positively present

guest post: resting in awareness

  (♥)

As a reminder, I'm on a business trip (oh what fun!) until January 18th. In the meantime, I have some great guest posts to share with you... Today's guest post was written by Steven, creator of The Emotion Machine, a great and insightful site you should definitely check out if you haven't already. I've always been curious about how to relax more (relaxing is not my strong suit!) and this post is really great for learning more about how to relax and meditate. There's even mention of lucid dreaming, something I've found fascinating ever since I saw Vanilla Sky. Thank you, Steven, for writing this great post and for helping me work on relaxing! 

At this moment, take a few deep breaths. As you inhale, pay attention to the sensations in your nose, as the cool air fills, and then sits at the bottom of your lungs. Recognize the slight pause before the inhale becomes an exhale. Then, let the air slowly exit through your mouth, feeling the subtle pressures between your lips and noting how the air is a bit warmer then when it had first entered.

This is all that is needed for any meditative practice, but with consistency, this awareness can change your world. The breath shows itself to you. It makes you take a step back, center yourself, and relax those demanding tensions of our earthly existence. For these reasons the breath is a great object to rest your awareness, not just in times of meditation, but also times when we become upset, anxious, or frustrated.

Resting in your awareness is a skill. This means the more you practice the better you become. At first, you may only be able to cultivate a light sense of relaxation, but eventually you will find deeper and deeper realms, including states of pure tranquility and bliss. It is important not to confuse thoughts of relaxation with the relaxation itself. You can make progress by imaging yourself resting in the sun at the beach, or being a light feather as it is swept away by a summer’s breeze, but it is the feelings present inside your body that require your utmost concentration; and this always begins with the movements of the breath.

Focus on the sensations of resting, this keeps the mind bright and awake as the body falls into a state of deep relaxation or light sleep. Don’t be alarmed if you begin to fall into a deeper trance. With practice, you can learn to transcend these states of relaxation and experience wake-initiated lucid dreams (WILD). But the key element here is to focus on the sensations of relaxation. Just how good can your body feel?

Remain still and restful. Keep the breath as your object of meditation. This is the center of your awareness, the locus of control whenever you are cultivating states of rest and relaxation. Practice meditating on the breath and see just how tranquil you can become, if you let yourself. Practice daily and you will get better and better. Always remember, relaxation is a process of letting go, and not something that can be built upon by force or resistance.

Steven is a recent graduate with a degree in Psychology. He is well-versed in the practices of self-hypnosis and mindfulness meditation and he has recently begun a life coaching service that focus on stress-reduction, motivation skills, building creativity, and habit changing. Check out his blog over at TheEmotionMachine.com. 

from fearful to fortunate: do what you don't want to

 

 (♥)

Last night I learned a very important lesson: sometimes good things happen when we do the things we don't want to do. I myself waiting around most of the day, thinking negative thoughts about how I didn't want to do something, only to find out that it was actually the best thing for me to be doing. Take a look at what I wrote before I left and what my thoughts were after to see just how what was seen as a negative experience actually turned out to be a positive one. 

The Before

Right now I am sitting here, dreading something I have to do, something I don't want to do. Has that ever happened to you? I bet it has. I bet you've been sitting there, just like I am here, thinking of how you could get out of it, knowing that you couldn't. Being me, of course I'm sitting here analyzing exactly why it is that I don't want to go and I realize the truth almost instantly: I'm scared. I don't want to break out of my little comfort zone. I don't want to do something that I don't normally do with people I don't normally spend time with. 

What is it with that fear of new things? Some people see a new experience and can't wait to dive into it. More often than not, I hold back, analyzing it until I'm sure it's what I want to do. And even then I'm not always so into it. Sometimes I'm the type of person who makes plans and then cancels because she'd rather sit in her apartment than travel to a new part of the city. Sometimes I'd rather do nothing at all than do something that sparks a fear in me. 

And that's exactly how I'm feeling right now. The negative thoughts are creeping in and I suddenly think of all of the reasons why I shouldn't go tonight. I think of the the rain, the possibility of it being a waste of time, the fact that I'm not feeling so well. I think of the traffic and the TV shows I'll be missing. I think of my preferred bedtime and the tasks I could (but wouldn't...) be crossing off my To Do list. Excuses flood my mind and my brain rationalizes them all. 

I want to escape the fear, but I cannot. I am sitting with it and I have to deal with it. I cannot back out. I cannot say I'm no longer going to go. At this point -- so late in the day -- it is no longer an option to cancel. As much as I try to push the positivity -- "This could be fun!" "This might be really good for you!" "It's something new and different!" -- my negativity continues to push back. I just keep thinking, "I don't want to go. I don't want to go. I don't want to go." 

But I went. 

The After

I just walked in the door from the event I'd been dreading and I'm happy to report that all of the dread and fear were worth it. It was one of the most productive and eye-opening evenings I've had in a long time. I got to sit there and listen to others speak. I got to sit there in silence and just listen. Listening, for me, doesn't come easily. If you couldn't gather from my long-winded posts, I'm a talker. I'm a decent listener, but I'd much rather tell you what I think (sometimes in the middle of what you're trying to say!). 

According to my parents, I started talking at a very early age and people would always think it was odd that I was so small and able to say so much (come to think of it, people still might think this...). Ever since I learned to master language on my own, I've had a hard time just sitting still without adding my thoughts. One of the reasons last night was a great experience because, unlike most conversations I have when I can jump in whenever I want, I had to sit and wait my turn to speak. This gave me an opportunity to be present, to really take in the words of others without rushing to add my own comments. 

Another reason last night turned out to be a positive experience for me was because I had the opportunity to sit down in a room full of people who were dealing with some of the very same things as I am. It was nice to sit and just listen to the stories and the wisdom (which, ironically, was the topic of the evening) of other people who are in similar situations. It was refreshing to finally not feel so alone. It was eye-opening to hear the insights of others, shared so candidly with everyone in the room. 

Though it was past my crawl-into-bed time when I returned, I couldn't sleep because I was pumped up by the words I'd heard spoken all night. I felt revived and excited... and so, so thankful that I'd forced myself to do something out of my comfort zone. I was even more grateful to the wonderful person who went with me because, without her, I don't know if I ever would have made it into that room where, in only an hour, I learned so much. 

The Lesson

Last night I learned a great lesson (one that I should know by now) -- sometimes positive things happen even when we don't expect them to, which just goes to show that thinking negatively doesn't do anything at all. If I had been thinking positively all day, getting myself excited for my evening activity, I would have been a lot happier. I wouldn't have been stressed or wasting time coming up with excuses in my mind. I wouldn't have been feeling the fear of doing something I didn't know if I wanted to do. Instead of stressing, I should have been reading Gilbert's post from Wednesday, The Power of Acceptance: A Path To An Open Heart, and realizing that acceptance was really the way to go. 

Had I accepted the situation for what it was -- just a new experience -- instead of for what I thought it was going to be -- some terrible waste of time that would bore and/or irritate me -- I would have been a lot better off. Now, I don't want to be too hard on myself. It was something that was slightly scary and definitely new. We all have a right to be nervous or scared or uncertain. However, in this situation, I let my negative thoughts take over to the point that I almost missed out on the experience all together. 

On more than one occasion yesterday, I thought about picking up my phone and canceling. Had I let that negativity take over, I may never have been able to experience the feelings I did last night -- feelings I am very grateful to have sitting with me now. I'm happier because I went. I'm more positive because I went. I'm not going to sit here and claim that a single evening changed my life (though, I suppose, it's been known to happen!), but I will say that I am very glad I forced myself to do something I really didn't want to do. 

So, you may be wondering why I'm telling you all about my one-night revelation. I'm sharing this experience with you so that the next time you think you really don't want to go to an event -- either because you're scared or disinterested or uncertain -- remember this post and recognize that, even though it doesn't necessarily seem like the best thing in the world, it could turn out to be a pretty great experience. Try to keep an open mind when you're diving into something new and you might be surprised at what you'll encounter. 

A friend of mine informed me that today is To Write Love on Her Arms Day. What is To Write Love on Her Arms? That's exactly what I asked when I opened the email! To Write Love on Her Arms (TWLOHA) is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery. In an effort to get the word out about this organization, the founders are asking people to literally write "love" on their arms. So, if you can, take a minute today to write "love" on your arm and support the cause. I have it written on my arm right now! If you want to know more about TWLOHA, go to www.twloha.com.

take a vacation (or a staycation!) from your life

 (♥)

"A vacation is like love --
 anticipated with pleasure,
experienced with discomfort,
and remembered with nostalgia."

Unknown

 

Life can be pretty hectic, and it's so important to remind yourself to take a break from time to time. We often (or at least I often) get so caught up in, get so excited by, what I'm doing that I don't remember to take a break. For example, I often spend hours at my computer without getting up to stretch or give my eyes a rest. This, as we all know, is not good. And, in so many other ways, I don't give myself the breaks I probably need to be healthy. I don't usually take a break from doing things (unless I'm asleep) and I certainly don't take a break from thinking (I know, I know I need to start meditating), and, after a while, the lack of a break can take its toll. When it comes to me and taking breaks, I often have to be forced into it. I usually don't think to do it on my own and so it's wonderful when someone else gives me an opportunity to take a break and fit some relaxation into my life.

This week I'm going to (hopefully!) be spending a lot of time relaxing in beautiful, sun-kissed Jamaica. Because I'm sure I wouldn't have arranged such a vacation for myself, I'm very grateful to one of my best friends for getting married in a sunny, distant locale so I have the opportunity to pack my bags and take a mini-break from my always-on-the-go life. Normally I would prepare a nice long To Do list for the trip, crafting a schedule without even realizing it -- but not this time. This time I'm going to relax, to take in the sunshine and just be. Will this hard? Sure! I don't like to just sit calmly. I don't do well with the activity known as "relaxing." But I'm sure going to give it a try on this vacation.

While I'm gone, I'd encourage you to find a way to take a break (even if it's the stay-at-home kind) from your life. It really is important to take a step back from your life and whatever project/job you're absorbed in and just relax. I'm probably the worst at this so I understand that it's difficult. Because of that I'd like to emphasize the benefits of taking a break (to remind myself mostly!) and provide some suggestions for how you can take a break without having to fly to a tropical island (oh, I know, you feel so bad for me, don't you?)...

The Benefits of Taking a Vacation

• Gain a new perspective. There's nothing like being in a new place (even if it's outside vs. inside at your desk) to help you have an new outlook. Staying in the same place doing the same thing gets stale and it's important to take a vacation, even if that "vacation" is just getting up from your desk and going for a walk outside. When you expose yourself to new things, you'll open up your mind to seeing the world differently and this is a really great way to live in the moment.
  
  
• Rest and refresh your mind. Taking a vacation gives you an opportunity to rest your mind, to take a break from your daily routines and allow your body and mind to refresh themselves. It's important to take breaks every now and then in order to allow your mind to have a break. Meditation is a great way to vacate your mind, though I can't say I've actually done it (yet!).
  
  
• Find exciting inspiration. Yes, you can find inspiration anywhere, but sometimes a break from your routine and a new environment can really help to inspire you. No matter what you do for a living, it's pretty likely that when you take a vacation you'll come back with new ideas and insights. One of my favorite things about vacationing is having the opportunity to be inspired by new things.  
  
  
• Experience health benefits. I'm no doctor, but apparently those who vacation reap healthy rewards, such as less stress and fewer heart problems. I don't know if there's scientific proof for this, but I do know that I usually feel great after I've allowed myself to have a nice, relaxing vacation (Note: The relaxing part is key. I don't always do this when I'm on vacation and I end up more stressed than I was when I left. Going to work on that this weekend...).
  
  
• Free yourself from stress. Stress, whether you like it or not, is part of most people's lives. It's hard to avoid some sort of stress (work, school, relationships, etc...), but you can take a break from whatever it is that's stressing you out. For most people, a nice vacation is just the thing to put whatever is stressful in their lives into perspective or, better yet, a break from the stress may inspire you to find a new way to deal with it when you return!
  
  
• Celebrate the moment. There's something about being on vacation that allows you to live in the moment. When you're in your routine life, there are many, many distractions that can take you away from the moment, but often vacations have fewer distracting elements and allow us to really take in the now and embrace every moment. I'm not always the best as being present and vacationing really helps me work on that.

Unfortunately not all of us are lucky enough to have fabulous friends who decide to get married in Jamaica and therefore encourage them to break out of their humdrum routines, but that doesn't mean we can't all reap the rewards of vacationing. During the sagging economic climate, the term "staycation" gained its popularity. People want to do something different -- want to experience all of the great benefits of taking a vacation -- but it's not always affordable (or convenient). If that's the case for you, take a look at my suggestions below for how you can enjoy your very own stay-at-home vacation...



How To Staycation (a.k.a. Vacation without Traveling)

• Pretend you're a tourist. This is one of the easiest ways to take a vacation right in your own town. Pretend you're on vacation there and do all of the tourist-y things that other people do when they come to visit. (If you live in a small town, take a trip to your closest city and try this out.)
  
  
• Spend time doing what you love. More often than not we get so caught up in work and family and friends that we forget to spend time doing what we really love to do. If you can't hop on a plane and vacate your life, at least take some time to do what you love to do.
  
  
• Eliminate work-related distractions. Hard as it might be, turn off your phone and email. There's no way you can operate on vacation-mode if you're constantly checking your BlackBerry (yes, I know, I know, this is so hard for some of us!). Eliminating work distractions can be a vacation in and of itself!
  
  
• Read about far-away lands. As you may or may not know, I'm a HUGE fan of reading. It really is one of my favorite things to do and it can be a great way to take a break from your life. Think about where you'd really like to visit and then pick up a book (novel or nonfiction!) about it and dive it. Yes, it's not the same as going there, but it's still fun!
  
  
• Engage others to staycation too.It's pretty hard to take a staycation when everyone around you is in super-busy, work mode. Try to find a friend or a family member to take part in your staycation with you. Not only will be more fun, but it'll be a lot easier to know that someone else is also vacating their world for a little while too.
  
  
• Stay (of course!) in the moment. This can be hard when you're still in your own home or town, but it's important to act as if you're on vacation. Live in the moment, take things slow, don't rush around like you normally would. Pretend (hard as it might be!) that you are somewhere else and ignore all of the routines and regular tasks you normally fret about.

Because I'm truly trying to separate myself from my life for a few days (not because it's a bad life, mind you, but because it's healthy to do so every once and awhile), comments for this post will be closed. Additionally, comments for Friday's post will also be closed. However, if you enjoyed this post, please feel free to share the link on social media sites such as Twitter (you can follow me @positivepresent) or  StumbleUpon. I hope you all have a chance to take at least a small break over the next few days. Though I know it's hard (trust me, it's like tearing a tantrum-throwing two-year-old from a toy store for me to pull me away from my computer or Blackberry), but it's so worth it to take a break every now and then.

being positive under pressure

  (♥)

Life isn't always easy. Okay, it's rarely easy. We all face some pretty big "ouch" moments just by being here and it's not always easy to cope. And, more often than not, it's the painful moments that catch us by surprise. Here's an example of how life caught me by surprise recently... Two days ago, I was sitting at my desk, staring out the window at the beautiful, sunny fall afternoon and thinking to myself, "God, I'd give anything to get out of work right now." Less than fifteen minutes later (as I was trying to convince myself to be productive all while being sucked into the sticky, addictive trap that is Twitter), my phone ran. It was my mom, telling me she and my dad were on the way to the hospital because she wasn't feeling well. Though she insisted I stay at work, I grabbed my purse, alerted my boss, and flew out the door and down the highway to the hospital.

 

Be Careful What You Wish For

On the drive to the hospital, I couldn't help but think back to the words I'd been thinking right before I'd received my mom's call. "I'd give anything to get out of work right now..."That "anything" stung when I realized just what it had taken to remove me from my afternoon of boredom. Driving faster than I should have been, I let my mind wander first to the bad ("Oh my god, what if something's really wrong? What if this is something terrible? Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god...") and then to the good ("I'm sure it's no big deal. I'm sure she's just being extra cautious and she's totally fine. I'm going to get there and she's going to be 100% better").

Looking back, I guess those thoughts were less "bad" and "good" and more "terrified" and "idealistic." Either way, my mind was racing and my heart was beating fast and my fingers were clutching the steering wheel like it was an inner tube in a turbulent sea. As much as I hate to admit it, what I felt most in that moment was alive. I felt truly like I had a definite sense of purpose and that all I could do was be in that moment. My mind didn't wander to work or boys or stupid things like shopping. My mind was focused. So focused, in fact, that I listened to more than one song all the way through on my iPod, something I never, ever do (yes, I have a bit of musical ADD). I was intent. I was focused. I was in the now.

 

Be Positive in the Present (Even When It Sucks)

Of course, this wasn't exactly the now I wanted to be in. I would have much preferred to have been back in that "boring" now, the one where I was sitting at my desk, flipping through notes I should have been reading, clicking from Twitter to Gmail and back again. Driving to the hospital, I would have given anything to have been in a banal moment of a regular day at work rather than hurrying to find out if my mom -- who had been sick for days and who has always had severe asthma, landing her in the hospital on more than one occasion -- was going to be okay. I would have preferred another moment for sure, but I was grateful for the opportunity, at the very least, to use the positive skills I'd been saving up.

For months and months and months I've been working on being a more positive person but, quite frankly, I'm not often put to the test. Not to say that my life has been ideal since I started on this journey of positive thinking -- far from it! -- but I haven't had to face any huge hurdles. You know, situations that would test me and force me to see if I really could be positive when life was throwing lemons at me. And here I was, taking that positivity out for a test drive. Though I was upset (struggling not to cry) and anxious (driving like a mad woman), I still had the power to choose a positive attitude. And, no matter what my mother was facing in that hospital room, a positive attitude was really the only option. I couldn't drag any of my old negativity behind that emergency room curtain. No, I had to put my game face on. I had to embrace the positivity for all it was worth because this was it. This was what a positive attitude was all about.

 

Be a Positive Inspiration for Others

After pulling into an incredibly tiny parking space and rushing into the hospital where I found my mom and dad in hurry-up-and-wait mode in the waiting room, I realized that, though my hands were shaking like a rattling old train car and my heart was fluttering like a moth against a brightly lit window, I could do this. I could see the good in the situation, make the best of whatever we had to face, and I could make my mom feel like everything was going to be okay. After all, isn't that what she'd done for me for the past twenty-six years? Hadn't she always been there, reassuring me that everything was going to be alright? And, more importantly, hadn't she always been right? Hadn't things always turned out okay in the end? I could, just like my mom, put a positive spin on the situation. Or, at least, I could try.

And try I did. I did my best to be cheerful, to offer distractions, and to keep focusing on the positive. Of course this wasn't the easiest thing to do considering the hospital room backdrop (I thought I was going to freak out when, for the first time in real life, I saw a strapped-in, face-masked body being wheeled by on a gurney. Yikes!), but I did the best I could. Even with all of the waiting and the worrying, I think I did a pretty good job staying positive. And even when the doctor, without even looking up from his clipboard, said the much-feared letter and number combo -- H1N1 -- I still managed to be pretty upbeat. After all, I rationalized (or is it realized?), being negative wasn't going to help my mom get any better. The best thing for her would be lots of rest, following the doctor's orders, and having a positive attitude. And how could she have a positive attitude if those around her weren't positive?  

In this situation, it was certainly tempting to see the negative side of things, especially with the way this whole H1N1 thing has been explored in the media, but I made a choice then and there in that hospital room. I was going to be positive. And, though I'd love to be able to tell you that my mom is 100% better, miraculously cured, I do think having a positive attitude -- and surrounding herself with positive people -- really does help. Well, it certainly doesn't hurt. It's important to remember that even when facing some of those "ouch" or "oh no" moments, a positive attitude is one of your best weapons. Hard as it might be to hold on to when you're faced with difficulty, it can make a huge difference not only in your life but the lives of those around you.

 

Be Grateful for the Power of Positivity

Often times people think that having a positive attitude during a difficult time is a sign that you don't care enough or you're being idealistic. I will argue that that's just not true. Of course I care about my mom and don't want anything bad to happen to her. Of course I'm worried and upset and scared by that tiny little virus that's found it's way into her body. Of course I don't take this situation lightly at all. But none of those things are lessened if I have a positive attitude about the situation and firmly believe that my mom will be better in no time. Being positive doesn't mean you're naive or indifferent; being positive means you have the strength to stand up to a negative situation, to courageously refute negativity and embrace the good that lies in the now (even if that now seems pretty shitty).

If this situation had happened a year ago, I bet I'd be sitting at my desk panicky, frantically researching H1N1, and holding back tears. Now, with this positive attitude like a card up my sleeve, I'm calm. I'm relaxed. Of course I'm still worried and nervous and scared, but I know that focusing on those negative emotions won't help me and it won't help my mom either. Instead, I'm trying the best I can to believe that she'll be well soon (Law of Attraction!) and to send positive vibes her way.

Honestly, I'm grateful. I'm really grateful for the positive outlook I'm sitting here with. Like a close friend, it's comforting and reassuring and it makes me realize, for the first time, that I have made major changes in my life and that all of the work I've done to create a more positive mindset really is paying off. Yes, readers. positivity really does work. If you're not already giving positive thinking a try -- and I mean a really, really good try -- I suggest you get started ASAP. There's no time like the present to start thinking positively! 

Worried about H1N1? Remember that stressing about it doesn't make you any less likely to get it. Instead, do what you can to prevent catching or spreading the disease by staying healthy, washing your hands, and avoiding sharing drinks, makeup, etc. with others. For more H1N1 prevention tips, visit the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. 

 

Looking for some more positivity? Recently I've had the opportunity to be featured on not one but two awesome blogs. Yesterday my post "Putting Knowledge Into Action" was featured on Tiny Buddha and today my post "Making a Positive Mindset Your Favorite Accessory" is up on Life, Laughs, & Lemmings. If you have a moment or two, check out these great sites today!

the 9 don'ts of dealing with anger

"For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Okay, I'm not probably not the best person to be writing this post, considering it was just yesterday in therapy that I started to deal with my own "anger issues," but, hey, I figure I can probably learn something from whatever ideas come to mind. After all, sometimes it's the person with the problem that gives the best advice (even if s/he doesn't always follow it...). So, I'll be the first to admit that sometimes I can be a bit...angry. I'm not the type to scream or cause a scene (usually -- I've had my moments), but I tend to let my anger come out in less productive (often passive-aggressive) ways, which, of course, is not at all healthy. The more I started thinking about this, the more I came up with things I need to stop doing in order to avoid getting to the point where I'm filled with anger. Quite often anger can be avoided if we just pay attention. You know, live in the moment.  

I know anger seems like a pretty negative topic and you're probably wondering why I'm writing about it on this site, but it's actually really important because how can you live a positive life when you're angry all the time? Up until yesterday's therapy session, I focused a lot on what made me sad, but I had never given much thought to the role anger played in my emotional life. Anger can be pretty closely linked with sadness and there are all kinds of anger: anger at yourself, anger at others, anger at a situation... Unfortunately I can think of a few examples for each of those categories right now so, in order to begin working on my anger issues, I'm going to create a list of things to avoid doing in order to avoid unnecessary anger. (Note: Anger does serve a purpose in certain situations and it's up to you to decide whether your anger is necessary or not. Also, it's up to you to figure out whether your anger is misdirected or not; this seems to be a major problem of mine that I'm planning on working through ASAP.)

 

Nine Don'ts of Dealing with Anger

• Don't take everything personally. This can be hard, especially if you're a sensitive person, but I've learned recently (after reading The Four Agreements) that you don't have to take everything personally and, in fact, it's a bad idea to do so. Usually if someone is doing/saying something it has a lot more to do with that person than it does to do with you, so take a step back and think to yourself, "Don't take it personally." 
  
  
• Don't discredit the way you feel. Anger, as I said above, can be a really important emotion. It's telling us something about the way we feel and I think that any time we discredit the way we feel bad things are going to happen. You have to address your feelings and assess them. Figure out what they mean and why they are feeling them. One of the worst things you can do when you're angry is say, "Oh, it's no big deal" because you know it is. 
  
  
• Don't avoid your emotions. Once you've given credit to your anger, don't avoid it. Sometimes I'll say to myself, "I'm angry" and then I push that emotion away because I don't want to deal with it. You know what? It always comes back in one form or another. It's not healthy to avoid any emotion, but avoiding anger can be really problematic when it crops up in some other area of your life.  
  
  
• Don't forget to take deep breaths. Breathing really helps me out when I'm feeling angry or upset, cliche as that might sound. When I'm in the heat of the moment of anger and I stop and listen to my body -- my accelerated heartbeat, my clenched jaw, my raised voice -- and take a few deep breaths, I feel a LOT better. Try it the next time you're feeling angry. After all, there's a reason it's a cliche. 
  
  
• Don't ignore what your body's saying. As I mentioned above, listening to your body is so important, but in this point I mean before you get angry or irritated. For me I know that lack of sleep, lack of food, lack of anything my body really needs can cause me to be more irritable than I normally would be. When I don't listen to my body and get to the point when I'm too tired/hungry/etc., my emotional state suffers. Pay attention to your body and do what you can to keep it in a happy state. 
  
  
• Don't always react immediately. For someone with little patience and the desire to resolve every conflict immediately, this is a hard don't to follow. I often find it very difficult to walk away from a situation and come back to it later. I want to fix it. Now. But, as I'm sure you know, this isn't always the best way to handle things. Often it's a lot better to come back to a situation later and deal with it once you've calmed down. Next time things get heated (in an angry way), take a time out and come back to it later. 
  
  
• Don't drag the situation out. I'm a big fan of letting things go. Of course this depends on the situation (some things should never be let go), but often we're in arguments or anger-fueled situations that really don't need to be dragged out. If you're stubborn, it can be hard to throw up your hands and just let it go, but dragging out an angry situation never makes it better. I say, do the best you can to handle it and then move forward.  
  
  
• Don't deny the pain you may cause. If you're acting out in anger, you may say/do things you wouldn't normally do. Often I'll write these things off, saying, "Oh, but I was so mad at the time!" Anger is not an excuse. Think about what you're saying and doing and consider the repercussions. In addition, think about the ripple effect. Do you have kids? Pets? Are there other people around during your angriest moments? You do impact other people when you are angry and sometimes thinking about this and recognize the pain you could cause will help you to calm yourself. 
  
  
• Don't underestimate a positive outlook. As you know, I'm a big fan of looking for the good in every situation. Try to do this the next time you're feeling angry. As hard as it might be to do, try asking yourself, "What's good about this situation? What could I be learning from this situation?" Take a step back from your anger (but don't avoid or ignore it!) and generate positive feelings.

 

Anger is something we all have to deal with at some point (unless you are the most mellow person in the world, in which case I can't say that I understand you at all). It happens. And it's okay. Anger is what it is and we often can't control what we feel. However, we can control how we react and what we do with our emotions. One thing I'm really going to work on is addressing my anger for what it is and working on figuring out where my anger is really coming from. Am I really that furious that someone cut me off in traffic? Probably not. The actions I take and the words I say when I'm feeling angry usually stem from something else, something deeper, and I'm going to work on figuring out what that is (and how I can fix it). For now, I think doing the things I listed above will really help me out, and I'd love to hear any suggestion you have on how to deal with anger. Feel free to share your experiences (or words of wisdom!) in the comments section.

want to be happier? stop avoiding unhappiness

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell
that encloses your understanding."
Kahlil Gibran

The other day my therapist and I were discussing the topic of pain and all of the ways people try to avoid it. As we got to talking about it, I realized how truly shocking it is when you think about the lengths some of us will go to (me included) to avoid feeling pain or to inflicting pain on others. Logically, it makes sense. Pain sucks, so why would we want to experience it? But, the more I live, the more I know that pain is part of the game. And, through lots and lots of attempts to avoid pain, I've discovered that it only makes things worse when you seek to avoid pain. At the time it might seem logical, but I've found that the pain and hurt never actually go away. They just reappear in another (and often worse) form. No matter how hard we might try to cover up unpleasant emotions, they will resurface. Today I've been thinking about two things: (1) how we try to avoid pain (and why those things never really work) and (2) what we can do to stop avoiding pain (and, as a result, be a lot happier in the long run).

I like to think of that girl in the picture as the old Dani, the Dani that was so fearful of feeling anything other than excitement or happiness or numbness that she would do whatever she could -- almost always harming herself and others in the process -- to avoid pain. It seems backwards that now, as I learn to be a happier person, I am also learning that I need to be able to experience pain. When I think about it, it almost doesn't make sense. If I want to be happy, why would I want to feel pain? The thing is I don't want to feel pain. I don't want to be sad or angry or upset. But that's life. The more I avoid it (and, believe me, I became an expert at that), the more painful it becomes. No matter what I used to do numb or dull or completely avoid the pain in my life, it always came back. And it came back bigger. And more painful. Not only do I not want to experience any more pain than I have to, but I certainly don't want to make it worse. For so long I thought I was making it better, but that was far from the case. Let's take some time to talk about some of the ways we might try to avoid pain, why avoiding it makes it worse, and what we can do to stop avoiding pain.

The Ways We Avoid Unhappiness

1. Numbing the feelings. This used to be my number one go-to when it came to dealing with pain. Unhappy? Have a drink. Upset? Go to happy hour. I used to use substances that altered by mood and made me feel momentarily happy and uplifted. Anyone out there who has tried to deal with pain by drinking knows that this never works. Okay, I'll admit that it feels like it's working. For awhile you feel better. Until you don't. Even after indulging in whatever pain-numb suits your fancy (alcohol? drugs? sex? food? sleep?), it's still there. The pain, if left untouched, doesn't go away. And if you're adding substances like alcohol to the mix, there's bound to be more pain headed your way because, you see, when you're drinking you're ingesting a depressant. You're feeding the pain, giving it more ammo to use against your mind. In addition, if you're drinking heavily (as I often used to do), you're hurting your body and, if you're anything like me, hurting the people around you. Whenever I tried to numb pain, I created more painful situations for myself. After a night of heavy pain-numbing, I'd wake with more problems, more pain to deal with (and not just the physical kind, though that was pretty brutal). Though I don't have much personal experience with the food situation, for example, I would imagine that most things, if used in excess to numb pain, will have very negative results on your life and will create more problems. Numbing seems like a great idea -- sometimes it even seems like the only option when you're in so much emotional pain that you can't stand it -- but it's never the right option. It only makes it worse. Always.
   
   
2. Shifting the blame. This is another one of my favorites. If I wasn't trying to numb my pain in some way, I was trying to blame it on someone else. I would say that I was upset because so-and-so said this or did that. I would claim that I was hurting because that was just the way I was. I was just a sad person and that's all there was too it. I'd blame people, situations, the numbing effects of alcohol (never mind that I'd been the one to drink it... it was all alcohol's fault). I'd blame the timing or my mood or even, yes, the weather. If there was pain, there was a reason for it and that reason sure as hell wasn't me. I know I'm not alone in this because I see people do it all the time. They're unhappy, they're in pain, or they're sad -- so what do they do? Well, of course, they blame someone or something else! For years and years and years I felt like my pain was the direct result of other people. I felt that my friends, my parents, my sister, my teachers, my classmates, my relatives were to blame. There's no way I ever thought it might have been something do with me. For so long I thought that if I could just pinpoint the source of the pain I would be able to deal with it. But that's most certainly not how it works. I've found, in recent months of soul-searching, that most of my pain comes from me. There is no one to blame. Of course people have done things to me or said things to me that truly hurt, but that doesn't mean that I have to blame them. Many of the things that have been said to me hurt because of the truth that lies in them. Many of the hurtful things that have been done to me are a direct result of my own actions. That's not to say I'm at fault always, but it is to say that shifting the blame doesn't make me feel any better and it doesn't make the pain go away.
   
   
3. Devaluing the situation. This is one that didn't come to my mind right away, but was brought to my attention by my insightful therapist. She noted that a lot of people avoid dealing with pain by saying things like, "Oh, it doesn't matter that I failed that test. It's a stupid class anyway," or "Whatever. I don't care that she dumped me. She's a loser and of course I can do so much better." After she brought this idea up, I realized that a lot of people do this. When we're in pain, we try to rationalize it in our minds, to make it seem like less than it is. We, in a sense, devalue it. We think that if we strip it of its value then it won't mean anything to us, but, as most of us probably know, this isn't the case. Even if you say to yourself a million times that you don't care that you were dumped, does that really change how you feel? Does it really erase the hurt from your brain? Probably not. If you're hurt, you're hurt and no amount of devaluing the situation is going to change that. It might feel better temporarily, but it won't necessarily make the pain go away in the long run. I know I've done this before and I can remember feeling momentarily relieved. I can remember failing a Physics test in college and thinking to myself, "Whatever, that totally doesn't matter. I'm going to be a writer. What do I need Physics for?" While I felt better for a moment -- and managed to rationalize that big red F on the topic of my exam booklet -- deep down I still felt like a failure. I still felt that nagging I'm-not-smart-enough feeling in the pit of my stomach. I challenged it with all of the A's in English and the high marks in my other classes, but the pain of not doing well didn't necessarily go away. And, what was worse was the pain of knowing that I hadn't tried. It wasn't as if I had put in all of my effort and still couldn't grasp the concepts. No, that wasn't it at all. The pain radiated from the idea that I'd hardly studied at all. Devaluing the specific situation (the Physics exam) didn't make me feel any less pain about the underlying problem (my inability to apply myself). I might have made myself feel better in the moment but, in the long run, I still had to deal with the pain.   
   
   
4. Deceiving ourselves and others. Tying in closely with #3 is the notion that we can trick ourselves (and others) into believing that we're not feeling pain. As you may be aware, all of the "I'm fines" and "It's no big deals" can't take away pain -- no matter how many times you say them. As a creative type, I'm pretty creative with the ways I try to trick myself. I really put a lot of effort into convincing myself of things that just aren't true. And where does all of this deception get me? Nowhere. No matter what I say (or even what I think), if I'm in pain, I'm going to be in pain. I can avoid it or pretend it's not there or lie to myself, but that doesn't change a thing about it. Believe me, I'm tempted to just tell myself things are fine when I'm feeling unhappy. I'm very tempted to just tell myself that I don't care or that it doesn't bother me or that my feelings aren't hurt, but what's the point of lying? It might feel better briefly to lie to myself or others, but does it make the pain go away? Nope. Does it make me happier? Nope. Does it help me to be more positive and present in my life? Nope. Dishonesty is never good, and lying to yourself is the worst. Really, to put it simply: it's pointless. It doesn't make it better and it doesn't address whatever the issue is. Tempting as it might seem to gloss everything over and pretend the pain isn't there, remember this: you're not a magician, you can't wave a wand and make your pain disappear.

How To Stop Avoiding Unhappiness

1. Face the pain head on. It can be the hardest thing to do, but it's the most important if you want to get back to your happiest self. Deal with the pain. Sit with it. Spend time thinking about it. Let it be what it is. What I've been trying to do a lot lately is to think about something in an objective way. For example, if someone says something and it hurts me I think to myself, "That comment really hurt me because..." I think about it. I don't blame the other person or try to say, "Oh, he said that because..." I just look at it, as if it's a thought floating by, and I accept it for what it is. Then I accept the way I feel. More and more I'm learning that it's okay to be sad or angry or unhappy. It's okay not to be happy all of the time. For so many years I honed in on this pain and focused so much on it -- being negative, being sad -- that I didn't realize that it was up to me to choose happiness. Now that I know that I can be happy, that it's up to me, I see pain differently. Rather than being my archenemy, unhappiness is now something that is unpleasant but can be faced and dealt with. (Oddly, as a result of being able to accept unhappiness, I find that I encounter it much less often these days.)
   
   
2. Accept your responsibility. Yes, there are many things that aren't your fault and you shouldn't blame yourself for, but you have to realize that more often than not you are the one controlling your pain. Yes, others can say and do things to you, but you are the one that has the power to say, "I'm going to deal with this pain and I am going to move on." Blaming other people, as I mentioned above, really doesn't do anything. It might seem like it will make you feel better to point a finger, but does it really? Do you ever really feel better when I put the blame on someone else? I know that I don't. At least not in the long run. We all have the ability to take control of our emotions, to choose happiness, and while I'm very aware that this isn't always the easiest thing to do, it's always possible. You can let other people make you feel bad or you can choose to feel good. You can mope around feeling sorry for yourself or you can accept the situation and move forward. It's up to you. You've got one life and do you really want to go around, avoiding your pain by pointing fingers at other people? Yeah, didn't think so.
   
   
3. Recognize the value. I know it can be so tempting to just say, "Oh, this doesn't matter," or "I'm SO over that," but I don't believe that takes away the pain or helps you learn or grow from your experience. Every bad situation has a nugget of knowledge in it somewhere. You can find it if you just look. You'll never learn from your pain -- or actually be free of it -- if you don't admit that you care. It's not always easy to do this, especially when you don't want to care (and we all know what those situations are like!). So many times I'm faced with situations where I don't want to care, but I do. What do you want to focus on -- the imaginary "I don't care" scenario in your mind or the actual situation in which you do care? Personally, I want to live in the moment, in the real world, and that means admitting that something bothers me and that I'm affected by a situation. Maybe I don't have to admit this to anyone else, but I can at least admit it to myself. If I accept that the situation has value, I'll be able to move forward and recognize that my pain has value. Once I've realized that pain is real, that is worth feeling and being honest about, I can make progress in addressing it.
   
   
4. Be honest with yourself and others. This is probably, by far, the hardest one for me to deal with. As someone who's a bit of a story-teller and exaggerator, I have a hard time being honest with myself. I let things get out of control in my mind sometimes and situations (and emotions!) become bigger than life. I'm learning more and more to be honest with myself, to ask myself, "How does this really feel?" and "What's really happening right now?" The more honest I am with myself, the more honest I can be with others. Pain and sadness isn't something we should be ashamed of. We can all feel down from time to time and we all do. What we need to do is make the most of our pain by being honest about it. When we're honest, we can deal with much more effectively. When we're honest with ourselves, we can communicate our thoughts and feelings more accurately to others. I often find myself saying things about how I feel and then realizing moments later, "Hey! That's not really how I feel." The more honest I become with myself (even when that's a painful thing to do), the more honest I become with others and the better I become at communicating with them about my pain. This isn't always the easiest thing to do, but overall it really does make pain easier to deal with -- and to move on from.

Now you're probably thinking to yourself, "Great, I won't be making my pain any worse, but I'll still have to deal with it and that will make me unhappy." I can't speak for everyone, but I can speak from my own experience. The more I stop avoid pain, the less pain I find that I have in my life. Avoiding pain causes a lot of stress and takes a lot of energy out of us. All of that energy that could be spent on being happy instead goes to feeling sorry for yourself or worrying about your situation. When you deal with pain right away, in an honest way with a positive attitude, you'll find two things: (1) the pain's probably not as bad as you thought it would be and (2) you'll be able to deal with it and move on a lot better than you thought you would be able to do. The more you create a tangled web of unhappiness, the more you get trapped in that web, unable to get out no matter how much you struggle. In fact, it's the struggling that makes it worse. Sometimes you have to just sit with your pain or unhappiness, accept it for what it is, and realize that it will pass.

If you want to be happier (and don't we all?) one of the best things we can for ourselves is to accept pain in our lives. Yeah, it would be great if we didn't have to deal with pain (or would it?), but we do. That's life. Sometimes it's shitty. Sometimes it sucks. But I can guarantee that if you are living your life trying to avoid all of the painful, shitty things, you're making yourself pretty darn unhappy. So start being happier right now by doing just this one thing: stop avoiding your pain. I can't say that I'm an expert on this yet, but I know that now that I've started to deal with my pain I'm a lot happier (yes, even when I'm actually experiencing the pain) than I am when I try my hardest to avoid it. But don't believe me...try it out for yourself and see if it works for you!

Do you try as hard as you can to avoid pain? If yes, what methods do you use?
When you are trying to avoid pain, do you find that you're actually creating more pain?

you CAN have it all: 8 tips for balancing work and life

"Live a balanced life.
Learn some and think some
and draw and paint
and sing and dance and
play and work every day some."

Robert Fulghum

One of the most important things in life is having balance. One of the hardest areas to find balance is between work and the rest of your life. If you have a nine-to-five (or eight-to-five!) job like I do, you know all too well how much time work eats up. I spend most of my time at work or sleeping, yet I somehow manage to have a life outside of this little cubicle. How do I do it? How do YOU do it? I'm not unique in being able to find ways to balance my career, my social life, and my family. Most of us do this all the time without even thinking about it. However, considering it's a huge aspects of our lives -- this desire and attempt to balance it all -- I think it's a pretty important topic to give some thought to. After all, if we want to live happy, productive lives we're probably going to have to balance things in our lives and, for many of us, the biggest balance is between work and everything else.

It's not easy to find this balance. We want to be productive, hard working employees, but we also want to be good friends, siblings, parents, and significant others. And sometimes it's very hard to be all of those things at once. Before I discuss my thoughts on keeping it all balanced, I first want to note that it's pretty much impossible to keep everything together all the time. There are going to be times when we can't be at work because we have to care for a loved one or deal with a personal issue. There are going to be times when we miss out on a fun event because we have to stay late at work or be in early the next day. Balancing work and the rest of your life is no easy task so cut yourself some slack. We all make mistakes and we all are forced to make unpleasant choices from time to time, but the key is to do the best you can. And, to help you do that, I've provided some tips below. Check 'em out!

8 Tips For Balancing Work And Life

1. Decide what's most important to you each day. Each morning (or, better yet, the night before) think about what you really want to accomplish that day. Is the most important thing completing a big project at work? Attending your child's piano recital? Setting aside some time for yourself? Try to narrow your day down to a few important tasks. After those tasks have been completed you can then move on to less pressing things. Remember to think about the day in terms of your whole life -- family, friends, you, work, etc. I'd advise keeping one planner or organizer for everything so you're sure not to miss anything important. Deciding what's most important every day helps you to gain focus and to tackle the most important tasks. There are plenty of things I put on my "To Do" lists that really don't need to done immediately. Of course these shouldn't be ignored, but make sure you do the most important things first. And, in order to do them first, you have to know what they are so take some time -- just a few minutes out of your hectic schedule -- to identify what really matters today.
   
   
2. Try to keep everything very, very organized. Now, this is advice coming from someone who loves being organized. To me, organization is effortless because I've been doing it all my life. In fact, when I'm not organized I feel panicked and unsettled (yup, that's the perfectionist in me coming out!). As much as I adore organization, I understand that it doesn't come easily to everyone (or almost anyone that I know). For some people it seems like it's the absolute hardest thing in the world, but, believe me, it's worth the effort. Think about how much time you'll save if you know exactly where everything is. As a basic principle, everything in your home and at your office should have a place and you should do your best to always keep something in its place (yes, I imagine this must be much more difficult when you are living with other people and/or have children, but do the best you can). When you know where things are, when you can actually see your desk or your bedroom floor, you'll feel a lot better about everything. Trust me. Organization cuts way down on stress because you know where to find things and you don't have that frazzled, where-are-my-keys??? feeling. There are tons of great resources online for organization and I highly suggest you check 'em out if you're having trouble in this department (or just contact me!).
   
   
3. Delegate as many tasks as possible to others. I am a terrible delegator. If I have to get something done -- whether it be for work, for a party, for a friend or family member, etc. -- I want to do it. I just know if I give someone else a task that I need to do that it won't be done the way I want it to be done (yeah, I have issues) so I have a hard time delegating. But delegating can be an absolute lifesaver when you're dealing with an overwhelming, action-packed life. Think about all of the tasks you do every day (write 'em down if you have to) and then consider who would be able to do these for you. Could your kids pick up some of  your slack when it comes to cleaning the house? Could you afford to hire a housekeeper if it'll keep you more sane? Can you ask your spouse to take care of something that you usually handle? Is there a coworker who's always asking to help but who you always turn down? Whatever you do, don't turn down help unless you really, really need to do a task yourself. Don't feel guilty if you can't do it all yourself either. Almost everyone who's working (and that includes working full time as parent!) has a million things going on and can't do everything all the time. Look around because I bet you there are a lot of people who would be willing to help you out if you just let go of control a bit and realized that delegating doesn't mean you're not doing a job well.
   
   
4. Give yourself mini-breaks whenever you can. No matter what your job is or what's going on in your life, you deserve a break. We all deserve to have a break every once and awhile. Ideally I would suggest taking a vacation from everything -- work, family, friends, etc. -- and spending a nice long time relaxing solo. However, this is probably isn't possible for most people (and for those who are very social this probably sounds like a very un-fun vacation), but there are alternatives, "mini-breaks" if you will. What is a mini-break, you ask? Well, a mini-break can be anything you want it to be! That's the beauty of it! A mini-break can be a walk around the block at lunch, a day off of work (kid-free), a night out on the town, or an afternoon spent outdoors. A mini-break can be a spa day, a weekend getaway, a stop on the way home for a much-deserved snack. A mini-break can be a quiet night alone, a small party with friends, or a morning sleeping in. A mini-break can be whatever you want it to be, but whatever it is it must be a break. You need to take a step out of your routine and relax for a bit. It may seem like, with a million things going on, you really can't afford to spend time being unproductive, but, believe me, when you take time to relax and refresh yourself you'll be a much better friend, family member, significant other, coworker, and employee.
   
   
5. Make every moment of the day count. When we're dealing with a day, we're dealing with a mere twenty-four hours. And, if you're anything like me, you like to spend a lot of those hours sleeping which leaves us with not all that much to work with. Which is why it's so, so important to make every moment count. For example, let's say you have to work late a lot and you don't get home until just before your kids go to bed. You only have time to read them a story and tuck them in before you crawl into bed yourself. Sure, that's not ideal, but you can make the best of it. If you only have an hour with them, make that the best hour. Do your best to put your other responsibilities and tasks aside for that period of time and focus on spending time with them. Same goes for work. When you're at work, focus on the task at hand. Give yourself a specific amount of time to work on a project and devote all of your attention to it, pushing from your mind whatever personal issues you might currently be dealing with. We can't be everywhere at once, so focus on being where you are right now.
   
   
6. Negotiate your work load with your boss. This one depends a lot on where you work and what you do, but a lot of places seem to becoming more and more flexible with the way work is conducted. Because of this wonderful invention we call the internet, people can work from home or on the road or in a different country. There are lots of ways we can be involved at work without being at work. In addition, there are a lot of books written about how we can work smarter and not harder. A lot of emphasis is being placed on working from home, working fewer hours, or working fewer days a week. If you have a boss you can talk to, try to set aside some time to discuss ideas about alternative work scenarios. You never know unless you ask! In addition, you can try negotiating household chores, tasks, and duties with the members of your household. Can your roommates or significant other take on a bit more of the work? Can you figure out something that you could offer in return for more of the chores being done by someone else (for example, a raise in allowance for a kid who makes sure the house is tidy when you arrive home)? If you give it some thought, you might find that you can negotiate with others. A word of advice: be prepared. If you go to your boss with the idea that you want to work only four days a week, make sure you have reasons why and explanations for how all of your work will still get done.
   
   
7. Don't put off things you can get done today. If you can do something right now, do it. Usually things we put off are things we can get done right now. Don't put something off until tomorrow because you "don't feel like doing it." Not feeling like it is not an excuse. Some things can't be done today (such as those that require input from another person or appointments that can only be scheduled on a specific date), but a lot of the tasks we face on a daily basis can be done today and should be done today. Whenever it's possible, I try to leave my desk at work with nothing hanging over my head for the next day. If I can do it today, I do my best to get it done so that I can start new tasks the next day. The same goes for personal situations and relationships. If you want to have connections with others, you have to put in the work. Don't put off sending an email or calling a friend. Don't cancel plans if you can help it. If you aren't terribly ill or completely worn out, make sure you use the time you have after work to be productive with life activities. Spend time with friends. Snuggle with a family member. Call up your parents just to chat. Unless it's literally impossible to do it today, don't say, "Oh, yeah, I'll get to that tomorrow..."
   
   
8. Allow yourself the freedom to say "no." While I personally need to work on saying "yes" more often, I think a lot of people have trouble with saying "no." When a friend or family member asks you for a favor it can be really hard to say "no." When your boss asks if you can take on another project it can be even harder to say "no." But it's okay. It's okay to tell others that you can't take on anything else. It's okay to admit that adding one more thing to your workload is going to send the quality of your work (and your sanity) down the drain. Personally I'd much rather someone say "no" to a request of mine than have my request bring added stress and unhappiness to his/her life and I'm sure you feel the same (remember this one when someone says "no" to you and you don't understand why). It's not easy to admit that we can't do something (especially when we want to), but if you become the "yes" guy or girl people will always come to you with requests and then you will completely overwhelmed and, eventually, you won't be able to handle the pressure. It's much better to say "no" every once and a while and keep yourself balanced than it is to say "yes" to everything and feel like you never have time to relax. When you receive a request, seriously consider if you can do it. If you can't, be nice, be honest, and just say "no!"

As I mentioned above, it's not always possible to have a perfect balance. Sometimes work is going to be a priority. Sometimes family and friends will come first. It's not easy to balance it all. I feel like I struggle with balancing everything and I don't have a husband/boyfriend, kids, or anyone (other than my pup!) that depends on me so I give everyone out there who works full time and has a spouse and kids a LOT of credit. Even those who don't work and have to balance kids with social and personal responsibilities have a lot more on their plates than I do and I say "Bravo!" to you for being able to keep it together day after day. As for me, well, I'm still working on learning how to balance it all and I'm hoping that writing about these tips and following my own advice will help to make the daily balance of life that much easier.

One thing that really hurts the balance between work and the rest of your life is if you hate your job. I've gone through ups and downs at my job. Sometimes I hate it and would give anything to have the freedom to quit. Other times I'm really glad to be here and really excited about the progress I'm making. I've been given a lot of really great opportunities at my company and I'm always grateful for that (even on the days when I don't feel like being here). In general, if you hate your job and you're unhappy there (and you have no other way to get a different job), you'll be facing a lot of stress and frustration in your life. It's really important to handle this situation before you work on balancing. How should you cope with a job that makes me unhappy? My advice would be to check out a wonderful website called Work Happy Now! This site is filled with great inspiration on how to make the best of your job situation. In particular, I would advise that you check out a recent article on the site called "What Do I Do If I'm Unhappy at Work?" I would strongly suggest reading this article before diving into the tips listed above. Once you come to terms with your current career situation, you can then find ways to balance your working life with the rest of your life.  

[Note: Yesterday I was fortunate not only to be featured as a guest blogger on Shades of Crimson, but also to have a post up on another great site, The Skool of Life. In my guest post, "The Wright Way to Succeed," I tackle what I believe the deeper meaning is behind this Frank Lloyd Wright quote: "I know the price of success: dedication, hard work, and an unremitting devotion to the thing you want to see happen." Click on the link above to access the post and hear all about the Wright way to success.]

a happy life is not a perfect life

  

Are you going to spend your life wondering
Standing in the back, looking around? 
Are you going to waste your time thinking
How you've grown up or how you've missed out?

Things are never going to be the way you want
Where's it going to get you, acting serious? 
Things are never going to be quite what you want
Even at twenty-give, you gotta start sometime. 

I'm on my feet. I'm on the floor.
Now all I need is to hear a song I know. 
I want to always feel like part of this was mine. 
I want to fall in love tonight. 

Someone's going to ask you what it's all about. 
Stick around. Nostalgia won't let you down. 
Someone's going to ask you what it's all about. 
What are you gonna have to say for yourself? 

Are you going to spend your life wondering
Standing in the back, looking around? 
Are you going to waste your time thinking
How you've grown up or how you've missed out?
 

This song -- "Praise Chorus" by Jimmy Eat World -- has been one of my favorites for many, many years. I haven't listened to it in awhile, but something recently made me go back to it and I realized what a PERFECT song it is for Positively Present.  It's all about living in the moment, seizing the day, and being here now. As wonderful has living in the moment is, there's another part of the song that really sticks out at me: "Things are never going to be the way you want." Why, you ask, does that particular line stick out at me? After all, it's probably the most negative line in the whole song! However, it's a great reminder for me. It reminds me of a very important fact that doesn't always come easily to me, and that is...

A happy life is not a perfect life.

Sound simple? Yeah, not so much if you're a Type A, slightly neurotic perfectionist like myself. I like perfect things. I like perfect outfits. I like perfect hand-writing. I like perfect (not necessarily happy) endings. I like perfect tasks at work. I like doing things well -- the best, if possible. I'm not overly competitive with others, but I'm pretty damn competitive with myself. I want to do the best I can when I've decided to commit myself to something. I want, if at all possible, perfection.

As we all know well, perfection is not possible in the grand scheme of life. No matter how wonderful, happy, or peaceful your life is, it's never going to be perfect. N-E-V-E-R. As a perfection-seeker, this a hard concept for me to grasp. My life will never be perfect? Really?! I have to admit that my heart skips a beat when I think about that. We all want a perfect life right? The question is...do we all accept the fact that we can't have one? I think I'm still working on making sense of this reality.

As I'm writing this, I'm watching Bride Wars (which I'm watching On Demand because yesterday my sister got ENGAGED!!!!). Oddly enough, I just looked up from writing and heard Kate Hudson's character say, "It's exhausting having to try to be perfect all the time. It's how I held it together ever since I was a kid. I figured nothing bad could happen again if I was just one step ahead of everything and everybody all the time." To this, her fiance replied:

Life isn't perfect. It's messy...You don't have to be perfect.

What if we said that ourselves every day? What if we surrounded ourselves with people who confirmed this statement, that we didn't have to be perfect? I'm pretty sure that I'm my worst enemy in this department. I don't think anyone in my life expects me to be perfect. The only one who expects perfection is me. And this desperate search for perfection comes at a cost. It has a high price of perpetual dissatisfaction.

Identifying the problem is the first step! Now that I know that I am always striving to be perfect and that I deep down believe I will someday have a perfect life (which doesn't happen to anyone), it's time to face this problem head-on. No more perfectionism in my life! Perfectionism -- no big surprise -- causes a lot of anxiety. I don't want that kind of anxiety in my life and -- YAY! -- this is something I can control. I can choose not to be a perfectionist. Instead, I can choose to be positive.

6 Ways To Stop Being Perfect and Start Being Happy

1. Stop criticizing and judging.
   
   This, of course, is a HUGE one. If you are able to stop judging yourself and others, you're a lot less likely to be in perfection mode. Perfection comes from the idea that everything has to be a certain way. But who says it has to be that way? Who says you have to look a certain way or dress a certain way? Who says you have to act this way or that way? Okay, yes, we all live in societies and sub-societies that have certain standards, but we don't always have to live up to those standards. And we can make our own standards!
   
   
2. Learn to go with the flow.
   
   Man, oh, man this is a hard one for me! I've never, ever been a go-with-the-flow kinda girl. I like to be in control, holding the reigns, setting the pace. I don't like to go along for the ride or just sit back and relax. But, when it comes to battling perfectionism, learning to just chill is REALLY important. Life is unpredictable. There are going to be unexpected twists and turns and being able to deal with changes is essential to living a positive life. We can't control everything and this is something I really, really need to work on reminding myself every day.
   
   
3. Know that everything has a reason.
   
   Many of you might not be down with this idea, but I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Even the most horrific, awful things in my life have taught me something, have made me the person I am today. It's not easy to remember this when dealing with a crisis or heartbreak, but it's so important to remember that life is what it is. Some things are out of our control and we just have to realize that someday the reason for what happens will be explained. I do my best to learn from every mistake, every bad situation, and all of these little lessons have added up to make me the person I am right now.
   
   
4. Look at the big picture of life.
   
   I try to ask myself this every time I'm freaking about something not being as perfect as I would like it to be: Will this matter in five months? Five years? Usually the answers to these questions are "NO!" Most of the things I get myself all worked up about don't really impact my life in the long run. Emotional wounds always heal with time. Though I might be panicky and worried right now, in a few days, weeks, months, or years, I won't be worried about it anymore. When I find that I'm stressing about something small (which I do more often than I should), I need to remind myself to look at the big picture and pose the questions: "How important is this? Is it really worth all of the stress and anxiety?"
   
   
5. Take time for a time out.
   
   Sometimes the best thing to do when I'm feeling like nothing is going the way I want it to go is to take a time out. Removing myself from a situation can be the best way to get a fresh perspective on it. When I'm working hard to get something perfect -- whether it be an outfit for a night out, a blog post, or a serious work-related task -- it's hard for me to step away. I'm in a zone and I'm focused and I don't want to waste any time. However, whenever I force myself to pull away from what I'm doing, I find that I usually come back with fresh ideas and a new perspective which helps me not to be so perfection-driven.
   
   
6. Appreciate what's working for you.
   
   This goes back to the idea I talk about a lot -- loving yourself. You most likely have a lot of great things going on and you don't even notice these things when you're focused on making everything perfect. When I'm seeking perfection, I don't take time to realize what's good in my life and my level of gratitude seems to be a lot lower. It's really important to realize what is awesome about your life and to be grateful for all of the things/people/experiences in it. Doing this will make perfection seem a lot less necessary. 

Those of you who aren't perfectionists might not really understand what a burden it can be to always be striving for this unobtainable goal. As I said above, there is no such thing as a perfect life. You might have a great life. You might have a happy life. But no one -- no matter how hard he or she tries -- will have a perfect life. This is a fact I must accept and embrace. Knowing that life will never be perfect, that I will never be perfect, will take a lot of the pressure off. If you know you can't be perfect, you have to settle for being the best you can be. And, right now, that sounds pretty good to me.

Do you battle with perfectionism?
What advice would you add to what's written here?

stop slackin' & get crackin'

 

 

Lately I've been checking out a lot of blogs on motivation. To keep positivity in our lives and to stay focused on the present moment, we need to be motivated. One of the key pieces of advice that I've come across over and over again in relation to motivation is: do something. Yes, it's simple, but it is so, so true. The best way to motivate yourself on a project or a task is to get started. Even if it's a small step, get the ball rolling, get going.

Yesterday this quote was delivered to my in-box from Real Simple: "It doesn't matter how the paint is put on, as long as something is said." Jackson Pollock, the speaker of this quote, had a great point and that is: we need to take action. Just as we are sometimes afraid of happiness, we are sometimes afraid to do something. Maybe we think we won't do a great job. Maybe we're frightened by what others might think. Maybe we're too uncertain about our own abilities. Whatever the excuse is, forget it! Rather than dwell on the negative aspects of what could happen, embrace the positivity of taking action.

Whatever you create or do may not be absolute perfection, but it will be something. In order to truly motivate yourself and encourage yourself, you have to do things. You cannot just sit around and say, "Yeah, I'm a pretty good writer. I love writing" and not write anything (yes, I've done this). You have to take action.

Last fall, I was feeling out of sorts in the writing realm. I knew I wanted to write a novel, but I couldn't figure out what I wanted to write about. I had ideas -- lots of ideas -- but no motivation to start any of them. Lucky for me, I came across National Novel Writing Month. Every November, people all over the world spend the month writing a novel of 50,000 words. What a perfect way to get motivated, I thought to myself. Even if the novel wasn't a bestseller, at least I would have written something.

So I got to work on November 1st. I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote. I didn't edit. I didn't think what I was writing might not be good. I didn't judge myself. I just set out to complete a task -- writing a novel -- and I didn't question it. And guess what? By November 30th, I had written 50,000 words. No, they weren't perfect, but they were there, lighting up my computer screen and telling me that, yes, I could do this.

Sometimes we have to force ourselves into it. We need to make ourselves take action. Not everyone may be lucky enough to come across something as fitting as I did, but you can create your own motivation. Create your own month of pressure. It feels great to have something tangible to work with (though, I must admit, I've taken my time getting around to editing that novel of mine...). I have a starting point now, something I feel very positive about.

So turn up the heat, put the pressure on, force yourself to take action. Of all the blogs and articles I've read on motivation, the message is this: do something. For some more motivation, turn on Britney Spears' "Do Somethin'" and check out these awesomely motivating sites:

• Motivate Thyself
  
• The Change Blog
  
• Learn This 
  
• Put Things Off
  
• Zen Habits
  
• Productivity 501
  
• Rock Your Day

Hopefully you will find one (or all!) of these sites inspiring. Since I've just started looking around at the topic of motivation, I'm sure I probably missed some critical sites so feel free to post any I might have missed in the comments section. Now, stop slacking and get cracking!

how to deal with stress positively

 

 

 

Every so often everyone at my office receives a colorful little pamphlet from our health care provider filled with helpful tips on how to eat better and how to find exciting new ways to exercise. Usually I am quite excited when I see one of these pamphlets in my mail slot as it typically guarantees me at least ten whole minutes of un-bored time at the office. This time I was especially excited by the pamphlet when I saw on the cover that an article titled "Stress: Learning to Cope" would be featured. In my life, and in the lives of so many around me, stress plays a huge factor in pulling me towards negativity. When I am stressed, I eat worse, sleep worse, act worse, and feel worse. Unfortunately, no matter who you are or what you do, stress is an inevitable part of life. Rather than dwell on that negative fact, I decided to dive into the article and learn how I could better cope with the stress in my life.

According to the article, the American Psychological Association conducted a survey recently and found that 1/3 of Americans are living with extreme stress and 48% believe their stress has increased in the past five years. Since it seems like we have a lot of stress on our hands (and, most likely, a lot of the negativity that comes along with it), let's see what the article suggests we do to relieve the stress in our lives. Below are the seven steps listed in the article along with my personal interpretation of them:

1. Understand that your stressors are highly personalized. It's important to realize that your stress situation is unique. What may stress you out may not stress others out. It's important to think about what personally makes you stressed and also to realize what makes your loved ones stressed. Assessing this is a very important first step in the stress-reduction process.
2. Recognize how stress feels to you. This ties in with the concept of mindfulness that I have posted about before. It is really essential to think about how you feel when you are stressed. Ask yourself the following questions: How does my body feel? What is my breathing like? Where do I feel tense? What thoughts are running through my mind? Also, it may be helpful to recognize how you feel when you are not stressed so you can compare the two states of being.
3. Discover your own stress signals. Once you have figured out how stress feels to you, you can figure out what your "stress signals" are. These signals may be mental (inability to concentrate, feelings of anger or frustration, etc.) or physical (stomach aches, headaches, lack of energy, etc.). If you can recognize the signals of stress, you can then begin to think of ways to minimize or cope with the stress. Sometimes I think we get so caught up in being stressed that we don't recognize it until after a situation, when we look back and say, "I guess I must have reacted that way because I was stressed." Recognizing the stress signals can really help lessen or diminish stressful situations and stress-related reactions before they get out of hand.
4. Identify how you deal with stress. Take some time to think about how you deal with the stress in your life. Many (okay, probably most) people use unhealthy behaviors like drinking, smoking, overeating, etc. to cope with stress. Do you use unhealthy behaviors? If so, recognizing how these behaviors are related to stress could really help you manage them. No matter how good an unhealthy behavior makes you feel at the time, it definitely does not help you feel better (or melt your stress away) in the long run. Think about that the next time you want to light up a smoke or stick your face in a box of donuts.
5. Think of healthy ways you could manage stress. Lucky for us stressed-out people, there are lots of great ways to deal with stress positively. Since we can't avoid it, we have to deal with it. Here are some of my healthy suggestions for dealing with stress:
   • Try yoga or meditation. Clearing your mind and being mindful for a bit can really reduce stress.
   • Spend time with friends or family (if you get along). Being with others can be a great distraction.
   • Take a walk, especially if it's nice outside. There is something universally positive about sunshine.
   • Exercise, but make sure not to over do it; overexercising is an unhealthy behavior.
   • Read books on how to deal with stress. You never know what types of tactics you'll discover.
   • Laughout loud. Call up your funniest friend or check out a local comedy show to get the guffaws going.
   • Do something good for someone else. Volunteering or helping a pal can actually help you.
   • Get a pet. Plenty of dogs and cats need adopting and studies have show that they can reduce stress.
   • Practice deep, relaxed breathing. You can do this anywhere (in traffic, in a meeting) and it's very calming.
   • Write about how you feel. Sometimes just getting it out on paper (or a computer screen) helps a lot.
   • Vacatewhatever situation is causing you stress. Take a break. Take a trip. Do whatever you need to to get away.
   • Smile at everyone you see. Smile at yourself in the mirror and your coworkers in the hall. It really does work.
   • Learn something new. Trying new things will take your mind off of whatever it is that's bothering you.
6. Take care of yourself physically and mentally. You've heard it all before -- eat right, drink lots of water, get 7-8 hours of sleep, exercise. Cliche as all of this advice sounds, it really does help to do all of these things, especially when you're stressed. As you might have noticed when you thought about your stress signals, stress can really take a toll on your body. Doing what you can to keep it working right will definitely improve the way you feel mentally and physically when faced with a stressful situation (or life, as the case may be).
7. Accept help from others if you need it. This can be a hard one for a lot of people, especially if they aren't taking the time to realize they are stressed. Once you realize you are stressed and figure out what it is that's causing the stress, give some thought to whether or not someone else can help you out and lessen your stress load. Whether you talk to a friend about your stress or reach out to a coworker and ask for help on a project, seeking assistance is usually a small step that might make a big difference in terms of minimizing the stress in your life.

Though it may seem like a lot of the points made here are obvious ones, it never hurts to re-evaluate not only what causes stress in your life, but what you are doing to cope with that stress. Some stress is completely unavoidable; some stress can be removed from your life. Consider this carefully. Can you rid yourself of unnecessary stress? If so, do it! There's no time like the present to get rid of stress you don't need.

For the stress you can't get rid of, try to think about it positively. This is very hard sometimes, but try asking yourself this: What can I learn from this? You can learn from almost anything, and if you're going to be faced with the stress anyway, why not turn it into a positive experience?

Overall, I'd offer this advice: Think about what's causing you stress, how you are reacting to the stress, what you can do to minimize or remove the stress, and if there is any way you can get help with the stressful situation. Doing all of these things won't completely erase stress from your life, but it will definitely help you understand and manage the situation, which will ultimately make your life, even the stressful parts, a lot more positive.