happiness and the city
I heart New York City -- and lucky for me I'm going to be going there for two whole days! Okay, I'm going for work so it's not all that cool, but it will be exciting to be in a new-yet-familiar place, surrounded by all kinds of interesting people. Ever since I was a child I've loved New York City. There's a hustle and bustle, an excitement, in the city that you just don't find anywhere else. The lyrics I've posted here come from one of my absolute favorite songs of all time -- "Nowhere and Everywhere" by Michelle Lewis -- that always and forever reminds me of a fall day in New York City. Since the day I heard the song in the film Practical Magic (which, by the way, is based on an amazing book of the same name), I've been in love with it. To me, the song's about soul-searching, about looking for (and finding) yourself in a big city. Here, check out the lyrics and see what you think:
She's been traveling the sidewalks for hours
Stopping as every moment of the truth wanders past
Window shopping for religion or something harder
Than the coins in her pocket
She is way too pretty for prime time New York
She gets the business every time she takes a walk
Amid the shark-smile porno scenes
But they can't ever touch her, their disappearing queen
She is...
Nowhere and everywhere
Nowhere and everywhere
Nowhere and everywhere
at the same time
She's as shady as cheap sunglasses
But as perfect as this October Monday passes
To a draggin'-your-soul-around-town rhythm
Always in such a hurry, but never too fast
Playing chicken with delivery boys
And tag with the subways
Searchin' alleys for proper company
She's jumping in and out of cracks
And she's got everything that you lack
Well she entered unnoticed
You will feel it when she leaves
She is...
Nowhere and everywhere
Nowhere and everywhere
Nowhere and everywhere
at the same time
We belong...in gutters and glittering lobbies
We belong...to a street lamp flickering out
We belong...to absolutely nothing
Getting out of a taxi the other day
My heart fell out of my backpack and into a puddle
And so my chest was empty but it felt okay
I just fished out the pieces and walked away into...
Nowhere and everywhere
Nowhere and everywhere
Nowhere and everywhere
at the same time
We are nowhere and everywhere
You're feeling close but nothing's there
We are nowhere and everywhere
at the same time
When I read the words (or listen to the song), I think about being lost in a city, searching for all that is nowhere and everywhere. I suppose the song talks about some sort of truth that we're all looking for. It's everywhere yet it's so intangible that we can never touch it. It's all around us yet it's nowhere to be found. When I listen to this song, I cannot help but think of New York and feel this burning desire to get in the car and drive there. I often feel, for whatever reason, that I've left something in that great city. I feel like pieces of me are there, though I've never been there for more than a few days at a time. There is something about that place that just sticks with you -- either in a good or a bad way -- and never really seems to let you go. While many have left their hearts in San Francisco, I do believe that mine lies somewhere in Manhattan.
The last time I was in New York it was October. I was there, I recall, on an October Monday in fact and I was so thrilled to be listening to the song "Nowhere and Everywhere," feeling just like the girl Michelle sings about. I felt like I was looking desperately for something and I was on the verge of finding it back then, in the last of my sad autumns. It was fall, I was on the verge of falling. It was only a matter of weeks from that day -- that soul-searching, autumn day -- that I began to uncover what it was that I'd always been looking for all of those years: myself. I, like the girl in the song, was walking around with an empty chest; my heart had fallen into a puddle. It wasn't until later, after I'd left the city, that I'd picked up the pieces out of the puddle and walked away from that searching, sad girl that was me. It wasn't until a few months later that I would fall so hard that I would bounce back up in a way that I never had before. And a few months after that I would start the blog and begin the journey to a happier me.
The city is probably different now, just as I am. It will look different, feel different, I know. Everything does when you are looking at it through a frame of positive thinking. It's going to be so interesting to see how it has changed -- how I will recognize the changes in myself -- when I step off that train and into the hustling, bustling Penn Station. You must be wondering, "What's the big deal? Are you going to be a different person there? How is it really that different from your every day life?" And to that I have to shake my head and say, "It's hard to explain." There's something about the city that cannot really be put into words (though so many have tried) and I've always felt right at home there. Everyone moves quickly. Everyone is in a hurry. There's a ebb and flow to the place that suits me. But, for whatever reason, I feel that it will be much different this time around. For whatever reason, I feel like the new me, the happier me, will be more pronounced there. It's as if the colors that are be become brighter, louder, when I'm in New York. Everything is louder there.
It's almost unsettling to think about going back there now, after so much has happened, after I have changed so much. New York only knows the old me. The old me is the only one who has been to New York. I feel so changed, so much stronger, since I was last there. I wonder, now, if the city will feel as overwhelming and exciting as it once did. I wonder if I will feel the way I once did there or if all of that will have changed now. I'm looking forward to visiting but I am wary as well. I feel like New York City is wild and dangerous and not necessarily happy. I know that I, myself, have not necessarily been happy there in the past. But I also know now what I didn't know back then, the last time I was there -- that happiness comes from within and no matter where I am -- nowhere or everywhere -- the choice to be happy is mine.