6 Things You Should Stop Settling For

Positively Present - Stop Settling

 

As the leaves start to sprout on the trees and the flowers begin to poke their heads up through the dirt, I'm reminded, once again, of how spring is the ultimate symbolic season of change and growth and blooming once again. After months of drab, colorless treetops, things are blooming as they always do, and it's showing me that we, too, can bloom again, even when things have been dormant for some time. One of the best ways to channel the springtime vibe of transformation is to investigate what we've been settling for.

When we can identify the areas in which we're not getting what we truly want in life, we're able to consider how we might reshape those aspects of our lives. Of course, such transformation won't happen overnight, but recognizing the places in which we might be settling is the first step towards change. Here are six areas in which settling should be avoided. But don't beat yourself up if you've been settling in these areas. Just consider how you might want to change them going forward. Like the seeds tucked underground all winter long, you, too, can recognize that there's more to life than dirt and darkness. You, too, can push out of your confines and stretch toward the sunlight you deserve. 

 

LUKEWARM LOVE AFFAIRS

Real love (not that easy falling-in-love stuff) is tough. There are highs and lows, good times and bad. But if you're not in it together — usually on the same team, mostly putting in the same amount of effort, having similar feelings for one another — it might not be a full-hearted kind of love. If you only see someone when it's convenient for them, if you put in all of the effort and get little in return, if you worry constantly if the other person feels the same, it's time to stop settling and seek out the kind of love you (we all!) deserve. 

 

JOY-STEALING WORK

Work — even the very best kind — is no piece of cake. It's tough, even when you love your job. But if it feels like it's sucking the life out of you, if it feels like it takes everything you've got and gives nothing back, it's time for a change. You might not be able to drastically change your work situation, but you can seek out a similar job in a new place, find a way to transform the work you're doing, or even take a pay cut to work in a more fulfilling environment. Most of us spend a huge chunk of our lives at work so it's definitely not an area of life where settling should be acceptable. 

 

FICKLE FRIENDSHIPS

Every relationship — even the best of friendships — has its ups and downs, but if you're putting in all the work, it's time to consider if it's worth it. Consider whether your friend is asking about your wellbeing, interested in your life, or doing kind things to show their appreciation for you. (And, on the flip side, consider if you're doing these things as a friend!) Relationships of all kinds should include give and take and if you're the only one giving, you're settling for less and should seek companionship elsewhere. 

 

SECOND-RATE STORIES

Life is short, so why settle for second-rate things? This is particularly true when faced with items that have tons of options (like books!). There is an incredible amount of text to be read in this world, so if the book is bad, put it down. Don't waste time on second-rate stories when you could pick up a magical, potentially life-changing work. Same goes for food (if it's bad, send it back), clothing (if it doesn't work, return it), etc. Yes, it can be easier to stick with what's already in your hand, but do you really want to look back a mourn all the time you wasted on second-rate nonsense?

 

DEADEND DREAMS

Consider, for a moment, what a dream life looks like to you. Is that your idea of an ideal scenario or someone else's? It is something that gets you up in the morning, pumped to started your day and move toward that dream? If not, you might be suffering from a case of uninspired dreaming. Reflect on what you really want — and make sure that you're not aiming towards goals that others have set for you or goals that you set for yourself a long time ago that no longer speak to what you want your future to look like. We change, and often our dreams do too. 

 

LACKLUSTER LEISURE

How are you spending your free time? Are you truly enjoying the activities you've deemed as "leisure"? If you are, awesome! Keep at it! But if you're doing something just because it's easy, you've always done it, or it's someone else's idea of a good time, consider exploring new leisure-time activities. In fact, maybe just try doing something different to see if you like it. If you're always watching TV, try going for a walk. If your weekends are spent on a hiking trail, consider a Netflix binge. Try new things to make sure you're not settling for how you spend your friend time! 

 

Life is short is such a cliche, but it's true. Too many of us (myself included!) are settling for things (and people...) because it feels easier than change. You're not alone if, like me, change intimidates you. But do what you can to find the courage to stop settling for less than you deserve. It's rarely easy to let go of what's comforting (even when it's unhealthy), but the sooner you do it, the sooner you'll have the freedom to pursue the things in life that add real value, that make you excited and empowered! 

 

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Keeping Mentally Fit: Advice from 1952 (!)

Vintage_Self_Help_

How I came across the video Keeping Mentally Fit I'm not quite sure — pretty sure it's a combination of my own YouTube content and Safiya Nygaard's decades videos — but when I first saw the video in my recommended feed, I naively expected it to be filled with such out-of-touch advice that it would be laughable to those interested in self-help today. While some of my 1950s-era expectations were certainly met (blatant racism, overt sexism, and a bizarre understanding of mental health treatment — 2 out of 40 high school graduates could expect to someday spend time in a mental institution???), I was surprised by how relevant the advice actually was. 

While advice for living well has been part of human culture for centuries, it's booming growth in the late 20th century (and my own personal and professional focus on it) often makes me forget that, though it may not have always been as popular of an industry, self-help advice isn't new. And looking back at what was advised in the past not only gives us insight into how previous eras viewed self-help, but it also provides an interesting perspective of evergreen tactics for living life well. 

This particular video focuses on four key elements for acquiring, maintaining, and improving mental health: expressing emotions naturally, respecting yourself, respecting others, and solving problems as they arise. While these tips seem simple and, perhaps, obvious, I think it's worth exploring each one a little bit because often it's the simple, timeless advice that's the most taken for granted. 

 

EXPRESS YOUR EMOTIONS

Expressing your emotions was not at all what I expected to hear when I first started watching the video. There's so much talk in today's culture about how we all need to open up more about mental health issues, how we need to talk about more how we feel, that I was honestly quite surprised to see this advice being heralded back in 1952. 

Most of us know that bottling up negative emotions is bad. We might also know that, when not expressed in a healthy way, bottled up emotions tend to come out in unexpected (and often unpleasant) ways. But this portion of the video also touched on how important it is to express positive emotions as well. It touched on facing and expressing not only feelings of pain, but also on sharing positive feelings, like love, as well. Additionally, it touched on expressing emotions with consideration for others, which is something we all can benefit from taking to heart. 

This segment also highlighted the important notion of talking about feelings with a professional or trusted friend. The more you talk about your problems (particularly with a professional), the easier they are to solve. Expressing emotions can be really tough sometimes, but it's one of the best pieces of self-help advice out there, even all of these decades later! 

 

RESPECT YOURSELF

Next up, the video dives into one of my personal favorite topics — self-love. While that specific term has only risen to popularity in recent decades, the concept has apparently been of value for some time in the self-help space. I was particularly pleased to see how the video addressed the topic of perfectionism. Aiming for perfection is a struggle for a lot of people and learning not to be so hard on yourself (remember: you're human!) is such a positive message to master. 

There's often a struggle between the need to improve (the underlying, guiding force of a self-help video) and the desire to respect the self as is. The video addresses this, reminding viewers that it's great if you want to improve, but that doesn't mean you can't accept (and respect!) yourself just as you are right now. 

As someone who has a very stereotypical idea of what life was like in the 1950s — perfect little families living in colorful houses behind white picket fences, a notion I know is not based on reality but I can't help but see in my head when I think of that decade — I was thrilled to see that the issue of perfectionism was tackled. No matter what the era (or the situation), no one's life is perfect and striving for perfection often gets in the way of lasting self-improvement. 

 

CULTIVATE POSITIVE RELATIONSHIPS

In this segment of the film, the advice focused on getting along with others, having fun, and being part of the group. While this certainly isn't bad advice, it was a bit tricky for me to fully embrace in today's culture because I think we're realizing more and more that you don't have to have a large group of friends or fit in with the current trends to have a fulfilling, enjoyable life. Of course, surrounding yourself with positive people who enrich your life is always good advice but it's not always an easy thing to control, depending on one's circumstances and disposition. 

Today, I think we have a better understanding of the idea that different people crave different levels of social interaction. Joining a club, as recommended in the video, won't work for everyone. That being said, even if you're an introvert and prefer time spent alone, that doesn't mean you can't gain something positive from socializing (perhaps one-on-one if that's more your style). 

"There's no room for bashfulness in good mental health," something said in the video, isn't advice I'd agree with, but I do think the underlying point — that positive relationships have a big impact on mental health — rings true. Spending time with the right people is important for keeping mentally fit. 

Likewise, being a positive person in the lives of others is equally as important. As the video suggests, it's important not to expect others to be perfect, to let them go their own way sometimes, and to cultivate give-and-take in relationships. It's also important not to dislike or distrust people who are different from you (this point certainly wasn't showcased in the video — everyone looked pretty much the same! — but the words are just as important today as they were then). 

 

DON'T AVOID PROBLEMS

As someone who does a great deal of avoidance — I'm writing this post, in fact, because I sat down at my computer to do something that really needs to be done and instead of doing it, I've chosen to do this instead. Awesome. — I was so glad this was one of the four topics tackled in this video. Combatting a problem as soon as it comes up, rather than avoiding it as many of us are prone to do, is such obvious but important advice. 

The video reminds us that, when we avoid the things we don't want to do, the problem becomes three-fold: we worry about facing it for however long we're avoiding it; we deal with the struggle of actually conquering it; and we may fret over it after the fact, wondering if things might have been different had we handled it promptly.

Of course, depending on the problem, it's not always easy to face, but the video really made me think about what life would be like if, when a problem comes up, I chose to face it right away with the three words they mentioned in mind: calmly, reasonably, and honestly. It seems, at first glance, that it would be difficult to do, but is it really more difficult than avoiding the problem and still having to deal with it later? 

 

Though some of this mid-century advice might be a bit obvious, I'm glad I came across this video. It not only inspired me to pause and think about all four of these tips — each one really deserving of some attention — but it also opened my eyes to the fact that so much of what we talk about in the self-help space isn't new and, no matter what the decade, humans have always been working to improve their mental lives. 

What do you think of this advice and, if you watched it, the video? Let me know in the comments section below! 

 

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Wanting v. Having : 5 Ways to Embrace Desire


Positively Present - Wanting Having
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Materialism exists because we get excited about something, want to own it, get it, grow used to it (or even feel let down by it immediately after acquiring it), and then strive again for the "wanting" high by identifying a new thing to covet. The cycle can be endless, and even if you're aware of it, it can be tough to break because wanting something (and striving to make it yours) just feels so darn good sometimes. 

The problem is we often don't pay attention to where in that cycle of want-get-have-want that we actually feel good. Yes, getting a thing you've longed for can feel good to obtain momentarily, but frequently it doesn't feel as good as the actual desiring of it did. And we often (if not always!) return to our previous mental state after we've gotten used to possessing whatever it is we once wanted (see: hedonic treadmill).

Often this happens because the way we think about something we want is different from how we feel about it when we own it. Just think about the last time you got a new phone. The anticipation of it, with it's fresh screen and new features, was thrilling. And the first few days with it might have been exciting, too. But now, even if you use and enjoy it a lot, it's likely just something you own. 

The notion that more stuff won't bring you more happiness isn't anything new (and the rise in the minimalism trend keeps bringing it to the forefront in popular culture). Most of us know this (and some of us even put that idea into to practice by resisting the temptation to buy more and more things in pursuit of that short-lived high!), but we often don't focus on how this wanting vs. having idea applies to non-tangible things we're in pursuit of, things like love, status, wealth, success, etc. 

If you're in pursuit of anything at all, whether it be personal or professional, tangible or intangible, you, too, must face the fact that sometimes (and, in fact, often), the wanting of something is more enjoyable than the possession of it. Even if we experience this again and again — we find a great love, we get the job we desperately wanted, we achieve the goal we've worked on for years and yet still feel the need to desire something new or better or more important — it's hard not to keep pursuing more and more. 

The problem is, if we're always chasing after the next thing, we're rarely (if ever) content with where we are now, which makes it pretty difficult to live positively in the present. But how are we to counteract the desire for desire when it's built into our societies, when we're expected to constantly be seeking? Here are few ways we can embrace the ever-present desire to want what we don't yet have.

 

FOCUS ON EXPERIENCE, NOT POSSESSION

You've certainly heard this before: buy experiences, not things. But this concept need not apply only to material goods. It also applies to the intangible desires so many of us have. Experiencing something, whatever it might be, is often much more valuable than possessing it is. For example, rather than focusing the possession of a person (labeling a new romance, needing reassurance that a partner is "yours," or feeling an ownership over your offspring), what if we focused more on the experiences we have with that individual? Doing so will actually strengthen our bonds or, in some cases, help us to realize that perhaps that isn't a person with whom we want to be closely bonded. Or, let's consider the pursuit of greater career opportunity. What if we focused on the experience of working toward it and valued that more than the actual achievement of a new title? Or, once a new title has been granted, what if we spent more time valuing the experience of a new, higher position rather than considering how we might use it to pursue even more status or wealth? Choosing to focus on experiences rather than possessions (tangible or otherwise) is likely to lead to more contentment. 

 

LET GO OF WHAT YOU DON'T GET

It can be hard to realize sometimes when you're in a state of wanting, but the thing you want comes with baggage you cannot understand until you possess it. In the words of Benjamin Franklin, "If a man could have half his wishes, he would double his troubles." (Or, in the words of The Notorious B.I.G., "mo money, mo problems.") Whatever it is you want is going to come with a set of issues that you can't anticipate now. You don't know what you don't know, and sometimes you're often better off not acquiring the things you think you want. I know the "everything happens for a reason" idea is cliche, but I believe in it. You can't foresee what will happen in the future, and I've found that not getting what I want has been a blessing in many cases (and getting what I want has rarely lived up to its hype). If you don't get it, it means it's not meant for you. (Or it's not meant for you right now. Things meant for you have a way of coming when you need them, not necessarily when you want them.)

 

APPRECIATE WHAT YOU DO HAVE

If you're familiar with Positively Present, it's going to be no surprise to see gratitude  — probably one of the most used bits of advice here — in this round-up of tips, but making an effort to recognize and appreciate what you do have (particularly what you once longed for and then obtained) is one of the best ways to counteract the challenging notion of always wanting something else. Things only bring us joy when we're aware of them, which is why we take so much pleasure from wanting. When we want something, we're hyper-focused on it, sometimes consumed by thoughts what life will be like if we have it. Once we've had it for awhile, we don't often spend as much time thinking about it. When you find yourself thinking, "I want..." consider challenging it with the thought, "I have..." 

 

SEEK OUT THE ROOT OF THE WANTING

How much of what you want is what you actually want and how much is someone else's idea of what you should want? It's hard to know for sure — after all, we're all products of the cultures and environments in which we are raised and it can be hard to separate our true desires from what we've been taught — but the more you pay attention to the real reasons for what you want, the more you dig down into the roots of that desire, the more likely you are to realize that what you want is actually based on what you think you're supposed to want. Looking at why you desire what you do (and, just as importantly, what you think will happen if you obtain that thing) will often help you realize that your wants are often rooted in foundations not put in place by you. 

 

VALUE CONTENTMENT OVER HAPPINESS

"The pursuit of happiness" is part of the US Declaration of Independence and, as result, many people here and around the world have come to associate the pursuit of happiness with living life to the fullest. Happiness has been held up as the ultimate goal, something all people should be striving for in whatever way feels right for them. We've come to understand that, while happiness doesn't look the same for everyone, everyone wants to be happy. But, as I've discussed many times before, happiness is a fleeting emotion. It's wonderful, but it doesn't last. Making it your life's goal is setting yourself up for constant disappointment (which often leads to pursuit of the next thing that you think will make you happy). The pursuit of happiness is great for capitalism, but not so great for contentment. Instead of focusing being happy, try striving for contentment. Aim to make the most of what's happening now, to accept what's been and look forward to what will be without setting expectations. 

 

When you're in a state of wanting, it can be difficult to realize this, but it's true: whatever you think you need to be happy — money, fame, love, acceptance, beauty, attention, success, diamonds, children, a house, etc. — won't actually make you happier than you are now, at least not for very long. Realizing this doesn't mean you shouldn't keep pursuing what you want (for what is life if not pursuit?); it only means that you should stop expecting that the having will be greater than the wanting. It means understanding that, even though it seems strange, wanting something can be fulfilling in itself, and not getting what you want doesn't have to mean failure. And, most importantly, it means that, cheesy as it may sound, you'll be able to realize that it is, in fact, a journey towards something has just as much value (if not more!) than the thing itself. 

 

 

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