positively present

6 tips for staying positive around negativity

 (♥)
 

Last week, a Positively Present reader came to me with some questions that inspired me to write this post. When I received her questions, it dawned on me that she was touching on a very important issue when it comes to being positive: how to deal with the negative people we can't 100% separate ourselves from. Most of us, no matter how positive or present we want to be, have people in our lives that just don't want to do that and can often drag us down. This particular reader is dealing with just that type of situation when she wrote to me (paraphrased from her email): 

 

You mention getting rid of negativity in your life, including people.  How do you deal with this issue, if that person is a family member or someone you will always have in your life? Have you ever felt like this with someone?  Any advice on how I can move forward on this?  Any posts on your site that may help me cope with this situation?

 

When I received her email I knew I had a lot to say on the topic and realized what a great post this would be. This is an issue a lot of people face when they are trying to make their lives more positive and, to be honest, it's something I've faced too. It can be very, very difficult to cut close friends or family members completely out of your life even if they are extremely toxic, filling your space with negativity. Here are some tips for coping with negative people in your life that, much as you might like to, you cannot avoid. 

How to Be Positive When Dealing with Negative People

• Remember: you can control how you feel. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I use that quote when I'm around people who make me feel negative or upset and I change it around a little bit to say, "No one can make me feel [angry/negative/upset/etc.] without my consent." It can be so hard to realize this in the heat of an unpleasant encounter, but we always, always have the option to choose the mindset we want to have. No matter what other people say or do or even how they try to make us feel, we have the power to choose the way we look at situations and, importantly, how we react to them.

  
  

• Value your own thoughts and emotions. The more you value yourself, your thoughts, and emotions, the less someone else can control and manipulate you to feel a certain way. Personally, the older I get and the more I learn about life and myself, the more confident I feel and the less I'm worried about what other people say/do/think. Yes, to some extent I care, but I try to focus on the opinions, words, and actions of those who have a positive effect on my life and worry little about those who bring negativity into my life.

  
  

• Limit your interactions when possible. You have to do what you can to limit your interactions with the people that don't bring you happiness and positivity. Often there are events and functions you don't have to attend and you should avoid those when possible (but don't let those situations create battles between you and your other friends/family member...it's essential to be aware of others' feelings too). If there are things you absolutely can't get out of, you have to go into them with a positive attitude. 

  
  

• Worry only about yourself and what you're doing. When it comes down to it, the only person you have to worry about is YOU. You don't have to worry about what negative people say/think/do. You have to be happy with yourself and you cannot waste time worrying about them or letting them bring you down. No matter how much you might care about the other people in your life, the only person you can really control is yourself so, when faced with negative people, focus on what you can do to make your experience better. You cannot worry about them because, no matter how much you might want to, you might not be able to change their attitudes. Instead, focus on yourself. 

  
  

• Make the choice to be positive. Hard as it is sometimes, positivity is always an option. You can choose to let others bring you down or you can choose to bring yourself up. Every time you are with a negative person, you have the choice to view him/her in a positive light. It won't be easy, but it's always an option. The more I practice being positive on a daily basis and make it an active choice in my life, the easier I find that it is to cope with negative people and situations. I find myself much more willing to be positive in spite of others' negativity -- and you can do that too! 

  
  
• Talk to an objective party. If you're seriously struggling with a situation in which someone's negativity is bringing you down, I'd highly recommend talking to a therapist (or, if that's not an option, a close friend that's removed from the situation). Being able to express yourself to a third party is really crucial in this situation because you don't want to take your feelings out on the negative person or others around you. Seeing a therapist has really helped me to deal with some of the people and issues in my life that I can't completely eliminate.

As anyone who has been in a situation where they are positive and others are negative knows, it can be very hard not to be dragged down into the pool of negativity. But, with the tips I've listed here, you should be able to tackle negative situations and people with a solid set of tools that will help you cope. And If those tips and tricks don't help you, here are some blog posts that might help you cope with negative people that you just can't eliminate from your life:

How To Be A Lion: 7 Steps for Asserting Yourself Positively 

Are the People in Your Life Positive?

Stop Judging: 4 Reasons, 5 Things, 6 Ways

The Emotional Effect: How to Deal with Others' Negativity

How to Break Barriers & Create Connections

relieve big (wedding) day stress: 14 tips to get you through

 (♥)
 

This Saturday my little sister is getting married. After over a year of waiting for the big day to arrive, it's hard to believe it's almost here. I couldn't be more excited for her big day and all of the festivities that come along with it, but, as those who have been in one, had one, or been anywhere near one know, weddings are a lot of work and a lot of work typically means a lot of stress. For me, the maid of honor, things have been pretty good. Mostly I've had to attend events, look nice, smile, and occasionally make some plans for my sister, but generally it hasn't been too much stress for me. However, I know that isn't the situation for all maids-of-honor or those involved in weddings so I've put together a list of idea for relieving the stress of a big day. Whether it's a wedding or a graduation or any other big event, no matter how much excitement there is surrounding it, there's always bound to be an element of stress. Here are some ideas of how to cope with big day stress. 

Tips for Dealing with Big Day Stress

• Get lots of sleep. This seems obvious, but anyone who is facing a big day knows how hard it can be to sleep the night before. Whether it's excitement or nerves keeping you up, it's important to find a way to get some quality rest before the big day. 

• Eat a healthy breakfast. When you're stomach's filled with nervousness, it can be hard to rationalize the benefits of a healthy breakfast, but truly it's the most important meal of the day. Skipping it could lead to feeling weak all day so make sure to grab some grub the morning of! 

• Don't procrastinate. Leaving things to the last minute is a surefire way to cause you to feel panicked. When you're preparing for a big day, try to get as much done ahead of time as possible so you don't have to spend time worrying and fretting over the little things. 

• Ask others for help. No matter what you're facing in life, asking for help is always a good thing. Many people are afraid to ask, but when it comes to a big day, don't be. Asking for help is a great to make sure everything gets done and it cuts way down on stress. 

• Take a time out. Once the big day has arrived, it can be so easy to get swept up in everything that you forget to take a break to just be with yourself. No matter what your role is in a big day event, it's always helpful to take a little break -- even just a few minutes -- to help relax yourself. 

• See the big picture. In the midst of big day festivities, it can be hard not to examining all of the details and focus on the tiny things. But if you take a step back and look at the big picture (in my case, a life of love for my little sis), you'll have a much better perspective when it comes to the day's little mishaps. 

• Do something relaxing. If there are a million things to be done for a big day, it seems like it would be crazy to take some time to relax, but that's exactly what you need to do to make yourself more productive. Plan a spa visit, take a walk, meditate -- do whatever makes you feel at ease!

• Stay organized. Disorganization is one of the main reasons things can fall to pieces on a big day. If you make an effort to stay organized beforehand, you'll be facing much less stress on the big day and you'll have more time to enjoy all of the festivities taking place around you. 

• Deal with your emotions. Big days can come with a lot of emotional baggage and, instead of ignoring or avoiding your feelings, be sure to be attentive to them and recognize them. You are entitled to feel how you feel and if you don't allow yourself to experience your emotions, they'll most likely get the best of you. 

• Take deep breaths. There's usually some sort of mini-crisis when it comes to big days and it's important that, when faced with such a situation, you take deep breaths. Take a minute or two to breathe and get your mind to a place where you can think clearly. Then react. 

• Think positively. No matter what goes down on the big day, it's so, so important to think (and speak!) positively. Quite a few people will probably be in high-stress mode and it is extremely helpful to have someone (like you!) around to see the positive in every situation. Look for the good -- no matter what. 

• Have a back-up plan. A great way to really cut down on stress for the big day is to have a back-up plan. If you're not 100% focused on only one way to do things and you're open to options, you'll be a lot less stressed if something goes awry. Be prepared and keep your options open. 

• Consider other people. It can be very tempting to get caught up in your own situation when it comes to the big day, but take a step back and consider other people and how they might be reacting or feeling. If you do this, you'll be a lot more compassionate of others (and a lot less likely to focus on the "me" aspect of stress). 

• Enjoy the moment. Most importantly, the best tip I can offer is to live in the moment. No matter what's going on during the big day, keep in mind this phrase: "This is it." Most likely, there won't be another big day like this one so take it all in, soak it all up, and be sure to enjoy every single moment. 

 
Even with all of the planning in the world, there are bound to be situations you just cannot predict when it comes to big events. With all of the little puzzle pieces of the day to be put in place, it's no surprise that sometimes a piece or two goes missing. But remember: that's okay. The big day doesn't have to be perfectly flawless to be amazing. The key when it comes to big events is making the most of them -- and that's exactly what I plan to do at my sister's wedding. I plan to make the most of whatever comes my way and focus as much as I can on making sure her day is her dream wedding day. No matter what comes along, I plan on doing whatever I can to make her day as amazing as it can be. 

No matter what kind of big day you have planned, there's bound to be a bit of stress involved. Remember these two things: (1) it's normal to have stress on a big day, and (2) you can manage your stress, no matter how unfathomable that might seem. As I talk about often on Positively Present, you have the power to control how you react and what attitude you choose to have. Whenever you're faced with a difficult or stressful situation, remind yourself that you can choose, at any time, to be positive. That choice can get forgotten when things are hectic and people seem to be panicking and nervous, but it's always there. Choose to be positive and whatever you encounter -- a last minute cancellation, a nervous bride, or a M.I.A. bridesmaid -- you'll be able to handle it. 

 How do you handle big day stress? What tips can you add to this list? 
And, any last minute advice for this maid-of-honor? 
 

  

no more excuses: self-discipline's power to change your life

 (♥)
 

Recently I had a chance to read Brian Tracy's No Excuses!: The Power of Self-Discipline and I have to say, without any hesitation, that this book is a must-read. As I was reading it, I realized that page after page was filled with insights that applied to my life in so many ways. So many of the topics I like to write about and talk about on Positively Present were covered in this book. I had no idea this would be the case, as I was expecting the book to be completely about self-discipline. And it was -- but I learned that self-discipline (something I'd love to be better at but can't say is my strong suit) actually has to do with so many more aspects of life than we realize. In Tracy's book, he argues the point that, in order to succeed in life, you need self-discipline. Not money, not amazing luck -- self-discipline. The book shows readers why this is true (and after reading it, I really do believe it is!) and also how you can achieve personal success, business success, and overall happiness by mastering self-discipline. There are 21 chapters about self-discipline in the book -- on topics ranging from responsibility to leadership to marriage to courage -- and all of them taught me something new about the concept of self-discipline and how it can be applied to my life. 

As I was sitting on the couch, reading the book, I kept reaching for my pen, underlining and underlining the parts that applied to me and that I found interesting. At some point -- about half-way through the book -- I put the pen down because I realized I would just be underlining every other line if I kept noting all of the things that interested me. Today I'm going to share some of my favorite insights from the book here, though, as I said, these are only a few of the many, many useful nuggets of information found in the book. If you're looking for a self-help book of any kind or if you're looking to make some changes in your life but don't know how, this is the book for you. Check out some of the quotes below and keep in mind the the book is filled with wisdom -- and absolutely worth a read. 

Words of Wisdom from Brian Tracy

"Self-discipline is the key to personal greatness. It is the magic quality that opens all doors for you and makes everything else possible. With self-discipline, the average person can rise as far and as fast as his talents and intelligence can take him [or her]. But without self-discipline, a person with every blessing or background, education, and opportunity will seldom rise above mediocrity." 

"Success is possible only when you can master your own emotions, appetites, and inclinations. People who lack the ability to master their appetites become weak and dissolute... Your ability to control your actions, control what you say and do, and ensure that your behaviors are consistent with your long-term goals and objectives is the mark of the superior person." 

"Successful, happy people are concerned with the positive, long-term consequences of their behaviors, whereas unsuccessful people are more concerned with personal enjoyment and immediate satisfaction." 

"The more you practice self-discipline, the better your self-image. You see yourself and think about yourself in a more positive way. You feel happier and more powerful as a person." 

"Success is possible only when you can overcome the natural tendency to cut corners and take the easy way. Lasting success is possible only when you can discipline yourself to work hard for a long, long time." 

"Wisdom can be developed in private, through study and reflection, but character can be developed only in the give and take of daily life, when you are forced to choose and decide among alternatives and temptations." 

“People always tend to behave on the outside consistently with the way they see themselves on the inside... When you see yourself as calm, positive, truthful, and possessed of high character, you behave with greater strength and personal power.”

"Accepting responsibility is one of the hardest of all disciplines, but without it, no success is possible. The failure to accept responsibility and the attempt to foist responsibility for things in your life that make you unhappy onto other people, institutions, and situations completely distort cause and effect, undermine your character, weaken your resolve, and diminish your humanity. They lead to making endless excuses."

"The good news is that, at any time, you can stop thinking about, discussing, and rehashing the past. You can let it go and begin thinking about your goals and your unlimited future." 

"The very act of taking the time to decide what you really want in each area of your life can change your life completely." (Tracy provides an awesome 7-Step Method for Achieving Goals too!)

"Your thoughts create the conditions of your life. When you change your thinking, you change your life. Your outer world becomes a mirror-image reflection of your inner world." 

"You have to make a firm, unequivocal decision that you are going to pay any price and go any distance in order to achieve the goals you have set for yourself." 

  

The quotes above are only a few of the words from the pages and pages of insights that are in Brian Tracy's book. It truly is a great place to find wisdom on how you can change or improve almost any (and every!) aspect of your life. Toward the beginning of the book, Tracy writes, "Your success in life depends more on the person you become than on the things you do or acquire. As Aristotle wrote, 'The ultimate end of life is the development of character.' In these chapters, you will learn how to develop and use discipline in order to become an excellent person. You will learn how to develop greater self-esteem, self-respect, and personal pride." After finishing the book and writing this post, I reflected back on Tracy's words and realized that he is right: Self-discipline really does lead to a more positive life and a better acceptance and tolerance of one's self. That being said, I leave you with this question to ponder... 

 
Tracy argues that self-discipline makes people think of themselves more positively,
 but do you think all forms of self-discipline are positive?
 Is there a line that can be crossed when self-discipline turns from a positive force
 in one's life to a negative (perhaps obsessive...) one? 

life through a clear lens: how to stop distorting your thoughts

 (♥)
 

A photograph is usually looked, 
but seldom looked into.

Ansel Adams

Thoughts are like photographs. We take an image, something that is what it is, and we can change it. We can get closer or farther from it. We can see it in black in white or in color. We can choose to zoom in on a specific portion of the picture. The ideas and images we photograph in our minds can be altered with different lenses. They can be distorted and changed not only by the variety of lenses we are looking through but also by the various ways we develop the the film. Thoughts are amazing. They can be wonderful and useful, but they can also be very far from what is reality (but what, really, is reality?).

Yesterday, I came across a list of thinking distortions. This was posted by Travllr in a comment section on Yahoo! Answers, so I'm not entirely sure who to credit the information to. Travllr noted that David Burns, in his book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, identified the most prominent types of thinking distortions that cause people to upset themselves. I'm not entirely sure if these are his ideas or if he just referenced them in his book. Either way, I'm grateful that I found them. I think I'm guilty of a lot of them and I bet most people are from time to time.

Like taking a photograph, sometimes it's very hard to capture the world, and our interactions with others, as they actually are. It is often hard for us, after images and thoughts and ideas travel through our minds, to have them come out looking the same as they did when they went in. We are all burdened with backgrounds and opinions and life experiences and personalities that affect the way we perceive the world. When you take a moment to think about how different we all are, it's a wonder that we can communicate with each other at all! Take a look at the list of thinking distortions. (Note: I've broken them up a little differently than they were in the comments on Yahoo!) Below each distortion I've written my ideas about how you can avoid each type of distortion to bring clarity and positivity to your thoughts.

13 Thinking Distortions

1. All or nothing thinking.
   Seeing things in black and white; anything short of perfection is seen as failure.
   
   
2. Over-generalization.
   Seeing a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat. 
   
   
3. Mental filter.
   Dwelling on a single negative detail that colors all reality.
   
   
4. Disqualifying the positive.
   Rejecting positive experiences to sustain negative beliefs.
   
   
5. Jumping to conclusions.
   Making negative conclusions not supported by facts.
   
   
6. Mind reading.
   Arbitrarily concluding others are reacting negatively to you without verification.
   
   
7. Fortune telling.
   Anticipating, and experiencing as an established fact, things turning out badly.
   
   
8. Magnification.
   Exaggerating the importance of things.
   
   
9. Minimization.
   Inappropriately reducing the value of things or qualities of others.
   
   
10. Emotional reasoning.
    Assuming negative emotions reflect the way things really are.
    
    
11. Labeling.
    Attaching labels to yourself and others and describing events in emotionally-loaded phrases.
    
    
12. Should statements.
    Motivating yourself with "shoulds" and "should nots" which results in guilt and anger.
    
    
13. Personalization.
    Seeing yourself as the cause for events which you had no control over.

As I mentioned, I stumbled across these accidentally, which just goes to show that you never know what you'll find when you look around! I wanted to share with you what the commenter, Travllr, wrote about these distortions. S/he called these thinking distortions the "little foxes." When s/he is feeling upset due to a thinking distortion, s/he identifies which of the "foxes" is disturbing her and says to that fox, "Shoo!" Eventually, according to Travllr, tranquility returns once the fox has been scared away. So how can YOU scare these distortions away? Keep reading...

How To Stop Distorting Your Thoughts

• Be positive. This sounds simple, but keeping up a positive attitude, no matter what's going on in your life, can really help you to see things more clearly and avoid being trapped by distortion. 

• Be present. Stay in the moment. Think about the now. You are where you are and you are only wasting time if you are focusing on the past (which is over) or obsessing about the future (which might not play out the way you imagine). 

• Be controlling. You can control the way you perceive a situation and the world around you. It's not always easy, but you have have power to think about things the way you want to think about them -- so try thinking about the positive. 

• Be mindful. Be aware of what you are feeling when you are thinking. Sit with your emotions and figure out why you are having them. Once you recognize the distortions and can identify them, you'll be more unlikely to be dismissive of your reactions. Pay attention to what you think.

I'm sure there are tons and tons of ways to avoid distorting your thoughts, but these are the ones that seem to resonate most with me. Don't beat yourself up for having distorted thoughts from time to time; it's hard not to. Think about it like a roll of film (old fashioned, I know!). You take a whole roll, all of your thoughts, and there are bound to be a few that are a little fuzzy or aren't aiming quite where you wanted them to. Being more careful and conscious of how you think should help you create clearer thoughts and clearer thoughts mean better communication with others. Keep adjusting your lens and watching the world from different angles and, before you know it, you'll the get picture you've been looking for.

[Note: Today's post was originally posted in May 2009. To view the original post, click here.]

how to be a kid again

 (♥)

 
 "That’s the real problem with the world; too many people grow up. 
 They forget. They don’t remember what it’s like to be twelve years old again."

Walt Disney 

Today's post was written by Diggy, creator of Upgrade Reality, which is one of my very favorite sites to visit. If you haven't had a chance to stop by his site and learn some great self improvement tips, I would highly recommend doing so. If you want to learn more about personal development, Upgrade Reality is the place to go!

We enter this world as a tiny little baby, with no ability to support ourselves. If we are lucky, then loving parents help us grow up and guide us through our childhood until we are able to take care of ourselves. As little kids, we can be amused by the smallest things like little dolls, plastic toys, swings or cartoons. We spend hours playing in the snow, building lego or going round and round the merrygoround. There is not a worry or care in the world and time just flies by. Then school finishes... 

Maybe we go to college or university or maybe we have to find a job and start working. Either way, at this stage of our lives, the responsibilities start piling up. Maybe very lightly at first, but as the years go on, they become heavier. We get sucked up into the real world, with work and stress. Deadlines, projects, tasks, impossible chores. Some of us can go through life without taking anything seriously, and some of us just become a slave of our own prisons (jobs, homes, relationships or whatever it may be). 

We Forget What It's Like To Have Fun 

We forget what it's like to be a kid and have fun the way that they do. Maybe we think that it is no longer possible to have that care-free fun. Sometimes when we happen to see kids in the playground or having fun with their friends, it reminds us of those days when we were kids, and we wish that we could have fun like that again. I think that it is entirely possible to have that carefree fun without a worry in the world the way that kids seem to have it when they are playing. I also think it is wise to realize that you do not really want to be a kid again. 

What you want is your life right now, the way you live it, but with a bit of that carefree fun like when you were a kid. I wrote this post because recently I have experienced a few of those moments where I spent hours being amused with small little things and it made me feel like a little kid again, carefree and not a worry in the world. It snowed. Yep, everything was covered in a thick layer of white powdery stuff. Since I live in South Africa, it never happens that there is snow in the street, and it was a couple years since I had been in the snow. I spent hours making and throwing snowballs, building snowmen, tackling down other snowmen and just walking in the snow.

4 Ways To Have Loads of Fun 

For those of you who live in the snow and see it all the time, it may not be the thing that is going to let you feel like a kid again. But don't think that you are too old to do that kind of thing. If you want some more ideas of things that you can go out and do right now to have fun and be like a kid again, try some of these on for size: 
 

• Fireworks: For the little pyromaniac inside you. Blow things up, enjoy the loud noises or simply set the sky on fire with sparkles, colors and pretty explosions. In most countries this is only allowed once a year on New Year's eve. 

• Amusement Parks: The ones you used to go to as a kid, with rollercosters and all sorts of fun rides. I'm willing to take a guess that you haven't been to an amusement park in years?! Go with your girlfriend or boyfriend or even with a whole group of friends. There is food, music, entertainment and lots of fun rides. You'll have a blast. 

• Sand Castles: The beach can be fun again too. Dig a whole, build a sandcastle or a fort and try not to let your friends destroy it while you are building it. 

• Paintball: It does not matter if you have never shot a gun before or that you don't think you would make a good soldier. Paintball is crazy fun for people of pretty much all ages, boys and girls. Get a whole group of friends and find a place that offers paintball games. Sometimes it's in a forest, sometimes a building, sometimes the dunes. Enjoy shooting your enemies and covering their clothes in paint splatter. 

Today I Will Have Fun

I don't want you to avoid your responsibilities, or hide from them. Be an adult and do your work, chores and be responsible for your own actions. What I am saying is that every once in a while you set a day for yourself where you are going to go out and have fun. On that day, you are not going to worry about anything, and you are just going to have fun with the people you care about. Indulge yourself fully in the activity that you are doing and enjoy it to the max. A day like this will break up any stress or worries for a while and help you to focus on your work better. This way you get the most out of your entire situation. Enjoy life and have fun. 

This post was written by Diggy. Diggy writes about personality development at his blog UpgradeReality. If you are looking for motivation, inspiration or useful tips to live a better life, subscribe to his articles via RSS or Email.

the power of a "power break"

 (♥)
 
"The time to relax is when you don't have time for it."

Sydney Harris

Today I'm going to spend some time enjoying a "power break," as Topi talks about in this post. While I'm relaxing, enjoy reading this great post filled with suggestions on how you can make the most of a power break. This guest post is written by Topi, who blogs at topi-tour. Topi’s goal is to change her life for the better in 2010, and at topi-tour she writes about how she’s achieving that and the lightbulb moments she’s had along the way. Visit Topi’s site to read more about her journey so far!

I was looking at a friend’s vacation pictures the other day, and I realised that it’s been 5 years since I last went on vacation. In this time my husband and I have moved house and grown our family from one child to three, I’ve changed jobs, and my husband has started a business that requires his almost constant attention...so it’s been a bit difficult to get away. However, I recognise that it’s important to have a break from life every now and then. I know that I really benefit from the chance to pause, recharge my batteries, refresh my perspective, and regain my focus. So, when the opportunity arises, I like to take what I think of as a “power break”, a mini-vacation, a brief interlude during which I make a conscious effort to rejuvenate either my body or my mind (and sometimes both!). Here are 5 of my favourite power breaks:

5 Power Breaks
  

1. A visit to the day-spa: When I’ve been working particularly hard I love to treat myself to a massage, a facial, or a pedicure. It’s a wonderful way to reward myself for my hard efforts, and as a wife and mother I spend quite a bit of my time looking after others so I really appreciate the opportunity to have someone look after me for a little while. The tranquil environment is perfect for letting go of negative energy, and I always leave feeling more calm and at peace with myself. 

2. Going to the movies: In my house we generally only watch movies that are G rated and animated (over, and over again!). So, when there’s a movie I really want to see, I like to savour the anticipation of waiting for it to be released and looking forward to going to the local cinema to watch it. Those few hours of darkness are a complete escape for me, and getting a glimpse at someone else’s life can be a great way of putting your own into perspective. Plus, I don’t have to share my food or drink with a small person...

3. A day trip to somewhere fun: I love to pack a picnic and go out for the day with my family. My husband has a particular knack for finding interesting festivals for us to visit, but the kids also enjoy a ride on the train or ferry, a visit to the museum, or an afternoon at the local park or swimming pool. There’s something about spending precious time with my family that reminds me of the importance of truly being in the moment.

4. Coffee with a friend: As our lives have become busier, and we’ve moved away from each other, my friends and I have found it more and more difficult to catch up regularly. While we keep in touch by email and text, there’s nothing quite like getting together in person. This may only happen a couple of times a year but when it does it’s an excuse for coffee, cake and the opportunity to talk ourselves hoarse. Through their candid conversation and genuine interest in each other’s lives, my friends enrich my life and keep me grounded.

5. A cup of tea and a good book: On very rare occasions I find myself with an empty house and a spare hour or two on my hands. When that happens I fight the temptation to clean the house or do paperwork and instead I sit down, put my feet up and enjoy a cup of tea and a good book. It’s my personal definition of complete bliss. I’m sometimes surprised to be reminded of how much I enjoy my own company.

The many challenges of balancing work and family life mean that my days are long, tiring, and always rewarding. I absolutely enjoy having a busy life, but regular power breaks give me the chance to pause, catch my breath, regain my energy, and reflect on how blessed I am. These are just a few of my favourite power-breaks.

  What about you?
 What are your favourite ways of taking a break from life?

The post you just read was written by Topi, author of the site topi-tour. Topi’s goal is to change her life for the better in 2010, and at topi-tour she writes about how she’s achieving that and the lightbulb moments she’s had along the way. If you enjoyed this post, you can visit Topi’s site to read more about her journey so far.

the emotional effect: how to deal with others' negativity

 (♥)

The other day as I was sitting in a meeting I could, for the first time, fully appreciate the phrase "you could cut the tension with a knife." Everyone in the room was nervous, tense. There were anxiously rapid eye movements, toes tapping, and legs jiggling. There were people shifting in their seats and shifting the tones of their voices. It was intense -- and it was stressing me out. I thought to myself, "How in the world can I be positive in this situation when everyone in this room is so anxious?" I'd gone into the meeting with a perfectly calm, perfectly upbeat attitude, and suddenly I'd felt my good mood draining. I had to find a way to deal with the situation before I became a finger-tapping, voice-raising mess.

I'm sure you've been in similar situations -- situations in which everyone in a room is in a much different state of mind than you are. If the energy of others is negative, it can really affect you. I, for one, am quite prone to picking up on the tone and mood of others and I know it can change my mood completely when someone else is in a negative place. When I found myself stuck in this meeting, I realized that there had to be a way to stay where I was (I didn't have much choice at that point) while still staying calm. Here's what I did...

How To Cope With Others' Negativity

• Focus on yourself. As I was I was sitting in that meeting, nearly going crazy from all of the tension I could feel floating around the room, I thought to myself, "How do I bring this back to me? How do I get away from the emotions of others and focus instead on my own emotional state?" I began asking myself the following questions: How are you feeling right now? How is your body reacting to the emotions of others? How do you want your body to react? What do you really think of the situation? How can you focus more on your own thoughts and less on the reactions of others? Once I started asking myself these questions and redirecting my focus to myself instead of to the others in the room, I began to feel a lot better. I realized that I was actually feeling just fine and that I couldn't let their negative energy take away from my pleasant mood.
  
  
• Use a mantra or phrase. A lot of people find it very helpful to have a key word or phrase that they can use whenever they're feeling stressed out. I've found that this usually works for me. I try to focus on whatever I want to be -- such as calm or positive -- and repeat the word to distract me from whatever negative situation is going on around me. It can really help you focus on what's happening within you (rather than external factors) and gives you a way to center yourself. Another way to do this would be to take deep, calming breaths (though this is a bit harder when you're in a situation like a meeting; it's hard to take deep breaths in a board room without looking like you're hyperventilating...). Repeating a mantra (in your head) or taking deep breaths can really help you to focus and calm down, guiding you away from negative emotions around you.  
  
  
• Remove yourself mentally. When you find yourself in a tough spot, sometimes you have to remove yourself from the situation mentally. While I'm not for avoiding negative situations all together (see Monday's post on the 3:1 ratio), I do think sometimes you have to give yourself a break and let your mind vacate certain situations. If you can remove the negativity from yourself by removing your mental state from the negative place you've found yourself in, you'll probably gain a lot more clarity about the situation and how it's make you (not others) feel. If you're tremendously bothered by a situation, sometimes it helps to remove yourself from it (even if you can't do so in a physical way) by doing your best to think of more positive things. I'm not suggesting you tune out every time you have to deal with something hard, but if the negativity of others is overwhelming you, sometimes it's okay to take a mental time out.
  
  
• Realize it will end. In my experience, I've found that it's essential to remember that the difficult or negative situation you find yourself in will eventually end. As obvious as this might sound, it's so important to keep that in mind as you make your way through whatever the situation is. By reminding yourself that this situation will, at some point, be over, you're giving yourself the opportunity to keep the particular situation in perspective. When you're surrounded by negativity, it's very important to put it in perspective because, as you know, keeping it in perspective will help you keep your cool -- even if no one else in the situation seems to be able to.

Of course, it wasn't all that easy to do these things. It can actually be really difficult to remove yourself from the emotional states of others. I'm sure you've all heard of "the butterfly effect" and I think of this emotion transfer as very similar to that. One person's emotional state can have a ripple effect that travels from person to person. For example, let's say someone in that meeting I was in was very tense and then I became tense because of that. I could take my tense-ness out of the meeting and make someone else tense too. See how that works? It could go on forever that way if we don't make an effort to keep a safe distance from the emotional states of others.  

On the flip side, it's important to remember that you can also catch the positive emotions coming from others so if you want to be more positive, surround yourself with people who are positive! You can't always choose who you surround yourself with (for example, at work), but often you do have a choice. If people are bringing you down and making you feel negative, you need to really think about the purpose of those people in your life. If someone is an overall drain, you're probably better off without him or her. However, if you just find yourself in a bad situation or with a normally positive person who happens to be in a funk, look to the suggestions above and give them a try. Negativity isn't 100% avoidable, but there are definitely ways to deal with it that will make even the worst situations more productive and bearable.

What do you do when you find yourself in a negative situation?
Do you have any helpful tips for dealing with others' negativity?

guest post: resting in awareness

  (♥)

As a reminder, I'm on a business trip (oh what fun!) until January 18th. In the meantime, I have some great guest posts to share with you... Today's guest post was written by Steven, creator of The Emotion Machine, a great and insightful site you should definitely check out if you haven't already. I've always been curious about how to relax more (relaxing is not my strong suit!) and this post is really great for learning more about how to relax and meditate. There's even mention of lucid dreaming, something I've found fascinating ever since I saw Vanilla Sky. Thank you, Steven, for writing this great post and for helping me work on relaxing! 

At this moment, take a few deep breaths. As you inhale, pay attention to the sensations in your nose, as the cool air fills, and then sits at the bottom of your lungs. Recognize the slight pause before the inhale becomes an exhale. Then, let the air slowly exit through your mouth, feeling the subtle pressures between your lips and noting how the air is a bit warmer then when it had first entered.

This is all that is needed for any meditative practice, but with consistency, this awareness can change your world. The breath shows itself to you. It makes you take a step back, center yourself, and relax those demanding tensions of our earthly existence. For these reasons the breath is a great object to rest your awareness, not just in times of meditation, but also times when we become upset, anxious, or frustrated.

Resting in your awareness is a skill. This means the more you practice the better you become. At first, you may only be able to cultivate a light sense of relaxation, but eventually you will find deeper and deeper realms, including states of pure tranquility and bliss. It is important not to confuse thoughts of relaxation with the relaxation itself. You can make progress by imaging yourself resting in the sun at the beach, or being a light feather as it is swept away by a summer’s breeze, but it is the feelings present inside your body that require your utmost concentration; and this always begins with the movements of the breath.

Focus on the sensations of resting, this keeps the mind bright and awake as the body falls into a state of deep relaxation or light sleep. Don’t be alarmed if you begin to fall into a deeper trance. With practice, you can learn to transcend these states of relaxation and experience wake-initiated lucid dreams (WILD). But the key element here is to focus on the sensations of relaxation. Just how good can your body feel?

Remain still and restful. Keep the breath as your object of meditation. This is the center of your awareness, the locus of control whenever you are cultivating states of rest and relaxation. Practice meditating on the breath and see just how tranquil you can become, if you let yourself. Practice daily and you will get better and better. Always remember, relaxation is a process of letting go, and not something that can be built upon by force or resistance.

Steven is a recent graduate with a degree in Psychology. He is well-versed in the practices of self-hypnosis and mindfulness meditation and he has recently begun a life coaching service that focus on stress-reduction, motivation skills, building creativity, and habit changing. Check out his blog over at TheEmotionMachine.com. 

from fearful to fortunate: do what you don't want to

 

 (♥)

Last night I learned a very important lesson: sometimes good things happen when we do the things we don't want to do. I myself waiting around most of the day, thinking negative thoughts about how I didn't want to do something, only to find out that it was actually the best thing for me to be doing. Take a look at what I wrote before I left and what my thoughts were after to see just how what was seen as a negative experience actually turned out to be a positive one. 

The Before

Right now I am sitting here, dreading something I have to do, something I don't want to do. Has that ever happened to you? I bet it has. I bet you've been sitting there, just like I am here, thinking of how you could get out of it, knowing that you couldn't. Being me, of course I'm sitting here analyzing exactly why it is that I don't want to go and I realize the truth almost instantly: I'm scared. I don't want to break out of my little comfort zone. I don't want to do something that I don't normally do with people I don't normally spend time with. 

What is it with that fear of new things? Some people see a new experience and can't wait to dive into it. More often than not, I hold back, analyzing it until I'm sure it's what I want to do. And even then I'm not always so into it. Sometimes I'm the type of person who makes plans and then cancels because she'd rather sit in her apartment than travel to a new part of the city. Sometimes I'd rather do nothing at all than do something that sparks a fear in me. 

And that's exactly how I'm feeling right now. The negative thoughts are creeping in and I suddenly think of all of the reasons why I shouldn't go tonight. I think of the the rain, the possibility of it being a waste of time, the fact that I'm not feeling so well. I think of the traffic and the TV shows I'll be missing. I think of my preferred bedtime and the tasks I could (but wouldn't...) be crossing off my To Do list. Excuses flood my mind and my brain rationalizes them all. 

I want to escape the fear, but I cannot. I am sitting with it and I have to deal with it. I cannot back out. I cannot say I'm no longer going to go. At this point -- so late in the day -- it is no longer an option to cancel. As much as I try to push the positivity -- "This could be fun!" "This might be really good for you!" "It's something new and different!" -- my negativity continues to push back. I just keep thinking, "I don't want to go. I don't want to go. I don't want to go." 

But I went. 

The After

I just walked in the door from the event I'd been dreading and I'm happy to report that all of the dread and fear were worth it. It was one of the most productive and eye-opening evenings I've had in a long time. I got to sit there and listen to others speak. I got to sit there in silence and just listen. Listening, for me, doesn't come easily. If you couldn't gather from my long-winded posts, I'm a talker. I'm a decent listener, but I'd much rather tell you what I think (sometimes in the middle of what you're trying to say!). 

According to my parents, I started talking at a very early age and people would always think it was odd that I was so small and able to say so much (come to think of it, people still might think this...). Ever since I learned to master language on my own, I've had a hard time just sitting still without adding my thoughts. One of the reasons last night was a great experience because, unlike most conversations I have when I can jump in whenever I want, I had to sit and wait my turn to speak. This gave me an opportunity to be present, to really take in the words of others without rushing to add my own comments. 

Another reason last night turned out to be a positive experience for me was because I had the opportunity to sit down in a room full of people who were dealing with some of the very same things as I am. It was nice to sit and just listen to the stories and the wisdom (which, ironically, was the topic of the evening) of other people who are in similar situations. It was refreshing to finally not feel so alone. It was eye-opening to hear the insights of others, shared so candidly with everyone in the room. 

Though it was past my crawl-into-bed time when I returned, I couldn't sleep because I was pumped up by the words I'd heard spoken all night. I felt revived and excited... and so, so thankful that I'd forced myself to do something out of my comfort zone. I was even more grateful to the wonderful person who went with me because, without her, I don't know if I ever would have made it into that room where, in only an hour, I learned so much. 

The Lesson

Last night I learned a great lesson (one that I should know by now) -- sometimes positive things happen even when we don't expect them to, which just goes to show that thinking negatively doesn't do anything at all. If I had been thinking positively all day, getting myself excited for my evening activity, I would have been a lot happier. I wouldn't have been stressed or wasting time coming up with excuses in my mind. I wouldn't have been feeling the fear of doing something I didn't know if I wanted to do. Instead of stressing, I should have been reading Gilbert's post from Wednesday, The Power of Acceptance: A Path To An Open Heart, and realizing that acceptance was really the way to go. 

Had I accepted the situation for what it was -- just a new experience -- instead of for what I thought it was going to be -- some terrible waste of time that would bore and/or irritate me -- I would have been a lot better off. Now, I don't want to be too hard on myself. It was something that was slightly scary and definitely new. We all have a right to be nervous or scared or uncertain. However, in this situation, I let my negative thoughts take over to the point that I almost missed out on the experience all together. 

On more than one occasion yesterday, I thought about picking up my phone and canceling. Had I let that negativity take over, I may never have been able to experience the feelings I did last night -- feelings I am very grateful to have sitting with me now. I'm happier because I went. I'm more positive because I went. I'm not going to sit here and claim that a single evening changed my life (though, I suppose, it's been known to happen!), but I will say that I am very glad I forced myself to do something I really didn't want to do. 

So, you may be wondering why I'm telling you all about my one-night revelation. I'm sharing this experience with you so that the next time you think you really don't want to go to an event -- either because you're scared or disinterested or uncertain -- remember this post and recognize that, even though it doesn't necessarily seem like the best thing in the world, it could turn out to be a pretty great experience. Try to keep an open mind when you're diving into something new and you might be surprised at what you'll encounter. 

A friend of mine informed me that today is To Write Love on Her Arms Day. What is To Write Love on Her Arms? That's exactly what I asked when I opened the email! To Write Love on Her Arms (TWLOHA) is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery. In an effort to get the word out about this organization, the founders are asking people to literally write "love" on their arms. So, if you can, take a minute today to write "love" on your arm and support the cause. I have it written on my arm right now! If you want to know more about TWLOHA, go to www.twloha.com.

take a vacation (or a staycation!) from your life

 (♥)

"A vacation is like love --
 anticipated with pleasure,
experienced with discomfort,
and remembered with nostalgia."

Unknown

 

Life can be pretty hectic, and it's so important to remind yourself to take a break from time to time. We often (or at least I often) get so caught up in, get so excited by, what I'm doing that I don't remember to take a break. For example, I often spend hours at my computer without getting up to stretch or give my eyes a rest. This, as we all know, is not good. And, in so many other ways, I don't give myself the breaks I probably need to be healthy. I don't usually take a break from doing things (unless I'm asleep) and I certainly don't take a break from thinking (I know, I know I need to start meditating), and, after a while, the lack of a break can take its toll. When it comes to me and taking breaks, I often have to be forced into it. I usually don't think to do it on my own and so it's wonderful when someone else gives me an opportunity to take a break and fit some relaxation into my life.

This week I'm going to (hopefully!) be spending a lot of time relaxing in beautiful, sun-kissed Jamaica. Because I'm sure I wouldn't have arranged such a vacation for myself, I'm very grateful to one of my best friends for getting married in a sunny, distant locale so I have the opportunity to pack my bags and take a mini-break from my always-on-the-go life. Normally I would prepare a nice long To Do list for the trip, crafting a schedule without even realizing it -- but not this time. This time I'm going to relax, to take in the sunshine and just be. Will this hard? Sure! I don't like to just sit calmly. I don't do well with the activity known as "relaxing." But I'm sure going to give it a try on this vacation.

While I'm gone, I'd encourage you to find a way to take a break (even if it's the stay-at-home kind) from your life. It really is important to take a step back from your life and whatever project/job you're absorbed in and just relax. I'm probably the worst at this so I understand that it's difficult. Because of that I'd like to emphasize the benefits of taking a break (to remind myself mostly!) and provide some suggestions for how you can take a break without having to fly to a tropical island (oh, I know, you feel so bad for me, don't you?)...

The Benefits of Taking a Vacation

• Gain a new perspective. There's nothing like being in a new place (even if it's outside vs. inside at your desk) to help you have an new outlook. Staying in the same place doing the same thing gets stale and it's important to take a vacation, even if that "vacation" is just getting up from your desk and going for a walk outside. When you expose yourself to new things, you'll open up your mind to seeing the world differently and this is a really great way to live in the moment.
  
  
• Rest and refresh your mind. Taking a vacation gives you an opportunity to rest your mind, to take a break from your daily routines and allow your body and mind to refresh themselves. It's important to take breaks every now and then in order to allow your mind to have a break. Meditation is a great way to vacate your mind, though I can't say I've actually done it (yet!).
  
  
• Find exciting inspiration. Yes, you can find inspiration anywhere, but sometimes a break from your routine and a new environment can really help to inspire you. No matter what you do for a living, it's pretty likely that when you take a vacation you'll come back with new ideas and insights. One of my favorite things about vacationing is having the opportunity to be inspired by new things.  
  
  
• Experience health benefits. I'm no doctor, but apparently those who vacation reap healthy rewards, such as less stress and fewer heart problems. I don't know if there's scientific proof for this, but I do know that I usually feel great after I've allowed myself to have a nice, relaxing vacation (Note: The relaxing part is key. I don't always do this when I'm on vacation and I end up more stressed than I was when I left. Going to work on that this weekend...).
  
  
• Free yourself from stress. Stress, whether you like it or not, is part of most people's lives. It's hard to avoid some sort of stress (work, school, relationships, etc...), but you can take a break from whatever it is that's stressing you out. For most people, a nice vacation is just the thing to put whatever is stressful in their lives into perspective or, better yet, a break from the stress may inspire you to find a new way to deal with it when you return!
  
  
• Celebrate the moment. There's something about being on vacation that allows you to live in the moment. When you're in your routine life, there are many, many distractions that can take you away from the moment, but often vacations have fewer distracting elements and allow us to really take in the now and embrace every moment. I'm not always the best as being present and vacationing really helps me work on that.

Unfortunately not all of us are lucky enough to have fabulous friends who decide to get married in Jamaica and therefore encourage them to break out of their humdrum routines, but that doesn't mean we can't all reap the rewards of vacationing. During the sagging economic climate, the term "staycation" gained its popularity. People want to do something different -- want to experience all of the great benefits of taking a vacation -- but it's not always affordable (or convenient). If that's the case for you, take a look at my suggestions below for how you can enjoy your very own stay-at-home vacation...



How To Staycation (a.k.a. Vacation without Traveling)

• Pretend you're a tourist. This is one of the easiest ways to take a vacation right in your own town. Pretend you're on vacation there and do all of the tourist-y things that other people do when they come to visit. (If you live in a small town, take a trip to your closest city and try this out.)
  
  
• Spend time doing what you love. More often than not we get so caught up in work and family and friends that we forget to spend time doing what we really love to do. If you can't hop on a plane and vacate your life, at least take some time to do what you love to do.
  
  
• Eliminate work-related distractions. Hard as it might be, turn off your phone and email. There's no way you can operate on vacation-mode if you're constantly checking your BlackBerry (yes, I know, I know, this is so hard for some of us!). Eliminating work distractions can be a vacation in and of itself!
  
  
• Read about far-away lands. As you may or may not know, I'm a HUGE fan of reading. It really is one of my favorite things to do and it can be a great way to take a break from your life. Think about where you'd really like to visit and then pick up a book (novel or nonfiction!) about it and dive it. Yes, it's not the same as going there, but it's still fun!
  
  
• Engage others to staycation too.It's pretty hard to take a staycation when everyone around you is in super-busy, work mode. Try to find a friend or a family member to take part in your staycation with you. Not only will be more fun, but it'll be a lot easier to know that someone else is also vacating their world for a little while too.
  
  
• Stay (of course!) in the moment. This can be hard when you're still in your own home or town, but it's important to act as if you're on vacation. Live in the moment, take things slow, don't rush around like you normally would. Pretend (hard as it might be!) that you are somewhere else and ignore all of the routines and regular tasks you normally fret about.

Because I'm truly trying to separate myself from my life for a few days (not because it's a bad life, mind you, but because it's healthy to do so every once and awhile), comments for this post will be closed. Additionally, comments for Friday's post will also be closed. However, if you enjoyed this post, please feel free to share the link on social media sites such as Twitter (you can follow me @positivepresent) or  StumbleUpon. I hope you all have a chance to take at least a small break over the next few days. Though I know it's hard (trust me, it's like tearing a tantrum-throwing two-year-old from a toy store for me to pull me away from my computer or Blackberry), but it's so worth it to take a break every now and then.