's true for me when it comes to reading and writing!). Give some thought to this and you'll uncover a lot about the essence of who you are. What you liked to do then says a lot about the kind of person you were.
   
   
2. Why did I stop doing or continue to do those things?  Some people continue to do the things they loved when they were kids. Some people even make careers out of those things (as I someday hope to do). But often times people stop doing the things they loved to do when they were kids. Think about what you did as a kid and whether or not you still do it (and why).
   
   
3. Who did I think I would be when I grew up?  When you think about who you thought you would be, you'll learn about the things that were important to you as a kid. Of course, in some cases, you can't incorporate these things into your adult life all that easily. But, for example, if you wanted to be a professional basketball player, think about why you wanted to be that person. What did you think that grown-up would have?
   
   
4. How am I like that fictional version of myself?  When you think back on that childhood ideal of who you were going to be, also take some time to consider how you might actually be like that person. You might not be exactly what you thought you would be, but you may be closer than you think. For example, I always thought I'd be a famous journalist of some sort (which I'm clearly not), but I do spend most of my time writing so I'm really not that far off.
   
   
5. What attitudes and beliefs did I hold as a kid?  This is the most important question. Though it's essential to examine what you liked to do and who you thought you would be, the most important thing to consider is what your beliefs were as a child. What ideals were important to you. In Alice, the Mad Hatter thinks Alice has lost some of her bravery and gumption because she grew older. Consider how you may have acted as a child and then ponder...
   
   
6. How have my attitudes and beliefs changed?  As we grow and learn, it's no surprise that some of our values will change. We understand that the world is a complex place and not everything falls neatly into a "good" or "bad" category. But think about how your beliefs may have changed since you were a kid. What attitudes did you have then that you may not have now? I know personally that I believed a lot more in my adult-self back then than I do now and that's something I certainly want to get back to.

It's normal not to be the same person we were in childhood, but is it necessary to lose the true essence of who we once were? I think not. When I saw that seen in Alice in Wonderland it really reminded me of how we change between the time we are born and the time we are adults. Change is good, but not all change is good. Just as the Mad Hatter claimed Alice had, many of us lose our "muchness." Maybe of us lose sight of what we're really meant to be. Give some thought to these questions this weekend and see if you can once again reclaim your muchness.

how to stay positive in the face of rejection

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"I take rejection as someone blowing a bugle in my ear
to wake me up and get me going rather than retreat."

Sylvester Stallone

The post below is a guest post by Liz Borino, a writer after my own heart who is passionate about the effects of optimism on people’s success. Today she's writing on the topic of rejection, something most people experience at some point in their lives. It can be difficult to be positive in the face of rejection, but Liz offers some helpful tips on how you can make the most of even the most unpleasant of situations.

 

Being rejected is a terrible feeling. I’m a writer, so I’ve done my best to get comfortable with the possibility of rejection because I realize it will happen. However, it doesn’t just happen to writers, it happens to everyone because we’re human and sometimes we need other people’s approval to reach our goals in life. It does absolutely nothing for us or our goals if we stay down. Here are four positive ways of handling rejection.

 

1. Keep it in perspective. No matter how perfect that job, opportunity, boy/girl, college, or whatever you were rejected from, seemed they weren’t. The boy/girl probably snores, the job might force you to work more hours a week, which would take you away from your family. There will be other opportunities for success. I promise you.
   
   

2. Try another avenue of success. There are two options here, wait for another avenue or opportunity to present itself, or create your own. I’m impatient and don’t like to put my success in the hands of other people who can’t be as invested in it as I am. Let’s say you get rejected by your crush, a positive way to create another opportunity would be for you to go to a coffee house (or a bar, if that’s more your scene) and approach someone reading your favorite book. In the case of the artist, if they’re rejected by a magazine or publishing house, when they get one rejection they could send out two new submissions to other publications.
   
   

3. Don’t take it personally. This one’s tricky, I know. You’re probably sitting there saying, But if I got rejected, how is it not personal? The fact is it probably has more to do with the person who rejected you than about you. Maybe, you didn’t get that date because that person doesn’t go out with people who wear glasses. Maybe that college you got rejected from is filled to capacity. It’s possible that the agent you queried just isn’t interested in representing anymore of the genre that you’re writing in. These aren’t just excuses to make you feel better, they really could be true.
   
   

4. Reflect. Of course, if you’re being continually rejected, it might be time for some self-reflection. For example, if all your crushes are turning you down you might have to evaluate how you’re approaching people and if those people are really right for you. An example might be if you were trying to get the president of the science club to go out with you, impressing him with your pop-culture knowledge may not produce the desired result. If you got rejected from every college you applied to, it might help to retake the admission tests, or go to a community college for a year or two. This isn’t about blaming yourself, but instead taking responsibility for your own success.

Rejection is never easy to take, no matter how invested you were in what you were trying to accomplish. However, it should never derail your positive attitude or stop you from attaining your goals. 
 

Liz Borino is passionate about the effects of optimism on people’s success. She has also just completed a novel and loves networking with other people of similar mindsets. She can be reached on Twitter @lizb1987.

don't wait for love: 10 ways to love yourself now

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You've probably seen the words in that picture above countless times before. It's one of those things that gets thrown around, usually when someone is in a down-and-out state and struggling to understand why he or she doesn't feel loved. If they're being said to you they can be painful, but the pain underlines a telling fact: those words are true. Whether or not you want to believe it, if you don't love yourself, no one else can truly love you. Certainly you can be in relationships and experience varieties of emotions similar to love, but if you don't love yourself, if you don't respect yourself, I can guarantee you that no one else can really, truly love or respect you either.

How do I know this? From experience. The older I get, the more I get to know myself, and, much to my surprise, the more I actually love myself. And, not surprisingly (if you believe in the words pictured above), the more I grow to love myself and value my place in this world, the more love and acceptance I experience in my relationships with others. It may seem cliche or even ironic, but I can only speak from a place of my experiences and my experiences have shown me that the quote above is 100%, shockingly, undeniably true. If you want other people to love you, you must love yourself.

We all know this is generally much easier said than done. Of course we all want to love ourselves, but it's not always that easy, is it? Sometimes it can be very, very difficult to believe that you are worth loving. Sometimes it can be damn near impossible to believe that you are valuable. But you are! You, me, everyone is capable of loving and being loved. It's not always simple -- and usually it's not -- but it's always possible. And it's up to you to take the first step in the cycle of love by loving yourself. (The cycle of love, if you're wondering, is the idea that once we love ourselves, we are then capable of being loved, and then are capable of loving others, which makes us love ourselves even more!) If isn't already obvious, I'll spell it out for you here: no one but you can take this first step toward loving yourself. Others can attempt to love you -- and they can do their very best to convince you that you need to love you -- but ultimately it's up to you.

And, often, when left in our hands, the possibility of loving ourselves seems too grand, to insurmountable to even begin to dive into. In order to love ourselves, we have to accept ourselves and, man, is that hard sometimes. We have to accept the good and the bad, the mistakes and the triumphs. We have to actually look at ourselves in the mirror and really see who we are (which, believe me, can be pretty nerve-racking sometimes). It's way more tempting to just float along, letting the world move around you, just hoping that someday you will be loved in the way you want to be loved. As someone who has done this, I can tell you for sure that you'll never find what you're looking for if you don't start making some proactive attempts to love yourself. There's no better time than right now -- yep, right this very minute! -- to get started on some serious self-love. Here's my advice:

10 Ways to Love Yourself NOW

1. Celebrate your past. I'll be honest with you -- this is one of the hardest ones for me. There are things about the me I used to be that I just don't want to celebrate. However, I think about it like this: everything that happened to me in the past made me the person I am today so I need to embrace and celebrate that past because, without it, I wouldn't be me.
   
   
2. Indulge in your desires. Now, not every desire should be indulged it, but sometimes I think it's important to recognize the things that make you happy, that inspire you, that send little shivers of delight down your spine. Doing so will help you recognize the uniqueness that is you and will help you to identify the things you can focus on, those things that truly bring you happiness.
   
   
3. Let go of your mistakes. Mistakes happen. To everyone. No matter what you look like, who you are, what you do for a living, you've made mistakes. We all have and they all suck. I look back on some of my mistakes and literally cringe. But you know what? It doesn't do you any good to focus on them. Take what you can from them, learn from them, and then move the hell on.
   
   
4. Transform your mindset.Sadly it's often easier to get down on yourself than it is to lift yourself up, but if you want to love yourself, you have to change your mindset. You have to believe that you're worthy of love and you have to actively seek out positive things about yourself and your life. Believe me, if you don't do it, no one else well. Change the way you think about yourself and the rest will fall into place.
   
   
5. Embrace your future. Sometimes you find yourself in a tough spot, unhappy with your life and ultimately unhappy with yourself. While I'm all about living in the present, I understand sometimes that the present can be pretty rotten. So cut yourself some slack and remember that you have a deliciously exciting future ahead of you. Focus on what's to come and remind yourself that you can do anything.
   
   
6. Dive into your passion. Most people are passionate about something. They have things that really matter to them -- whether it be a cause or a job or a loved one or a hobby. Whatever it is that gets you really excited, focus on it. Embrace it. Run with it. One of the best ways you can learn to love yourself is to zero in on the things that make you the happiest and spend as much time as you can on them.
   
   
7. Live in your moment. While it's not always easy to live in the moment (nearly a year after starting this blog I still struggle with it on a daily basis!), it's important that you do so. Why? Because to live in the moment is to accept what is and to accept what is is the best way I've found for truly loving yourself. If you focus on the past or present, you're not loving yourself now. Love yourself by being present.
   
   
8. Sing your own praises. I know some people don't like toot their own horns, but you know what? It's okay to say how awesome you are every once and awhile. It's okay to admit that, wow, you did an amazing job on something or accomplished something you never thought you could. Celebrate yourself and your achievements and all of that self-love is sure to find you. Love your awesomeness because, seriously, you are awesome.
   
   
9. Listen to your ideas. Do you ever find yourself ignoring your instincts or avoiding your gut reaction? Don't do that anymore. If you want to love yourself, you have to believe yourself. You have to trust yourself. It's not always easy to listen to yourself, but recognize that your thoughts and ideas are always valid (no matter how ridiculous they might seem). You don't always have to act on your ideas, but always listen to them.
   
   
10. Appreciate your life. Okay, so there are some things you want to change about yourself, about your body, about your relationships, about your life? That's okay. We all want to change things. But what if you stopped focusing on the things you want to change and, instead, focused on the things you wanted to stay the same. Appreciating all that you have in your life is one of the very best ways to remember that you're so very lucky to be YOU.  

 

Of course, there are more than 10 ways to love yourself, but these are, in my opinion, the best place to start. (For more ideas, check out some old posts on Positively Present that focus on self-love, such as: "The ABCs of Loving Yourself," "Greet Yourself with Love," "8 Ways to Make Yourself Shine," "How To Love Your Life's Path," and "Love Love Love Who You Are Now.") I recognize that loving yourself can be really hard work. It's something I work on every day and still don't think I have it completely down (or know if I ever will!), but every time I do something or think something that aligns with the idea that I do, in fact, love myself, I find that a much more positive, more present person. After all, it's pretty hard to live in the moment and love the moment you're living in if you don't love yourself...

As I was writing this post, I came across a quote that really inspired me. Kurt Hahn wrote, "There is more in us than we known. If we can be made to see it, perhaps for the rest of our lives we will be unable to settle for less." When I read it, I thought to myself, "Wow, that really is true. We are all such unique and complex beings and we often don't spend the time or energy looking at ourselves in a deep and meaningful way." The more we turn our attention towards ourselves, towards the act of loving ourselves, the more likely we will be to ask for more from life and for ever, ever settle for less than we deserve. Don't settle. Don't wait. Start loving yourself right now!

guest post: stay as wacky as you want

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Reader's Note:

For the next week and a half I will be on a business trip. While I'm gone, I have some fantastic guest posts scheduled for you to read and enjoy. I'll do my best to reply to comments in between meetings and I'm sure the authors of these guest posts will be happy to respond if possible. I'll return on January 18, 2010 with lots of new posts for you!

Today marks the 3rd month of Random Acts of Kick Arse (RAOKA), a group I'm very fortunate to be a part of.The group -- which includes Life, Laughs, and Lemmings, The Jungle of Life, Jane Be Nimble, Joy Rebel, and Operation NICE -- joins together every month to take part in committing random acts. Each month we have a different theme and for the month of December the theme was "wacky." When I revisited the month of December, I realized that it was, in fact, pretty wacky. When you mix the holiday season with a ton of work and lots of fun activities, you tend to feel a little bit wacky. Today Armen's guest post is quite fitting with the RAOKA theme-of-the-month, and I've decided that my random act of wackiness is to have someone else's post featured as the RAOKA post for this month... Enjoy!

Today's post was written by Armen Shirvanian, who writes about mindset, communication, relationships, and related topics over at his site, Timeless Information. If you haven't been to Armen's site, I highly recommend you do so. He really does share some timeless information that will help you improve your mindset and understand your world from a new perspective.

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One big thing that helps you to smoothly and positively head towards your desires is to keep on doing those quirky or atypical things you feel like doing. The things we have customized in a certain way, which might be peculiar to others, are usually well-suited for us. Autobiographies always contain some wacky habits that successful people continued through their winning years, like going to a local pond every morning, going on a picnic every couple of days, taking three showers every day, eating pecans when doing thinking, or other material like that.

 

Society Wants Atypical Creations And Effortism

Many of the creations that our society prizes come from quirkiness. A lawyer who finds a past case, and spins it around in a wacky way that causes his client to go free, is revered for his amazing law skills. A designer of architecture that styles a building in an unusual way that hasn't been done before, based on some pictures he drew when he was 15, is praised around the world for his creativity and innovative design. A doctor who tries to treat someone, who has a drug-resistant condition, with a new type of method that he thought of during his peculiar thinking time at swimming, becomes the role model for other doctors who didn't have any treatment ideas. Society repeatedly supports those who are innovative, and a lot of that innovation can come from maintaining the weird things you do. Usually, they are not even that weird, but they are things you do that very few others do. These things can be very small differences. Maybe you have a set of fifty different types of pencils you got long ago, that you continue to use to this day, which give you a sense that you are connected to your past.

 

Reading In A Tree Example

Maybe you have a tree in your backyard that you used to sit in and read for an hour, but stopped since you feel that a neighbor might think of you as weird or unfocused. Bringing back that habit might be all you need to re-energize your interest in home gardens, or whatever you read about, and any neighbor who thinks you are weird for sitting in your tree and reading most likely wants to be in your shoes, not caring about others and having a routine habit of reading in a tree.

 

Doing Wacky Things Boosts Your Self-Esteem

When you do something that isn't normal, no matter how small, it boosts your self-esteem, because you are saying your uniquenessis more important than looking or feeling appropriate. This is true any time you break from the pack in some way. One minor example is like how I did some writing of notes on the soft sheet paper that they give with gift boxes for clothes. I filled this 10x18 inch sheet of paper with thinking that I had. It was sort of like Leonardo Da Vinci drawing doodles in his notebook (at least in my mind) that we are now amazed by. I could have easily written them on a regular piece of paper, but this felt cooler, and when you feel cool, you can do things that others couldn't make it through, which validates doing the quirky thing in the first place. As a closing point, who are you doing a favor to when you cut back on your wacky habits or things that make you feel cool? When you find that person, let me know, because I haven't found him.

Armen Shirvanian writes words of wisdom about mindset, communication, relationships, and related topics at Timeless Information. You can follow him on Twitter at @Armen.

new year, same me: 6 stay-the-same resolutions

 

(♥)

"Many people look forward to the new year
 for a new start on old habits." 

  Author Unknown

Happy New Year! Around this time of year, many people are preparing resolutions and, as a result, thinking about all of things they want to change in their lives. But what about all of the things they don't want to change? What about all of the things that have happened in 2009 -- and over the past decade -- that have been great? Instead of focusing on what I want to change in my life (which is something I spent a whole lot of 2009 doing), I'm going to think about what I want to keep the same as I move forward to 2010. It's been a pretty great year for me and, while I always believe there's room for improvement, today I'm going to zero in on the things that I want to keep the same in the next decade. 

My 6 Stay-The-Same Resolutions for 2010

Be positive. I can't I was positive for the decade, but I was definitely much more positive in 2009 and I want to keep that attitude up! It hasn't necessarily been an easy one for me to embrace or maintain, but I'm looking forward to putting in the effort to make sure that 2010 is just as positive -- if not more so! -- than 2009. 

Stay present. While I did find being positive a little tricky this year, staying present was really hard work. With a mind that's always racing and a million things I thought I should be doing, it was pretty difficult for me to stay in the moment. But, more often than not, I did it and I'm really proud of myself for that. I hope to keep living in the moment in 2010. 

Enjoy life. We all know the old idea that life is short, but how often do we really act like it's short? This year, having spent a lot of time focusing on happiness and positivity, I've learned how to enjoy life more. I've learned how to spend more time in the moment, doing the things I want to be doing (like writing this blog!) and it's made my life so much better. Enjoying life is one of the best things I can continue doing, both for myself and for the sake of those around me. 

Keep learning. Learning is one of my favorite things to do and, though I'm no longer a student, I still find ways to learn. I read and write and listen. I learn more about myself and about other people every single day. Sometimes all of this learning is tiring and can feel overwhelming, but I don't know where (or who!) I'd be without it. I hope that for 2010 -- and for the rest of my life -- I keep learning more about myself and the world because I really do believe that new knowledge makes me a better person. 

Be passionate. I've always been a passionate sort of person. No matter what I'm doing, if I'm into it, I'm into it. If I really care about something or love a task, I will put my whole heart into it and give it my all. In the past, I was passionate about some things that weren't so good for me, but in 2009 I started using that passion in a positive way and I'm looking forward to find new, positive things to be passionate about in the upcoming year. 

Celebrate others. I'm the card-giving, thank-you-writing type. I try to remember the little things and I honestly feel amazingly happy when something good happens to someone I love or care about. I do my best to celebrate others and, over the past year, I've really tried to look for the good not only in those I love but in everyone. (Not easy, but really useful if you're trying to live a happier life.) When I celebrate others, I feel happy and I want to keep up that happy feeling in 2010. 

While looking through an old journal the other day, I found a set of resolutions and I was shocked at howI generic and stereotypical they were. Things like "Lose 10 pounds" and "Shop less" and "Stop drinking" are things that seem silly to me now -- not because they aren't good goals, but because they aren't the kind of goals I now set for myself. Even more shocking to me was the heading above these resolutions: "Resolutions I Wish I Could Keep." Wow. How little I believed in myself, with a title like that! Since the year I wrote those, I've done all of those things and so, so much more. When I re-read those resolutions and the title that pathetically rested above them, I felt sad. I felt sad for my old self, who didn't know that in a few short years, she would be truly, honestly happy and doing things that made her feel like a positive, useful person. I wish I could go back to that January 1st and tell the girl writing in that journal what her life would be like at the turn of the decade, to let her know that she will be happy and she will be productive and she will be doing so many of the things she'd always dreamed about. Of course, we can't go back. We can only live in this moment. 

In this moment, I am so thrilled that I can look back on 2009 and, instead of thinking about all of the horrible things I did or all of the habits I desperately need to change, I am writing about all of the things I want to stay the same. I never in a million years thought I would launch a new year with all of the things I liked about the year before. Of course, I can think of things I want to change or goals I want to set for myself, but, generally speaking, I am pretty happy with 2009 and all of the wonderful (sometimes mystifying) changes I went through. While I'm tempted to look to the future and think of all of the things that could (or should) happen in 2010, I'm going to stick to one of my stay-the-same resolutions today and stay present. I have a lot of hope for 2010, but today, this moment, is all I can be certain of so I'm going to focus on today. I'm going to live in the present, positively.     

we are snowflakes: how to celebrate uniqueness in others

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"And here comes the snow... A language in which no word is ever repeated."

William Matthews

Over the weekend, the sky was filled with falling snow. It was the most snow I'd seen in a long, long time and the area where I live declared it a blizzard. Where I'm from, we get snow, but blizzards are rare. Watching all of those snowflakes fall down, I was reminded of a book called Snowflakes that I once picked up in the bookstore. I recall picking up the book and flipping through it, utterly fascinated by the images of snowflakes, each unique and each so magically beautiful. (Today, after going to Amazon to grab the link to this book and checking out once again, I decided to order it. I rarely buy things for myself this close to the holiday, but I couldn't resist its beautiful images...) I can remember standing in the aisle, holding that book, and thinking, "Wow. This really is amazing." We're all pretty familiar with the idea that all snowflakes are unique, but seeing them in all of their unique glory really hit home for me. (If you haven't already clicked on the link, check out Snowflakes on Amazon and "Click to Look Inside" to see some of the images from the book.) I've always known snowflakes were unique, but seeing them really makes it more real. 

And, of course, it brings me back to that analogy between snowflakes and people that implies that we, like those little flakes of snow, are all unique. While there are so many similarities between us as people (which can be a great thing!), we really are all so unique and, when you think about it, that's pretty amazing. There are so many people -- just like there were so many snowflakes in the blizzard I saw this weekend! -- yet we're all uniquely who we are. It's so cool to think about it that way, but sometimes it can be overwhelming. How can we be unique and still keep our connection to others? How can we, like snowflakes, come together to make the world more beautiful? When you think about how rarely we really see an individual snowflake, how we see them falling from the sky in clumps, clinging to each other, we really can see how much we are like them. We are unique, but we want to be together. We need to be together. 

This is a concept I've often struggled with. For the most part, I've had the desire to be different. I've always wanted to be unlike anyone else (though, in high school, I'll admit that I bought in quite heavily to that whole conforming thing). To be compared to someone else has always been irritating to me. Even when it's been complimentary, I always think to myself, "I'm nothing like that person. I'm me." Perhaps that's one reason I clung so much to that Snowflake book. I wanted to be a snowflake. I wanted to be so unlike anyone else. Just like a snowflake, I wanted to be something that could be examined very closely without it being at all difficult to tell how I was different from all of the others. 

It's so easy to place ourselves and others in boxes. It's so easy to define each other by appearances or skills or qualities. We want that, I think, because it makes us feel like we've got people figured out. It's always so much easier when we can describe someone simply. Think about how much easier it is when you can say to someone, "Oh, she's really nice. You're going to like her," rather than those times you have to say, "Well, she's nice, but... She can have a bad attitude sometimes. But usually she's nice. Most of the time. Don't worry, you'll like her." When people are easy to figure out -- when we can put them neatly into a category like "nice," we like that. We want to be able to simplify things, and I get that. It makes things a lot easier, and who doesn't love easy? 

Unfortunately for us, when we get down to the heart of it, we can't really put people as neatly into boxes as we'd like to. People are more complex than that. People are more unique than that. Even the nicest person in the world can be mean. Even the most horrible person can be sweet. (For more examples, think back to 1998 and check out Everlast's "What It's Like," with lyrics that go something like, "I've seen a rich man beg/ I've seen a good man sin/ I've seen a tough man cry/ I've seen a loser win/ And a sad man grin/ I heard an honest man lie") As you can see from these lyrics (and thinking about examples you've probably seen in your own life), you know it's not always that easy to compartmentalize people. Every person, every situation, is unique -- and instead of trying put people into categories, we should embrace them for who they are. 

Just like when I was flipping through the book filled with page after page of unique snowflake images, it can be overwhelming to see everything as separate and independent and so, so different. We want things to be in categories so we can understand them. We like to be able understand things and sometimes we come across things or people that just don't fit into categories. When this happens, we can feel overwhelmed. But what if we stopped having categories? What if we realized that we could all be uniquely who we are all the time and that we didn't have to fit into anyone's categories (even our own)? What would that be like? Scary, yes. Overwhelming, yes. But also liberating. 

What would it be like if we came across people the way we might an exotic animal? What if we assumed nothing and waited to learn about them, waited to hear what they had to say about the world instead of making assumptions based on their appearance or our preconceived notions of what a human of their age/type/race/gender/ethnicity/religion/etc. should be like? What if we started out with every new person we met as a completely clean slate? What if we truly saw everyone for the unique person that he or she is? If we stopped comparing and contrasting and realized that, no matter how hard we tried to categorize someone, he or she would only fully fit into one box -- his or her own -- the world would be a lot better. We wouldn't be assuming people should act or be a certain way. We wouldn't be judging others with the harshness that can sometimes jump so readily ahead of even our most kind thoughts. 

7 Ways To Celebrate Uniqueness In Others

1. Have an open mind. It's easy to focus on what's familiar to you and to look for things that you have in common with someone else, but, when you open your mind up a little bit you might find that someone's differences are much more apparent and those differences can be pretty great. Embrace the ways your mind can help you see someone in a new light. 
2. Think independently. Of course it's easy to go with the flow and go along with what other people are doing. If you hear from someone else that a person is negative, for example, it's easy to start thinking of that person that way. But stop for a minute and think about how unique people are, you'll probably realize that it's best to assess others for yourself and find out what's really going on with them. 
3. Avoid harsh judgments. Sometimes I find it so tempting to label someone very quickly after only one or two interactions, but it's never a good idea to jump quickly to assumptions. Additionally, it's never a good idea to judge others harshly. Most situations and people are not as simple as we'd like to think they are, which is always something you should keep in mind.
4. Stop stereotyping. Stereotypes make it so easy for us to put people in boxes. They make it easy for our minds to think they understand someone, but, while we can't deny that there must be some reason for stereotypes, it's pretty safe to say that using them is a bad idea if you're trying to celebrate someone's uniqueness. 
5. Look below the surface. When you meet someone for the first time, it can be so easy to make quick judgments based on appearance alone, but think about how that would make you feel. Would you like to be judged based only on your appearance? Aren't you more complex than that? I'm sure you are and so are others. Look below the surface to find their unique traits. 
6. Don't fear the unknown. We are often quick to put others into categories because we are scared of not knowing what they are. We want to be able to understand them, but, really, if we just put them in a box, we're not truly understanding. To celebrate the true unique nature of someone else, you have to get over the idea that the unknown (or unlabeled) is bad. 
7. Seek the positives. Just because something is different or unexplainable to you doesn't mean it's negative. When you're looking at others and trying to celebrate the ways we are all unique, think about the good things. Think about all of the ways it benefits us as people for us all to be unique. All of our differences are awesome and it's so important to see the positive in them. 

We are all snowflakes. We are all independent of one another and, though we are drawn to one another, and may even have similar designs, we deserve to be seen as independent, distinct creations that cannot ever be 100% defined. Like snowflakes, we are changing. We are snow and ice and water. We are like each other in many ways, but we are never the same. I cannot stress enough how important it is to remember this, to know that, though it may seem like you've seen a "type" of person before, you should never assume that you know everything about him or her. He or she, just like you, is unique and it is this uniqueness that makes us all so amazingly awesome. Don't forget about the uniqueness in others and, just as importantly, don't forget about the uniqueness in yourself. Cliche as it might seem, you really are unique. There is no one -- and never, ever will be anyone -- just like you. I don't know about you, but I think that's pretty cool. Embrace your uniqueness and celebrate it every day and in every way you can. 

How do you celebrate the absolute awesomeness of being uniquely you? 
What tactics do you use to remind yourself that others are unique? 


   

the best ways to embrace solitude

 (♥)

"I love to be alone. I never found the companion
that was so companionable as solitude."

Henry David Thoreau

Personally, I enjoy being alone. I take great pleasure in a lot of things that involve spending time by myself, such as reading and writing. However, for some people being alone can actually be really tough (especially around this time of year when everyone gets all couple-y and spends tons of time with friends and family...). Some people feel as if they need to be with other people all the time. This is hard for me to understand since there are only a few people I actually like to spend a lot of time with, but I know that anything in an extreme form -- being alone all the time or needing to be with others all the time -- is likely to have a negative impact on one's life.

Since I try my hardest to push myself out of my usually preferred state of isolation and I know how hard that can be at times, I thought it might be a good idea to think about it from the other side, to understand how hard it can be for those who prefer to spend their time with other people surrounding them to break out of their comfort zones and embrace some alone time. Thinking about it, I began to wonder what it would be like to fear being alone, what it would be like to always feel as if someone else had to be around. I'm pretty sure it's a common thing; after all, people are meant to be social creatures. There's nothing wrong with being social -- in fact, there are many, many benefits to it -- but it's also important to embrace times of solitude as well. 

So, how do you go about embracing solitude if you prefer to be around people? And, even more importantly, how do you go about embracing solitude if you have a lifestyle that requires you to be around a lot of people (such as, say, your kids)? Is it even possible for some people to have solitude in their lives? All of these questions aren't easy ones to answer and I'm not even going to attempt to claim that I know the answers because, for one, I'm not any sort of social interaction expert and, two, I think the answers to these questions depend a lot on the person and his or her lifestyle. All I can do is offer my advice, as someone who likes being alone, on how to enjoy time spent without the noise and distraction of other people around you.

How To Be Alone -- And Like It

• Learn to love yourself. Yes, this is a huge, HUGE request for some people. It's not always easy to be accepting and loving of ourselves, but when you're hanging out one-on-one with yourself, you better like who you're hanging out with. I find that the reason a lot of people don't want to be alone is because they don't like themselves, they don't find joy in spending time inside their own mind. If you want to be okay with being alone, you have to be okay with yourself. Do whatever you can do to get to a place where you love who you are, and then you'll have a great time when you're hanging out with just you!
  
  
• Be fully present with others. When you do have a chance to spend time with others, remind yourself to really, truly enjoy it. If you enjoy the time you're spending with other people, you'll be able to be more open to the idea of spending time alone because you will know that you have not squandered the time you did have with others. It's often easy to get distracted and not really engage fully in social interactions, but I've found that when I but 100% into the time I'm spending with others, I'm a lot happier during the time I'm by myself.
  
  
• Find alone-time activities. Most people don't like to be alone because they have no idea what to do with themselves when they're alone, but, believe me, there are tons of activities you can get involved in that will make your time alone worthwhile. One thing I'd suggest first and foremost is this: don't limit yourself. Okay, you might think you're not a good writer or artist, but when was the last time you actually tried to do those things? Or what about going for a walk or a run? You might not think you're athletic, but that's only in your mind. Try to be open-minded about ideas and, if you really can't think of anything you could do, ask other people what they do when they find themselves alone.
  
  
• Embrace your thoughts. One of the most intimidating things about alone time is that you're alone... with your thoughts. Doing things and keeping busy all of the time is a great way to avoid thinking about things (especially things that might be bothering you!), but it really is a great feeling when you pause and listen to your thoughts without distractions. When you embrace what you are thinking and feeling, you can work towards accepting it and dealing with it. While this might not seem like the most fun thing in the whole world, it's really important to take some time to yourself to think about what's going on in your life and how it's affecting you.
  
  
• Don't judge your solitude. Often when we're alone we think of it as a bad thing. We feel lonely or left out. But, remember, no one is judging your solitude other than you. If you think about it, you'll realize that you have the power to place any label on your alone time that you want to. Want it to be a sad, negative experience? It will be. Want it to be a useful, positive experience? It will be. Whatever you want it to be, it will be. The choice is yours to make your alone time something that makes you happy, more productive, and more fulfilled as a person.

Being alone, especially at certain times or in certain situations, can me tough. I'm not going to, for one second, act like it doesn't suck sometimes to be alone. It definitely can be a rotten feeling. But it is one of those things that can be turned from a negative into a positive with the right attitude. I'm sure there are some of you out there reading this and thinking, "Man, I would kill to have some alone time!" It's important to remember how valuable (and, for some, how rare!) being alone can be. When we have the opportunity to spend time by ourselves, we should embrace it and realize that sometimes solitude is a true gift, an awesome occasion to learn more about ourselves and what we're really all about.

 

Do you like to be alone or do you prefer to be with others?
How to you make use of (or deal with) your alone time?

when you want to cry, laugh instead

  (♥)

Laughing In My Sleep

Though I hate to admit it now, I used to be the kind of person that would wake from sleep crying. I was sad and even my subconscious knew it. Last week, I found myself startling awake and it took me to realize what was happening: I was laughing. Never before had I woken to the sound of my own laughter and I was more than delighted to hear such a happy sound as the first sound of the day. I was also a little bit shocked. Did people actually do this? Did they actually wake up because they were laughing so hard in their sleep? After I eventually fell back to sleep and re-awoke for the day, I brought up the situation to my mom, who replied with, "Oh, yeah, I've probably done that about five times!" Though I was surprised to hear that I wasn't alone in this wake-up-laughing thing, I wasn't all that surprised that it had happened to my mom. After all, if anyone were going to wake up in their sleep laughing, it would be my happy mother. It hit me then, as I was talking to her, that I was becoming more and more like her. I was becoming the kind of person that woke up laughing, not crying. 

While this might not seem like a huge thing, to me it meant the world. It was some sort of proof that all of this happiness I've been feeling isn't entirely created by me in the daytime. There is something deeper to this happiness, something that transcends from my waking to my sleeping state, and that makes me feel profoundly grateful. I remember waking the other day to the sound of my own laughter and thinking, "This cannot be happening." It just seemed to me like such a sign that things really had changed for me, and that they were changed in a more permanent way than I could ever imagine. I wasn't, as I had been in the past, finding happiness outside of myself. I had finally found a happiness that came from within me, a happiness that was, in fact, bubbling out of me in the form of laughter.

When You Want To Cry, Laugh Instead

When I found the image above as I was searching for a picture to fit with this post on laughter, I couldn't have been more elated. It was perfect. Both laughter and tears are responses that we need in our lives -- both are necessary at different times -- but sometimes we really do have a choice between the two. There are times when we could look at a situation and we could just as easily laugh about it as we could cry about it. Before I used to be the crying, woe-is-me type, seeing a situation for the worst things about it. Now, when faced with a difficult situation, I find that it's a lot easier (and less messy!) to laugh about it. Of course there are some situations (like the death of a loved one or a horrible heartbreak) in which only crying will do. But there is that old saying, "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened," that really should be remembered more often. I used to focus on the crying part, but now I can see that laugher is the way to go.

As anyone who has had hardship or heartache in his or her life knows, it's not always that easy to get to a place where you're waking up laughing instead of crying. Emotions are complex things and you cannot force yourself to feel a certain emotion if you really don't want to feel it (and trying to do this really only masks the pain...) so it's important to realize that it's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to feel pain. What's not okay is dwelling on it. There really is -- if you really think about it -- no point in dragging out the sad and mad and unhappy emotions. The only person you're hurting when you do this is you, and I'm sure that's not what you want. You certainly don't want to feel any more pain than you have to, right? So take a deep breath, take a step back, and look for what you can laugh about (or, at the very least, smile about).

You might be surprised that finding something to laugh about (even in the most awful of situations) isn't as hard as you might think. And don't let that guilt hold you back either! It's tempting to think if something is sad or upsetting that we shouldn't still be happy or be laughing, but the only thing you're achieving by having that attitude is holding yourself back from happiness. You deserve to be happy -- no matter what's going on in your life -- and you deserve to laugh. No matter what tough time you're going through, resisting laughter isn't going to help you out. In fact, laughing will really bring you into the moment and will help you to see that positive things in life are all around you if only you take the time to look.

Believe me, I know this is so much easier said than done. If someone had told me a year ago that I would be woken by the sound of my own laughter, I can honestly say I would have called that person a flat-out liar. I would never have believed that it would be possible for someone like me to wake up feeling the utter joy that comes with laughing, but here I am, sitting here and writing about it now, my mouth upturned in a smile just thinking about what it felt like to wake in that strange NYC bed, my body shaking with the happy sounds of laughter. It is possible to get to a point where you feel more like laughing than crying, when, like me, laugher becomes your more natural release. It's not easy, but I'm going to give you some ideas on how to get started.

How To Laugh and Laugh and Laugh

• Surround yourself with happy people. It's pretty hard to be happy and find laughter if you're around negative people all the time. You have to surround yourself with people who bring you up, who make you laugh when you are down, and who support you wholeheartedly. It's taken me awhile to realize that sometimes these people aren't who you think they're going to be. Sometimes the good people in your life are surprising. Sometimes you wish people could be better for you than they are. Nonetheless, it's up to YOU to decide who is good for you and who is not. And don't even pretend like you don't know. If you sit down and really, really think about it, you know whether or not someone is good for you. Still not sure? Ask yourself this: "How do I feel when I'm with this person?" If you generally feel happier and uplifted, this person is a good person for you to have in your life. If not, well, you know what to do...
  
  
• Open your mind up to being happy. For me this was the hardest thing in the world to do. I thought being unhappy was such a part of me that I would never escape it. I thought I had to accept it. In fact, I thought I needed it to be who I was. I didn't think I could be a writer or a creative person if I was a happy person. Well, I can tell you with 100% certainty that that's just not true. I write more now that I ever have and I'm at the happiest point in my life. If you don't open your mind to being happy, you won't allow it to happen to you. I pushed happy away a for such a long time and missed out on so much. Now that my mind is open to being happy, I find happiness in everything (well, almost everything...ha!). If you're open-minded about happiness you'll be able to embrace the happiest things (like laughter!) much more easily.
  
  
• Stop behaviors that bring you down. Listen up! This point is C-R-I-T-I-C-A-L! You have to, have to, have to stop doing the things that bring you down. You will never, ever be truly happy if you have activities or people in your life that are negative for you. And, believe me, people who aren't truly happy don't do a lot of honest, hearty laughing (unless, of course, you're a comedian). It's not easy -- AT ALL -- to give up things that bring you down. It's so much easier to keep doing what you know, what's within your realm of comfort, but remember this: If you don't change, your life won't change. I had to give up a lot of things -- a whole lifestyle of partying, in fact! -- to get to the place I am right now. It was not, and still is not, easy, but it's worth every single second of awkwardness or feeling left out to know that, deep down, I'm truly, amazingly happy. Just yesterday, I said to my friend Blair, "I'm so excited about my new, sober, honest, awesome life!" I wouldn't be where I am today without all of the changes I've made. So if you want to be happy, start changing!  
  
  
• Find yourself a fantastic therapist. Therapy is one of those things that a lot of people have strong opinions about. They usually think it's wonderful and that everyone should be in it or they think it's a waste of time and money. I used to be of the latter group, having had some pretty shitty waste-of-time therapists, but now that I've found a fantastic therapist that works well with me, I'm definitely joining those in the former group! Therapy is hard. Sometimes it really sucks having to deal with things you don't want to deal with. Sometimes it really sucks having to listen to things you don't want to hear. But I know, without a doubt, that I wouldn't be in the place of happy that I am now if it weren't for all of the hours I've spent in therapy since last November. It took many, many years for me to find a therapist that worked for me, but I'm so glad I didn't give up the search. Therapy -- good therapy -- has changed my life and it can change yours too if you find the right therapist for you.

If you want to be the type of person that wakes up laughing, the type of person who can see the good in even the worst situations, you have to work at it. You have to give up your notions of guilt (you deserve happiness!) and the idea that happiness isn't something we should all have all the time. Bad things happen -- oh, yes, they do! -- but that doesn't mean we can't be laughing, still enjoying life, and living every moment to the fullest. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be laughing, but don't forget that it really is all up to you. I didn't wake up laughing in my sleep last week because I just keep doing the things that made me unhappy while surrounding myself with people that brought me down. No, I woke up laughing because I took control of my unhappy state and I turned it around. The laughter I experienced was, for me, a true, honest sign that things really have changed and that, about a year after I started this journey down the path of self-improvement, I am exactly -- and happily! :) -- where I've always wanted to be. 

Want to learn more about me? Check out the interview I did this week over at SuperForest! Read "A Positively Present Interview" by clicking here. (The post was tagged with "celebrity"! How fun is that!?) Even if you don't care to read the interview, you should definitely check out SuperForest. It's an awesome site and one of my newly found favorites!
 

 

looking for beauty in all the right places

 
  
"Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it." 

Confucius 

Today I am celebrating the 2nd month of Random Acts of Kick Arse (RAOKA), a group I'm very fortunate to be a part of. Every month, this group -- which includes Life, Laughs, and Lemmings, The Jungle of Life, Jane Be Nimble, Joy Rebel, and Operation NICE -- joins together to take part in committing random acts over the course of one month. Each month we have a different theme and, for the month of November, the theme was BEAUTY. When the theme was announced, it didn't take me long to figure out what I wanted to do as my random act. I wanted to tell people they were beautiful. Of course, this was a little bit easier said than done when it came to turning this into a random act. While I'm probably confident enough to go around telling random people they are beautiful, I wasn't quite sure how well that would be received. Sure, it works for a friend or family member, but it's not exactly the most natural thing to walk up to a complete stranger and say, "You are beautiful!" (Though, now that I think about it, I would love if someone did that to me...)

So, after giving it some thought, I decided to put my random act into words. Being the writer that I am, putting things into a written form is usually my best bet so it seemed fitting that I should use this tactic for this month's RAOKA theme. I decided to create little sticky notes (see the pictures in this post) with positive, beauty-focused sayings on them. I created a bunch at one time and carried them around with me everywhere, posting them in random places like bathroom mirrors or checkout counters or even on cars. I'll admit I often felt a bit guilty about it (was I littering? did people even want to read these little signs of mine?), but overall it felt great. I would imagine the next person to come by and see the sticky note smiling at it. It made me feel great to know that maybe someone was seeing it and it was making his or her day better.

Of course, posting these around town gave me some time to think about beauty and what it really means. It's interesting when you look at beauty all over the world and see how different cultures think about beauty. Different cultures have different standards of beauty, which makes it a very tricky thing to define. More important than defining, however, is realizing that we all possess it. We are all beautiful. I know, I know, that sounds incredibly hard to believe. Most of us have been taught that some things are beautiful and some things are not, but that's not true at all. What's true is that everything -- everything! -- has beauty in it. It's just a matter of looking for it...

Looking for beauty in everything isn't always easy. We've been taught to believe that certain things are   beautiful, which makes it difficult to find everything beautiful. But I really do believe that beauty is everywhere, in everything, and it's up to us to open our eyes and look around to see it. Like most things worth doing, looking for beauty in everything can be difficult at times. We don't always know how to see it. We don't always want to see it. But it's there. It's always there. And I'm going to share with you my ideas on how to find it.

How To Find Beauty Everywhere

• Be present. If you pay attention, you're likely to realize that there really is beauty all around you. Yes, sometimes it's harder to see, but it's there and you're never going to be able to see it if you don't look around. So put that Crackberry down and look around. See the beauty!
  

• Be open-minded. When you're looking around for all of that beauty, remember to keep an open mind. It's pretty hard to see true beauty if you're focused on the ideal standards that you've been inundated with your whole life. Trying looking at things from a fresh point of view and you'll see beauty everywhere!

• Be positive. Of course, if you're looking for things not to be beautiful, you'll certainly see the ugly in them. So be positive! Focus on the good, even if it's a tiny little bit of good, and you'll start seeing more and more beauty in everything. Look for beauty and you will find it.

• Be hopeful. Sometimes all you need is a little bit of hope to realize that there really is beauty in everything. Just like when you look for good, you find good, when you have hope that you'll see beauty in someone or something, you will. It's all about believing that there really is beauty all around us.

• Be generous. It's easier to hold back sometimes, to want to refrain from labeling something or someone as beautiful. We tend to think of beauty as something that's rare and that "beautiful" is a word that should be doled out sparingly. But that's just silly! There's no limit to how much beauty there can be in the world.

• Be creative. Yes, sometimes it takes a little bit of creativity to see the beauty in something, but I know you have the power to be imaginative and inventive and to realize that beauty doesn't have to come in a traditional package. Being creative will help you to recognize beauty you might not normally see.

As you can see, searching for beauty in everything can require a lot of work. However, in my opinion, it's an important activity because seeing beauty in everything makes life better. Just think about how you feel when you see something really beautiful. You are in awe. You are moved. You are excited by the possibilities of beautiful things in your life. Now just think about what it would be like to feel that way all the time (or, at least, most of the time). What if you could see the beauty in everything? What if you could be excited by the gorgeousness in every person, place, and thing you came across?

I doubt I'll ever be the type to see beauty in everything, but I'm certainly more aware of it now that I've thought about it and written this post. Just right now I'm staring out my winter at the bare branches of a tree and normally I would think it was boring, bland, a depressing sign that winter is right around the corner. But not today! Today I'm looking at it and I'm amazed by it's beauty, by it's ability to be so stark and tall against the blue background of the sky. I'm impressed by how stoic it looks, how proud it seems, and how, in just a few short months it will begin producing those tiny green buds to tell me that spring is on the way.

So, as you can see, it really is possible to see beauty even when you don't think you'll be able to. It's not easy -- but what good thing usually is? -- but it's so worth it when you realize that you can look around you and see beauty everywhere. With that attitude, you can go through life seeing the good, seeing the beautiful, in everything. You can then share those thoughts and feelings with others, causing a ripple effect in which more and more people are seeing the beauty around them. Take the time to look at things around you today and see if you can see the beauty that surrounds each and every one of us.

How do you find beauty in your own life?
What are some of the most beautiful things you've seen lately?

 

Reader's Note: Tomorrow I'm off to celebrate the beauty that is New York City. Since I'll be hitting the Big Apple hard over the next few days, I won't be responding to comments on Thursday, but I WILL be reading them so feel free to share your thoughts on beauty in the comments section. And if you're looking for more to read today, check out my guest post on Urban Monk, "Finding Peace in Happiness."
 

 

are the people in your life positive?

The other day I came across the image above and that quote really struck me. Of course I don't want to be sad. I'd rather be happy with everyone, but, as we all know, that's not always the way the world works. When I read this quote, I really got it. I really felt it -- that realization that it's so important to surround ourselves with the right people. Sometimes the wrong people make us happy -- or, at least, we think they do -- but that doesn't mean they are right for us. It's probably pretty likely that if we're going to have someone in our lives in a significant way, we're going to experience happy times and sad times with that person so wouldn't we rather experience those things with the right people? 

The people we surround ourselves with are so very important. Sometimes we become so used to and comfortable with the people in our lives that we don't stop to think about whether or not they are really positive influences. Over the past year or so, I've really been looking around me and trying to understand why some people are in my life and others are not. I've given a lot of thought to who I surround myself with because I really do believe that others affect us in ways we cannot necessarily recognize. Sometimes we are so close to others that we don't necessarily see them for what they are. Like being up close to a painting -- you might be able to see all of the colors, but you're not necessarily getting the big picture. 

And the big picture is pretty important when it comes to those who are close to you. You need to be able to see them for what they are because, whether you want to admit it or not, they're influencing you. For that reason, you have to pay attention. You have to really take a conscious step back and assess them. This can be a lot harder than it sounds sometimes, especially when it comes to people that you feel very certain about. However, just because you are examining your relationships with others doesn't mean that those people are going to prove themselves to be bad for you. There's nothing wrong with taking a look around and assessing what type of impact others are having on you. In fact, it's pretty imperative if you're striving to have a positive life. 

If you want to have a positive life, you have to have positive people in your life. So ask yourself this right now: Do I have positive or negative people in my life? Most of us, if we're being completely honest with ourselves, will find that we have a mix of both. It's pretty hard to have every single person in your life be a positive influence on you, especially when, in many cases (like work and family) we don't always get to choose every person we interact with. Yes, there are some situations where you will be required to spend time with someone who is more negative than positive, but, for the most part, we have a choice. Just as we can choose happiness, we can also choose to surround ourselves with those that make us happy. 

I bet you're wondering how you know if you're surrounding yourself with positive people. Trust me, I know this this hard to figure out sometimes. It's so easy to just assume people are positive influences because, after all, you're spending them with them so you figure that you've made that decision for a good reason. Of course, we're not always as logical as we'd like to be. Sometimes our emotions (and imaginations!) get carried away and we are certain that people are good for us when they are not. Here are some steps you can take to evaluate the people in your life. (Yes, this might feel like you're judging, but don't you have a right to judge those you keep closest to you?)

Is That Person Good for You? 


Step 1: Take a good look around you. So often we get caught up in life in a way that makes it difficult to really see what's going on around us. We begin to take the people in our lives for granted (in both good and bad ways) and we stop really seeing what's happening. Just think about how, if you drive to work every day, you take for granted the route you're on. If you do it every single day, you could probably do it without even looking. People are like this too. If you don't look around and really pay attention, you might miss what's really going on. So open your eyes and look at what's going on around you. And I mean really look at it. Don't just look at what you think is happening. Look at what is happening.


Step 2: Ask yourself (and others) questions. Having done a lot of work trying to change my life over the past year or so, I've come to realize that I really need to pay attention to who I surround myself with. For this reason, I've spent a lot of time asking myself questions about the people in my life. I want to know that they are positive influences on me. Now, I know there is both good and bad in every person so it's not always so easy to say, "Oh, this person is perfectly positive for me!" but there are certain questions I like to ask myself that really help me to get to the heart of whether or not a person is good or bad for me. I like to look at the people in my life and ask myself the following questions:

• Do I like who I am when I am around this person?
• Does this person make me happier or unhappier?
• What kinds of feelings does this person evoke?
• How would I describe this person in 5 words?
• How do your friends/family describe this person?

Step 3: Take a good look at yourself. While it might not seem like the most obvious thing to do, when you’re trying to uncover who is good for you and who is not, it’s important to look at yourself. Look at the person you are when you’re with that other person. Pay special attention to your mind and how you think and feel when that other person is around –- or even when you think about that other person. You can start right now! Think about someone very important to you and listen to how your mind reacts. Are you thinking positive thoughts? Are you angry or sad when you think of this person? Paying attention to how you feel and taking a look at the person you are when you are around or thinking about someone else is critical. You cannot truly understand another’s impact on you if you aren’t paying attention to the way that person makes you feel. Once you start looking at yourself and listening to your thoughts when this person is around you, you will most likely be able to tell whether or not this person brings out the best in you. If you still can’t tell… move on to Step 4!


Step 4: Keep paying attention. One of the most important things you can do when attempting to make sure that the people you have in your life are good for you is to keep paying attention. Sure, you might have done Steps 1-3 and feel pretty good about the person now, but people change and you change so it’s important to keep paying attention. Of course this doesn’t mean you need to be monitoring the person 24/7 or taking notes every time you are around him or her. This means that you need to pay attention to how you feel and have a general sense of whether the person makes you feel better about yourself. Positive people in your life should bring you up and make you feel happy. This doesn’t mean you won’t have conflicts with these people, but you should generally feel as if the people you surround yourself with are looking out for your best interest. Still not sure if you’re dealing with someone who is good for you? Check out Step 5…


Step 5: Get a second (and third!) opinion. While your opinion of the people in your life is very valuable, it’s important to ask around to see what others think. Sometimes we become blinded by various things (comfort, love, etc.) and cannot see people or situations for what they really are. For this reason, it’s important to get an outsider’s opinion (preferably someone who you’ve confirmed is looking out for your best interests). For example, if you find that all of your friends think your boy/girlfriend is bad for you, you’re probably not seeing the situation for what it is and you need to be aware of this. Getting input from someone who is removed from the situation will provide you will a fresh perspective and will allow you to figure out if you’re assessing the person (and the relationship with that person) properly. 
 


After you've gone through these five steps, it should be pretty obvious whether or not a person is a positive influence in your life. If you have any doubts, I'm going to be bold and say that the person probably isn't good for you. As I’ve been looking around my own life recently, really try to find (and keep!) the positive people in my life, I’ve found that it’s really important to pay attention to who you surround yourself with because it can make a HUGE difference on how you live your life and how you feel about the life you’re living. Remember, no matter what, you have the power to keep or remove people from your life and you can really change your world if you rid your life of all of the negative people in it. 

How do you determine if someone is a positive force in your life?
How do you handle a situation when you know someone is more negative than positive?

Looking for more to read? Check out my guest post on The Journal of Cultural Conversation called "A Book of Possibilities" and learn how you can make the most of your possibilities...