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Strategies for Phone Overuse (and Other Struggles)

Courage Shoes

A few weeks ago, you might remember that I wrote about phone addiction, which is something I'm really struggling with. Shortly after I wrote that post, I was talking to my friend Reba Riley about my problem, and she offered to help me out! I'm so thrilled to have someone to work with as a I strive to overcome this, as we all know how hard it can be doing it alone. As Reba and I work through this, I'll be sharing some guest posts from her here, featuring her wisdom and insights, so you can learn along with me.

Reba-RileyA bit about Reba... She is a bestselling author, keynote speaker, television commentator, and life coach, who created TransforMotion: a coaching method focused on emotional transformation through physical action. Above all Reba is a friend committed to helping me — and our Positively Present community — overcome the challenges we face. My issue is the phone, but I think you’ll find her advice applicable to a wide range of struggles. Keep reading to learn about how Reba is helping me to tackle this tough situation! 


When Dani reached out to me about her compulsive phone use, my first thought was Courage.

I told Dani it takes tremendous courage to recognize a problem behavior and even more to ask for help.

We often overlook this everyday valor, because it doesn’t square with our idea of being brave. Firefighters and soldiers are the courageous ones, we think — which is true! But their bravery does not negate our own.

Courage is not about comparison: it is the act of taking the next right step in any situation you find yourself in.

I call this “Couraging” — because brave is a verb. It is something you choose to do. Dani is couraging right now; if you are attempting to change something negative in your life, you are couraging, too.

Dani’s illustration of my quote: “Courage is dreams with shoes on” is a reminder that every positive change first requires being brave enough to lace up your Courage Shoes and take the first step toward change.

After we discussed courage, Dani and I talked about Lowering Expectations.

Dani (and most of us!) want overnight change — and then expect ourselves to be able to change overnight.

Okay, loves: to put it as nicely as I can… it doesn’t work that way.

It took time to get into our mess; it takes time to get out. So, we must lower our expectations of how much we can accomplish and how quickly, until we come up with an action step that is easy.

That’s right, I said easy. We keep lowering expectations until we find something we are absolutely able to accomplish: the one or two small steps we know we can take in the right direction.

Like this: EXPECTATIONS. LOWER. Lower, Lower…even lower…easy… there.

The reason is simple: success builds on success. We need early success to keep ourselves going, so we can get to the point where our small successes grow exponentially.

In Dani’s case, we identified two action steps she could easily practice every day for the next 7-10 days:



Like many of us — especially those who identify as "Type-A" — Dani is good at criticizing herself mentally when it comes to overusing her phone. When dealing with the phone issue this is especially tricky because Dani knows what she should do, but does the opposite (using the phone compulsively) anyway. Then she gets even more frustrated with herself.

She gets sucked into the Cycle of Despair: Do harmful thing, “whip” yourself for doing harmful thing, feel even worse, do harmful thing again to feel better, repeat, repeat, repeat.

Anyone else been there? Me too. Which is how I know the only solution to the Cycle of Despair is self-love.

In case anyone out there is confused about what this means (I spent about a decade figuring it out) — self-love is treating yourself the same way you would treat a person you love. Would you say the things to a friend you say to yourself in your head? Didn’t think so. Would you punish/mentally torture a person you adore? Nope.

Consider how you would treat your best friend is he/she was struggling with an issue, and actively trying to make a positive life change. Now, turn that loving energy and kind action inward….and put down the whip for good.



Piggybacking on all that self-love is the idea of giving yourself permission to be exactly where you are, exactly as you are, without judgement. Since you’ve put down the whip, you can focus on being present with your behavior: observing it without the goal of massive overnight change.

Before you can make positive progress, you have to notice the negative. Since you can’t change anything until you figure out your patterns and triggers; give yourself permission to simply notice your actions and feelings as they arise.

By “notice,” I mean, whenever you find yourself engaging in or wanting to engage in a harmful behavior, take a step back and be present with it.

Pause, breathe, pay attention: What is the situation? What thoughts are you having? What is your emotional state? How does your body feel?

You can practice paying attention with or without taking notes, but writing is a great way to stay in the present moment

Dani finds it helpful to keep a notebook handy — a real live one with a pen, not on her phone! — to record her thoughts and feelings as they come up.

During our next coaching call, we’ll use her notes to create a strategy of next steps to move her closer to her goal of pain-free, helpful phone use.

To make the concept of giving yourself permission more tangible, Dani and I have created an actual permission slip that you can use to tackle any self-sabotaging behaviors you might be struggling with.

Permission Slip
Click here to download the Permission Slip PDF 


I'm so thankful that Reba is willing to work with me on this tricky phone overuse issue. I've only been focusing on it for a short while and already I feel like I've made so much positive progress! To connect with Reba Riley about coaching, speaking engagements, or television, please email You can find Reba online on Instagram @RebaRileyAuthor and Twitter @RebaRiley and Facebook @RebaRileyAuthor.

Encouragement for New Parents

Check out this print in the shop! 


Over the years, I've received requests to write about staying positive as a parent or about how to be a good parent, but, since I'm not a parent and never plan to be one, it's not a topic I have any business writing about. However, over the weekend, I became an aunt for the first time so now it's time for me to sharing all of my positive parenting tips! I'm kidding. I don't have a clue what it's like to be a new parent, and, even those who have been new parents don't know what it's like to be my sister and her husband, new parents to this specific new little person (who I already love so much!!). 

It seems to me having all the seasoned parents offering you, a new parent, advice would get old pretty quickly. Yes, intentions are good, and, yes, someone who has already been a parent has insights and experience, but I'd imagine that hearing, "When I had my first baby..." isn't always helpful. Plus, you can literally google anything so it's not like, as a parent, you really need the unsolicited advice of other parents. I started thinking about what I'd want if I had just had a baby, and, based on my understanding of what it's like — amazing, surreal, terrifying, exciting, overwhelming, exhausting — I thought I'd offer some encouragement rather than advice. 

I drew the illustration above (also available in the shop if you know any new parents who might need it!) awhile back in preparation of the arrival of my little nephew, but here's a more in-depth take on what I was thinking while brainstorming some of these little bits of encouragement... (And, to be honest, most of us, parents or not, could use these reminders!)



Parenting looks incredibly hard, and it seems to me that, no matter how much research you do, no matter how many parenting books you read or courses you take, a lot of the time you're going to have to just learn it as you're experiencing it. It seems like one of those things that, no matter how much you prepare, you're still going to be learning all the time. As a new parent, I'd imagine that this is important to remember because it probably seems, at times, like you don't know what you're doing. But, just like any other super important job, no matter how prepared you are, you're still going to learn as you go along because you're dealing with a brand new, unique little person. 



There is no perfect parent. There is no perfect parenting technique. Every parent is unique, every family dynamic is unique, and every baby is unique, so, while there are tons of great ideas and tips for being a good parent, there's no one-size-fits-all, "perfect" way to do it. Plus, parenting is a full-time, 24/7 job. If you're doing something literally all of the time, it's impossible to do it flawlessly. Being a parent is like being a person. You do the best you can with whatever skills and knowledge you have and you usually keep getting better and better at it. Parenthood (and personhood) is a crazy concoction of success and slip-ups, of trying your best and trying to figure out what the heck is going on. No one is doing it perfectly and that's perfectly okay. 



Even if you know that perfection is a myth, it's probably pretty tough to be a parent and see all of the "perfect" representations of parenthood online. All of the mommy bloggers and the Instagram celebrities showing off their post-baby bodies, their perfectly lit little bundles of joy, their immaculate nurseries. I'm obviously not a parent, but even get envious when I see how neat and tidy and perfect those lives look online. But none of that is real life. There is a behind-the-scenes to every perfect image shared online — the baby's post-photoshoot meltdown, the messy side of the room not shown in the photo, the not-Instagrammable emotional highs and lows of caring for a newborn. Parenting looks like the hardest thing ever and I bet there is no one, no matter how gorgeous their online presence looks, that isn't having a tough time with it. 



To be honest, this probably falls more in the "advice" category instead of "encouragement," but it seems like something that would be important as a new parent. Obviously, the baby is going to get a ton of attention and focus, but the parents deserve to get some alone time, to have a break, to relax (or at least try to) for a little bit. It's probably not an easy thing to do (and greatly depends on the situation and how much help the parents have available), but it seems like a good thing to at least strive for when becoming a new parent. Because, just like any relationship, the more you take care of yourself, the easier it is to take care of others. (That being said, new parents shouldn't beat themselves up if they can't find time for, or don't want, "me time." Everyone and every situation is different and new parents should do what's best for themselves and their baby.)



Considering what a massive and new undertaking parenting is, I bet most new parents feel some level of unpreparedness when they're given that adorable little swaddled baby. I'm guessing most parents feel they're lacking in something because being completely responsible for another human being is pretty much the most important job, and how in the world do you accurately prepare for such a thing?! But, when it comes down to it, if they've got love and are doing the best they can, parents have what they need. Just think of all the people who are, or have been, parents. Sure, some of them are terrible at it, but tons of them have done an amazing job. Babies mostly need love and food and if you can provide those things, you've got what you need to get started making an awesome human being. 



When making the illustration, this one was the most important for me to include. From what I understand about parenting, it's both incredibly amazing and terrifyingly overwhelming, particularly the first time you do it. And it seems to me that one of the toughest things about it is being expected to feel a certain way about it. Everyone around you is so happy and excited about your new baby, but they all get to go home and go back to their normal lives, while you, as new parents, continue to have your life completely changed forever. (Not to be dramatic or anything, haha.) I'm guessing that a really tough part about being a new parent is feeling a crazy range of emotions, while also feeling that you should just be overjoyed and grateful. So it seems to me that one of the best bits of encouragement for a new parent would be a reminder that they should just feel how they feel (and a reminder that you can feel conflicting emotions at the same time and still be a wonderful, loving parent). Change, even when positive, is a lot to deal with and new parents should be allowed to literally feel all the feels. 


I couldn't be more thrilled to be an aunt for the first time! If you're an aunt or an uncle, I'd love to know if you have any tips or advice. Also, if you're a new parent, congratulations! :) If you — or any of the more experienced parents— have any additional bits of encouragement for me to pass along to my little sis, let me know in the comments below! 





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Are You Addicted to Your Phone?


About a year ago, I wrote a post called Wireless Wonderland: Managing Phone Use to Stay Present, and I'd love to say that I've taken all of those tips and mastered my phone use since then, but I'm afraid quite the opposite has happened. I spend more time than ever on my phone, and it's gotten to the point that I feel out of control when it comes to my phone usage. I read recently that Americans spend and average of about three hours a day on their phones, and I was shocked. Only three hours? I spent three hours on my phone this morning

I spend more time on my phone than anyone I know, but I know I'm not alone in my excessive phone usage, so I thought I'd share with you the research I've been doing recently to try to combat my own issue. If you, too, are suffering from phone overuse, hopefully some of this information will be helpful. (And if you're not, I bet you know someone who struggles with this and you can pass this along!)



Okay, so let's start out what what exactly phone addiction is. There's no "official" definition of phone addiction, but I think of it as a behavior addiction characterized by the compulsive use of one's smartphone despite adverse consequences. Phone addiction is often compared to gambling addiction, but I tend to disagree with this comparison because, like with alcohol or drugs, you can quit gambling completely and still live a normal life. But, while it is possible to live without a smartphone (my dad's been doing it for years!), it's not that simple in today's world, particularly if you work in certain industries.

(However, there is one aspect of phone addiction that's very similar to gambling addiction, and that's "intermittent rewards." This means that we don't always get a positive "high" whenever we check our phones. It only happens sometimes — when we see a lot of likes on a post, when there's a new news story, when we get a text from a friend — and this makes it even more addictive than if we received a positive feeling every time we checked. Like gambling, we don't know if we're going to "win" when we check our phones, and that unpredictability keeps us coming back again and again.)

To me, phone addiction seems more like food addiction — you can't stop using your phone entirely, so you have to learn how to use it in a healthy way, just as people with food addiction can't just quit eating but, instead, have to learn how to eat in a "normal" way. Personally, as someone who struggles immensely with moderation of any kind, this is the worst possible kind of addiction to combat because it isn't an all-or-nothing situation. I can't just throw my phone away and live without it. (Yes, I probably could do this, but, let's be honest, it's not that simple in our tech-focused world.)

I'm not going to go into the ins and outs of addiction in general, but I do want to touch on one important point: addiction isn't about getting a high or feeling good. Yes, that can be a result of using a substance or engaging in a behavior that gives you a rush of dopamine, but addiction is much more complex than just seeking out a "high." Addiction is ultimately about soothing pain or calming psychological distress. Phones soothe anxiety, something a great many of us suffer from. They are, as many experts have said, "adult pacifiers." When we're bored or upset or lonely or restless, we pick up our phones as a way to soothe ourselves. 

Phones, with all that they allow us to do, are wonderful things, but when we use them as a way to soothe pain, when we use them compulsively and without purpose, we ultimately incur more pain than we soothe. 



Now that we've covered what phone addiction is (and, please, keep in mind: I'm not a professional psychologist or expert so this is all what I've personally experienced or found online), let's dive into some of the signs of addiction. In researching this post as a way to understand my own phone over usage, I found this article, which explores the signs and symptoms of phone addiction. I'd recommend checking it out if you're concerned for yourself or a loved one, but I'll some up some of the major signs of addiction here. 

  • A need to use the phone more and more often in order to achieve the same desired effect.

  • Persistent failed attempts to use phone less often.

  • Preoccupation with smartphone use.

  • Using phone to soothe unwanted feelings such as anxiety or depression.

  • Excessive use characterized by loss of sense of time.

  • Has put a relationship or job at risk due to excessive phone use.

  • Tolerance, aka, the need for newest phone, more apps, or increased use.

  • Withdrawal when phone or Wifi is unavailable.

I've personally experienced all of the above, which isn't great. I also scored a 14/15 on this Smartphone Compulsion Test, which was designed to help you identify if you or someone you know might have a phone addiction. While I'm not a doctor and can't diagnose myself based on what I read online, I clearly have some phone-related issues.



Not only have I experienced all of the signs listed above, but I've also suffered from a lot of the symptoms of phone addiction. (Again, these are things I've found online so keep that in mind as you read through them. These symptoms could be caused by a number of things so phone use might not be the culprit if you've experienced any of these.) From what I've read (and experienced), phone addiction manifests itself with a number of physical and psychological symptoms, including: 

  • Eye strain. This can lead to pain, blurred vision, and headaches. (I had some really random headaches awhile back that I'm pretty sure were caused from way too much screen time.)

  • Neck / arm pain. Having been in physical therapy for months because of this, I can tell you it's no joke. I'm now in almost constant pain, and I'm so limited in what I can do with my arm (which impacts not only what I enjoy doing for fun — drawing and writing — but also has negatively impacted my work and my ability to take on new projects). Despite the pain (and the $40 per physical therapy session!), I keep on scrolling and scrolling...

  • Increased illness. Constantly touching your germ-covered phone can lead to all kinds of illnesses. Eww! 

  • Sleep issues. Phone overuse has been linked to sleep disorders and fatigue. I personally struggle to get to sleep sometimes because there's just so much to look at on my phone! I also struggle a lot when it comes to going back to sleep if I wake up in the night because I start looking at my phone and then I'm awake and scrolling. 

  • Psychological issues. Overuse has also been linked to depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, relationship problems, and other kinds of psychological stress. I'm not going to go into this one in too much depth, but let's just say... yeah. 



Did you find yourself experiencing a number of the above signs and symptoms? You're definitely not the only one. Obviously, you've got me, and, based on the tons of articles and books I found online, we're not the only ones suffering from this. So what are we supposed to do? As mentioned above, completely getting rid of the phone isn't an option for most of us. But, if you're like me and struggle with moderation, how do you combat that instinctual urge to pick up your phone, the reflex that's not so ingrained in you that you're not even thinking about it, you're just doing it? 

Physical To-Do List

  • Disable notifications. This seems to the number one recommended tip when it comes to phone addiction, but I'm not certain it's the best. I've always had my notifications disabled and it clearly hasn't stopped me from having a problem (though perhaps it's different if you have notifications and turn them off). Personally, I wonder if this doesn't encourage me to check my phone more often, since I'm not notified of when I get something, and I instead have to check every app just to make sure I haven't missed anything. If you don't have your notifications off, this might be a good place to start though. Just pay attention to make sure it's not making things worse. 

  • Consider black-and-white mode. Another tip I've seen mentioned frequently is turning your phone to black-and-white mode because the bright colors are what entice us to look at the phone and click apps. However, I've never tried this because, to be honest, I need to see what my illustrations look like on Instagram. (I could, and probably should, give this tip a try though because I can turn it on and off and, as someone who loves color, it could actually help me.) It's worth a try, especially if you're not running a business that involves lots of colors! 

  • Delete the apps you aimlessly scroll most often. Apps are designed to keep you hooked and coming back for more. As Catherine Price, author of How To Break Up With Your Phone, has written, "Instagram has created code that deliberately holds back on showing users new 'likes' so that it can deliver a bunch of them in a sudden rush at the most effective moment possible — meaning the moment at which seeing new likes will discourage you from closing the app." If you're dealing with technology addiction, meaning that if you delete it on your phone you'll just go scroll on your laptop, this might not be an effective strategy, but I've found that I do much less obsessive scrolling on my computer (and even on my iPad) than I do on my phone. Consider replacing the endless scrolling apps  — Twitter, Instagram, etc. — with ones that will actually be productive, like Kindle or another book-reading app. (Admittedly, I've deleted Twitter probably a dozen times and then reinstalled it because I "have to know what the latest news is!" so don't be discouraged if this tip doesn't work for you.)

  • Track your phone time. There are lots of apps, like Moment and Forest, designed to help you keep track of how often you use your phone. I've used them before and been astounded by how much time I spend on my phone, but, despite the shocking numbers, I didn't end up changing my behavior. The knowledge of how much you use your phone might be a put-the-phone-down prompt for some, but I think if you're really addicted, an app telling you that you're on your phone all the time isn't going to fix you. 

  • Put your phone in another room. This is another tip I see frequently, and it's definitely helped me (when I actually have the strength to do it...) Whenever I can't physically see my phone, I tend to use it less often. If your phone must be in the room with you, I recommend put it on the other side of the room or somewhere you can't see it. I've tried putting it under a blanket, and, silly as that sounds, it does seem to help a bit. Out of sight, out of mind is an old saying, but there's definitely some truth in it! 

  • Get a real alarm clock. I've read that the worst time to use your phone is right when you wake up and right before you fall asleep, which are my two favorite times to use it! I always make the excuse of "needing" my phone in my bedroom because it's my alarm, but did you know you can buy a thing that's just a clock? Haha! It's hard for me to remember the days of the good ol' alarm clock, but I'm going to invest in one so that I can keep my phone out of the room. It's great that our phones can do everything, but that doesn't mean they have to do everything. 

  • Consider a lock box. After seeing a fellow Instagrammer using a lock box with a timer to keep herself from her phone, I've been seriously considering getting one. It seems extreme, but I can only imagine what kind of work I could get done if my phone were taken from me for a few hours every day! (If you've tried this for your phone or snacks or anything, let me know if you had any luck with it. I'm very curious!)

  • Switch positions. If you must be on your phone, one of the best ways to combat potential physical ailments is to switch positions often and do exercises that will help you avoid a repetitive stress injury. As someone suffering from one now, I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to do whatever you can to avoid injury, particularly if you're not getting your addiction addressed (because you'll keep using your phone and continue to make it worse). If you have pain when looking at your phone, go to the doctor and get a professional evaluation to avoid causing more damage. 

Psychological To-Do List

As you can see, my progress has been kind of hit-or-miss when it comes to the physical attempts at conquering phone addiction. The reason most of those don't work is probably because phone addiction, like all addictions, isn't just about pleasure-seeking. It's about avoiding pain. Until I deal with the psychological issues that are causing me to reach for my phone incessantly, I probably won't be able to have a positive relationship with my phone. Here are some of the psychological tips I've read about for combatting phone addiction: 

  • Replace the habit. As I read in this very helpful article, 5 Science-Backed Ways to Break Phone Addiction, habits aren't broken; they're replaced. If you want to break a bad habit, you have to have something else to take its place. For example, if you always reach for your phone in bed, put a book there instead and reach for that (and put your phone on the other side of the room). I've tried this a few times, and whenever I do it, it works, but the trick is actually getting myself to do it, which can be really challenging. 

  • Focus on "won't" instead of "can't." This is another tip I read in the article mentioned above and it seems like a good one, particularly if you're a rebellious type like myself who tends to balk at the word "can't" and immediately wants to do whatever I'm told I can't do. Tell yourself, I won't look at my phone for the next hour, instead of, I can't look at my phone for the next hour. 

  • Listen to meditation. As much as I'd like to be, I'm not a meditator, but while strolling through Twitter last week, I came across this eating addiction meditation by Tara Brach. As I mentioned above, I really believe phone addiction is very similar to eating addiction, in that most of us can't completely cut out all phone use, so I thought this meditation might be helpful. Boy, was I right! I never thought I'd be able to listen to it for an hour, but I spend the entire time phone-free and learned so much. If you're struggling, I recommend checking it out! 

  • Consider why you're grabbing the phone. Checking your phone constantly is a symptom of a deeper psychological issue. There is something you're not addressing in your life and you're using your phone as an escape. If you don't deal with the underlying reason for your addiction, you'll find it manifesting in something else. (For example, while I've been sober for nearly eight years, I'm pretty sure this phone addiction situation is a sign that I haven't really dealt with whatever caused me to become addicted in the first place. I've just switched addictions, which I'm guessing is probably common. Since phone use seems way better than substance use, it's easy to rationalize it, but the effects of phone addiction can be devastating and shouldn't be taken lightly.)

  • Think about what you could do instead. One thing that's helped me a bit is thinking about the things I'm not doing while I'm using my phone. I'm not reading as many books. I'm not spending as much time with my friends and family. I'm not going outside often enough (though I do try to leave my phone inside whenever I go for walks!). I'm suffering arm pain so severe that I can't do many of the things I love (like drawing!). Considering what I'm missing out on sometimes snaps me out of my phone reverie (though it's certainly not a guarantee because my mind can rationalize that things on my phone — looking a inspiring art, reading thought-provoking articles, connecting with people around the world — have a lot of value, which keeps me scrolling.)

  • Remind yourself that this is serious. Problematic phone overuse might seem trivial in comparison to alcohol or drug addiction, but it can cause significant harm to those addicted and those who care about them. No, you won't overdose on your phone and die (at least I don't think you will...), but that doesn't mean the addiction can't cause major issues in your mind, in your relationships, and in your work. Most of the time when I mention phone addiction to people, they kinda laugh because it sounds silly, but if your phone use is negatively impacting your life, it's not a joke. And, like all addictions, the sooner you begin working on it, the sooner you'll be making positive progress. 

  • Seek professional help. Phone addiction is a real thing, silly as it might sound to some. And, just like other addictions, more often than not, to actually kick the habit, people need professional. It's not just a willpower thing. It's not just "put your phone down." It's a complex and complicated situation that may require the help of someone who knows what they're doing. As much research as I've done on this, I'm certainly no expert on this, and if you find that these words resonate with you, I highly recommend seeking out the help of a professional. I know it's expensive and time-consuming, but, let's face it: so is an addiction. 

I'd love to know your thoughts on this. Do you struggle to put down your phone? Do you wish you spent less time looking at screens? If you've ever tried to cut back on your phone usage, what techniques have you used? What's worked for you? What didn't work so well? Share below in the comments section! And if you know someone who might need to read this post, pass it along. There are so many people who feel silly talking about this, since it doesn't seem as serious as "real" addiction, and a post like this might be the motivation someone needs to seek change or professional help.